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Original poster

Already given savings, DSS wants more.

520 replies

ScottyandWestie · 25/07/2021 20:09

Posting here for traffic as feeling terribly conflicted and a bit taken for granted.
DSS mid twenties has been round with his girlfriend asking for cash from us toward a house deposit.
Due to covid husband had to take a pay cut and we don't really have anything to give right now.
DSS knows we have a couple of thousand set aside as DSD will be 21 in February and we have approx 5k to give her as we did DSS on his 21st. It's a saving plan we did for each of them since they were young children.
He and his girlfriend were complaining about house prices and I know it's awful, the 5k he had from us seemed to go on holidays and bits for his cycling hobby.
We dont have anything to give and while DSD knows the money is coming to her she has said she will keep it in savings, she has no plans to spend it.
DSS girlfriend was making me feel guilty as her Dad is helping them out, but we don't have the spare cash and we have already given him 5K. It's not our fault he spent it.
I do not want to ask DSD and I feel the money should be protected he shouldn't have any access to it at all but he is pushing my husband, his father to speak to DSD about it.
My husband and myself never had any family financial help, I appreciate getting on the housing ladder was easier years ago but this isn't his money. Also what will happen when DSD needs it?
As I'm not his parent it's awkward but I feel husband should not even entertain the idea of asking DSD to give it to her brother.
Any suggestions?

OP posts:
Original poster
ScottyandWestie · 26/07/2021 00:20

@QueenBee52
Thanks, I'm sad and shocked really at how quickly it escalated and what a manipulative shit DSS and girlfriend were to DSD.
I'm embarrassed at their behaviour, on the phone to husband. I am also concerned where we go from here? I think the dust needs to settle for a bit.
It's my husbands birthday in two weeks, we had a family dinner planned, it's going to be awkward.
My husband has had a terrible time work wise through the pandemic and does not deserve the way DSS behaved. Trouble is DSS has always been very focused on himself and ensuring his need are met first,
I'm not sure he understands how hurt we are.

OP posts:
Mrmoose23 · 26/07/2021 00:28

Have they looked at Help to Buy? Only available on new builds, if they have a 5% deposit the government will loan them 20% of the property value. They will need a mortgage for the other 75%.

QueenBee52 · 26/07/2021 00:32

@ScottyandWestie

Yes you're right... the dust needs time to settle.. as you say, your poor Husband has had so much to contend with ... the stress and worry that comes with this can make you very unwell too.. so he really needs to loom after his mental health and you do too..

I fear though, that this is not the last you've heard about this ... I imagine DSS will fight on.. despite the decision being final for you guys.. be prepared for this eventuality ...

and try get some rest ... your adrenalin will be through the roof.. 🌸

Twoforthree · 26/07/2021 00:37

How awful, but dss needs to be told exactly how selfishly he has acted.

Bagamoyo1 · 26/07/2021 00:40

What justification does DSS give for depriving his sister of the money she’s due? Why does he think it’s OK for him to have a financial gift at age 21, but not his sister? Or does he think that you and DH can save that amount again in time for her 21st?

Jux · 26/07/2021 00:40

I would be so angry that, though I wasn't his mum and according to mn I therefore should keep my nose out, I would be tearing him off a strip at his behaviour and the fallout, the upset he has caused his dad due to his selfishness, thoughtlessness and entitlement. As they say, it takes a village and would be part of that village.

Yaya26 · 26/07/2021 01:13

I'd politely tell him to sod off.

Don't let him convince your DH to loan him DSDs 5k as a "loan" for a deposit either as she has no plans for it. I doubt it would be paid back. Easy to borrow money paying back is another thing

Maggiemay92 · 26/07/2021 01:17

You can NOT even mention it to DSD. Say a firm no and refuse to discuss it again.

QueenBee52 · 26/07/2021 01:25

@Maggiemay92

You can NOT even mention it to DSD. Say a firm no and refuse to discuss it again.

is anyone reading the Thread or even OP's updates ??

DSD knows .....

Graphista · 26/07/2021 01:27

I'd honestly NOT worry about the girlfriends parents!

They're the ones should be embarrassed to have raised such a greedy selfish woman with no shame.

But I apply that also to dss parents (not you)

They didn't turn out this way by happenstance

I'm not sure he understands how hurt we are.

Then he needs to be told!

If my dd (20) EVER behaved like this to her dad and stepmum I'd go through her like a TON of salt!

And my ex is a deadbeat piece of shit! Still no excuse!

And dd knows I would too!

Wtf his and her parents have played at raising them I do not know. Like fuck would any child of mine behave like that and get away with it I don't care how big they are.

IF she did I would be making damn sure she apologised to all concerned and acknowledged the hurt and distress and worry all this mess had caused.

This is the kinda thing my sister would do. She was COMPLETELY mollycoddled and spoilt by my parents especially my mum and this is exactly the kinda crap she'd try to pull.

But she didn't get to being that way as an adult with good parenting. All through childhood whenever she fucked up it was excused and minimised and that's continued into adulthood.

Long term I think you need if you can (and I acknowledge it shouldn't be your responsibility!) to get through to your husband that if he even gives in a little on this - and I mean the behaviour NOT just the money - then he is not doing his son any favours.

His son needs to learn the world owes him NOTHING! He wants a big ass fancy house in his mid 20's best he gets his arse into a well paying/long hours job and pays for it! Same goes for the girlfriend (who sounds a petulant little madam anyway)

Honest to god what a pair!

ChunkySloth · 26/07/2021 01:50

@ScottyandWestie

Thanks, my first thought was flat no, but girlfriend of DSS was making him feel a bit useless that we do t have more cash to give and that he's taken a pay cut. The kids know about the pay cut and my husband has struggled mentally with wrapping some Of his self worth in his pay and so feels crap at the moment now anyway as we have had to make some changes lifestyle wise. I think he just wants DSS to be happy. DSD Is very easy going that's why I do not want a word of it mentioned to her as I think she might say yes.
That cheeky cunt wouldn't be welcome in my house again. Where the fuck does she get off? They wouldn't see a penny off me.
MissCruellaDeVil · 26/07/2021 01:55

I'm not sure how I would be able to reconcile with DSS after he tried to manipulate his own father and sister into giving him 5k, after he had already frittered 5k away!

Bahhhhhumbug · 26/07/2021 02:02

I think like PPs that he won't give up. He'll now start working on DSD. I wouldn't have told her money is available when she wants it if its not her 21st for a few months.,he'll be like a fly round a jam pot at her.

user1481840227 · 26/07/2021 02:06

@ScottyandWestie

It's been a long night emotions running high. Husband has had DSS actions bought into clear sharp focus with regard to laying ground work with DSD. DSS has behaved terribly and told husband they will lose their dream house, girlfriend was crying in the back ground when husband called. I've shown him This thread he's embarrassed and cross I would share the situation but it's misdirected, easier for him to be pissed off at me as I'm In front of him than DSS who is firemen mins drive away. DSD poor thing is upset and wishes she hadn't mentioned photos of the dream house being sent to her. I am sat here in shock that this has happened so quickly tonight from DSS "droppping in" to all the upset we are in now. Husband has told DSS no way he's getting anything and told DSD the money is available To her whenever she wants it but would prefer it not to be leant or given to DSS. What a night I feel like my family has imploded somewhat. I'm speechless and shocked and feel emotionally bruised. Thanks for the comments.
Maybe you should ask mumsnet to delete your initial post or the thread just in case the dailymail decide to pick it up and print it!

It's not a massively exciting thread (no offence to you lol) but I have seen them post threads before that I didn't think they would pick up!!

That would be all you would need if your husband is already upset over the situation!

PandemicAtTheDisco · 26/07/2021 02:46

My oldest brother has much the same attitude. He's always demanded more than his fair share and resents any of his siblings being given anything by our parents.

I remember as a child he would take 2 or 3 chocolate biscuits from a pack of 6 - so the rest of us would have to share even though he knew there was supposed to be one each but we'd get a third or half instead.

He would steal our pocket money to spend instead of spending his own. My parents never properly punished him and have only started to get annoyed with him when as an adult he started stealing off them. I'm so mad they still downplay his poor attitude to us and find it acceptable whilst when they do the same to them it's suddenly different somehow.

I blame my parents for always treating their oldest child as more important than their other children. It's the DSD I feel sorry for.

Hannayeah · 26/07/2021 02:49

They’ve lost their dream house?! How does one go about losing something they never actually had in the first place?

ChittyChittyBangBangChicken · 26/07/2021 03:25

I'd try to create some space and time for everyone to calm down, if your SS will allow it and not keep pestering. But if he does bring it up again, I'd have a plan for exactly what I'd tell him: You're not swimming in spare cash, and it's unfair for SD to miss out on her share, after SS has already had his. I'd speak plainly and wouldn't worry about offending him, as it sounds like he's thick-skinned enough to bear it.

GAHgamel · 26/07/2021 04:46

Seconding putting the money in a LISA, or even just a 2 or 3 year savings bond, and emphasising to DSD that this is not because you don't trust her not to blow the money like DSS did, but to help her resist any attempts by DSS and girlfriend to manipulate her into giving it to them. Hopefully things will calm down in a bit, but if they don't DH needs to remember that the important thing is doing the best he can for his kids within his means, and he doesn't need to live up to whatever the girlfriend's parents can afford to contribute, let alone the unrealistic expectations of DSS and girlfiend. Having an initial wobble when getting the full works from both of them may be understandable, but it's good that he's now standing firm for DSD to get her fair share.

PrincessNutella · 26/07/2021 05:04

You say you saved up the money together? Then speak up. Anyway it is perfectly fair to speak up anyway. The idea that stepson should get anything is ridiculous. Not even worth being conflicted about.

Scottishskifun · 26/07/2021 05:15

I wouldn't worry about what her parents think OP!
They should never have banked on getting money and if they are serious about buying a house then he can move in with her to save more money that's at least £500 a month straight away!

It doesn't sound like they had done any homework at all for instance many mortgage companies only allow for a certain percentage of the deposit to be gifted now! Let alone how they would afford fees, council tax, bills etc etc etc.

The good news is that they wanted a new build and plenty of them are going about at the moment so they can just save up for the next one!

Good on your husband for seeing through it and if it gets raised again just lay it down harshly he is an adult that means paying your own way in life and not behaving like a self entitled brat!

Soubriquet · 26/07/2021 05:29

What a shit show

I feel so sorry for dsd as she is going to get it in the ear from dss about this house until it’s sold or she relents and gives him the money

breakfasty · 26/07/2021 05:58

I am so angry for you OP.
There are very few people who buy their dream house at that age. Most people don't end up living in their dream house. What is wrong with them? They've blown up your family for greed.

TinkerPony · 26/07/2021 06:27

Were they ever approve for mortgage in the first place?Hmm

onelittlefrog · 26/07/2021 06:39

@Thelnebriati

Is you husband actually going to ask his daughter to give away her 21st gift because his son already spent his?
Exactly. When put it like this - in what world is this in any way reasonable?

It's his own fault that he spent the money.

onelittlefrog · 26/07/2021 06:42

@Bahhhhhumbug

I think like PPs that he won't give up. He'll now start working on DSD. I wouldn't have told her money is available when she wants it if its not her 21st for a few months.,he'll be like a fly round a jam pot at her.
Yes. I agree with PP who said that it could be an idea to wrap it up in a savings account for her that she can't touch for a few years - especially if she's said she's not planning on spending it anyway. Talk to her about it and tell her that it's very important to you that she has this money and does not give it to her brother.
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