Page 2 | Parents want to give me a 'makeover'

Wishingwell75 · 27/07/2021 16:49

Are these things that you would do with your own time and money to make you FEEL better or would you never in a million years even consider it?
Did a childhood of mega importance placed on appearance result in you continuing with extensive grooming routines or are you more just wash & go?
Did you bond with your mum (&Dad) at the nail salon and shopping days out or did you internalise the shame of never looking good enough to please them?
Like others have said the most telling sentence of your whole post is where you talk about feeling better about your appearance as a result of not seeing them for a while.
Probably time to decide once and for all how you want to live and then telling your parents how it's going to be from now on!

Cccc1111 · 27/07/2021 16:49

If there wasn’t the backstory, you would be being unreasonable, and it would be intended as a nice gift. But with that backstory, I’d avoid, letting them is just then letting them worm their way into judging and interfering again. I’m normally average build, I lost quite abit of weight some years back through stress, hasn’t seen my parents for a while, and my dad swore at me in surprise when he saw me!

pleasedonttextmyman · 27/07/2021 16:49

@Iamnotminterested

Sorry OP, but you lost me at the first sentence of your post. I could not be bothered to spend time with people, least of all parents who focus on appearance above all else.

bit shallow to stop seeing your own parents because they have other priorities, isn't it?

And the idea of "not bothered to spend time" with your ow parents when you are a child, honestly.

Iwonder08 · 27/07/2021 16:50

Only you know if it is malicious or they are genuinely trying to do something nice for you. Either way, politely decline if it is not something you want to do

diddl · 27/07/2021 16:50

Do want to have your hair done, a facial and/or a new dress?

I mean if they actually said that they want o give you a "makeover"?

Unless you have said that you could do with a haircut/facial/new dress I can't see why anyone would offer them tbh.

Standrewsschool · 27/07/2021 16:52

@MindyStClaire

If it's as a treat because you've had a difficult time, then say thank you and enjoy.

If it's criticism then say no thank you.

This

ChaToilLeam · 27/07/2021 16:52

I think you sense that however well meant the gift is, it all comes down to you appearance again.

What do you think their reaction would be if you said thanks, but no thanks?

EmbarrassingMama · 27/07/2021 16:53

It's a bit shitty of them if that is their motivation.

However, it sounds like you've had a horrid time with long Covid. Would some pampering make you feel better? If it's the type of thing you'd enjoy then I'd push their motivations out of your mind and crack on and enjoy the free hair cut, facial and try and wangle a manipedi... You can sack off the clothes shopping if that's not your thing (it isn't mine, I don't enjoy shopping).

grey12 · 27/07/2021 16:56

I get your point. I have recently let my grey hair grow despite my family hating it (not their decision!)

Are you taking care of yourself? Some people are obsessed with their looks, you don't need to be. But are you doing ok? Are you feeling stressed, depressed? (No need for answering, just think about it)

I don't care too much about my appearance but occasionally a haircut, pedicure/manicure, a couple of new nice clothes are a good thing. As long as they are in your style and how you like them you don't wear dresses. That's fine! How about an easy to take care of blousy thing? Something that makes you look more adult-y and goes well with jeans and trainers (if that's your thing)

NeverDropYourMooncup · 27/07/2021 16:59

@grasstreeleaf

reciprocate with pedicures Crikey, you're brave!

It's better than that - he has Psoriasis.

The soles of his feet go positively crispy and his nails get pitted and covered in overgrown cuticle skin. It's worth 45 minutes of soaking, scrubbing, filing, smoothing and painstakingly pushing back the extra skin just to not have the sound of sandpaper lined crisp packets against my rather expensive bedsheets each night - or worse, to feel them against me when he moves around. Got to admit that it is very satisfying when he falls asleep in the middle of it when he's been a ball of stress, anxiety and insomnia for weeks, too.

It's like having an inhouse therapist - very handy when I've been ill with a PsA flare so bad I couldn't even hold a mug of tea with both hands for three months. And it meant I didn't look or feel quite as terrible when recovering from Covid as I would have done were it left to me to go through the effort of washing my own hair (or anything else) for a few months.

Point is, he wouldn't dream of doing those things for himself as he'd see them as too indulgent/wasteful and would be too guilty/self conscious about spending money on a hot towel shave or male pedicure - but my being able to do those things made it OK and he then enjoyed them immensely (and decided he wanted to learn how to do similar for me). It took the outside influence of me doing them for him to allow himself to feel good.

Wheresmrpenguin · 27/07/2021 17:00

Yanbu. This is like offering chewing gum to someone with bad breathe.

Durbeyfield · 27/07/2021 17:04

I’d love it, take them up on it.

PlasticOldBag · 27/07/2021 17:08

I'd take the money and spend it on wine and chocolate.

AlfonsoTheMango · 27/07/2021 17:11

I understand the background to the offer and how it might make you feel, OP, but could you look at it as your parents wanting to treat you to a bit of pampering?

I'd jump at the chance for a facial, hair cut and clothes if someone else is paying!

MotherOfCrocodiles · 27/07/2021 17:11

Offer to get them Botox for their wrinkles.... you are only being kind and trying to make them feel better about themselves....

caringcarer · 27/07/2021 17:15

Your parents are who they are. They are unlikely to change now. Just think would a good haircut and facial.make you feel good about yourself or not. If yes take it. If not don't. I know how bad thyroid problems can drag you down so I would be taking it.

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 27/07/2021 17:16

My DM said today they would like to give me a 'makeover'. They want to pay for me to have my hair done, a facial and to take me shopping for clothes in particular 'a nice dress'. My initial reaction was to feel pleased and thank them for it. But they've gone now and I notice I feel a bit rubbish like my appearance is being judged again. I realise that in the time I've not seen them my confidence in my appearance has improved massively despite objectively looking worse!

Then trust your instinct. After the first "how nice, a present" their offer made you feel worse about yourself not better. Tell them you've changed your mind and stick to your guns and you will feel a lot better. Much better than any makeover could make you feel.

What would you really like them to give you? If they weren't all about image?

Googlewasmyidea1 · 27/07/2021 17:20

@aiwblam

Given that you say they are obsessed with appearance, I would consider this pretty offensive and interfering.

I'm glad someone else has voiced this, I'd be telling them to shove it up their arses personally

Gwenhwyfar · 27/07/2021 17:23

I would love for someone to pay for me to have a makeover. On the other hand, I'd expect my parents to love me whatever I look like and to only barely notice what I look like and I can see that yours are quite critical so I voted YANBU.
It's a bit like the old idea of giving someone deodorant because you think they smell and not just because it's a nice present.

Topseyt · 27/07/2021 17:24

If you aren't comfortable with this offer then politely but firmly decline in a "thanks but no thanks" sort of way.

Only you know them. Are they offering out of kindness in the hope of making you feel better? Or are they treating you as some sort of family trophy and trying to mold you into something or someone that they want you to be? Are they the sort who would go along with you and try to dictate what was done, what haircut you should have and what clothes should be bought (would be an instant NO! from me)?

Either way, if you aren't comfortable with it then just say no! They cannot force you.

Polkadots2021 · 27/07/2021 17:29

@UndertheCedartree

So the backstory is my parents have always been focused on appearance. I was always expected to look smart as a child and encouraged to wear shoes with little heels and makeup from quite young. As part of this they focus on weight a lot. When I was very unwell a few years ago I lost a lot of weight and was underweight. They appeared delighted and said how great I looked!

Anyway, I've not seen them for a long time due to Covid as they live in a different country to me. But they have now come over to visit. I'm sure I look quite different to last time they saw me as due to a low thyroid and medication I have gained weight and obviously I probably look a little older. I've had Long Covid and just starting to get over it which hasn't helped. But it is what is it.

My DM said today they would like to give me a 'makeover'. They want to pay for me to have my hair done, a facial and to take me shopping for clothes in particular 'a nice dress'. My initial reaction was to feel pleased and thank them for it. But they've gone now and I notice I feel a bit rubbish like my appearance is being judged again. I realise that in the time I've not seen them my confidence in my appearance has improved massively despite objectively looking worse!

By the way I know they have done this to be nice and it is very generous of them. And it is up to me to deal with my reaction to it.

So AIBU to feel bad about being told I need a makeover?
YANBU - it makes sense you feel like that and doesn't make you ungrateful
YABU - you are being very ungrateful and reading too much into it

I mean, they're a little bit nuts and I'd just be thanking God if I were them that I could get to see you and also that you survived Covid, but also I think it might be the only way they feel 'useful' and to do things for you that would still benefit you after they have to leave. It feels superficial and silly to a lot of us but I think maybe It's not so much you, more like that's their love language (cringe, cringe, I know, but it's a good analogy I think!).

ferneytorro · 27/07/2021 17:29

My mum offered similar a couple of years ago and had been discussing with my daughter probably aged about ten at the time. Like the original poster, I really didn’t like it, it screamed out to me you look a bit shit. She doesn’t really do presents so I’m not sure it would ever have materialised so I probably should have nodded and smiled but I had a really visceral reaction to it and was upset. She does have form for trying to make me look “prettier” when I was a lot younger though so that’s probably what hit me.

Gwenhwyfar · 27/07/2021 17:32

Makes me think of Bridget Jones's mum trying to get her to get her colours done. I think she thought it would lead to grandchildren eventually.

DaphneDeloresMoorhead · 27/07/2021 17:42

In my experience (very similar parents) the offer of a haircut means "I don't like your hair, I will pay fir it so you have to have it done in my preferred style". This would be the same with any clothes purchased. My mum aways bought what she wanted me to wear and wouldn't buy anything unless it was under a size 16.

So I'd say thanks but no thanks - unless you're happy to be told what it's going to be.

Eviethyme · 27/07/2021 17:45

What id of done to have parents that would pay for me to pamper myself 😂 I have 2 toddlers so I always look haggered. I would accept it and just use it as a nice pamper session. Sometimes it's nice to feel good and have your hair done etc