To ask how to deal with hostile neighbours?

[Walkerby]

Hi all, hoping you wise Mumsnetters might be able to help me with coping strategies!

We’ve lived here for 15 years and always got on well with all our neighbours. Two years ago we built an extension and approached it with every consideration to our neighbours on both sides, inviting them to talk with us about any concerns or changes they might want etc. However the neighbours on one side (an older couple) simply stopped talking to us, fired off a formal objection to the council (their right, of course, but we always made clear we were happy to talk) and have refused to talk to or even look at us or our young children ever since. They were obstructive throughout the process, rude to and shouted at our surveyors and builders, and cost us an unnecessary several thousands of pounds in legal fees having to literally force their legal rights on them as they ignored the legal party wall correspondence (as per the legal process if people ignore it). In contrast, the neighbours on the other side were lovely, talked with us throughout so we could ensure they were happy, and signed the necessary paperwork protecting them without any fuss or cost.

The nastiness from the rude neighbours has been really horrible to live with. They used to take parcels in for us, instead they’ve signed for some and left them out in the rain. We still say hello when we see them as we don’t want to sink to their level but they act like no-one’s even there and completely ignore us. We’re now tense when they’re in their garden and tense when we have to go in and out of our own house in case we see them, it’s just horrible living with the hostility so close to our doorstep. It also upsets the kids as they ignore them too.

We got a dog last summer and if she ever barks in the garden (which isn’t very often at all) the neighbours just bang loudly on the fence which feels rude and intrusive (let alone sets the dog off!). The other day she barked for five seconds and they did it again really loudly so I texted saying sorry if she disturbed them but could they text rather than bang on the fence as that just unsettles her rather than having the desired effect. They replied saying they’ll do anything they can to stop her barking and denied they banged on the fence. I’m now fully expecting a letter being fired off to the council about the dog, even though I’d welcome the council installing noise monitoring as they’d see it’s a vexatious complaint.

Both my husband and I are feeling really upset, threatened and dragged down by it all. I’d love to tell them what I think of them but I know it won’t help and this is a lovely road and currently it’s very clear to our other neighbours how nasty these two are and we haven’t put a foot wrong. I don’t want it descending into ‘six of one and half a dozen of the other’. But I’m finding it really hard to handle this hostility from them right on our doorstep and my feelings about it!

Anyone have some sage advice on how to deal with it??

Yes, I agree with you that ignoring as much as possible is your best bet.

As for the stuff you can't ignore. Put a parcel box next to you door for deliveries. You can even get one with a diagonal mirror, so it looks like a table to onlookers. You can use a doorbel camera to communicate with delivery people.
Put a bucket of water next to the fence. Next time they bang on the fence throw it over, preferably onto their heads.
Tell your children they are free to ignore the neighbor and do not need to be polite to them.
Camera's (even if only dummy ones) around your house.

@Marchitectmummy thanks we’ve tried that many times, they’ve literally shut the door on us or ignored us. After their nasty text last week I replied saying we never wanted hostility with them and have always tried to be open and communicate but that’s very difficult when they refuse to speak to us, wouldn’t it be better to sit down and air this out? Naturally no response, tbh I think they just prefer the conflict, we’re not the first neighbours on the street to have this treatment from them.

I probably wouldn't have got a dog if you were having disputes with your next door neighbours. Most dogs bark, and your neighbours will use that and will continue to complain, if not to you, but other agencies. Such a shame that they can't get on with you. How old are the neighbours ? Did they fully understand at the time about the party wall ? They might not have actually realised what you were doing ? (especially if they are elderly)

What you have to think Walkerby... I bet your NDNs have you and your family in their heads all the time, they probably have too much time on their hands.
For you... you should empty your head of any thoughts about them, just imagine they don't exist, carry on living your life with your family like they are non existent.
You sound like a very reasonable neighbour, and they really don't! They sound petty and pathetic.

Our NDNs had a massive extension built (more than doubled the size of the house) and it went on for over a year... the noise was horrendous. That's life and can't be helped and apart from shouting 'shut up' out the window at the builders at 7.30am one morning when they started the excavator up... I just lived with it, hard though it was.

we’re not the first neighbours on the street to have this treatment from them

This is key.
They're idiots.

I'm not sure you would welcome the noise complaint. We had one we knew wouldn't be upheld. Sadly it made it no less stressful. When it moved from diary to recording we were shocked, we knew it had to have been falsified. Even when the recording proved that, no action was taking for falsifying a complaint.

The only 2 options are ignore or sell.

Fuck holding out olive branches.

Does your extension reduce their light or privacy or has it had a negative impact visually on their garden in any way? If so I can see why they’d be disappointed about it - our homes are our sanctuaries after all. It certainly doesn’t justify their subsequent behaviour, but I can see why they’d be upset if they feel it has led to any of the above. As others have said though, you’ve done nothing wrong and have tried to be as accommodating as possible, so at this point I would just ignore.

Can't say I blame them. You describe all to paint you in a good light but the fact of the matter is you built an extension that they objected to and bought a noisy dog. Why should they like you?

Maybe the extension is impacting on them. Less light, privacy reduced etc. Have you thought about that?

Stop trying to engage with them by saying hello, there's little point and all it does is serve to let them know you're bothered by them ignoring you. Make sure all parcel delivery companies know NOT to go there if you're not in (you can flag up addresses to avoid their websites). Just get on with your living as you want to and use what's happened to explain to your children that sometimes people will take against you and it's no reflection on you, it's the other person's issue. Which it is.

If you don't like building works or people having a dog, I suggest you avoid living on a street with other houses.

There are still places in the UK which have plenty of space away from other humans and the property is cheap.

It’s shit when neighbours can’t just be civil.

It may well be you did all the right things but your extension presumably doesn’t suit them.

It’s one of those situations where they would need to accept the circumstances. The are not going to.

It’s really hard to put up with I have lots of experience of this as my father fell out with every neighbour we ever had and I never had a good neighbour experience till I left home!

If you want to try to improve relations you could or if you wanted to move that would be perfectly understandable.

I have to say though that if they are anything like my father it will be hard to get them to listen.

Sorry

Anyone have some sage advice on how to deal with it??

Attack, you’re constantly defensive and so turn the tables on these bullies, as they are now bullying you.

Put in a complaint to the council about the constant banging on the fence

@thetaleunfolds

They sound just like my NDNs. Just ignore them and live your life.

This

Thanks again all, it really helps to hear your thoughts and the moral support is so appreciated.

@Mrgrinch sorry to say these are the facts, not trying to paint myself in a good light. Maybe we have indeed been too good if you think we’re exaggerating! Yes we built an extension and yes we know that’s not ideal for our neighbours but it is one of those things in a family street, if they built one we’d suck it up and hope for them to be as reasonable and considerate to us as we were to them. Our dog isn’t barky but I do accept that to them she probably is as in their current state of mind anything we do has the volume turned right up in their eyes/ears as they’re in a constant state of ‘crackerjack!’ as far as we’re concerned.

@clairethewitch70 yes we considered all of it, the planning dept considered there to be no loss of light and the irony is they now have far more privacy than they did before! We could see into their kitchen, garden and drive before the extension, now we see nothing and have opaque glass above-head-height windows to their side just for light. And as they now open their kitchen blinds rather than having them closed for privacy all the time they have even more light!

Ps we also moved out so all the work was done quickly in three months

A metre of their boundary. Thst's really close. No wonder they weren't happy.

And you moved out. But they had to live with it. Unbelievable!

No experience of this personally but I have dealt with similar issues through work.

My suggestion would be to enlist a mediation service - not through the courts, you can usually find your local mediation service online. They can offer shuttle mediation where the mediator meets with you both separately to ascertain the issues on both sides before eventually all sitting down in a room together. Sounds like something like this might take the sting out of their tails somewhat...

@TheGumption I'm sure it's not ideal to have a young family living upstairs. However, we are not doing anything wrong and are most definitely not making unreasonable noise. If you can't handle other people's normal living sounds then you have two options: a) soundproof or b) move. Insulting your neighbour's children and slamming doors when they cry is not acceptable. I'm really not sure what bit you think I'm joking about? Other than painting the fence pink, which I am obviously not going to do🤦🏼‍♀️

@Viviennemary 🙄 you’re right, we should have stayed there so the builders had to work around us and the work and noise took twice as long. The boundary is 3m away from the side of their house and our extension is 3.5m away. That’s not really close. Others on the road are built right into the adjoining wall, we chose not to do that.

It’s ok for people not to like you, it’s ok for you to not like people too, it’s normal.

Just take a deep breath and ignore it like they ignore you, stop texting and pandering to them when the dog barks and they bang on the fence, just literally ignore them.

@Walkerby I'd ignore @Viviennemary, she seems determined that you're an awful neighbour.