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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Parents want to give me a 'makeover'

132 replies

UndertheCedartree · 27/07/2021 15:30

So the backstory is my parents have always been focused on appearance. I was always expected to look smart as a child and encouraged to wear shoes with little heels and makeup from quite young. As part of this they focus on weight a lot. When I was very unwell a few years ago I lost a lot of weight and was underweight. They appeared delighted and said how great I looked!

Anyway, I've not seen them for a long time due to Covid as they live in a different country to me. But they have now come over to visit. I'm sure I look quite different to last time they saw me as due to a low thyroid and medication I have gained weight and obviously I probably look a little older. I've had Long Covid and just starting to get over it which hasn't helped. But it is what is it.

My DM said today they would like to give me a 'makeover'. They want to pay for me to have my hair done, a facial and to take me shopping for clothes in particular 'a nice dress'. My initial reaction was to feel pleased and thank them for it. But they've gone now and I notice I feel a bit rubbish like my appearance is being judged again. I realise that in the time I've not seen them my confidence in my appearance has improved massively despite objectively looking worse!

By the way I know they have done this to be nice and it is very generous of them. And it is up to me to deal with my reaction to it.

So AIBU to feel bad about being told I need a makeover?
YANBU - it makes sense you feel like that and doesn't make you ungrateful
YABU - you are being very ungrateful and reading too much into it

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Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 28/07/2021 00:45

@MMMarmite

I realise that in the time I've not seen them my confidence in my appearance has improved massively despite objectively looking worse!

This is very telling.

I'd say "thanks but no thanks". Anyone offering a gift for in good faith would be happy to change the plan if it doesn't suit the recipient. If they get in a huff, it wasn't a good faith gift to start with, but a manipulative way of imposing their wishes on you.

This is the thing, the more I think about it although they assume I would like the 'makeover' I'm not sure how they will react if I say 'no'. I think it will cause bad feeling which I don't want.
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Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 28/07/2021 00:47

@Siepie - oh, me too! I don't really like strangers touching me! A good book or a swim in a spa pool on the other hand..Smile

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Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 28/07/2021 00:51

@grasstreeleaf

Don't ignore your feelings though!

No, don't ignore them but remember your feelings can be misdirected. Other people aren't perfect. They give gifts that they themselves would like, in love, but that might involve something they themselves value highly, even if you don't. So there is no need to feel offence or especially hurt if you recognise other people have their limitations. Recognition of this is a good thing as it prevents you from feeling that hurt.

Thank you
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Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 28/07/2021 01:03

@grasstreeleaf - I'm not grumpy towards them atall. However, if they took a bit of notice of my life then I don't think they would need to be mind readers, tbh. I mean I could be wrong there but I think I can think of a few things that would be real treats for them.

@TheChampIsHere - I've missed my mum in Lockdown but yes, I'm very happy we live in different countries!

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mathanxiety · 28/07/2021 01:04

YANBU.

Take the haircut and facial.

Say no thanks to the shopping trip.

Do they have eating disorders?

Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 28/07/2021 01:07

@Nerfelite - I can't imagine them ever doing something like that! I think that's partly why I feel so uncomfortable - I know they will want some control over it. I also know they are trying to be nice! It is such a head fuck!!

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Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 28/07/2021 01:19

@Wishingwell75

Are these things that you would do with your own time and money to make you FEEL better or would you never in a million years even consider it? Did a childhood of mega importance placed on appearance result in you continuing with extensive grooming routines or are you more just wash & go? Did you bond with your mum (&Dad) at the nail salon and shopping days out or did you internalise the shame of never looking good enough to please them? Like others have said the most telling sentence of your whole post is where you talk about feeling better about your appearance as a result of not seeing them for a while. Probably time to decide once and for all how you want to live and then telling your parents how it's going to be from now on!
I would never do any of these things to feel better. I don't like strangers touching me and find the small talk tedious. But as my dad always told me 'you have to suffer to be beautiful' Sad I mean I do get my hair cut but not very regularly. My DM gets hers done every 6 weeks. I definitely rebelled against the hair and beauty encouragement. And yes, it has definitely brought up the feelings of never looking good enough/never being good enough for them. I've seen them a couple of times at home in the middle of doing housework in comfy clothes and hair in messy bun but we met in town the other day and I'd done my hair and thought I looked nice...then next time I see them 'we want to give you a makeover,'!! Grin
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Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 28/07/2021 01:25

@diddl

Do want to have your hair done, a facial and/or a new dress?

I mean if they actually said that they want o give you a "makeover"?

Unless you have said that you could do with a haircut/facial/new dress I can't see why anyone would offer them tbh.

They really actually said 'we want to give you a makeover,!' like we were on some TV show!!

I've not mentioned any of those things. They know I am on a low income now so I'm sure they see it as a treat and also something hard for me to afford!

I really don't want a new dress - I think other types of clothes look better on me at this weight.

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Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 28/07/2021 01:27

@ChaToilLeam - I think they'd be quite offended. They'd probably try and persuade me I needed those things. I can just hear their voices...they've said that kind of thing a lot in the past.

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Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 28/07/2021 01:31

@EmbarrassingMama - I wouldn't find the hair cut relaxing but I would like the look of it afterwards. I've never had a facial so not sure about that. I quite like having a manipedi and do find it quite relaxing if the therapist doesn't talk too much! I'll have to start dropping hints...

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PomBearWithoutHerOFRS · 28/07/2021 04:28

Get the money then send them an email with pics of tattoos (I will let you have pics of mine Grin if you want ) and piercings, saying "thanks, I feel so LIBERATED!!!! Grin

Cantbelieveit101 · 28/07/2021 04:35

Enjoy the makeover, then take the @nice@ dress back and change it for something you want.

Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 28/07/2021 11:17

@AmaryllisNightAndDay - tbh, what I would really like them to give me? Understanding, support, to feel validated, not to always feel bad about myself around them. But of course realistically our relationship is what it is. And that makes them sound terrible, but they're not. As well as the negative things they are very generous. For example they recently bought a static caravan and have let my DB and me use it when they're not.

@Topseyt - I think it is a bit of both. They are being kind but also I think they would probably love to turn me into their idea of a perfect DD - slim, well groomed and nicely dressed. They are both slim and very glamorous/dapper!

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Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 28/07/2021 11:22

@Polkadots2021 - that's a nice way to look at it, thank you.

@ferneytorro - thank you for understanding and sorry you experienced that feeling too.

@Gwenhwyfar - that really could be my mum! Grin

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AtomHeartMotherOfGod · 28/07/2021 11:28

It's a nice offer as a stand-alone but with the backstory YANBU to feel the way you do.

I would still accept for purely practical reasons though; apart from the facial these are things I consume and spend money on.

If I was buying a dress in the sales I'd look at Anthropologie, Me + Em, Whistles, Mint Velvet, Jigsaw and Hobbs.

Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 28/07/2021 11:36

@Eviethyme - I know I do come across a bit spoiled about this! Thinking back to when mine were toddlers I would have loved for them to take them so I could have a break. I wasn't able to ask them as me just asking my DM to take my DC's trousers off while I grabbed the nappy changing stuff (I was going to change the nappy) led to a huge row from my DF as I shouldn't have asked my DM to be any part of napping changing in care it ruined her 'finery'!!

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Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 28/07/2021 11:42

@CHIRIBAYA - thank you.
@DGFB - yes, I think they meant well. I do think I look ok, though. I mean I wear clean clothes in good repair. I have washed hair, usually I style it when going out. I even sometimes wear a bit of makeup! I do struggle with my self-esteem but it has got loads better recently. Until now.

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Pinkdelight3 · 28/07/2021 11:46

YANBU at all. I'd only do the bits you genuinely want to do and replace the others with a big meal out instead and then stuff my face to just prove a point. But I appreciate it's harder when they've got this influence over you. Keep hold of all that good work you've done on your esteem, that's what really matters.

Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 28/07/2021 11:47

@Tal45 - I get on well with my DM - she is very sweet although not what I would call 'deep'. My DF I have a difficult relationship with. He has his nice side but he is often a judgemental arsehole and that is aimed at all and sundry but in particular women.

@mumsyme2 - you can have them if you want!! Grin Thank you for understanding and yes, I should take advantage of their generosity!

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Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 28/07/2021 11:50

@Demortuisnilnisibonum

Using the word, ‘makeover,’ is a red flag. If they’d suggested a, ‘pampering session,’ it would feel nicer. However, I would still accept, if I thought it would feel good and give me a boost. You don’t see them that often, so it only needs to matter on a deeper level, if you want it to. Do what feels good for you. You could treat it lightly (shallowly!) if you wished - your choice. You are in charge of your feelings, not them Flowers
Thank you - very helpful.
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Bluntness100 · 28/07/2021 11:52

Op if you’re on low income, and have been unwell could they just have thought it would be a lovely treat to make you feel better? With nothing more behind it, as you wouldn’t be able to afford to do these things easily yourself?

Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 28/07/2021 11:57

@mathanxiety

YANBU.

Take the haircut and facial.

Say no thanks to the shopping trip.

Do they have eating disorders?

Not as far as I know but I had one when younger they didn't really acknowledge it, as such although in the beginning when I was still at home I think my DM was concerned as I remember her bringing me up toast cut into a heart shape to try and get me to eat it (at 16!) - she is very sweet.
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Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 28/07/2021 11:58

@PomBearWithoutHerOFRS

Get the money then send them an email with pics of tattoos (I will let you have pics of mine Grin if you want ) and piercings, saying "thanks, I feel so LIBERATED!!!! Grin
Grin. that would be hilarious! They would have a heart attack!!
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Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 28/07/2021 11:59

@AtomHeartMotherOfGod

It's a nice offer as a stand-alone but with the backstory YANBU to feel the way you do.

I would still accept for purely practical reasons though; apart from the facial these are things I consume and spend money on.

If I was buying a dress in the sales I'd look at Anthropologie, Me + Em, Whistles, Mint Velvet, Jigsaw and Hobbs.

Thank you
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Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 28/07/2021 12:02

@Pinkdelight3

YANBU at all. I'd only do the bits you genuinely want to do and replace the others with a big meal out instead and then stuff my face to just prove a point. But I appreciate it's harder when they've got this influence over you. Keep hold of all that good work you've done on your esteem, that's what really matters.
Thank you so much! Would be funny to see their faces if I literally stuffed my face in front of them! I think they'd be offering to pay for me to go to fat club!
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