The concept of a break - single parent vs together

[afriusaenghather]

I’m a single parent, other parent lives very far away. So during term time, he has/sees the children for 4 nights per month.

I am responsible for every school drop off, pick up, all boring school and PTA/WhatsApp communication, all ferrying to and from clubs, all clothing, clubs, finances etc . I work full time. I do not have a partner, my ex does not get involved in any admin, or even payment of supporting their lives.

I however get 4 nights per month child free. I also get approx 4-5 weeks per year child free, where the children stay with him in the holidays.

Who do you think has it easier or harder? No trick question, I want to see what people really think here. Eg

1. A single parent in my situation (4 nights per month ‘off’ plus 4-5 weeks per annum with no children)
2. A parent couple, who align to 50:50 responsibilities and benefit from shared care 24/7

Thank you

I'm in a similar position to you but ExH won't have DD extra in holidays so I get 27 nights per year break that's it. Oh and he lives 10 minutes from me but won't have her anymore

I actually find it easier being on my own than when I was with ExH. But that's just me and my situation (DV and walking on egg shells when we were together, much much nicer home now he's not here).

But I do love my break of 1 night EOW where I can kick back and not be a "parent" for a bit.

I hate these questions. It isn't some kind of competetion. There are so many variables that go into it it is impossible to say unless you are talking about the same adults and the same children. Some kids have more difficult than others, some adults have more challanges than others when it comes to coping with life, it isn't black and white.

My DH works massively long hours but I never imagine I have it harder than a single parent because even though I do 95% of the practical stuff I can rely on him if I need him to come home early, financially I’m not on my own, we talk things through and I have his moral support. I don’t feel like I’m doing it on my own

My exh was like a 3rd child and a dead weight. I find things easier now. Can buy what I need with out arguments, make my own decisions with out arguments. I'm cleaning up after 1 less person, and I'm not living on egg shells.

I'm far better off as a single parent, personally. Even though my ex takes zero financial responsibility for the dc. Or any responsibility really. I deal with their schools, medical appointments and activities. I pay for everything. He's never bought them a stitch of clothing or a pair of shoes since they were born.

Sorry.... Accidentally vented a little.

Oooh do I win the pity party?

Single parent, work FT, zero family support, deadbeat ex who isn't allowed contact with child and who contributes the princely sum of £6 a week through collect and pay... I have had three evenings 'off' in four years, and one of those I was in hospital for an operation!

Mind you, I think I'd rather this than have to put up with him, and his abuse and accompanying bullshit so 🤷‍♀️

@User5827372728

I share the mental load with my OH and miss his support when he’s away

But I would love 4-5 weeks a year without my kids 😱

I get that! There’s no clean ‘off’ time for you

@babycorn123

Oooh do I win the pity party?

Single parent, work FT, zero family support, deadbeat ex who isn't allowed contact with child and who contributes the princely sum of £6 a week through collect and pay... I have had three evenings 'off' in four years, and one of those I was in hospital for an operation!

Mind you, I think I'd rather this than have to put up with him, and his abuse and accompanying bullshit so 🤷‍♀️

I’m sorry. You have it shit.

I hope life gives you back something soon

You’re doing great x

@Aloethere

I hate these questions. It isn't some kind of competetion. There are so many variables that go into it it is impossible to say unless you are talking about the same adults and the same children. Some kids have more difficult than others, some adults have more challanges than others when it comes to coping with life, it isn't black and white.

I’m sorry, it wasn’t meant as a competition.

Something was said to me, about my situation, and I wanted to seek a greater/wider view. That is it, I assure you

Option 2 parent couple have it easier.

I'm a single mum and I don't get financial help from her dad or any time to myself. I so envy those who get the odd weekend off. It's relentless.

@chunderwunder

Didn't realise it was a competition but having a dead other parent probably wins.

I’m really sorry if I upset you. Not my intention.

I was asking as a comment was made to me, and I was a bit dumbfounded

I hope you are ok

@BeenThruMoreThanALilBit

Such an odd question.

How many DC?
How old are the D.C.?
How much do you earn?
What are your work hours?
Do you have a support network?
What is your DC like? Easy or difficult?
Where do you live?

It’s such a petty question. Why do you need to win this argument?

I don’t need to win anything. I was questioning /garnering external opinions, due to someone else’s comment on my life in comparison to theirs.

It’s not a competition, I just feel like I may have missed something, as I feel like I do have it a bit harder, that’s all.

I’m not perfect, and don’t want to cause any massive arguments I assure you

@BillyRaywasapreachersson

Why do you need to compare? What does it matter?

I didn’t compare, someone compared to me.

It’s not a big deal, but wanted to get external opinions.

It ought to always be easier for the couple. In reality: It depends on how (dys)functional the relationship is for the couple.

I know several couples where one parent (who am I kidding, it’s always the Mum) who does the full mental, most of the physical load, and never even gets a reasonable break for a shower, never mind an evening off. In that case, where they’re doing the parenting and carrying the partner, I think you have it easier. For all that you have to make all the decisions, at least you’re not carrying a deadweight.

I have a very good relationship and compatible parenting styles with DH. It would never dawn on him to have a weekend away or even a night away, so I feel constrained that I can’t make those choices without appearing/feeling selfish.

(If you did 50:50 custody, it would be a comparison of half the responsibility all of the time, or all of the responsibility half of the time. And I think that depends on your mindset).

It depends on what the other parent is like as a co-parent.

I know of several of my DD's friends where the parents are separated and have 50/50 residence arrangements: they are aligned in terms of the roles and responsibilities etc and it works well. This is the optimal situation for separated parents and if you have this I think you have the best possible scenario.

On the other hand if you have a co-parent who is unco-operative, bad at communicating, ill-tempered or irrresponsible then this scenario would be a total nightmare and you would be better off in your situation.

My DD's father simply isn't responsible enough to do 50/50 residence and frankly I wouldn't trust him even with a one-off overnight stay. So although I have almost no support and its more or less impossible to have any kind of break, I'd much rather be in this situation than constantly be worrying about whether the other parent will step up and do what they are supposed to do.

It's swings and roundabouts.

But like I said it’s down to the situation, many parents feel it’s easier on their own. I don’t as my ex is absent, pays no maintenance he may as well be dead tbh! That doesn’t mean others don’t find it easier though, different situations can’t really say.

People say those with 50/50 find it easiest but that’s not my experience and everyone I’ve heard of having shared care hates it as they hate only seeing their kids half the time 🤷‍♀️

@HorriderHenry

It ought to always be easier for the couple. In reality: It depends on how (dys)functional the relationship is for the couple.

I know several couples where one parent (who am I kidding, it’s always the Mum) who does the full mental, most of the physical load, and never even gets a reasonable break for a shower, never mind an evening off. In that case, where they’re doing the parenting and carrying the partner, I think you have it easier. For all that you have to make all the decisions, at least you’re not carrying a deadweight.

I have a very good relationship and compatible parenting styles with DH. It would never dawn on him to have a weekend away or even a night away, so I feel constrained that I can’t make those choices without appearing/feeling selfish.

I think that’s the tricky thing, if you are a couple/together parent, then actually agreeing time away can be a minefield.

In that sense I’m grateful. I think I do have harder days, but certainly easier relaxing days occasionally.

I don’t think I have it easier, I think I have it different. Certainly some days are much much harder without another to lean on.

In my own, personal and unique situation being a single parent with the same contact situation as you was much easier and better for my mental health than living and parenting with exH. I was still knackered but felt much happier.

@BlowDryRat

In my own, personal and unique situation being a single parent with the same contact situation as you was much easier and better for my mental health than living and parenting with exH. I was still knackered but felt much happier.

100% the separation from a toxic relationship is so much better for you as a parent, and the children - hope you’re doing ok!

Loads better thanks. I divorced him 6 years ago and have since remarried. DH is currently brushing wriggly DD's hair while I lie on the sofa!

It completely depends. I'd rather be you than about 50% of the couples I know. But I'd much rather be with DH (and it's easier) than being alone.

Some men create work and stress and some share it.

Just curious, why doesn't your ex pay any CS?

@BlowDryRat

Loads better thanks. I divorced him 6 years ago and have since remarried. DH is currently brushing wriggly DD's hair while I lie on the sofa!

That’s so lovely you moved on, and have a caring step parent ❤️

@MrsTerryPratchett

It completely depends. I'd rather be you than about 50% of the couples I know. But I'd much rather be with DH (and it's easier) than being alone.

Some men create work and stress and some share it.

Just curious, why doesn't your ex pay any CS?

I hear you!

He doesn’t but should, whole other thread, but not the subject I wanted to focus on.

I used to be in situation 1 and am now in situation 2. I really miss the child free time if I'm brutally honest and even though this situation is bags easier financially and emotionally, DD was a super easy child whilst DS is a (gorgeous, lovely) nightmare so I'm definitely more exhausted! I'd rather 2 than 1, but you never really know what goes on behind closed doors. Rather 1 as a healthy and happy adult with disposable income than an abusive arsehole or living on benefits with health issues, for example, but all things being equal of course sharing the load is better !