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Original poster

DH Cross with DM for something that hasn't happened yet

140 replies

Redbluegold · 26/07/2021 22:55

Two DC 3 and 1.5. Neither sleeps through the night. Dh and I have booked a night in a hotel in our city in a couple of weeks, my DM said she'd watch our DC overnight. Arrangement is she'll do their dinner, bedtime etc then watch them the next day and we'll be home mid afternoon.

Chatting to DM today. She was asking about bedtime routine etc. Asked what to do of both girls wake up. I told her what I'd do. She said, v light heartedly, that she might call us to come home if she gets no sleep. Highly unlikely but also totally reasonable, I think.

Relayed this to DH. He stormed off in a huff saying my DM shouldn't have agreed to have them overnight if she can't keep her promise. Gone off to sleep in the spare room.

Who's BU? DM for saying she might need us to come back (v off the cuff comment, not like she'll call at 10pm because they're not asleep, she meant more like call at 11am the next morning). Or DH for storming off in a huff, thinking the weekend has been already?

OP posts:
ittakes2 · 27/07/2021 08:01

is there a chance when she offered she thought she was having them overnight - and was not expecting you to come home mid afternoon?

It makes more sense for you to go earlier on the first day when she has energy and come back late morning. I'm 50, I have twins - staying up all night is one thing - having no sleep and coping with two small children who aren't your's in terms of knowing them well for most of a day is another.

Maybe thats what she means.

ComDummings · 27/07/2021 08:04

Your DH overreacted but then I overreacted to things when I was sleep deprived. If I thought I’d have a lovely night away and suddenly felt that could be snatched away from me I probably would have been a huge drama llama about it too Grin
I do think what your mum said was shitty, if it’s a joke it’s quite mean really.

Dollywilde · 27/07/2021 08:07

Your DH overreacted but your DM shouldn’t have said that.

DMIL is having our toddler in a couple of weeks overnight for the first time - DD is generally sleeping through but usually up at 5am for the day at the moment. I apologised to DMIL in case she does a really early start to which DMIL pointed out she is retired and we have been doing 5am starts for over a year - and if it does happen she’ll catch up on sleep the next night, whereas we only have one night off for a good sleep. I’d be quite pissed off if my mum offered to have her overnight but I was being threatened with being called back to her house - it would take all the enjoyment out of the evening.

HelloDulling · 27/07/2021 08:09

He’s obviously being ridiculous, but does your mum really mean that after one disturbed night she would expect you dash home?

30degreesandmeltinghere · 27/07/2021 08:15

So are you to sit in the restaurant in your coats drinking water incase she rings?
She shouldn't have said it..
Dh was a bit Ott but probably very disappointed..

Cuddlyrottweiler · 27/07/2021 08:20

I think your mum was wrong, sorry.
Most adults can go a night without sleep and still function the next day. I wouldn't expect to be called back just because she's tired. She's suggesting she can't cope and will end your weekend at whim so I wouldn't enjoy going.

LookItsMeAgain · 27/07/2021 08:23

I think there is four things at play here.

1 - this is the first night away and I can imagine that your DH thought it would be a lovely uninterrupted night of just the pair of you, with no one having to check out early or for any reason.

2 - your DM who agreed to look after the children, saying (no matter how light-heartedly) that she would phone you to come back from this night away.

3 - you relaying the second point to your DH

4 - as a result of 3 above, your DH's impression of what was supposed to be a nice night away, disappearing into the ether and he stormed off greatly disappointed because of this.

You need to have a word with your mother and say to her that the only conditions that you are to be getting a phone call is if she herself is severely injured and cannot look after the children or if they are injured and are in hospital. Everything else can be put on hold until you get back.
You should also have a word and say that neither of you appreciated that little joke of hers where she said she would be phoning you to come home from a night away and if she cannot look after the children.
You also should clearly filter out what you relay to your DH about what your mum says.

At the crux of this is the two children who don't sleep through the night. They should be sleeping through the night by now. I don't know why they aren't sleeping through the night but as their parents, you have to 'teach' them how to do it.
You should watch a few of these episodes of The Three Day Nanny and see how she manages to get some very lively children who regularly get up in the night and refuse to go to sleep to do both of those things in a short space of time:
www.youtube.com/results?search_query=three+day+nanny

SaltySheepdog · 27/07/2021 08:26

I’m with your DH however he should have been more adult about it

toocold54 · 27/07/2021 08:34

What age is your Mum ? For all of you that are saying she was wrong to even mention calling early the next morning if she hadn't managed to sleep, just wait until you are over 50, menopausal and aching, you will realise that even looking after Grandchildren for a couple of hours wears you out. Gran is being nice and looking after their children so i think the manchild needs to become the adult he is supposed to be.

I completely agree!

If someone was looking after my DC I would never make them feel like they weren’t allowed to ring me if they couldn’t cope.

I’m really shocked so many people are saying the mum is BU surely if you go away for the night there’s always a chance it would have to be cut short.

If I was mum and found out he reacted like that I wouldn’t have them because if there was a emergency I’d be worried about ringing him in case he kicked off.

Original poster
Redbluegold · 27/07/2021 08:39

Thanks for replies. Quite a mix which is helpful.

DM wasn't joking but it was a very low key comment, thrown in amongst a busy conversation we were having. She meant if the DC don't sleep at all and she's had zero sleep then in the morning she might ask us to come back but quickly said that she would just plan a low key day the next day anyway so wouldn't be a problem. When I spoke to DH, I said please can we ask SIL (who always offers) to take them for an hour or two the next morning so that DM knows she will have a break and I thought it would be a kind and sensible thing to do. This is when DH got annoyed and said she shouldn't have promised and stormed off to the other room. This morning he asked his DSis if she could have them for a few hours the next morning and she said yes (as I knew she would) so all's right again and, to my mind, no need for him to have got stroppy and slept in another bed!

OP posts:
GreenCrayon · 27/07/2021 08:40

surely if you go away for the night there’s always a chance it would have to be cut short.

Of course people understand there is a chance that a trip away might have to be cut short when you're leaving behind children but this would be for an unforeseen circumstance not because the children hadn't slept for one night.

The OPs mum knows they don't sleep and was therefore likely to have a disturbed night's sleep herself yet she still offered to have them. It's unreasonable to then say she may use this as a reason why she might call. The OPs DH is pissed off because he knows they won't sleep so is expecting that she will call as she's already laid the groundwork to show this is what she intends to do.

Bluntness100 · 27/07/2021 08:41

I don’t know how you didn’t know your husband is a drama queen and would react as such?

Popetthetreehugger · 27/07/2021 08:41

Please don’t relay this back to your DM , she will be heartbroken that you married such a dick . A lighthearted comment that was obviously just a joke .

hardboiledeggs · 27/07/2021 08:45

Looks like you and your DH really need a break. I can totally understand why your DH is pissed off tbh, you said yourself your DM isn’t joking so why even make the offer if she can’t be bothered to follow it through

GalaxyGirl24 · 27/07/2021 08:45

Don't tell your DM about DHs behaviour, very childish of him!

DM is probably a bit anxious too, so like you say an off the cuff joke. She probably doesn't want to disrupt their routine and is testing the waters for what might happen if it all goes to pot, as in, would you want to be told?

We have my DM looking after DD11months for the first time alone soon for 5 hrs. If DH kicked off like this I'd be telling him he was bloody lucky she was even willing to do childcare (she will also be doing childcare for us a day a week!) as many gps will not!

TheSunShinesBrighter · 27/07/2021 08:45

Sounds like he’s looking forward to the break.
The idea that your mother could call at any time puts a dampener on the whole trip.

One of you can’t drink as you may/may not be called upon and need to be availabl, you will have to check your phone for calls, one or both of you may have to leave mid trip.

I’m with him. Who wants to be on edge waiting for a call that may or may not happen.

I’d honestly rather not go.

My DM used to look after my DC and I knew that unless something catastrophic happened we were free for the night.
She would never say she’d call us back because she had little sleep.

CrouchEndTiger12 · 27/07/2021 08:47

I'm with your dh here. You mother has had children herself

1.5 year olds do wake up and cry at night. Frequently. She's too precious to deal with that she shouldn't have offered.

PuppyMonkey · 27/07/2021 08:49

But she wasn’t joking.

PegasusReturns · 27/07/2021 08:49

I think that’s pretty poor behaviour on your mums part and I’m not surprised that it’s annoyed your DH although his drama is a bit OTT

TheSunShinesBrighter · 27/07/2021 08:49

This morning he asked his DSis if she could have them for a few hours the next morning and she said yes (as I knew she would) so all's right again and, to my mind, no need for him to have got stroppy and slept in another bed!

I don’t think your DM should have been asked/ offered.
She obviously can’t cope.

Good that your SIL has saved the day.

GreenCrayon · 27/07/2021 08:49

When I spoke to DH, I said please can we ask SIL (who always offers) to take them for an hour or two the next morning so that DM knows she will have a break and I thought it would be a kind and sensible thing to do. This is when DH got annoyed and said she shouldn't have promised and stormed off to the other room. This morning he asked his DSis if she could have them for a few hours the next morning and she said yes

To be honest I'm not sure I would be leaving them with your mum if you know already that she genuinely cannot cope with them for the time you're away and needs someone to come and get them the next morning. Wouldn't it make more sense and be less disruptive to the children to have his sister look after them the whole time instead?

Crockof · 27/07/2021 08:50

@Popetthetreehugger

Please don’t relay this back to your DM , she will be heartbroken that you married such a dick . A lighthearted comment that was obviously just a joke .
Show me the part that is funny. The waiting on the call whilst having dinner, the regulating of alcohol as you don't know when you will be up, the checking your phone before you go to bed, the restless sleep as you are aware you might have to get up early, the feeling you should be home as you have breakfast? Funny.

Yes they chose to have kids but the mum chose to babysit, if she can't cope she shouldn't have offered.

TheSunShinesBrighter · 27/07/2021 08:51

Wouldn't it make more sense and be less disruptive to the children to have his sister look after them the whole time instead?

I agree with this.

wigjuice · 27/07/2021 08:51

I'd suggest you arrange someone else to mind your children as your mum is clearly worried about doing it.

knittingaddict · 27/07/2021 08:52

I think two people are in the wrong here. Your mum (slightly) and your partner (definitely).

If you mum has said that she will have your children then she should stick to it and in you op you make it sound like she might well ask you to come home if she's had little sleep. As a grandmother who regularly looks after my grandchildren (they are here now) I think lacking sleep and being a bit tired is par for the course and it's only one night. She can catch up when you've all gone home. If it was a joke then she should have made it very clear that she wasn't being serious.

Actually now I've written that out I think your mum might be at least as bad as your husband. Confused

Your husband is obviously being unreasonable to act like a child over this, but I understand his annoyance to some extent. How can he reelax and enjoy himself if you could be called home at a moments notice. Possibly not the weekend he envisioned. Punishing you is ridiculous though and he needs to find better ways to deal with his irritation.