The concept of a break - single parent vs together

[afriusaenghather]

I’m a single parent, other parent lives very far away. So during term time, he has/sees the children for 4 nights per month.

I am responsible for every school drop off, pick up, all boring school and PTA/WhatsApp communication, all ferrying to and from clubs, all clothing, clubs, finances etc . I work full time. I do not have a partner, my ex does not get involved in any admin, or even payment of supporting their lives.

I however get 4 nights per month child free. I also get approx 4-5 weeks per year child free, where the children stay with him in the holidays.

Who do you think has it easier or harder? No trick question, I want to see what people really think here. Eg

1. A single parent in my situation (4 nights per month ‘off’ plus 4-5 weeks per annum with no children)
2. A parent couple, who align to 50:50 responsibilities and benefit from shared care 24/7

Thank you

Please someone feedback 🤔

I'm pretty much in your position. If anyone suggested that coupled parents have it harder, I don't think I'd be held responsible for my actions.

Who's said this?

Option 2 has it easier. The mental load of day to day looking after kids is huge. All the micro-decisions (as well as the fairly large ones) are hard to quantify. A genuine partnership where both people have equal responsibility and rights, where each partner is considerate of the needs and desires of the other, makes the whole parenting malarkey much more of a pleasure.

However, the amount of threads I see on here and women I hear having to tie themselves into knots to get a night out or time for a jog by themselves often makes me think how much easier they would have it with some kind of shared custody.

By the way, if you are doing it on your own, then more power to you! Don’t let anyone make you feel guilty for your own time when you finally have some.

If the couple are both hands on and do their share than absolutely you.

If one of the couple is a dick then possibly them. And the only reason I say that is because as shit and tough as it was with two 6 month olds life actually got easier when I split up with my ex because he made things harder and just disrupted things. So one of them could have it harder if the situation they are in is shit, but only in that

If it's a properly equal situation then they absolutely don't.

Why? Surely also depends if co parent well. If ex is an idiot etc

I’m a coupled parent. It feels awkward saying it but it seems to me i have it way easier than a single parent. Even though my DH works a lot and travels it is still easier to share the responsibility. I don’t get 4-5 weeks off a year but I do get some time to myself on weekends when I need it, as does my DH.

generally I would say that you have it harder - obviously!

if the couple have much younger children or children with complex needs then thay might change things. Or if they have zero other day to day support (e.g grandparents, aunts, uncles)and it turns out you have a lot more - though it doesn't sound from your OP that that's the case

Not all single parents get time off, I haven’t had a break in 5 years, I’m not sure I can answer the question though as many many single parents claim they find it easier now as a single parent than when they were in a relationship and that comes from single parents themselves.

I wouldn’t really want to be apart from my children for 5 weeks a year.

Assuming a healthy relationship, definitely the couple have it easiest! One of my best friends basically has the same arrangement with her ex, she needs the break as it's pretty relentless caring for the children/house/work with zero support.

@PumpkinKlNG

Not all single parents get time off, I haven’t had a break in 5 years, I’m not sure I can answer the question though as many many single parents claim they find it easier now as a single parent than when they were in a relationship and that comes from single parents themselves.

I think because it’s easier just to go about your life according to your own rhythm when you don’t have to consider another adult.

There are pros to both situations but overall it's probably easier if there's two of you as it's a shared mental load.
Having 4 to 5 weeks off isn't much when you do everything else for 47 to 48 weeks.

I share the mental load with my OH and miss his support when he’s away

But I would love 4-5 weeks a year without my kids 😱

I'm a single parent and find it easier now than as a couple. BUT I get two nights 'off' a week and a very involved co-parent.

You absolutely have it worse than a couple because when you're on, you are so so on with no help turning up at 6pm or a call away.

But a couple with an uninterested parent and one side having to carry them AND the kids. I'd pick your situation.

For me I can’t say it’s easier doing everything alone but most single parents seem to say it’s easier being a single parent.

Why do you need to compare? What does it matter?

I saw a statistic once that said the happiest parents were those who are separated but co parent well. I assume because they get a break more often and time to pursue other interests, holiday with friends, etc.

I think for 90% of cases option 1 has it harder, but it could very much depend on the kids. And let’s face it, hardly any couple has true 50-50 responsibility for everything.

I always think the financial load must be very difficult for many single parents.

@BillyRaywasapreachersson

Why do you need to compare? What does it matter?

Agree. There are so many variables too. From single parents who don't need/want a break, to couples who feel they do. There are dc who are easy and those that are extremely challenging. There are single parents with great support networks and couples with none. There are just too many different circumstances competitive comparison of who has it worse achieves nothing.

Situations are not comparable.

Married with abusive partner = shit
Separated with responsible and amicable ex partner= good
Separated with no ex partner doing anything but family support = ok
Separated with useless volatile ex and no family support and therefore 100 % mental load plus earning the money and doing everything with possibly 2-4 nights 'off' but worrying about child because ex is a dick = shit

@Mumteedum

Situations are not comparable.

Married with abusive partner = shit
Separated with responsible and amicable ex partner= good
Separated with no ex partner doing anything but family support = ok
Separated with useless volatile ex and no family support and therefore 100 % mental load plus earning the money and doing everything with possibly 2-4 nights 'off' but worrying about child because ex is a dick = shit

Very wise words. I have learned this in twelve years of parenting. There are so many variables in family set up that it’s very difficult to compare.

Didn't realise it was a competition but having a dead other parent probably wins.

Such an odd question.

How many DC?
How old are the D.C.?
How much do you earn?
What are your work hours?
Do you have a support network?
What is your DC like? Easy or difficult?
Where do you live?

It’s such a petty question. Why do you need to win this argument?

@chunderwunder