The concept of a break - single parent vs together

[afriusaenghather]

I’m a single parent, other parent lives very far away. So during term time, he has/sees the children for 4 nights per month.

I am responsible for every school drop off, pick up, all boring school and PTA/WhatsApp communication, all ferrying to and from clubs, all clothing, clubs, finances etc . I work full time. I do not have a partner, my ex does not get involved in any admin, or even payment of supporting their lives.

I however get 4 nights per month child free. I also get approx 4-5 weeks per year child free, where the children stay with him in the holidays.

Who do you think has it easier or harder? No trick question, I want to see what people really think here. Eg

1. A single parent in my situation (4 nights per month ‘off’ plus 4-5 weeks per annum with no children)
2. A parent couple, who align to 50:50 responsibilities and benefit from shared care 24/7

Thank you

Aww @afriusaenghather. You've not offended me and I'm not trying to make you feel bad. Suffering's relative and everyone is entitled to struggle with their own situation without it being minimised simply because someone else's might be worse.

What has struck me though since my husband died five years ago is how overlooked widows and widowers with young children are. We just don't ever get mentioned. I know it's not going to be as common as being separated but surely it's not that rare?? It just feels tiring sometimes to remind people we exist and our circumstances don't fit the norm. I've lost count of people asking me why I don't claim maintenance for example...

100% single parent has it harder.

I am part of a couple, he works long hours full time I work long hours but part time. I would not have this option if I was single, I would have to work full time and do everything at home and pay for childcare! It annoys me when people comment that I am solo parenting with my OH's long hours, he's often not home until very late, so yes I am with the kids all day alone and then do dinner alone an bedtime etc but that's not single parenting that's co parenting! He does the same when we work.

There's a reason they say it takes a village to raise a child, it's emotionally, mentally and physically hard work and everyone needs a break from it. As a single parent that break comes less frequently, if at all, and there's often no one to just take over when you are at the end of your rope.

@chunderwunder

Aww *@afriusaenghather*. You've not offended me and I'm not trying to make you feel bad. Suffering's relative and everyone is entitled to struggle with their own situation without it being minimised simply because someone else's might be worse.

What has struck me though since my husband died five years ago is how overlooked widows and widowers with young children are. We just don't ever get mentioned. I know it's not going to be as common as being separated but surely it's not that rare?? It just feels tiring sometimes to remind people we exist and our circumstances don't fit the norm. I've lost count of people asking me why I don't claim maintenance for example...

I didn’t factor widows, I’m sorry. You’re a single parent, grieving and alienated all in one. That’s really shit.

You must feel angry when you see people moan about crap that doesn’t really matter. Are your children coping ok? Have you got support? X

@tunnocksreturns2019
I hope you and your children are doing ok. Im not a widow and it is not something I’ve comparatively experienced, but my moany arse post for sure isn’t warranted, and brings it home x x

@chunderwunder

Aww *@afriusaenghather*. You've not offended me and I'm not trying to make you feel bad. Suffering's relative and everyone is entitled to struggle with their own situation without it being minimised simply because someone else's might be worse.

What has struck me though since my husband died five years ago is how overlooked widows and widowers with young children are. We just don't ever get mentioned. I know it's not going to be as common as being separated but surely it's not that rare?? It just feels tiring sometimes to remind people we exist and our circumstances don't fit the norm. I've lost count of people asking me why I don't claim maintenance for example...

I dabbled with the Frolo app for a bit and I noticed it there. It was very much a place for people who are separated and I felt widows and widowers were a bit of an after thought, not just by the people behind it, but by most of the people contributing too.

My cousin was widowed and found it very isolating. She found a support group for windowed single parents and eventually remarried someone she met via this group. For her I think that they had both gone through similar experiences helped them enormously.

I imagine becoming a single parent as a spouse/ partner has died is so vastly different from someone who has separated/ divorced. When one parent is no longer around, it takes on a different level of support needed for the children as well as the widow.

It’s not a competition, I just feel like I may have missed something, as I feel like I do have it a bit harder, that’s all

"It's not at competition, except it is and I win"

The single parent in your situation has it harder.

I'm a single parent to 2, ex h and I share custody so that he has them alternating 2 or 3 nights a week depending on the week. Only the nights, he only has them for a full day 1 day every 2 weeks. No full weeks or more days during holidays. This gives me a break for those evenings a week which is helpful in having a mental break but it's from 5pm- 9am in the morning so not a whole load of time, which is fine as I'd rather have them with me. One child is at school one hasn't started school yet.
But ex h take zero responsibility for anything else, no admin school or other wise, rarely washes any clothes, no clubs no appointments, won't know when school events or holidays are, parties, friends visits, literally nothing, often I've even sorted packed lunch for ds for following day because he hasn't been organised to get in the right food for him (not through lack of funds or anything, it's laziness, he's wealthy and runs a v successful business). I find the mental load sometimes extremely hard!

@Qwerty789

It’s not a competition, I just feel like I may have missed something, as I feel like I do have it a bit harder, that’s all

"It's not at competition, except it is and I win"

This post stemmed from a comment made to me by a neighbour and fellow school parent, so it wasn’t trying to be competitive I assure you. I just felt that their comments were a bit flippant, and didn’t understand that 90% of the year I don’t enjoy the possible freedoms that come with partnership parenting in a family unit, though I do get to enjoy exclusive time off parenting that non split parents might not experience. My ex husband lives in Wales - some 3hr drive away from me, so that’s tricky also. There is no last minute support, mid week contact etc. It’s also hard on our children to travel so much.

This doesn’t account for those in situations where their other half is not around due to a ‘big job’ or other potential reasons like not partaking equally in parental duties, nor does it account for lone parents or those widowed. My neighbour has a very supportive husband who actively takes part in school runs, activities, child admin etc. So that was the comparison.

Not trying to compete! Just reaching out to find out if my feelings were validated by others who’ve done both or one or the other.

@marmaladehound

My cousin was widowed and found it very isolating. She found a support group for windowed single parents and eventually remarried someone she met via this group. For her I think that they had both gone through similar experiences helped them enormously.

I imagine becoming a single parent as a spouse/ partner has died is so vastly different from someone who has separated/ divorced. When one parent is no longer around, it takes on a different level of support needed for the children as well as the widow.

Yes I agree with you. I feel for your cousin abs those on here widowed.

There’s a whole other level of emotional support required for the children and yourself, and a lack of practical and financial support that a split parent may have.

I would hope the community, friends, extended family would rally. I know of someone who’s providing that to her friends children right now.

Someone always has it worse. Best to count your blessings

I think that your neighbour just got a bit jealous of the ‘blocked’ child free time, that’s all. Most people find it very difficult to look at the big picture, and in that moment she was looking at the immediate advantage of having a child free break rather than the wider context of single parenting during the vast majority of the year.
I wouldn’t give it much more thought. She had a moment of envy, probably expressed it badly and might not be the brightest lightbulb in the box if she can’t see that a solo/default parent sorely needs a couple of weeks in the summer to recharge properly.

Your situation is sounds hard, as do a lot of other people's. I think it depends on the individuals involved. I can see how a ex who isn't aligned as a co-parent could be could destroying.

I'm also a widow and it definitely gets overlooked. Or viewed as an improvement on some situations! Particularly after an acrimonious divorce. I had someone say they wished their ex was dead so they'd get the life insurance.... this was after a few drinks, but still....

@likeafishneedsabike

I think that your neighbour just got a bit jealous of the ‘blocked’ child free time, that’s all. Most people find it very difficult to look at the big picture, and in that moment she was looking at the immediate advantage of having a child free break rather than the wider context of single parenting during the vast majority of the year. I wouldn’t give it much more thought. She had a moment of envy, probably expressed it badly and might not be the brightest lightbulb in the box if she can’t see that a solo/default parent sorely needs a couple of weeks in the summer to recharge properly.

I imagine a week of the holidays and the recurrent homeschooling this year makes anyone jealous to have a proper break frankly!!

@Candleabra

Your situation is sounds hard, as do a lot of other people's. I think it depends on the individuals involved. I can see how a ex who isn't aligned as a co-parent could be could destroying.

I'm also a widow and it definitely gets overlooked. Or viewed as an improvement on some situations! Particularly after an acrimonious divorce. I had someone say they wished their ex was dead so they'd get the life insurance.... this was after a few drinks, but still....

I’m really sorry, there’s no frustration or annoyance you can cure in your situation. Hard for you, and your children. Those lubricated comments, must smart a bit for you ☹️

@JustLyra

If the couple are both hands on and do their share than absolutely you.

If one of the couple is a dick then possibly them. And the only reason I say that is because as shit and tough as it was with two 6 month olds life actually got easier when I split up with my ex because he made things harder and just disrupted things. So one of them could have it harder if the situation they are in is shit, but only in that

If it's a properly equal situation then they absolutely don't.

Very true.

I mean, when it comes to booking a holiday for example, I find it easier to do everything myself than deal with the compromising/agreeing/checking, and that's with an emotionally stable, non abusive partner.

50:50 anything can be a millstone with the wrong person.

With separated parents, at least a few of them are glad to be rid of the ex.

I think it is probably harder when the ex has an affair and left, but still the possibility of maintenance and support

Harder again when a much loved partner dies as there is no relief you have got rid of an arse and no possibility of co parenting or ongoing financial support. Absolutely everything is down to you.

It is easier being single than living with ex. He did not have them unsupervised (by me) for 7 years but now they are older has them more. He does pay for them though.

I have had... But I am like a single parent when do is away...

From someone whose parents are on hand to help out.