DH Cross with DM for something that hasn't happened yet

[Redbluegold]

Two DC 3 and 1.5. Neither sleeps through the night. Dh and I have booked a night in a hotel in our city in a couple of weeks, my DM said she'd watch our DC overnight. Arrangement is she'll do their dinner, bedtime etc then watch them the next day and we'll be home mid afternoon.

Chatting to DM today. She was asking about bedtime routine etc. Asked what to do of both girls wake up. I told her what I'd do. She said, v light heartedly, that she might call us to come home if she gets no sleep. Highly unlikely but also totally reasonable, I think.

Relayed this to DH. He stormed off in a huff saying my DM shouldn't have agreed to have them overnight if she can't keep her promise. Gone off to sleep in the spare room.

Who's BU? DM for saying she might need us to come back (v off the cuff comment, not like she'll call at 10pm because they're not asleep, she meant more like call at 11am the next morning). Or DH for storming off in a huff, thinking the weekend has been already?

I’d be pissed off if I was your DH, no wonder he went and slept in the other room- your mums offered a much needed life line, just one single night, and she can’t even do that! Your OH has had to call his sister to take the kids in the morning for you to actually be able to have one little break!

I’d be pissed and wouldn’t be asking your mum again as she obviously likes to be manipulative!!

DM wasn't joking but it was a very low key comment, thrown in amongst a busy conversation we were having.

So it wasn't a joke. A daft attempt at a joke is one thing. However, saying she'd call you to come home if they didn't sleep, knowing they don't sleep makes me wonder why she bothered offering in the first place.

Would SIL have the kids overnight?

Your mum either doesn't really want to, or doesn't feel she can cope. That's okay - I haven't had my baby yet but MIL has been clear that her child raising days are over and she only wants to do the "fun" bits - but she has to be honest with you about that, not make jokey comments and hope you pick up on them.

And I say that as someone who is an awful people pleaser and would absolutely naturally go for jokey comments in the hope that the other person solved the problem without me having to upset them...

Your DH probably shouldn't have stormed off, but if he's at the end of his tether, your mum offered and now she's not sure if she can do it and other family members are being roped in for support... I can see why he was put out.

If I'm honest, if DH's parents had made that comment, I'd be pushing to change babysitter. There is no point going away and worrying about the kids, or that the in-laws aren't coping, or that we'll get called back early because someone is unhappy.

It’s really hard to fully understand what’s going on here without knowing the bigger picture.

Is it that your husband is a stroppy man child who controls you with his tantrums?

Or is it that you mum has a history of being flaky and/or attaching strings to every single favour as a passive aggressive way to control you, and this was the last straw for your husband?

Does your husband get on with your mum generally, or is their relationship strained? Do you get on with your husband usually or is your relationship strained?

I have a similarly ‘strings always attached’ MIL and I can imagine that if I was in your husband’s position, it would be the straw that broke the camel’s back. While I might not get to the point of storming off to the spare room, I would be fucked off for sure. Especially if I had to rope my sister in as back up because MIL was back pedalling as usual.

But as I said, without the background context it’s hard to know.

If my mum made that comment I'd be asking someone else to have them. DS sleeps well these days but it took two years to get here! DM and MIL have always said go and enjoy yourself, if he wakes he wakes. DM says you manage and you're working the next day and both have said in the past of it comes to it he can sleep in bed with them. It sounds like your mum doesn't really want to do it, and honestly if she's only doubt the evening but and over night she shouldn't need childcare for childcare in the morning, if she does she's not the right person to ask.

How old is your DM? My DM is in her 50s and I wouldn't expect her to babysit my dc's overnight unless they reliably sleep through the night and I would be putting them to bed before I leave.

I think it's too much to ask. I'm a bit shocked at so many pp's saying your DM is unreasonable tbh. She's hinting at you that she thinks it might be too much for her, they are your dc's so you should make sure it isn't too much for her. Did she know that they don't sleep through before she agreed to have them? At those ages I would expect them to sleep through if I was babysitting.

There's been misunderstanding here too, I didn't say that DC don't sleep, just that they wake up every night and need a cuddle to get back to sleep. They're not great sleepers in that they don't sleep through the night but neither of them has ever (even as little babies) kept us up through the night.

DM has form for being unreliable/flaking on agreed plans/ changing plans etc (she wouldn't with this as hotel is paid for and she knows the stakes are too high) and DH can be a man child so dealing with two tricky people.

Anyway, all come good as DM will have them for the overnight and then DS will have them in the morning and then me and DH will be back. And tbh, if my own children had kept me up through the night I'd hope for someone else to ha e them in the morning so that I could rest too.

DSIL has her own children/life so can't have DC overnight at the moment.

You and your mum aren’t in the wrong, DH is 100% in the wrong.

I’m looking after my 4 young, very active, non-sleeping nieces for a weekend and I’m looking forward to it but in the back of my mind I’m having a mini panic as my DCs a teen so it’s been a long time I’ve been without sleep.
But I’m youngish and active so can cope with a weekend without sleep but if I was 50+ I’d want that reassurance that if I really couldn’t cope that you won’t fall out with me if I had to ring you earlier than planned. But that doesn’t mean I would, it’s just having that reassurance. Your mum will be fine as you are coming back the next day anyway so she’ll see an end in sight

I would hope anyone having my DCs would ring me if they really can’t cope.

So she has form for it!!! Well your DH didn’t over react then, sleep deprived parents having a break dangled in front of their noses then half pulled away is torturous!!

@Vodkalimeandice

I think it's you. Why relay that to him when you Said yourself it was very lighthearted ?

This ^^. No need to have repeated this off-the-cuff comment to him. Look at the angst you’ve caused!

DM has form for being unreliable/flaking on agreed plans/ changing plans etc (she wouldn't with this as hotel is paid for and she knows the stakes are too high)

She already has though. The original agreement from your OP was she'll do their dinner, bedtime etc then watch them the next day and we'll be home mid afternoon. Now because she might be tired your SIL has had to be roped in to help. Even before rearranging the extra help she was being flaky and changing the plans, or else she wouldn't have made the comments about calling you.

DM has form for being unreliable/flaking on agreed plans/ changing plans etc (she wouldn't with this as hotel is paid for and she knows the stakes are too high) and DH can be a man child so dealing with two tricky people.

Sounds like your DH knows what your DM is like and wishes he’d never got her involved.
Maybe less of a man-child in this instance and more someone who thinks this is all
too much bloody effort for one night away.

Do you think your DH and you already know your mums going to call you in the middle of the night at the hotel?

She’s creating a lot of stress for something that should be a break.

Did you ask your mum to have them overnight or was it her idea to offer?

Sounds like your DH knows what your DM is like and wishes he’d never got her involved. Maybe less of a man-child in this instance and more someone who thinks this is all too much bloody effort for one night away.

Agreed. He wants a relaxing night away and to do so the children have now got to go to two relatives and he's got the added stress of the fact the OPs mum may still call because she's finding it all too much and has form for being flakey. No wonder he was pissed off.

DSIL has her own children/life so can't have DC overnight at the moment

Also just my opinion but I think it's pretty shit of your mum to think this is a reasonable compromise.

The women already has her own kids adding another 2 little ones to her charge instead of them remaining with your mum who would only have the 2 small people to be responsible for is really unreasonable.

I’m also with your DH (apart from the sleeping in the other room bit). Your DM has form for flakiness, you said so yourself. So with that knowledge I reckon you would definitely get a call telling you to come back early and your DH knows that. If it were me I wouldn’t be able to relax as at any minute the phone would go.

Your DM is making herself look like the good guy by agreeing to look after them and at the same time controlling you and potentially ruining your break.

My SIL very kindly bought me and DH a voucher for an overnight stay in a spa hotel for our 40th and offered to look after our DC. So kind, but unfortunately her DH “lightheadedly joked” that he’d take himself away that weekend so he didn’t have to deal with them. Nice. I decided there was no way they were staying somewhere where they weren’t wanted.

How old is your Mum OP?

DM has form for being unreliable/flaking on agreed plans/ changing plans etc (she wouldn't with this as hotel is paid for and she knows the stakes are too high) and DH can be a man child so dealing with two tricky people.

That's a bit of an accidental drip feed...

She won't this time? It seems like she already has. She was looking after your children overnight until mid-afternoon... now SIL is being roped in.

Your mum has form for flakiness and I'm guessing there's a massive backstory here - perhaps where DH is regularly having to ask his sister to help out because your mum is unreliable. He massively over reacted and acted like a child but I can't help thinking this might be a final straw situation for him.

Personally, I never left my DC overnight with my mum for this exact reason - she was great with them, very willing etc, but would not have coped overnight. It sounds like your mum will not cope. You know it, she knows it, DH knows it and you're all trying to pretend it will be fine when it won't.

It does sound like you've turned a nice night away into a major chore. Will you have to contact your DM during the evening for 'updates'?

DW asked me to check on DC when she stayed over with my mum, I said no. She will contact me if she needs to and I'd consider it rude to check if my mum is coping with looking after a child, she had 4 of her own!

Everyone here is being unreasonable except for SIL.

DM for being flaky, and offering something to then go back on the offer and requesting SIL gets dragged in.
OP for passing on the "joke" knowing that it is the start of DM being flaky, also for the massive drip feed.
DH for overreacting and sleeping in the spare room.

On balance I'd say its not worth relying on DM for plans in the future and I'm not surprised your DH is wound up that she's letting you down.

Obviously dramatic stropping off to the spare room is ridiculous. To be fair that would get actively laughed at in my house and a query if in fact your were 5? (To be fair my DS2 who is 5 does a fantastic strop off to bed....Still hasn't realised it is not a punishment for us ).

I would wonder the level of buildup here. My dp and dsis have always been flaky and lots of micro letting us down etc. My DP would be cross at this behaviour from her (not that we would ever now risk an overnight with her ) because it would be in a long line of annoying behaviours. DP mum would firmly be in the camp of she would just figure it out. She wouldn't book anything else to do so could sleep when they were picked up if really necessary. It would be an absolute no to disturbing us. So a lighthearted comment from her I wouldn't bother even passing on but from my DP it would be a clear warning that they were going to bail.

However this scenario is vanishingly rare for us (like once in 5 years and we were picking up a car) so it sort of depends how often.

Ultimately these incidents are more often a build up of lots of similar behaviours. But whilst he certainly had a right to be annoyed (your DM is being a bit ridiculous) he really overreacted. I would calm him down but understand he was probably irritated and legitimately.

Massive drip feed OP.
Stop involving your mother in significant stuff if she’s unreliable.
It also makes you look manipulative when you passed on her comment, do you thrive on drama?

DH was BU to strop off to the spare room, effectively blaming you. What a child.

My mum is in her late 60s and gets very anxious about her sleep. She needs to be in bed by 9.30pm else she will be tossing and turning all night. It's bizarre to me but having lived with her I know her well.

I know in a similar situation, my mum would get very little sleep, so my sympathies are with your mum. Not good that she is flakey, hope she keeps her word. But as I said, DH should not be sulking with you.