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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH Cross with DM for something that hasn't happened yet

140 replies

Redbluegold · 26/07/2021 22:55

Two DC 3 and 1.5. Neither sleeps through the night. Dh and I have booked a night in a hotel in our city in a couple of weeks, my DM said she'd watch our DC overnight. Arrangement is she'll do their dinner, bedtime etc then watch them the next day and we'll be home mid afternoon.

Chatting to DM today. She was asking about bedtime routine etc. Asked what to do of both girls wake up. I told her what I'd do. She said, v light heartedly, that she might call us to come home if she gets no sleep. Highly unlikely but also totally reasonable, I think.

Relayed this to DH. He stormed off in a huff saying my DM shouldn't have agreed to have them overnight if she can't keep her promise. Gone off to sleep in the spare room.

Who's BU? DM for saying she might need us to come back (v off the cuff comment, not like she'll call at 10pm because they're not asleep, she meant more like call at 11am the next morning). Or DH for storming off in a huff, thinking the weekend has been already?

OP posts:

Feather12 · 27/07/2021 03:46

My MIL used to do that. Offer to have the kids then put loads of caveats in place. It is really fucking difficult when people let you down like that. Your DP has overreacted by going off to spare room, but your mum sounds very unreasonable, it’s only one night!

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 27/07/2021 04:03

Quite a lot depends on whether your mum has form for letting you down in similar fashion before.

If not, and she was genuinely just joking, then your DP is being unreasonable yes - but if he has any reason to suspect that she might actually do what she's said, then he's not being AS unreasonable.

Your ma was unreasonable to say that unless it was an out-and-out joke; and you probably shouldn't have passed it on to your DP except as an out-and-out joke, that he would know was a joke.

Bit of a mess all round, really.
Hope the weekend works out ok and your mother does NOT call you!

SD1978 · 27/07/2021 04:37

She's either looking after then or she's not- only reason to call you should be illness. If I was going away and thought that a phone call could be coming anytime if the night because she was tired it wouldn't be much of a trip away. He's over reacted to the comment, but she probably shouldn't have made it. If she can't cope with them yet, maybe shouldn't have offered to have them overnight yet

AlternativePerspective · 27/07/2021 04:40

Tbh I think that if your children don’t sleep to the extent that you feel there’s a chance your mum won’t get any sleep and is likely to call you back home then it’s probably too soon to leave the DC with someone else overnight, and to start thinking about some sleep training.

You have both had limited sleep for the past 3.5 years and now you have a chance of a weekend away, and your mum has implied she’ll be calling you back if she gets no sleep. Something which is a real possibility.

So your DH knows your weekend together without kids is likely to be ruined as you’ll be waiting for the call.

It would probably be better to work on getting the kids sleeping through first, and then book a weekend away when the possibility of no sleep for for someone else isn’t on the cards.

Lampzade · 27/07/2021 04:43

It is very difficult to decide who is the most unreasonable
Your dh is childish . However, your mother is wrong for seemingly putting you on edge. The fact that you told your dh implies that you don’t actually think it was a ‘joke’.
My MIL once agreed to look after my one year old dd for a night. Dh and I were so grateful as we hadn’t had anytime to ourselves since dd was born and my mental state was not good. MIL was aware of this.
MIL agree to take dd from 6pm and we would collect dd 12pm the next day. Bear in mind that dd was a very easy baby to look after.
At 6am MIL called me on my mobile and asked me to come and collect dd. She didn’t give a reason, just asked me to come and get her.
I promptly collected my dd and never asked MIL to take care of dd or any of my subsequent dcs. She always asked why she couldn’t have them overnight and she would get upset about the fact that my mother had them overnight.
Is your mother difficult Op?

miltonj · 27/07/2021 05:53

She shouldn't have said that. I think if you offer to baby sit, you baby sit! Otherwise you would just ask someone who was fully prepared for all eventualities.

Tealwarrior · 27/07/2021 05:58

It was really mean spirited of your mum to say it even jokingly because it’s the kind of comment that can take the shine of something and cause problems.

miltonj · 27/07/2021 05:59

And to everyone saying he's a man child snd over the top: it's likely there was a bit of dialogue/argument, the OP is likely paraphrasing. They've fallen out, like couples do. He probably hadn't heard one price of information and gone into full strop.

Wjevtvha · 27/07/2021 05:59

I’m with him really; if my mil said that I’d be thinking why are we bothering paying for a hotel if that’s the case. She shouldn’t have said yes if she thought that might happen

LowlandLucky · 27/07/2021 06:00

What age is your Mum ? For all of you that are saying she was wrong to even mention calling early the next morning if she hadn't managed to sleep, just wait until you are over 50, menopausal and aching, you will realise that even looking after Grandchildren for a couple of hours wears you out. Gran is being nice and looking after their children so i think the manchild needs to become the adult he is supposed to be.

Mumdiva99 · 27/07/2021 06:06

Your mum was fine. She wasn't saying she'll call in the middle of the night. Just if she's shattered in the morning she might want you home before lunch. Surely this is why you are staying local so you can come back if there is a problem. You still get dinner and a night out. Your DH is being ungrateful and a twat.

Maggiemay92 · 27/07/2021 06:06

I think your mum ks being unreasonable. She shouldn't have agreed to have them overnight and then threatened to call you home. When you agree to take care of babies and toddlers overnight, you should obviously expect that you might not get much sleep. If you can't accept that then don't agree to stay overnight. If I were your DH I'd feel like a dampener had been put on the whole night, as I'd feel like I was probably going to be called back at any minute (as you mentioned that the kids don't sleep through the night anyway) and would be a bit on edge and waiting for the call. It wouldn't seem relaxing or fun anymore.

pinkcircustop · 27/07/2021 06:10

Your mum is out of order here. She shouldn’t be offering to look after them if she won’t follow through.

How can you possibly relax?

Cattitudes · 27/07/2021 06:16

Maybe he could ask his mother to take over at breakfast time so your mother gets a rest and you both get to enjoy the time away.

Iwonder08 · 27/07/2021 06:35

Actually it is quite understandable he is annoyed. If your mum is aware the kids don't sleep through the night why did she agree to look after them if it is an issue? If she indeed made a lighthearted comment why did you tell your husband? I can tell you I would cancel the hotel stay if I were him, the whole point is to finally be able yo feel relaxed and now he will be constantly worried your mum will call because the kids won't sleep as they never do.

girlmom21 · 27/07/2021 06:41

I think you're the one who's being unreasonable, actually. She said it lightheartedly. His reaction would suggest you didn't relay it that way.

GreenCrayon · 27/07/2021 06:43

@Iwonder08

I agree. His reaction to sleep in a separate room might be a little melodramatic but I completely see his point in not spending money for a hotel room and going out when you'll both be on edge unable to relax waiting for the inevitable call at some point to come home.

I would be looking for someone else to have them. People don't make comments like that for no reason and you cannot garuntee she won't call. In my opinion it was a crappy thing to say and has clearly ruined any enjoyment he had about finally getting a bit of a break.

Roselilly36 · 27/07/2021 06:44

Strange thing for your mum to say, it’s only one night. DH shouldn’t be taking it out on you for something your mum said. Don’t let it worry you & enjoy your night away.

Inneedofaholiday · 27/07/2021 06:50

Sounds like you both need a break and some sleep so not sure why your mum said she’d call you if her sleep is disrupted. If it was a throw away comment it didn’t need mentioning to your DH.

Dontforgetyourbrolly · 27/07/2021 06:53

Your mum was joking
You love drama
Your husband is acting like an over tired child
Maybe it's you thats not ready to leave your kids overnight?
Not sure whats happening here it sounds like it all got blown out of proportion

Shoxfordian · 27/07/2021 07:11

It sounds like your mum was joking and your dh overreacted like a toddler

Is he often like that?

gorginabambina · 27/07/2021 07:14

Tbh I'd be pissed off to and want to cancel.

You think its reasonable to cut the trip short if she is tired and probably relayed it back like that. He probably feels its pointless going if he is having to check his phone every five mins and come back early.

Its restrictive and I wouldn't be able to relax. Whats the point in offering to have the kids if she can't cope? If I leave my kids with anyone I want to be secure in the knowledge that who ever is looking after them can manage.

Whinge · 27/07/2021 07:15

@CrocodilesCry

I'd be annoyed she said that TBH. It sounds like you need a break, and you and your DH need to know she's not going to make you come home if the kids don't settle. I'd find someone else to look after them.

Another one who agrees with this. It's hardly a relaxing night if you're waiting for the inevitable phone call to come home. I think he's over reacted, but I can see why he's annoyed. Only you know if she has form for being flaky, or if it was just a shit joke.

Osrie · 27/07/2021 07:18

@PieceOfString

Big fat overreaction. But is he at breaking point with needing a break? Sometimes when we are up to our eyeballs for too long we get things out of perspective and overreact being massively not it best seive. Maybe he has got so much riding on this in his head that this was a bit final straw for him. So if this is out of character, reassure him and tell him kindly he's taken things too much to heart and overreacted. If this is typical behaviour for him that's a whole other story.

I was going to say this.

Ducksurprise · 27/07/2021 07:58

I agree that you and your mum is being unreasonable, and whilst storming off isn't the best reaction sleepless kids are hard work.

Those saying the mother might be tired after one night and need to go home early. It's one night, years of sleepless nights are hard work, I'd imagine your dh just felt that she could manage one night.

Whatever your night is ruined because both of you will be expecting to be called home.

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