To ask how to deal with hostile neighbours?

[Walkerby]

Hi all, hoping you wise Mumsnetters might be able to help me with coping strategies!

We’ve lived here for 15 years and always got on well with all our neighbours. Two years ago we built an extension and approached it with every consideration to our neighbours on both sides, inviting them to talk with us about any concerns or changes they might want etc. However the neighbours on one side (an older couple) simply stopped talking to us, fired off a formal objection to the council (their right, of course, but we always made clear we were happy to talk) and have refused to talk to or even look at us or our young children ever since. They were obstructive throughout the process, rude to and shouted at our surveyors and builders, and cost us an unnecessary several thousands of pounds in legal fees having to literally force their legal rights on them as they ignored the legal party wall correspondence (as per the legal process if people ignore it). In contrast, the neighbours on the other side were lovely, talked with us throughout so we could ensure they were happy, and signed the necessary paperwork protecting them without any fuss or cost.

The nastiness from the rude neighbours has been really horrible to live with. They used to take parcels in for us, instead they’ve signed for some and left them out in the rain. We still say hello when we see them as we don’t want to sink to their level but they act like no-one’s even there and completely ignore us. We’re now tense when they’re in their garden and tense when we have to go in and out of our own house in case we see them, it’s just horrible living with the hostility so close to our doorstep. It also upsets the kids as they ignore them too.

We got a dog last summer and if she ever barks in the garden (which isn’t very often at all) the neighbours just bang loudly on the fence which feels rude and intrusive (let alone sets the dog off!). The other day she barked for five seconds and they did it again really loudly so I texted saying sorry if she disturbed them but could they text rather than bang on the fence as that just unsettles her rather than having the desired effect. They replied saying they’ll do anything they can to stop her barking and denied they banged on the fence. I’m now fully expecting a letter being fired off to the council about the dog, even though I’d welcome the council installing noise monitoring as they’d see it’s a vexatious complaint.

Both my husband and I are feeling really upset, threatened and dragged down by it all. I’d love to tell them what I think of them but I know it won’t help and this is a lovely road and currently it’s very clear to our other neighbours how nasty these two are and we haven’t put a foot wrong. I don’t want it descending into ‘six of one and half a dozen of the other’. But I’m finding it really hard to handle this hostility from them right on our doorstep and my feelings about it!

Anyone have some sage advice on how to deal with it??

You haven't done anything wrong, some people just enjoy trying to control others. What should you have done: "oh old couple don't want us to have our extension, we better obey their wishes".

I used to have a bit of an interesting neighbour, he got annoyed about another neighbour complaining about his dog barking, so when they did he started barking too! Maybe you could try that!

@Debetswell

Not sure this will help but my cousin was in a similar position and decided to sell. The neighbours deliberately put off prospective buyers out of spite. They too were an old couple. Finally my cousin said if they continued being awkward he was going to rent the house out to the most undesirable tenants he could find. It was amazing how quickly their behaviour improved.

Absolutely agree with this!!!

You are giving these folk way to much power. Ignore them and get on with your lives. Stop saying hello, ensure you are home to receive your packages get some planters with trellises on top and grow some dense climbers. Explain to your children that sometimes people are petty and mean for no reason. We had this from both sides when we moved in to our house 18 months ago. We are now cordial with one set. The other we do not engage with. It confirmed to us that we needed to work towards a house in the middle of nowhere with NO neighbors.

@Muminabun

I mean this in the nicest possible way. Stop enabling them by being nice simpering doormats. Grow some self esteem and stand up for yourselves. What do you have to lose. Do you want your children to grow up being doormats who apologise all the time when they are bullied.

This. One of my neighbours is like this and we just completely ignore her. Simple. Other neighbors are lovely and we have a good chat.

Face them down op.I appreciate you don't want confrontation but speak to them plainly.put your voice recorder on before you do so to prevent any lies subsequently being told to a third party.Then ask them for a meeting to discuss the hostilities,be firm and polite but not kind or friendly.
If they say no then say that you have points you would like to raise and you can tell them what they are and ask for comments.keep calm.Ask them to talk to you properly.no shouting.once you have had your say,finish with that you would like to move forward on civil terms but if they cannot do that then should there be any further issues you will approach the relevant authority to report all matters as they arise.
If they are willing to talk,be frank,if they give an inch,you give an inch,no more.
They are sounding very immature by banging on the fence then denying it.Hopefully they are cowardly bullies who will back down or they've boxed themselves into a corner and don't know how to move on without losing face.
Unfortunately people see kindness as weakness,stop being kind,thoughtful and friendly for now.
Best of luck.💐🌈

Call out their behaviour, let the dog bark as long as she wants to if they set her off.

I moved to a terrace house when I was about 25, behind it there was a block of council owned sheltered flats. I've never come across a more miserable bunch of old gits in my life (not all of them of course). One morning it all got too much when one of the worst ones came out and started moaning because my dog was sniffing on the grass outside his flat between the road and pavement. I think PMT may have played a part in my subsequent reaction, when I called him a miserable old sod who didn't own the bloody pavement and to piss off and get a life. Long story short, we got on fine after that and a few years later when I'd had my babies, he would always pop out to say hello and ask how I was getting on. In fact all of them were much nicer after I clearly established my boundaries. I've a loud voice, they would all have heard.

People can be very odd.

They're never going to be your friends, but you shouldn't be living in fear of them. You did everything by the book it seems, which thwarted their attempt to stop it by doing nothing. Let them sulk if that's what they want, but don't live in fear of them and be frightened to enjoy your home.

@KarmaStar

But what is to be gained by “having it out with them”? They don’t want to speak to OP, which is absolute their right and is not breaching any laws, so if they refuse to engage with her who exactly is she going to report them too?

I would guess that they are highly unlikely to agree to a meeting or to stand there listening to OP “listing” all the things that she feels they have done wrong . They’ll either walk away or it will provoke an argument, unnecessarily. It will likely inflame the situation, which is highly unlikely to help OP. I would have thought it far more productive for OP to simply ignore them back and work on not letting it upset her.

Besides which, OP knows why they are ignoring her. Her telling them why she think they are awful is highly unlikely to change anything for the better. They aren’t going to suddenly see the error of their ways and become lovely neighbours.

As to the dog barking- unless they are standing at the fence just waiting for the dog it would seem possible that it may be barking for more than 5 seconds. Not that banging the fence is likely to help matters and is unnecessary.

I think op would be far better served by learning to not let their behaviour impact in her. So they don’t speak to her? So what- I doubt she’s missing out on much. They are not (currently) harassing OP or her family. They just aren’t being polite or pleasant.

Well said jacks11

Thanks all 🙏.

@jacks11 they spend most of the day in their garden so yes they can nip to the fence in seconds!

Our dog does bark in the garden occasionally, she’s a dog and dogs bark, but we stop her within seconds and it’s nowhere near nuisance level. Our neighbours on the other side who hear exactly the same as the hostile ones assure us that it’s nowhere near a problem at all.

There are other dogs in the neighbourhood including one that always barks around 11.30 at night, I imagine our neighbours assume they’re all our dog!

@MaMelon I do agree with you, it’s just a shame that our neighbours have chosen hostility when every other neighbour on the street has been understanding and tolerant of building works when it’s been next door to them and at least appreciated when people have tried to do it considerately.

These particular neighbours have stopped talking to others for far lesser reasons than with us so I guess we’re in for the long haul. I think they must know their hostile behaviour is childish as if they’re talking to other neighbours on the street when we’re coming and going they say hello to us but when they’re alone and nobody’s looking they’re hideous.

it’s just a shame that our neighbours have chosen hostility when every other neighbour on the street has been understanding and tolerant of building works when it’s been next door to them and at least appreciated when people have tried to do it considerately

Yes, it’s a shame and it would be nice if they’d just accepted your extension, but as I said upthread, negative reactions are always a risk when you (as in the generic you) move ahead with building work when your NDN objects.

Ultimately, they’re not really being hostile - they’re just ignoring you and not helping with parcels. That’s fine - we ignore one set of neighbours opposite us, they ignore us, neither of us takes in parcels for each other, and the lack of contact suits us both fine.

The fence banging is stupid and very annoying, all you can do is remind them firmly that it will simply escalate the barking and to please stop doing it.

OP,

Sounds awful but I think you have little of yourselves by continuing to beseech them to be reasonable.

Completely ignore them.

Get cameras up back and front of the house.

A few years ago a friend of mine had something a bit similar, very difficult neighbours on one side complaining if their children were out in the garden.

I was there one day when they knocked giving out and can attest to the fact that it was really normal noise, just two toddlers happily playing with a sand pit.

It was getting her down so her SIL suggested a house swap for a week and brought her loud 4 children with her.

She warned her lovely neighbours on the other side to brace themselves.

They were aware of the neighbours but were out all day and said crack on.

The neighbours were in within 5 minutes and her SIL closed the door in their face.

They also called the police who were invited in and just saw 4 children playing ball in the garden.

Her children gave it full really wellie for the week in the garden, including the pool being up.

When she returned things were different.
She reckons they were utterly traumatised by the noise of what could be.

Relations never improved but they stopped their complaining which was all she cared about.

She now has a lovely family next door.

@billy1966 I LOVE that! :-)

Sometimes you can get revenge on a CF neighbour not be doing something but rather by NOT doing it!

My neighbours use a lot of oil in their cooking and oil and grease can go solid when cold and block the drains. There are also families upstream with young children so presumably using other things which are known to cause blockages (disposable nappies/wet wipes/sanitary wear). I dont use any of these latter items nor do I cook often. On several occasions my neighbours have sent round plumbers (because of a blockage in their system) and the plumber wanted to come in and investigate mine. I explained that its not my policy to allow random strangers into my home without a male relative present. I invited them to write in on their headed paper to apply for an appointment. NDN complained she would have to pay for a second visit. Sorry, thats your problem. There was nothing wrong with my drains on any of these occasions.

Today a company with 3 men in high vis jackets and two vans were jet-washing NDNs drains. They knocked on my door and I saw them on the cctv but did not answer. My garden gate was locked. Just sat there watching their antics on my computer. NDN was asking them to climb over the fence and lift up the manhole cover in my garden but head workman refused. "Sorry mate, not allowed. There are cameras and its trespass."

I would like to guess that this little lot cost my CF neighbours ££££.