The concept of a break - single parent vs together

[afriusaenghather]

I’m a single parent, other parent lives very far away. So during term time, he has/sees the children for 4 nights per month.

I am responsible for every school drop off, pick up, all boring school and PTA/WhatsApp communication, all ferrying to and from clubs, all clothing, clubs, finances etc . I work full time. I do not have a partner, my ex does not get involved in any admin, or even payment of supporting their lives.

I however get 4 nights per month child free. I also get approx 4-5 weeks per year child free, where the children stay with him in the holidays.

Who do you think has it easier or harder? No trick question, I want to see what people really think here. Eg

1. A single parent in my situation (4 nights per month ‘off’ plus 4-5 weeks per annum with no children)
2. A parent couple, who align to 50:50 responsibilities and benefit from shared care 24/7

Thank you

@lollipoprainbow

I'm a single mum and I don't get financial help from her dad or any time to myself. I so envy those who get the odd weekend off. It's relentless.

I’m really sorry. You have it hard. Can a grandparent or aunt/uncle give you a regular day/night off? Or if no family, could you team up with something be else in the same boat?

Sometimes it’s very hard to ask for help, but it would do you the world of good to have a set day/date where you can do something for you x

He doesn’t but should

I think the financial burden is real and stressful as well, not just the day-to-day chores. Some NRPs at least share the financial costs.

@Essentialironingwater

I used to be in situation 1 and am now in situation 2. I really miss the child free time if I'm brutally honest and even though this situation is bags easier financially and emotionally, DD was a super easy child whilst DS is a (gorgeous, lovely) nightmare so I'm definitely more exhausted! I'd rather 2 than 1, but you never really know what goes on behind closed doors. Rather 1 as a healthy and happy adult with disposable income than an abusive arsehole or living on benefits with health issues, for example, but all things being equal of course sharing the load is better !

Refreshing insight! Thank you. Kinda what I figured x

Your situation definitely sounds harder - you carry the full mental load, and your breaks are few and far between.

@IonaLeg

Your situation definitely sounds harder - you carry the full mental load, and your breaks are few and far between.

oh you hit the nail on the head for how I feel.

Mental load, and gap between breaks. I really really struggle with both.

We’ll all the comments have been awesome, but the vote clearly says I’m unreasonable 🤦🏻‍♀️

I've been in both situations. Single mum to 2 kids for 4 years with 4 nights off a month.
Now have a third child with an extremely supportive and hands on partner. It's much easier to parent with 2 of you. The mental load of single parenting is huge. The breaks go very quickly and often the children come back even harder work.
Option 2 definitely easier.

It's obviously harder to be a single parent!

I didn't vote because I wasn't sure which option meant what.

@MakeAWhish

I've been in both situations. Single mum to 2 kids for 4 years with 4 nights off a month. Now have a third child with an extremely supportive and hands on partner. It's much easier to parent with 2 of you. The mental load of single parenting is huge. The breaks go very quickly and often the children come back even harder work. Option 2 definitely easier.

Mental load is the key issue my end for sure. I’m glad you’re in a better situation ❤️

@Stompythedinosaur

I didn't vote because I wasn't sure which option meant what.

Fair point! I’m assuming that being unreasonable pits against me as a single parent - but you’re right I didn’t lay it out

@Stompythedinosaur

It's obviously harder to be a single parent!

I think some people don’t think that though, hence why I posted. I think if you’re a single parent with 50:50 care with a responsible involved ex, who financially supports, you may have it easier than a couple - I don’t have that situation, not complaining tho’

I think it must be harder to be a single parent, but 4-5 weeks childfree time per year sounds like something i can only dream of!

@MakeAWhish

I've been in both situations. Single mum to 2 kids for 4 years with 4 nights off a month. Now have a third child with an extremely supportive and hands on partner. It's much easier to parent with 2 of you. The mental load of single parenting is huge. The breaks go very quickly and often the children come back even harder work. Option 2 definitely easier.

Agree with this about them being harder work too.

My DD goes to her Dads EOW for 1 night and always come back unsettled and out of routine. And that 1 night goes so fast by the time I've tidied up and had a rest I feel like my weekends gone without seeing friends or anything.

@Comedycook

I think it must be harder to be a single parent, but 4-5 weeks childfree time per year sounds like something i can only dream of!

I know! It’s something to envy if you are coupled. I get that.

It’s the rest of the year though 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️

I think it depends on many things. Personally, I think I would find your situation easier because although I am in a ‘partnership’ I do all of the things you’ve mentioned anyway but never get a night/week off. If I do go out and leave the kids with him then I know damn well he will stick them all on the iPad for hours on end and then sulk about it for days so i feel really guilty about planning anything. I guess on the flip side I can ‘nip to Tesco’ etc in the evenings if I need a couple of items which you can’t do at all.

A lot also depends on the child/children.

Being a single parent to young twins was much easier than having a very supportive DH (and a wonderful MIL who lives with us) and a child with complex needs who needs 24/7 care.

I think the reality is that no-one has it "easy" unless they're mega minted, living in their dream home, with the perfect partner, dream job and nanny/cleaner/other help to do the bits that they find tough. Everyone else just has a spot on the scale that likely varies depending on what life is chucking at them at that moment.

I've done both and option 2 is definitely easier.

When dd1 was young her father wasn't in the picture at all, but my parents helped a lot, probably slightly more than your ex has your DC. It was hard. Everything was on me, and the time "off" was spent catching up with work/housework.

By the time I had dd2 I was living with DH (he wasn't DH at the time), and it was SOOO much easier. If I was tired he could take over so I could go to bed. He cooked every night, so I didn't have to think about feeding everyone (I did the dishes afterwards). For me there was genuinely no comparison.

‘NotMeItsThem

MakeAWhish
I've been in both situations. Single mum to 2 kids for 4 years with 4 nights off a month.
Now have a third child with an extremely supportive and hands on partner. It's much easier to parent with 2 of you. The mental load of single parenting is huge. The breaks go very quickly and often the children come back even harder work.
Option 2 definitely easier.
Agree with this about them being harder work too.

^^My DD goes to her Dads EOW for 1 night and always come back unsettled and out of routine. And that 1 night goes so fast by the time I've tidied up and had a rest I feel like my weekends gone without seeing friends or anything.’

I agree 100% - change of routine, different parenting, the ‘break’ my end just covers changing bed sheets, shopping, washing etc and very little ‘me’ time.

@Namechange12312

I think it depends on many things. Personally, I think I would find your situation easier because although I am in a ‘partnership’ I do all of the things you’ve mentioned anyway but never get a night/week off. If I do go out and leave the kids with him then I know damn well he will stick them all on the iPad for hours on end and then sulk about it for days so i feel really guilty about planning anything. I guess on the flip side I can ‘nip to Tesco’ etc in the evenings if I need a couple of items which you can’t do at all.

I’ll be really honest, the ability to say to someone can you grab this on your way home, or be able to nip to the shops at 7pm is half the battle. I have to plan everything as I have no back up.

@JustLyra

A lot also depends on the child/children.

Being a single parent to young twins was much easier than having a very supportive DH (and a wonderful MIL who lives with us) and a child with complex needs who needs 24/7 care.

I think the reality is that no-one has it "easy" unless they're mega minted, living in their dream home, with the perfect partner, dream job and nanny/cleaner/other help to do the bits that they find tough. Everyone else just has a spot on the scale that likely varies depending on what life is chucking at them at that moment.

You’re 100% right - no one has it easy, it is a spot on the scale.

Having a child with additional needs must be very hard. I hope you have the support you need

@Takenoprisoner

I'm pretty much in your position. If anyone suggested that coupled parents have it harder, I don't think I'd be held responsible for my actions.

Who's said this?

Sorry I missed your fucking awesome comment! Big love, big pint of wine for you ❤️

Thanks @Mumteedum x

I’ve really appreciated all the posts. Different opinions, different lives. I’m sorry for those in shit situations with either no break as on their own completely or with controlling partners.

Could we maybe use this thread to set up local support please for all scenarios? We all need people right? It takes a village to raise a child. Covid has pushed me to suicidal depths, and I think connections with similar situs/ people could help me and others.

Does anyone know how we might do that with a group or app?

X

I think that "mental load" and "free time" are two different things.

Someone I know was split from her kids dad and had two "nights off" a week. She got back with her ex but now sends the kids to grandmas a night per week as she missed her free time. Imo it's just not what you sign up for when you have kids. I wouldn't want to have 4 weeks away from them

But i totally agree that the mental load of single parents with no co-parent is much greater