Am I being unreasonable asking for child maintenance

[Bri102]

First time writing a post and it's a bit long so apologies.

I fell pregnant with my son during lockdown, bit of a surprise as I was on birth control. The father straight away said I should get an abortion due to the fact he was unplanned, im so grateful everyday I didn't as my son is a beautiful funny little 6 month old now. The dad has never met him and had changed his mind a few times about meeting him but this has come to a head and he now says it's impossible for him to meet my son, due to the fact I have asked for child maintenance, my maternity leave is ending soon and it is going to cost £600 a month for nursery fees alone.

Whilst I was pregnant I reached out to the father's mum to ask if she wanted a relationship with my son, she jumped at the chance and we have been seeing each other frequently since I was pregnant. Shortly after my son was born she said if she was me she would go for child maintenance, as her son should take some sort of responsibility for my son. However, she came to see my son yesterday and told me im morally wrong to ask for any maintenance as her son did not wish for me to continue the pregnancy and it was my decision and mine alone, he did not have any choice in the matter. She said I should not have continued the pregnancy if I could not financially support the baby myself. I can support the baby and my other son but after the nursery fees, we will not have much left for food and everyday needs. She asked me if I would drop the case as her son has given her the ultimatum of him and her other 2 grandchildren or my son and she is going to chose her son the babys dad, and she is prepared to walk out of my sons life. I'm devastated for my son not only will he feel abandoned by his father but now by his family also. My sons father has also never met his dad and recently tried to contact him and his dad didn't want to know him and denied having a son, it has apparently really effected him, but he is willing to do it to his own son which I cannot understand. Don't know if it's worth noting he already has two other children who he sees twice a week and pays child maintenance for to his ex.

I just want to know if I am in the wrong and should just drop the child maintenance and basically walk away from the family before my son is old enough to remember his nan and aunties who are willing to walk away if the dad is adamant on the ultimatum.

Thanks for reading and any advice, sorry it was long.

* Nope, it takes two to make a baby. Forcing a woman to have an abortion after the fact, is not a male form of contraception. We all know it’s women who get pregnant, we all know it’s her choice after that happens, so rather than playing victim, men need to take some responsibility whilst they still have choices.*
The idea that a man can have unprotected sex, and then walk away because he couldn’t force a woman to have an abortion is disgusting. It also of course means that women have to deal with the consequences no matter what option they go for, and men don’t**

💯 this!!!!
Women terminating their pregnancies is not a form of contraception based on the man not wanting to keep the baby- after the fact that they BOTH had sex and therefor BOTH took the risk that pregnancy could be a consequence of that.
The woman then choosing to keep a pregnancy that is inside HER body is her human right and does not absolve the man of financial responsibility for that child.
Jesus Christ superstar, some of the posters on here have set feminism back 70 years!

@Lostandlonely94 if he didn't want the potential of cutting into his other children's money, then he shouldn't have had sex without a condom. He's either incredibly stupid, or just doesn't give a sh*t about his other kids otherwise he'd have not taken the risk. If I was the mum of the 2 kids I'd be upset and angry, but not with OP, with the man because I'd be thinking how bloody dumb he is and how irresponsible and how little regard he has for his children.

Once again, the responsibility shouldn't be on the woman. Took two to make this baby and will now take two to contribute even if one didn't want the baby as he allegedly didn't know how sex works?

Gosh this thread is worrying!

@Lostandlonely94

I am not saying women should have abortions for the convenience of men.. I am saying that if the woman says she is going ahead with it with full knowledge that the man does not want to go ahead then she shouldn’t really be making him pay for the upkeep of her decision.

If the woman falls pregnant accidentally and then tells the father of the baby that she is choosing to keep the baby and they don’t want to be involved than as adults and fully functioning members of society they should be planning on making that decision work successfully alone. That means working out the financial aspect of having a baby. The OP already has another child so maybe instead of cutting into the bill for the food on the table she should have thought about that before having another baby 🤦🏼‍♀️

I think the original post is what bothers me because you mention he has two other children with his ex who he pays maintenance for and sees twice a week. He may have been in a relationship with the mother for many years and had planned those two children and he pays what he would be paying if he was still with the mother.. that is not your excuse to think why is he doing it for those children and not for your child.. because he was a solid partner and half of a decision maker for those two children.. your child he said he was not supporting this decision.

You claiming CMS is going to take away from his two children who he does want a relationship with. I am sorry but if my fiancé and I split and he told me that our two children would suffer negatively because of this than I would not be happy. In these scenarios I can see why my OH got a vasectomy after we had our two children.

So what you're saying is two adults make a decision to have sex. The woman chooses to protect herself from unwanted pregnancy by using contraception, the man chooses not to, and refuses to wear a condom. Contraceptive failure results in pregnancy. Now the woman, who remember already took precautions to prevent, is unwilling or unable to put herself through the emotional and physical trauma of an abortion. The man who chose not to take precautions has a tantrum and announces he's absolving all responsibility. And you feel that's okay? That he gets to just walk away because of the initial choice (no condom) he made resulting in a baby.

Actions have consequences. Unprotected sex results in pregnancy. Once the woman knows she is pregnant it already too late in terms of the consequences for that woman. According to you her choices then become a termination (potentially traumatic) or raising that child completely alone. The man should take none of the consequences because he 'doesn't want to'.

I am not saying women should have abortions for the convenience of men..

And then poster immediately contradicts her own statement.

You couldn't make it up!

@Lostandlonely94

yes he chose to have sex but you were on contraception and it failed.. that was not his fault but it’s now going to cost him for years

Relevant words are he chose and you were on contraception.....

So, OP was taking 'responsibility' for her contraception and she also 'asked HIM to wear a condom', which he refused ! So she tried to double her protection, but HE didn't want to take any precautions for his 'family planning !!!! FFS

But you'd still argue that it wasn't HIS fault conception occurred ? WTAF ??

So, according to you, women are always to blame, regardless of their birth control efforts, but men are never to blame when it happens ?? Regardless of their total lack of ANY protection taken at ALL ????

Next you'll be telling us all how it's totally the girls own fault she gets raped or sexually assaulted because of WHAT SHE WEARS !!

@toocold54

For example (as you love analogies so much), if he didn’t want to get burned he shouldn’t stick his hand (or dick) into a fire. Chances are he’ll get burned.

This analogy would work if there was no birth control. But there was.

No the analogy stands he chose to use absolutely no contraceptives himself despite being asked he stuck his naked penis inside OP.

I wish abandoning children because you decide you don’t want them after consensual sex where the man took absolutely no personal responsibility for his fertility were as condemned by society as the women going ahead with pregnancies are. It would soon find men suddenly taking responsibility for their ejaculations.

My DH doesn’t currently want more DC, I don’t mind. He uses condoms when we have sex. And amazingly nobody has fallen pregnant.

So, according to you, women are always to blame, regardless of their birth control efforts, but men are never to blame when it happens ?? Regardless of their total lack of ANY protection taken at ALL ????

FFS they are both to blame but he chose not to go through with the pregnancy and she chose to.
He didn’t wear a condom because she was on birth control. He assumed that as she was trying to stop herself getting pregnant then if the worst was to happen she’d get the morning after pill or abortion pill. If she wasn’t on birth control then he would be as responsible as he is choosing to have sex with someone who doesn’t care if they get pregnant or not but he had sex with her knowing she was on birth control and therefore knowing she didn’t want to get pregnant.

He uses condoms when we have sex. And amazingly nobody has fallen pregnant.

and it's an actual miracle 😂 Who'd have thought it 🤣

🌸🌺🌸

He assumed that as she was trying to stop herself getting pregnant then if the worst was to happen she’d get the morning after pill or abortion pill.

He assumed... You know what they say about that: assume makes an ass out of u and me.

He. Chose. Not. To. Wear. A. Condom.

He pays. Wanting to get your dick wet can get very expensive - men need to remember that.

@toocold54

So, according to you, women are always to blame, regardless of their birth control efforts, but men are never to blame when it happens ?? Regardless of their total lack of ANY protection taken at ALL ????

FFS they are both to blame but he chose not to go through with the pregnancy and she chose to.
He didn’t wear a condom because she was on birth control. He assumed that as she was trying to stop herself getting pregnant then if the worst was to happen she’d get the morning after pill or abortion pill. If she wasn’t on birth control then he would be as responsible as he is choosing to have sex with someone who doesn’t care if they get pregnant or not but he had sex with her knowing she was on birth control and therefore knowing she didn’t want to get pregnant.

Both parties are responsible for their own reproduction. She took precautions for hers, he didn't, knowing that no birth control is 100% - despite being asked to and refusing. It is not solely the responsibility of the woman. She did her part, it was the man who let the side down, but is him trying to get out of it by issuing immoral ultimatums. Get an abortion or do it alone. Stop going for maintenance or I'll stop my mother seeing her grandchildren.

Aiming to prevent pregnancy, and terminating a pregnancy, are emotionally and physically 2 different things. They are not the same.

He assumed... You know what they say about that: assume makes an ass out of u and me.

He. Chose. Not. To. Wear. A. Condom.

OP chose to have sex with him knowing that contraception is not 100% so she could have said wear a condom or I’m not having sex with you if she was so against having an abortion. But she didn’t she took that risk knowing he didn’t want to have a child.

What happens if he wore a condom and the condom split? People would still be saying the same because men can do no right on here.

Why not listen to the women who’ve actually been in this situation.

Claim your CMS OP 🎉

@toocold54

You can't have it both ways !

Either He didn’t wear a condom because she was on birth control, meaning that she had taken steps to prevent unwanted pregnancy and SHE asked HIM to wear a CONDOM ! Which HE refused, thereby ignoring HIS shared obligation to prevent pregnancy !

Just because she was on birth control, doesn't absolve him from his responsibility to prevent pregnancy ! And unless he's an imbecile, he already knows that no birth control method is 100% FFS !!

And your idea that He assumed that as she was trying to stop herself getting pregnant then if the worst was to happen she’d get the morning after pill or abortion pill is frankly ridiculous !

He assumed, so he never asked, and he didn't think it important enough to check or confirm this ??
But the idea that he assumed that she would once again be the only one of them to take action to prevent the birth of a baby . That he should take no further interest in whether or not his refusal to wear a condom had any consequences ?

Why is it that you think he needn't bother his tiny little head about worrying about an unexpected pregnancy, even after refusing to take his share of responsibility CAUSED by that refusal but you still think it's all down to the woman not wanting to have an abortion ??

It’s different here in the States. YOU don’t have a right to child support, but your child has the right to be supported by both parents. So, even if the mother doesn’t want it, in a divorce for instance, she cannot waive the right of the child to be supported by both. It’s statutory, and the amount is also statutory and if he does not want to pay, it will come out of his pay. If he quits his job to work off the books, he can lose his drivers license and any professional licenses. The father must kick in, rather than asking the mother and taxpayer to support his own child!

toocold54 just because you made your choice, that doesn't mean OP has to make the same choice.

You let a man off from his responsibilities. And since we're all free to have an opinion, mine is that that was a poor choice. Good men take responsibility for the choices they make.

You can't have it both ways

You don’t need to keep writing every other word in bold.
He didn’t want a baby and she knew that and she made her decision knowing that. I’m sure they even spoke about it during their relationship.
She can’t turn around now and act like he hadn’t been upfront with her about it.

@toocold54

He assumed... You know what they say about that: assume makes an ass out of u and me.

He. Chose. Not. To. Wear. A. Condom.

OP chose to have sex with him knowing that contraception is not 100% so she could have said wear a condom or I’m not having sex with you if she was so against having an abortion. But she didn’t she took that risk knowing he didn’t want to have a child.

What happens if he wore a condom and the condom split? People would still be saying the same because men can do no right on here.

Why not listen to the women who’ve actually been in this situation.

My god, the hypocrisy!

I can’t bear this thread. What the fuck is happening?

@MadCattery

It’s different here in the States. YOU don’t have a right to child support, but your child has the right to be supported by both parents. So, even if the mother doesn’t want it, in a divorce for instance, she cannot waive the right of the child to be supported by both. It’s statutory, and the amount is also statutory and if he does not want to pay, it will come out of his pay. If he quits his job to work off the books, he can lose his drivers license and any professional licenses. The father must kick in, rather than asking the mother and taxpayer to support his own child!

it also affects your passport 🌸

He didn't want a baby.

But chose not to wear a condom.

So he can't turn around now and act like he wasn't aware of the risks.

just because you made your choice, that doesn't mean OP has to make the same choice.

I’m not saying she has to make the same choice I am giving my opinion which is what these threads are for

I am not the only one on here who was in OPs situation and didn’t go for maintenance.

If you decide to have a baby knowing full well you will be a single parent with no help from the father then that is the decision you make. I’m sure OP thought long and hard about it before going through with it knowing she would be doing it alone.

@toocold54

You can't have it both ways

You don’t need to keep writing every other word in bold.
He didn’t want a baby and she knew that and she made her decision knowing that. I’m sure they even spoke about it during their relationship.
She can’t turn around now and act like he hadn’t been upfront with her about it.

doesn't matter..

She's entitled to CMS .. the Law says so ☺️

But you could say if op wasn't willing and able to raise a child by herself, then she should have been on the pill and had a diaphragm in 🤷‍♀️

She chose to continue with the pregnancy after he said he didn't want the baby. Its on her after that point.

@ChunkySloth

But you could say if op wasn't willing and able to raise a child by herself, then she should have been on the pill and had a diaphragm in 🤷‍♀️

She chose to continue with the pregnancy after he said he didn't want the baby. Its on her after that point.

the Law says different

I agree @toocold54 that they had the discussion about babies quite regularly by the sounds of it so if she knew his thoughts then she could be managing this pregnancy and little boy on her own.

I can see why my OH’s friend jumped to the conclusion that I had “trapped” him when there seems to be so many cases of intentional or unintentional trappings going on. I told them numerous times that he had been the one to decide we should carry on with the pregnancy and he told them the same but they didn’t believe him. It may have been because they all knew of cases where women have chosen to keep the babies and then starting requesting support even when the father didn’t want to be involved. My OH ended up cutting them out of his life because he couldn’t change their thoughts on me and our DD but what can you do.

I just don’t think it is fair for men to be forced into paying when they have made it perfectly known that they do not want to be involved.