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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Am I being unreasonable asking for child maintenance

406 replies

Bri102 · 25/07/2021 09:31

First time writing a post and it's a bit long so apologies.

I fell pregnant with my son during lockdown, bit of a surprise as I was on birth control. The father straight away said I should get an abortion due to the fact he was unplanned, im so grateful everyday I didn't as my son is a beautiful funny little 6 month old now. The dad has never met him and had changed his mind a few times about meeting him but this has come to a head and he now says it's impossible for him to meet my son, due to the fact I have asked for child maintenance, my maternity leave is ending soon and it is going to cost £600 a month for nursery fees alone.

Whilst I was pregnant I reached out to the father's mum to ask if she wanted a relationship with my son, she jumped at the chance and we have been seeing each other frequently since I was pregnant. Shortly after my son was born she said if she was me she would go for child maintenance, as her son should take some sort of responsibility for my son. However, she came to see my son yesterday and told me im morally wrong to ask for any maintenance as her son did not wish for me to continue the pregnancy and it was my decision and mine alone, he did not have any choice in the matter. She said I should not have continued the pregnancy if I could not financially support the baby myself. I can support the baby and my other son but after the nursery fees, we will not have much left for food and everyday needs. She asked me if I would drop the case as her son has given her the ultimatum of him and her other 2 grandchildren or my son and she is going to chose her son the babys dad, and she is prepared to walk out of my sons life. I'm devastated for my son not only will he feel abandoned by his father but now by his family also. My sons father has also never met his dad and recently tried to contact him and his dad didn't want to know him and denied having a son, it has apparently really effected him, but he is willing to do it to his own son which I cannot understand. Don't know if it's worth noting he already has two other children who he sees twice a week and pays child maintenance for to his ex.

I just want to know if I am in the wrong and should just drop the child maintenance and basically walk away from the family before my son is old enough to remember his nan and aunties who are willing to walk away if the dad is adamant on the ultimatum.

Thanks for reading and any advice, sorry it was long.

OP posts:
ILoveYou3000 · 25/07/2021 15:33

@Lostandlonely94

I got pregnant unplanned with my now fiancé and my first worry that he would not be happy and that he would leave me. We actually knew we wanted children together and we had had discussions but it happened sooner than planned. He was actually really happy with the news but he did agree the timing was off so I told him I was prepared to terminate as I knew we would not be ready and we settled on that.. he came home from work today to say that he thought we could actually make it work and we should keep the baby. This meant I didn’t lose him and we had our little girl..

However we had not been together overly long and if he said it was me or the baby and I chose baby then I certainly would not be thinking well he said he didn’t want her so I can just claim money instead and I certainly wouldn’t have approached his family introducing her to her grandad without the permission or anything from the babies father. No wonder he gave her an ultimatum and said sorry mum but I didn’t want this baby and she was on protection but chose to go ahead anyway.. I assume if you were on protection but it failed you in some shape or form weren’t planning a baby so why do you now think because you changed your mind he should be paying for that Hmm

It’s all kind of wrong in my opinion and I think there should be a legal document that men can sign when they have said from day one that they aren’t wanting to be part of the baby's life.. he cannot force abortion or anything and I am not saying they should have any say in that but to then be made to pay for it is a bit unfair.

And for the posters who are saying no sex no baby.. I am sorry but please raise your hand if you know any man who will choose to double up on contraception when they know there is already supposed to be. Maybe the OP should have been using two forms of protection.. Yes maybe men should be raised that actually if you choose to have sex with a woman.. they have the right to keep the baby and then push the financial burden onto you when you have stated you don’t want any involvement.

If this is the attitude women have towards making a man pay for getting them pregnant but saying sorry not sorry but I don’t want this pregnancy to go ahead and if it does I do want any involvement than I will certainly be telling my son when he is older that he needs to protect himself from these types of scenarios. Or maybe we should be teaching both men and women that sex is not for fun and not for pleasure and that it is only for procreation and that is that 🙄

There is so much wrong in this post I don't even know where to start.
QueenBee52 · 25/07/2021 15:33

@ILoveYou3000

I KNOW right 🤣😂

toocold54 · 25/07/2021 15:34

Lostandlonely94 Remember this is MN the man is ALWAYS in the wrong.

Hoppinggreen · 25/07/2021 15:35

You do need to go for child support but please dint be concerned for your son, he’s 6 months old so won’t miss this woman or know his Fathers family aren’t in his life, they don’t sound like much of a loss anyway

Bollindger · 25/07/2021 15:36

The only birth control that is 100% effective is no sex.

If you have sex you could have a baby.
The blame is not up for discussion, you can't tell someone to abort unless they want to.
Congratulations tour going to be a daddy.

FortniteBoysMum · 25/07/2021 15:36

@Lostandlonely94 maybe rather than teach your son about these scenarios and how he could be forced to pay, you teach him to use protection regardless of who his with unless he is ready and willing to support a child. If you don't want a child use something. The only way you can almost guarantee not having a pregnancy is by using protection. Do not 3xpect the other person to be responsible for it all the time. Why do people not teach their sons its just as much his responsibility as it is hers. If his not using protection he pays the price. That's what we have been teaching our boys. Contraception is a 2 way street.

Bollindger · 25/07/2021 15:37

We are not saying your wrong, we are saying face up to reality....
Sex equals babies....

CantBeAssed · 25/07/2021 15:38

Belated congratulations for your ds......I am in a similar situation to yourself....my older DDs dad is very active in her life and a great support...my youngest Ds "dad" isn't involved with him and pays nothing....i personally don't want any money from him..it would be nice if he was decent and gave financial support but when iv to go begging....nah...my DS wants for nothing..yes,it is a struggle at times but I couldn't live with thought of knowing that he was only giving money because he was forced...my dad is worth more than that..

CantBeAssed · 25/07/2021 15:39

*Ds is worth more

pointythings · 25/07/2021 15:40

I see that internalised misogyny is still alive and kicking.

Lostandlonely94 · 25/07/2021 15:43

@toocold54- looks like it.. I mean sorry not sorry that I have some respect for a fellow human who doesn’t want to be financially roped into a decision I decided to make alone. Hmm

I’m not apologising for my opinion being that I would never make a decision on behalf of someone else and then force them to be financially responsible for that. The OP was on protection which failed fair enough but the conversation should go along the lines of “I’m pregnant because my birth control failed whilst we dtd” and the man replies “oh right, well what are you thinking because I really don’t want another child” “I’m thinking of keeping the baby” “That is your decision however I would like no involvement in the child’s life and if you wish to carry on with this pregnancy than please know that is my thoughts on the matter” “okay so you absolve all rights etc to the child”
“Yes” “okay I won’t involve you”

Not “well that is fine don’t involve yourself but I am going to contact your family and ask them to build a relationship with the child regardless of your wishes and oh by the way I am going to go for maintenance because I may or may not struggle to financially raise this child on my own but it is my right so I am going to put a claim in for it”

Hmm sorry but I don’t agree with the system and I think it needs an overhaul.

CantBeAssed · 25/07/2021 15:46

#lostandlonely94...I agree...

Chickychickydodah · 25/07/2021 15:47

Claim it and dump and block her.

Bri102 · 25/07/2021 15:48

@Lostandlonely94 he was very happy for his family to have contact until maintenance was discussed, last week.

OP posts:
pointythings · 25/07/2021 15:49

lostandlonely94 what you are failing to see is that the decision was made at the point where they decided to have sex. OP did all she could re contraception. Her partner did not. Assuming he is an adult with no educational problems, he knew at that point that there was a risk of pregnancy that was greater than if he had worn a condom.

You and your ilk are both basically saying that women should have abortions for the convenience of men, and that men should always be allowed to walk away. It's sad to see that women are still women's worst enemies.

QueenBee52 · 25/07/2021 15:49

sorry but I don’t agree with the system and I think it needs an overhaul.

much like your attitude..

thankfully the Law disagrees and OP is free to claim CMS for her child despite antiquated thinking 🌸

Anotherbrokenairer · 25/07/2021 15:49

So she DID her bit, he DIDN'T do his. He DIDN'T do his bit despite nothing being 100% because he wanted extra pleasure and she gets to have a termination or raise a child herself.
WTAF do I keep reading??

Graphista · 25/07/2021 15:50

You're son won't be "abandoned" as he'll never know them, which from the sounds of things is the best option.

Any time heterosexual sex occurs there's a possibility of pregnancy.

You say you were on birth control but he also could have (and frankly should have - that's on both of you really) worn a condom

Right now you need to prioritise your sons needs and that means claiming cm.

Tbh I don't understand why you've waited this long.

Get onto cms first thing tomorrow

Your sons gran is NOT your friend she is not an ally she is representing her sons best interests

Another who's disgusted at the apologists and excusers on this thread. Wtf!!

I despair of younger people NOT USING CONDOMS

I reached age of consent at the height of the aids crisis.

Unless actively ttc I always insist on condoms being used and if the man won't then he isn't allowed near me! Ever!

AIDS has not gone away, nor has hepatitis or hpv these are all life threatening/affecting conditions. Treatment doesn't work for everyone and if you get one of these conditions it's for the rest of your life.

Other sti's can also be extremely unpleasant to deal with and can impact fertility.

Why are younger generations not using condoms now?! I really don't get it at all!

Put in your claim for child maintenance, have it deducted directly from his salary by the CMS. Although it will cost you a small amount, it will show him that you are in control, not him.

Unfortunately attachment of earnings is very hard to get. You can't simply request it there has to be a long proven track record of the nrp not paying ANY maintenance at all - it's shit and needs to be changed

I don’t think it’s fair if you ask for maintenance from him if he is not seeing the child and told you that would be the case from day 1.

Children are not pay per view!

They also don't simply cease to exist and therefore cease needing fed, housed etc just because their deadbeat father effectively sticks their fingers in their ears and go "la la la not happening"

@NewlyGranny yea I'm sceptical of what the gran is claiming too

But you wouldn’t conceive a child via a sperm donation and then expect the sperm donor to provide maintenance.

No it's not!

Legally or morally!

If cm was properly enforced and was actually a decent amount rather than the pittance that currently exists I'm betting condom use would increase significantly!

but please raise your hand if you know any man who will choose to double up on contraception when they know there is already supposed to be.

Every man I've slept with!

than I will certainly be telling my son when he is older that he needs to protect himself from these types of scenarios.

Parents should be raising their sons to be RESPONSIBLE for their own fertility ANYWAY

Remember this is MN the man is ALWAYS in the wrong.

Nonsense!

It's sad to see that women are still women's worst enemies.

Devastating and infuriating!

ILoveYou3000 · 25/07/2021 15:50

[quote Lostandlonely94]@toocold54- looks like it.. I mean sorry not sorry that I have some respect for a fellow human who doesn’t want to be financially roped into a decision I decided to make alone. Hmm

I’m not apologising for my opinion being that I would never make a decision on behalf of someone else and then force them to be financially responsible for that. The OP was on protection which failed fair enough but the conversation should go along the lines of “I’m pregnant because my birth control failed whilst we dtd” and the man replies “oh right, well what are you thinking because I really don’t want another child” “I’m thinking of keeping the baby” “That is your decision however I would like no involvement in the child’s life and if you wish to carry on with this pregnancy than please know that is my thoughts on the matter” “okay so you absolve all rights etc to the child”
“Yes” “okay I won’t involve you”

Not “well that is fine don’t involve yourself but I am going to contact your family and ask them to build a relationship with the child regardless of your wishes and oh by the way I am going to go for maintenance because I may or may not struggle to financially raise this child on my own but it is my right so I am going to put a claim in for it”

Hmm sorry but I don’t agree with the system and I think it needs an overhaul.[/quote]
The system is built around the best interests of the child(ren). Because no child asks to be born. It is their right to be supported by both of their parents. It sounds like you are saying you think the rights of the man to walk away should count for more.

Bellend101 · 25/07/2021 15:51

1000% go for maintenance. Maybe he should consider the potential consequences of sticking his dick in a woman before doing so if he doesn't want to run the risk of having kids. The mother is an idiot. Who gives a shit if he told you to have an abortion? If I told my boss I want my wages doubled because it would be better for me, should I not go to work because they said no? Fuck that, fuck him and fuck his family. Do what's right for your son and make him pay. Ooh, I'm heated 😂

BrandNewHeretic · 25/07/2021 15:51

@toocold54

But the OP’s situation is completely different. The only legal and moral way of deciding not to have a baby is done BEFORE getting pregnant. Take precautions- don’t get the woman pregnant

But there was precautions - she was already on birth control to stop from getting pregnant.
Yes he could have worn a condom but most people don’t do both and if she’s already on birth control that’s a pretty sure sign that she doesn’t want to have a baby.

Birth control failing doesn't mean she's obligated to have an abortion.
ivfgottwins · 25/07/2021 15:56

@CantBeAssed

#lostandlonely94...I agree...

I have to say I also agree

QueenBee52 · 25/07/2021 15:58

The Law says you are ENTITLED to CMS OP..,

you claim it lovely 🌸

Lostandlonely94 · 25/07/2021 16:05

This reply has been deleted

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RadandMad · 25/07/2021 16:06

@ILoveYou3000 Will nobody think of the poor men!!!

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