The concept of a break - single parent vs together

[afriusaenghather]

I’m a single parent, other parent lives very far away. So during term time, he has/sees the children for 4 nights per month.

I am responsible for every school drop off, pick up, all boring school and PTA/WhatsApp communication, all ferrying to and from clubs, all clothing, clubs, finances etc . I work full time. I do not have a partner, my ex does not get involved in any admin, or even payment of supporting their lives.

I however get 4 nights per month child free. I also get approx 4-5 weeks per year child free, where the children stay with him in the holidays.

Who do you think has it easier or harder? No trick question, I want to see what people really think here. Eg

1. A single parent in my situation (4 nights per month ‘off’ plus 4-5 weeks per annum with no children)
2. A parent couple, who align to 50:50 responsibilities and benefit from shared care 24/7

Thank you

I'm a single parent who works full time in a very busy nhs role.. I have a 3 year old.
Honestly, weekends are just the same as the week.. Just without work.
But I honestly find it easier than actually being with her waste of oxygen, abusive, low life, scum bag, sub human excuse of a father.. As she's safer now. It was much harder before as I was tirelessly failing to keep her safe.. I wouldn't swap that for a break, any child free time, or anything to make life 1% better.

I don’t think there are any absolutes. My cousin is a single parent and lives close to her parents in England, so always has lots of babysitting and overnights provided. I’m married and live overseas from family, and I can afford babysitters, but wouldn’t have much free time if that wasn’t the case.

2. A parent couple, who align to 50:50 responsibilities and benefit from shared care 24/7

I don't know a single couple who have this type of relationship. Those where both parents work FT, the mother still does a lot more than 50% of the parenting/mental load.

So although I would definitely rather be in situation 1 than situation 2, I think the latter is very rare, so you're asking a question about something that just doesn't happen very often. (Unless all of my friends and colleagues just have a disproportionately high number of shit husbands.)

We both work full time in very stressful and emotionally/psychologically difficult jobs, it feels like any time we're not working there are a million things to do, my house and garden never feel finished and public sector salaries don't stretch to just getting someone in all the time.
We are very lucky to have some grandparent childcare so we can work and are not paying full time nursery fees, this does mean we're reluctant to ask for babysitting so we can have a break as it feels really cheeky.
However, I can have the shittest week and I'm not alone, a few weeks ago one of my service users had killed someone, my colleague died unexpectedly, my gran was scammed out of her life savings, we're going through huge changes at work and nothing is sorted and that makes me really stressed. DH 's caseload are really struggling, self harm incidents are increasing and significant, risk is increasing left right and centre, several nights we're both sat on the sofa working at nearly midnight. DS is toilet trained but fairly newly, I'd spent two hours after work cleaning while DH occupied toddler and turned round some laundry/dishwasher etc. We were planning on having a quiet evening, early night and just having pizza for dinner. DS ran up the stairs didn't make it and did a poo on the landing carpet, and then we had two men trying to break into our shed later that night and the police round taking statements until after midnight. They left, I shut the door looked at DH, felt like crying but we both just started laughing, so as hard as life can get I've got someone on my side and by my side through all of it. I think that can be underestimated .

@Parttimemostofthetime

I think that "mental load" and "free time" are two different things.

Someone I know was split from her kids dad and had two "nights off" a week. She got back with her ex but now sends the kids to grandmas a night per week as she missed her free time. Imo it's just not what you sign up for when you have kids. I wouldn't want to have 4 weeks away from them

But i totally agree that the mental load of single parents with no co-parent is much greater

I don’t really get to choose about 4 weeks off, and it’s not consecutive. I don’t like it, but I need it. My ex lives hundred of miles away. There’s no midweek break, so ‘can you get the kids today’ ‘can you take x to footie’ etc

Plus if you’ve done 3 months with a couple of days/nights off staggered every 2 weeks…. You need it trust me!

I could have written your OP, I'm in the exact same situation.

For me life is easier now but only because exH was so unbelievably useless that I did 100% of everything with no break. At least now I get a break EOW

@KingdomScrolls

We both work full time in very stressful and emotionally/psychologically difficult jobs, it feels like any time we're not working there are a million things to do, my house and garden never feel finished and public sector salaries don't stretch to just getting someone in all the time. We are very lucky to have some grandparent childcare so we can work and are not paying full time nursery fees, this does mean we're reluctant to ask for babysitting so we can have a break as it feels really cheeky. However, I can have the shittest week and I'm not alone, a few weeks ago one of my service users had killed someone, my colleague died unexpectedly, my gran was scammed out of her life savings, we're going through huge changes at work and nothing is sorted and that makes me really stressed. DH 's caseload are really struggling, self harm incidents are increasing and significant, risk is increasing left right and centre, several nights we're both sat on the sofa working at nearly midnight. DS is toilet trained but fairly newly, I'd spent two hours after work cleaning while DH occupied toddler and turned round some laundry/dishwasher etc. We were planning on having a quiet evening, early night and just having pizza for dinner. DS ran up the stairs didn't make it and did a poo on the landing carpet, and then we had two men trying to break into our shed later that night and the police round taking statements until after midnight. They left, I shut the door looked at DH, felt like crying but we both just started laughing, so as hard as life can get I've got someone on my side and by my side through all of it. I think that can be underestimated .

I hear you!

I have a very demanding job. So much so I barely sleep some days.

I have the same shit as you… this week my soil pipe burst, it’s backed up to my washing machine, flooded under my floor with poo. I cry, I deal, I have to alone. No one to lean on, just how the cookie crumbles!

Hope your week gets better ❤️

Would love a support group @afriusaenghather

The mental load is immense. And there's no let up till dc are adults and able to take care of themselves independently, imo.

Those saying about there being too many variables to compare, op did make it clear she was asking about single parent who takes on all the mental load, with a few child free days/weekends per year VS coupled parents who share the load as equally as possible with few or no child free days/weekends.

4-5 weeks without my children would be incredibly distressing. A long weekend a couple of times a year is all I would want.

@Takenoprisoner

Would love a support group *@afriusaenghather*

The mental load is immense. And there's no let up till dc are adults and able to take care of themselves independently, imo.

Those saying about there being too many variables to compare, op did make it clear she was asking about single parent who takes on all the mental load, with a few child free days/weekends per year VS coupled parents who share the load as equally as possible with few or no child free days/weekends.

I like you… you stick up for me with facts ❤️

Goes a long way xxx

@MyDcAreMarvel
I may be wrong here, I think the op probably means 4 or 5 weeks spread out throughout the year.

I think this depends on the ages of dc involved to some extent.
I'm in the position of hardly ever getting a break from a teen boy. I would take distressing over being at breaking point any day. Taking a break benefits parents, especially single ones, which in turn benefits their dc.

@Takenoprisoner ah I see yes split up into separate weeks is very different.

[quote Takenoprisoner]@MyDcAreMarvel
I may be wrong here, I think the op probably means 4 or 5 weeks spread out throughout the year.

I think this depends on the ages of dc involved to some extent.
I'm in the position of hardly ever getting a break from a teen boy. I would take distressing over being at breaking point any day. Taking a break benefits parents, especially single ones, which in turn benefits their dc.[/quote]
You’re exactly right… again!

It’s spread over the year. And the break makes me a better parent, as you rightly pointed out.

Living together parents/ Couples may not get the fact the pressure because Mgr alone impacts your patience and parenting. The break re-sets you, to benefit your children. I wish it was more frequent in smaller chunks for them and for me

I meant to say above

‘Living together parents/ Couples may not get the fact there is pressure of parenting alone which impacts your patience and parenting’

Personally I think it's harder 50/50 ... in my experience my ex has a polar opposite parenting style to mine. I'm not saying he's wrong & I'm right, but it's bloody difficult, particularly when he's a narcissistic prick & our DD comes hone in tears every time she "has to go" to her dads.
I guess there is no clear answer to your question as it depends on how you co- parent

@mug2018

Personally I think it's harder 50/50 ... in my experience my ex has a polar opposite parenting style to mine. I'm not saying he's wrong & I'm right, but it's bloody difficult, particularly when he's a narcissistic prick & our DD comes hone in tears every time she "has to go" to her dads. I guess there is no clear answer to your question as it depends on how you co- parent

I hear you on this.

I don’t have 50:50

I don’t agree with ex’s parenting, and there is always a reset after the holiday period. I crave nearer to 50:50 though.

There must be a way to reset parenting to more similar attitudes?

@chunderwunder

Didn't realise it was a competition but having a dead other parent probably wins.

‘Winning’ here too. Yay.

OP definitely agree you have the greater mental load than (effective) couples who parent equally

@chunderwunder @tunnocksreturns2019

There is no competition I assure you, please view my OP and replies, I’m not garnering hatred or drama. I feel really upset about that you might be causing people harm.

I’m so very sorry you have lost loved ones, I hope you are coping, and I’m sorry if I’ve done anything to cause offence. Really not me, or my intentions xx

I don't think the 'I couldn't be without my kids for 4 weeks' are the most helpful comments.

I have my kids 60/40. It's not the life I'd have chosen but that's the situation. I miss them when they're away, but I don't need to be made to feel guilty for also enjoying the time off.

When I have them, it's intense.

I've done both and there's no comparrison. Being a single parent is way harder. As part of a couple I still do the lions share due to DH's long hours and working away, but I know I'm not in it alone. DS recently had some scary hospital tests.I booked appointments, I take him to them, I meet the doctors. But we worry about it all together.

@FatCatThinCat

I've done both and there's no comparrison. Being a single parent is way harder. As part of a couple I still do the lions share due to DH's long hours and working away, but I know I'm not in it alone. DS recently had some scary hospital tests.I booked appointments, I take him to them, I meet the doctors. But we worry about it all together.

Thank you for being honest and laying it out. It makes me feel validated for how tired I am!! X

[quote afriusaenghather]**@chunderwunder* @tunnocksreturns2019*

There is no competition I assure you, please view my OP and replies, I’m not garnering hatred or drama. I feel really upset about that you might be causing people harm.

I’m so very sorry you have lost loved ones, I hope you are coping, and I’m sorry if I’ve done anything to cause offence. Really not me, or my intentions xx[/quote]
Oh no, not offended at all, sorry if it sounded that way! Things here not too bad thanks

I am now in situation 1 and find it much easier than when I was supposed to be in situation 2, as despite my EXDP insisting he did 50%, it was more like 10% when he felt like it.

At least now I don't have to do all the thinking for him too. Sorting the DC only is much easier, even my DD3 who has SEN.

EXDP is a much better co-parent than he was when we lived with him, as he actually looks after the DC on his own now, whereas he never did before!

*I appreciate I'm talking from a slightly different perspective to what the question asked, but I needed to say it.

@Febo24

I don't think the 'I couldn't be without my kids for 4 weeks' are the most helpful comments.

I have my kids 60/40. It's not the life I'd have chosen but that's the situation. I miss them when they're away, but I don't need to be made to feel guilty for also enjoying the time off.

When I have them, it's intense.

Agree with you!

Intense for sure. X