Am I being unreasonable asking for child maintenance

[Bri102]

First time writing a post and it's a bit long so apologies.

I fell pregnant with my son during lockdown, bit of a surprise as I was on birth control. The father straight away said I should get an abortion due to the fact he was unplanned, im so grateful everyday I didn't as my son is a beautiful funny little 6 month old now. The dad has never met him and had changed his mind a few times about meeting him but this has come to a head and he now says it's impossible for him to meet my son, due to the fact I have asked for child maintenance, my maternity leave is ending soon and it is going to cost £600 a month for nursery fees alone.

Whilst I was pregnant I reached out to the father's mum to ask if she wanted a relationship with my son, she jumped at the chance and we have been seeing each other frequently since I was pregnant. Shortly after my son was born she said if she was me she would go for child maintenance, as her son should take some sort of responsibility for my son. However, she came to see my son yesterday and told me im morally wrong to ask for any maintenance as her son did not wish for me to continue the pregnancy and it was my decision and mine alone, he did not have any choice in the matter. She said I should not have continued the pregnancy if I could not financially support the baby myself. I can support the baby and my other son but after the nursery fees, we will not have much left for food and everyday needs. She asked me if I would drop the case as her son has given her the ultimatum of him and her other 2 grandchildren or my son and she is going to chose her son the babys dad, and she is prepared to walk out of my sons life. I'm devastated for my son not only will he feel abandoned by his father but now by his family also. My sons father has also never met his dad and recently tried to contact him and his dad didn't want to know him and denied having a son, it has apparently really effected him, but he is willing to do it to his own son which I cannot understand. Don't know if it's worth noting he already has two other children who he sees twice a week and pays child maintenance for to his ex.

I just want to know if I am in the wrong and should just drop the child maintenance and basically walk away from the family before my son is old enough to remember his nan and aunties who are willing to walk away if the dad is adamant on the ultimatum.

Thanks for reading and any advice, sorry it was long.

Take your baby and make a great life for you and your children.
And claim the maintenance.
You need to remember that maintenance is for your child's benefit, so that his mother is not struggling to provide for his needs, it isn't immoral to claim it, it would be immoral for a father not to provide for his child relationship or not.
And remember that you don't get any prizes for not claiming and struggling. You are doing your child a disservice if you don't claim it and give you and your child a better life. And let's be completely honest- anything you are given in child maintenance doesn't really cover a fraction of what a child needs growing up.

That would make me claim CMS more tbh! My ex periodically stops seeing my son and so do all his family, they are all arseholes.

My son is very aware that if he treated any children in the same way his father and his treated him, that I would not stop seeing his children. I would chose his children over him if he ever dared to give me an ultimatum like that.

Your son is entitled to that money so get it. Don't be bullied by those pricks!

At the end of the day, any man having sex is AGREEING to child maintenance as a consequence.
No sex no baby.

[quote Lostandlonely94]@Snaketime- I agree with this post entirely. I don’t blame anyone for claiming but just because they are “entitled” too shouldn’t mean they should claim it. He told you before you had the baby that he didn’t want it and he would not be involved so you approaching his mum was very wrong in my opinion.

I think men or women should have some legal options for when they say they do not want the baby and they will not be involved because yes he chose to have sex but you were on contraception and it failed.. that was not his fault but it’s now going to cost him for years. I think it is bullshit in my opinion that men or women can be made to pay maintenance for a child they do not want.

There should be a form that is signed by both parties to say that maintenance cannot be requested as the father does not want to be involved with the child even though they have been made aware and the mother is happy to go along with this pregnancy even though that is the case.. if you are made aware they don’t want the baby but you still go ahead I think it’s disgusting you then start approaching the other party for money.. you should be supporting the child yourself

This is only my opinion though so if I ever got pregnant and the other party did not want the child.. I would either continue knowing well that was the case but not expecting them to assist with finances or terminate the pregnancy if I could not manage on my own and I knew the father did not want to know.[/quote]
He refused to double up on contraception by wearing a condom, so was fully relying on the pill knowing it was a risk and could fail. A decision he made.

The decision of whether he wants a baby or not comes before conception not afterwards. You don't get to absolve yourself of responsibility by saying either you have an abortion or I'm not involved, then argue that you have no responsibility because the woman didn't have an abortion. What ridiculousness.

Ignore @toocold54

clearly there's an agenda 🌸

I don’t blame anyone for claiming but just because they are “entitled” too shouldn’t mean they should claim it. He told you before you had the baby that he didn’t want it and he would not be involved so you approaching his mum was very wrong in my opinion.

I completely agree.

@toocold54

I don’t blame anyone for claiming but just because they are “entitled” too shouldn’t mean they should claim it. He told you before you had the baby that he didn’t want it and he would not be involved so you approaching his mum was very wrong in my opinion.

I completely agree.

how utterly exasperating 😂

clearly there's an agenda

Just because I have a different opinion than you? How pathetic!

I am just giving OP the advice from someone who has been in a similar situation. She doesn’t need to take it as she doesn’t need to take anyone’s advice on here.

I can’t stand when people ask for opinions and they don’t accept anything other than their own ideas. I bet you’re so much fun to be around.

Toocold54, maybe men and boys need more education about sex, instead of trying to should out of the results of having sex, then wanting to run away.
No SEX, no BABY.
See it is so simple....works 100% of the time...

@toocold54

clearly there's an agenda

Just because I have a different opinion than you? How pathetic!

I am just giving OP the advice from someone who has been in a similar situation. She doesn’t need to take it as she doesn’t need to take anyone’s advice on here.

I can’t stand when people ask for opinions and they don’t accept anything other than their own ideas. I bet you’re so much fun to be around.

Yes you're not in favour of Men supporting their children....

We noticed that throughout the Thread...

Men should support their Children The End. 🌸

Definitely claim for cm. Not just for the money side but also because when your son is a teen and asking about his father the one positive you’ll be able to tell him is that although your father hasn’t been in your life he has always and consistently supported you financially.

I would be as kind to his mother as you can - she’s in an impossible position. I would let her know honestly that you are claiming, tell her that you would still like her to have contact with your son, let her know you are happy to keep that contact private and not tell ex, and that the door is open.

I suspect a fight between you and his mum would serve ex very well as an excuse for no contact so I wouldn’t give him the satisfaction.....

@Bollindger

Toocold54, maybe men and boys need more education about sex, instead of trying to should out of the results of having sex, then wanting to run away. No SEX, no BABY. See it is so simple....works 100% of the time...

sure does ... 🎉

@Whoarethewho

Claim CMS that is your right. but Men really need proper contraception choices to stop this. They are discriminated against because they only have permanent contraception or condoms giving women complete control. Personally I would only have sex with someone who has the implant and you can feel it before DTD for proof and even then double protect with condoms. And dispose of them appropriately because the contents of that little bag of latex could you you paying out many thousands and potentially taking pay increases in the future.

Discriminated!!! Your poor poor violated man! You have clear contraception choices and safer options for that matter. Women can suffer strokes, DVT and many more side effects because of our contraception options. But I honestly wouldn't worry yourself about us devious women trying to steal your essence. Do the world a favour and keep your little swimmers to yourself. 🤦‍♀️

Yes you're not in favour of Men supporting their children

😂😂 right ok

@toocold54

Yes you're not in favour of Men supporting their children

😂😂 right ok

there you go..

we finally agree 🌸

@toocold54

You can still claim CMS regardless of whether the father of the child is on the birth certificate.

You are right but he can also go to court and get his name put on the BC.

He wasn’t telling her what do to with her body. But he told her the outcome of what would happen if she did.

If my partner wanted to have a sex change and I said I don’t want to be with you if you go ahead with it but they do it anyway I shouldn’t have to stay with them. I’m not telling them what to do with their body I am telling them the outcome of what would happen if they choose either way.

But the OP’s situation is completely different. The only legal and moral way of deciding not to have a baby is done BEFORE getting pregnant. Take precautions- don’t get the woman pregnant…. It’s too late to decide AFTER the woman is pregnant because there is another life involved. At that point it’s the woman’s choice ONLY whether she puts herself through the heartache of an abortion. It doesn’t matter what the man tells her he will do if she carries on with her pregnancy- he is legally the father and legally responsible. I can understand him being fed up, but it’s not some new law been sprung upon him…

@Bri102 it's not your money. It's not the father's money. It's not the grandparent's money. It's your ds's money.

You should claim what is your ds's right on his behalf.

I got pregnant unplanned with my now fiancé and my first worry that he would not be happy and that he would leave me. We actually knew we wanted children together and we had had discussions but it happened sooner than planned. He was actually really happy with the news but he did agree the timing was off so I told him I was prepared to terminate as I knew we would not be ready and we settled on that.. he came home from work today to say that he thought we could actually make it work and we should keep the baby. This meant I didn’t lose him and we had our little girl..

However we had not been together overly long and if he said it was me or the baby and I chose baby then I certainly would not be thinking well he said he didn’t want her so I can just claim money instead and I certainly wouldn’t have approached his family introducing her to her grandad without the permission or anything from the babies father. No wonder he gave her an ultimatum and said sorry mum but I didn’t want this baby and she was on protection but chose to go ahead anyway.. I assume if you were on protection but it failed you in some shape or form weren’t planning a baby so why do you now think because you changed your mind he should be paying for that

It’s all kind of wrong in my opinion and I think there should be a legal document that men can sign when they have said from day one that they aren’t wanting to be part of the baby's life.. he cannot force abortion or anything and I am not saying they should have any say in that but to then be made to pay for it is a bit unfair.

And for the posters who are saying no sex no baby.. I am sorry but please raise your hand if you know any man who will choose to double up on contraception when they know there is already supposed to be. Maybe the OP should have been using two forms of protection.. Yes maybe men should be raised that actually if you choose to have sex with a woman.. they have the right to keep the baby and then push the financial burden onto you when you have stated you don’t want any involvement.

If this is the attitude women have towards making a man pay for getting them pregnant but saying sorry not sorry but I don’t want this pregnancy to go ahead and if it does I do want any involvement than I will certainly be telling my son when he is older that he needs to protect himself from these types of scenarios. Or maybe we should be teaching both men and women that sex is not for fun and not for pleasure and that it is only for procreation and that is that 🙄

Tell her if he does not want children he should wrap it. You can't go screwing around without using protection yourself and not expect these things to happen. The same as a woman can't expect him to use a condom and expect not to get pregnant. No method is 100 percent guaranteed to prevent pregnancy and you were both responsible for preventing it. The child is now here and he is legally obligated to support the child so he should shut up and get on with it. Whether he chooses a relationship with the child or not is irrelevant. It's not an either or situation and just because you do or don't see a child it does not mean you can walk away Scott free. Point out to his mother the child has needs and they do not just fall on you. He was happy enough to have sex with you now he has to live with the responsibility that action entales.

So in other words your telling your son to double up, to protect himself. Which is just what we are saying.
The second there is sex a baby could happen. That is life.
From that second there is no opt out.

Me'n like this are scumbags. Go directly to CSA give no hecks.

@toocold54 he is absolutely telling her what to do with her body when he demands she have an abortion.

He chose not to wear a condom and have PIV sex.

OP got pregnant.

It was his CHOICE to gamble on impregnating his sexual partner and he lost the gamble.

You don’t get to tell someone to put chemicals in their body or have an operation to remove the results of that choice you made. You don’t get to tell someone what to do with their body.

His choice was to not wear a condom and have sex. So what if he didn’t want a baby. His actions weren’t preventing a baby from being conceived were they?

If OP tied him down and forced him to impregnate her then we’d have a discussion about the morality of her forcing her choices on the man.

In this case the man refused to take steps to ensure he did not conceive any more children.

It’s his own stupid fault.

For example (as you love analogies so much), if he didn’t want to get burned he shouldn’t stick his hand (or dick) into a fire. Chances are he’ll get burned.

But the OP’s situation is completely different. The only legal and moral way of deciding not to have a baby is done BEFORE getting pregnant. Take precautions- don’t get the woman pregnant

But there was precautions - she was already on birth control to stop from getting pregnant.
Yes he could have worn a condom but most people don’t do both and if she’s already on birth control that’s a pretty sure sign that she doesn’t want to have a baby.

then I certainly would not be thinking well he said he didn’t want her so I can just claim money instead.

this is a Joke right ?

you're taking the PISS

For example (as you love analogies so much), if he didn’t want to get burned he shouldn’t stick his hand (or dick) into a fire. Chances are he’ll get burned.

This analogy would work if there was no birth control. But there was.