DH Cross with DM for something that hasn't happened yet

[Redbluegold]

Two DC 3 and 1.5. Neither sleeps through the night. Dh and I have booked a night in a hotel in our city in a couple of weeks, my DM said she'd watch our DC overnight. Arrangement is she'll do their dinner, bedtime etc then watch them the next day and we'll be home mid afternoon.

Chatting to DM today. She was asking about bedtime routine etc. Asked what to do of both girls wake up. I told her what I'd do. She said, v light heartedly, that she might call us to come home if she gets no sleep. Highly unlikely but also totally reasonable, I think.

Relayed this to DH. He stormed off in a huff saying my DM shouldn't have agreed to have them overnight if she can't keep her promise. Gone off to sleep in the spare room.

Who's BU? DM for saying she might need us to come back (v off the cuff comment, not like she'll call at 10pm because they're not asleep, she meant more like call at 11am the next morning). Or DH for storming off in a huff, thinking the weekend has been already?

If you said that she said it very light heartedly it sounds like a jokey banter which isnt meant to be taken literally.

To be honest this is something my mum would say and it would wind me up. For me it’s because it would mean I’d be stressed about what’s happening at home and if I’m going to get a call and I wouldn’t be able to relax. We’ve only ever had one night away from our DC in 8 years for this reason!
Storming off to the spare room like he’s a toddler himself is obviously unreasonable though.

FIL often says things like this and it means they are always my last resort. I can never relax if they have DS and although MIL offers to help on days I'm working I feel like I can't rely on them. Does your DM have form for being flaky? Even if she does I think your DH is overreacting. I can imagine getting really angry if in laws were having DS and said this but I wouldn't take it out on DH - I'd just get my family to step in!

DM wasn't joking

Then I see his point and he wasn't being unreasonable. Your DM was selfish and wrong to say that. I think your DH is so looking forward to that night away, and now he probably thinks he can't relax because at any moment your DM could flake out on you both. Nothing more a turn off than that. If I were you I would speak to your DM and say your DH keeps worrying about your comment (be HONEST with her) and thinks maybe she isn't up to it, and unless she is 100% sure, you can find someone else to take DC. Yes, sleeping in another room is over the top when it's not your fault, but I'll be honest; I could not relax unless I was 110% sure my MIL could handle anything that happened, and the night away would be a write off for me. I'd just not go. It would be ruined. So you need to make sure your DM is a 110 or at least 100% sure she can handle your DC for 24 hours, otherwise, find someone else or cancel it, because the mood will be ruined.

I am with your DH. In fact, I did exactly this once as my MIL sounds exactly like your DM. MIL was always 'offering' to take our non-sleeping DS1 overnight, but then flaking out/making out she was joking.

One night we got given a hotel stay in Edinburgh (same city she lived in; in fact a 35 minute walk from said hotel). DH asked if she wouldn't mind watching him. "Of course!" came the reply "you both deserve it". Close to the time she got cold feet and kept making "jokes" about if he kept her up all night and how she would need to call DH etc. It really put me off. In the end, she called us at 9pm (we'd dropped him off at 5 to have dinner out straight from there) as she "couldn't put DS1 to bed" and it was "so hard". I was furious as I was already on edge because of her "light-hearted joking comments" and I refused to go with DH to collect DS1 at 10am the next morning (he'd agreed to this earlier collection when making the detour to put our son to bed during our long awaited "night off".

Do you know what, that was over 8 years ago and I'm still angry about it. She has not had the children overnight since and now we live in a completely different country, so it's her loss! My sympathies to your DH.

Oh and the one night in 8 years that we did go away (a wedding, 2.5 hour train ride away) my mum text at 8am asking when we’d be back as she had a headache. I was then bombarded with messages as we rushed to get home (sadly you can’t make a train go faster) asking where my paracetamol were, where my ibuprofen was, when our train was arriving etc. It was so fucking stressful that we haven’t asked again.

I once had to get an Uber all the way across the city at 1 in the morning because MIL couldn’t get 5 year old DD to settle after she’d woken.

It was inconvenient.

Surely it was a joke!

I think that was a very silly and unkind thing for your mum to say. Perhaps you are used to that sort of negativity from her? A much more appropriate comment would have been " don't' be ridiculous, I have plenty of experience in coping with toddlers at night. And if the worst came to the worst one night won't kill me". Rather than setting up doubts that she doesn't intend to even try and cope.

Your husbands reaction was OTT though. I fell sorry for you coping with both those drama queens as well as your D.C.

Although I disagree with your husbands dramatic flouncing I do agree with him that you might as well not go rather then be constantly on edge waiting for your mum to call. I'd postpone the trip and tell your mum that you are concerned the kids will be too much for her.

Sound a bit like my mil. She had agreed she’s in advance to watch our children for 1 single night so we could have 1 night without the children. I knew what she was was like so put my mother in standbye and yup two days before the trip she could no longer watch them.

DH is being a big ole baby - I would be having very strong words about his tantrum.

@starrynight87

Surely it was a joke!

Nope. OP has said her mother meant it but said it in an offhand sort of way. But she also has form for being flakey.

DH acting like a wanker. But your DM shouldnt have said that. If she’s offered to have the DC, she shouldn’t be worrying you that you might need to come home etc. She should be allowing you to go away for the night, and relax

So has your husband apologised for getting into a strop for something that wasn't in any way your fault?

I'm totally on your DH's side here. He clearly has the measure of your mother, especially as she has form for this.

Good on your SIL for stepping in. But your mother really needs to take a good hard look at herself.