To ask how to deal with hostile neighbours?

[Walkerby]

Hi all, hoping you wise Mumsnetters might be able to help me with coping strategies!

We’ve lived here for 15 years and always got on well with all our neighbours. Two years ago we built an extension and approached it with every consideration to our neighbours on both sides, inviting them to talk with us about any concerns or changes they might want etc. However the neighbours on one side (an older couple) simply stopped talking to us, fired off a formal objection to the council (their right, of course, but we always made clear we were happy to talk) and have refused to talk to or even look at us or our young children ever since. They were obstructive throughout the process, rude to and shouted at our surveyors and builders, and cost us an unnecessary several thousands of pounds in legal fees having to literally force their legal rights on them as they ignored the legal party wall correspondence (as per the legal process if people ignore it). In contrast, the neighbours on the other side were lovely, talked with us throughout so we could ensure they were happy, and signed the necessary paperwork protecting them without any fuss or cost.

The nastiness from the rude neighbours has been really horrible to live with. They used to take parcels in for us, instead they’ve signed for some and left them out in the rain. We still say hello when we see them as we don’t want to sink to their level but they act like no-one’s even there and completely ignore us. We’re now tense when they’re in their garden and tense when we have to go in and out of our own house in case we see them, it’s just horrible living with the hostility so close to our doorstep. It also upsets the kids as they ignore them too.

We got a dog last summer and if she ever barks in the garden (which isn’t very often at all) the neighbours just bang loudly on the fence which feels rude and intrusive (let alone sets the dog off!). The other day she barked for five seconds and they did it again really loudly so I texted saying sorry if she disturbed them but could they text rather than bang on the fence as that just unsettles her rather than having the desired effect. They replied saying they’ll do anything they can to stop her barking and denied they banged on the fence. I’m now fully expecting a letter being fired off to the council about the dog, even though I’d welcome the council installing noise monitoring as they’d see it’s a vexatious complaint.

Both my husband and I are feeling really upset, threatened and dragged down by it all. I’d love to tell them what I think of them but I know it won’t help and this is a lovely road and currently it’s very clear to our other neighbours how nasty these two are and we haven’t put a foot wrong. I don’t want it descending into ‘six of one and half a dozen of the other’. But I’m finding it really hard to handle this hostility from them right on our doorstep and my feelings about it!

Anyone have some sage advice on how to deal with it??

Op buy out the entire stock of wind chimes in The Range....
And never look their way again.

I agree with ignoring them, except for the banging on the fence, which needs to stop, so either bang back or shout at them to stop. Also, delete their number. I’m surprised so many people on MN seem to have their neighbours numbers even if they don’t particularly get on.

They’re old, this is clearly giving them a lot to discuss (I bet they tell all of their family, people at the supermarket, etc). Let them get on with it and enjoy the fact that your mere existence annoys them. When they bang on the fence and set the dog off then let the dog carry on barking. Dogs bark. If they’re going to set it off they can live with the consequences.

@30degreesandmeltinghere had the best answer, that's totally something I would do!

@Debetswell

Not sure this will help but my cousin was in a similar position and decided to sell. The neighbours deliberately put off prospective buyers out of spite. They too were an old couple. Finally my cousin said if they continued being awkward he was going to rent the house out to the most undesirable tenants he could find. It was amazing how quickly their behaviour improved.

I think this is genius.

@Muminabun

I mean this in the nicest possible way. Stop enabling them by being nice simpering doormats. Grow some self esteem and stand up for yourselves. What do you have to lose. Do you want your children to grow up being doormats who apologise all the time when they are bullied.

Genuine question @Muminabun but what would you do to stand up for yourself? Go round there and tell them to pack it in?

I'm a total pushover and worry about it rubbing off on my son. But when I read things like stick up for yourself, I always genuinely wonder what that actually means doing in real life!

Disengage.

Stop being polite amd develop a zero fucks given attitude.

Specifically instruct packages to be redelivered rather than left with neighbours or instruct to leave with nice neighbours only.

Use your garden, sit out with wine, laugh and chat.

Fuck 'em.

And if they are banging on your fence write a note that looks like it's from a solicitor advising them to stop banging the fence and if damage is sustained you will take them to small claims.
I'd start filiming them when they are doing it and also go out and obviously take loads of photos of the fencing. I'd also set up some discrete garden cctv so you have evidence of them doing it.

I would NEVER say hello or good morning to them again.

How big is your extension?! Did you push the planning boundaries to the limit?

Ultimately there’s not much you can do. They’re pissed off with you for whatever reason and unless you’re planning to remove your extension they’re not going to like you again. When people extend and neighbours object to the extent yours did then unfortunately this is often the end result. Banging on the fence is not acceptable though, and I would be having a word with them about that.

We told our arsehole neighbours that any complaints they made would have to be disclosed when they sold abs they were devaluing their home. That shut the spiteful cunts up.

Just ignore them and carry on living your life. They are not dangerous, just unfriendly. I'd say be glad the rest of the neighbours are on your side.

Stop considering them. Stop apologising for the dog barking, let them bang on the fence. Stop saying hello to them. Bang on the fence back when they do it. Leave a note on your door asking for any parcels not to be left with the neighbours at No X as they have deliberately damaged parcels in the past.

They seem to have made you the focus of their lives. It happens. Don't ever think you can reason with people who turn out like this. They will act upset over anything and everything. Just live your life. They have chosen to be miserable, to carry a grudge over something you are perfectly entitled to do. Enjoy your home, stop thinking about them.

Sell up or ignore. I’d be wary of things worsening as neighbour issues would need to be declared. Can you have cctv up.

Ignore completely from now on you're no longer good neighbors . We have a few oddballs who have stirred up others in our cul de sac we have refused to get involved

Stop saying help, stop being polite, put ‘do not ask #17 to sign’ on online orders.

Can you explain why they cost you thousands in party wall stuff? Did you pay thousands unnecessarily to be nice?

Stop saying hello

My old neighbours were like this. It's horrendous op and I really feel for you. We moved and I feel like there's a weight off my shoulders. Every single.time we'd use the garden they would shout something over the fence. They constantly moaned about my kids and were calling them stupid because they were on a trampoline in the middle of a pandemic and they may break their leg and have to go to hospital. They banged the wall constantly. I hated it. They loaned everytime we had work done and I think it was down to jealously.
The new people who bought the house have completely gutted it much to their annoyance ha ha!

You want sage advice OP? There's nothing you can do to endear ourselves to your NDN now. You built an extension they formally objected to and it was pushed through and went legal route

You just need to deal with consequences of the impact of that. If they bang on fence to upset your dog when a/he barks, just drop a note through (keep a copy) that says
"Please don't bang on our fence it upsets the dog and makes her bark"

And deal with each thing calmly and reasonably every time. Calm out their behaviour if they cause issues . You are in for a long ride of hostility as they jo longer like you. That's what going legal causes unfortunately. I get you tried but you couldn't force them to discuss with you they had their opportunity & chose not to take it. They are angry they lost and you won.

Don't lose sleep over it, ignore and deal with what you can or need to when it arises

Call out their behaviour not calm out!

God, they sound like our downstairs neighbour. We bought our maisonette as we are perfectly entitled to and live a normal family life. With two young children this is at times noisy, but both are amazingly good sleepers. We bought our house from a single man who was selling because he had moved in with his gf at the start of the pandemic. Neighbour has now realised that there is next to no soundproofing and has decided that the fact that our day to day living sounds bother her is our fault and we are therefore responsible for resolving the issue. She has taken to slamming the doors when our toddler has a tantrum. We went and spoke to her a few months ago and it transpired that she has zero interest in being reasonable or polite or finding a solution. All she wants to do is moan and for other people to solve her issues, no regard whatsoever for the fact that the law is on our side and her door slamming is actually grounds for a noise complaint from us. We had some workmen in and she moaned at them that she didn't understand why a young family would buy an upstairs flat. Outwardly she seems perfectly polite and respectable but she truly is a miserable, self-centred bitch. It affects me more than it should, especially as I have been at home a lot due to the combination of mat leave and pandemic restrictions. The only thing that helps me is to keep reminding myself that she is in the wrong and we are not doing anything we shouldn't do. Some people just aren't reasonable, and it's very difficult to comprehend or deal with them if you are. Don't try to get them to change: they're not reasonable, so your actions will not have the logically expected outcomes. Keep a meticulous log of their antisocial behaviour and stop contacting them. Don't ask them to stop banging on the fence and definitely do not apologise!!! I sympathise, it's shit to be ignored and feel like you're being punished without having done anything. I struggle too. We too have decided to keep the moral high ground, but sometimes it's fun to think of petty retorts and micro aggressions. My current favourite is fantasising about painting our garden wall (the first thing she sees when she opens the front door) bright pink if she pisses me off yet again

OP (and going by the replies some PP too), please remember that just because someone else is annoyed with what you've done, that doesn't mean that you have actually done anything wrong....

You built an extension in spite of their objections. You also have a barking dog. You don't exactly sound like ideal neighbours yourselves.

@Viviennemary

You built an extension in spite of their objections. You also have a barking dog. You don't exactly sound like ideal neighbours yourselves.

Don't be ridiculous. OP followed correct procedure for building an extension. The neighbours objected, but planning permission was still granted. The neighbours are sore losers. OP has a dog, which barks occasionally. This too can't be considered antisocial.

My CF neighbours have:-

Stolen and attempted to steal mail
Sent work people to trespass on my property
Dumped rubbish on my garden
Used industrial machinery in my garden

For several of these incidents I have video evidence. For the rubbish dumping incident I printed the thumbnails on one side of a paper and on the back was a note giving them 24 hours to clear it up before the police were informed. CF neighbour cleared it up at 6.15 next day. However one bag had burst and there were still bits all over my grass.

A few days later my nephew and big mate called round and forced neighbour to pick up every last bit, then come to the side gate and apologise to me. Big mate photographed him while he did so. Nephew said "If you do anything to annoy my aunt again or even look at her funny we will be back. Next time we wont be so friendly."

Scared them shitless. Since then they have kept their heads down and their mouths shut.

OP you seem lovely but this is one of those situations where you’ll look back and think, ‘why did we give this so much head space and let it bother us’.

Say something happened to a close family member, that would put this in to perspective.

They don’t matter. There’s no point in trying to be friendly. They clearly want to be moody old bastards and add determined to make you feel shit. They are succeeding.

It’s their problem not yours. I would just simply act as if they aren’t there and completely ignore them. I actually think you’ll start feeling better because they won’t be able to make you feel shit constantly by ignoring you.

They don’t matter. Pretend they don’t exist. When the dog barks don’t shout through ‘oh sorry oh sorry’

Honestly they aren’t worth your time. Life’s too short

Ignore them. Stop saying hello, it probably cones across as passive aggressive