Am I being unreasonable asking for child maintenance

[Bri102]

First time writing a post and it's a bit long so apologies.

I fell pregnant with my son during lockdown, bit of a surprise as I was on birth control. The father straight away said I should get an abortion due to the fact he was unplanned, im so grateful everyday I didn't as my son is a beautiful funny little 6 month old now. The dad has never met him and had changed his mind a few times about meeting him but this has come to a head and he now says it's impossible for him to meet my son, due to the fact I have asked for child maintenance, my maternity leave is ending soon and it is going to cost £600 a month for nursery fees alone.

Whilst I was pregnant I reached out to the father's mum to ask if she wanted a relationship with my son, she jumped at the chance and we have been seeing each other frequently since I was pregnant. Shortly after my son was born she said if she was me she would go for child maintenance, as her son should take some sort of responsibility for my son. However, she came to see my son yesterday and told me im morally wrong to ask for any maintenance as her son did not wish for me to continue the pregnancy and it was my decision and mine alone, he did not have any choice in the matter. She said I should not have continued the pregnancy if I could not financially support the baby myself. I can support the baby and my other son but after the nursery fees, we will not have much left for food and everyday needs. She asked me if I would drop the case as her son has given her the ultimatum of him and her other 2 grandchildren or my son and she is going to chose her son the babys dad, and she is prepared to walk out of my sons life. I'm devastated for my son not only will he feel abandoned by his father but now by his family also. My sons father has also never met his dad and recently tried to contact him and his dad didn't want to know him and denied having a son, it has apparently really effected him, but he is willing to do it to his own son which I cannot understand. Don't know if it's worth noting he already has two other children who he sees twice a week and pays child maintenance for to his ex.

I just want to know if I am in the wrong and should just drop the child maintenance and basically walk away from the family before my son is old enough to remember his nan and aunties who are willing to walk away if the dad is adamant on the ultimatum.

Thanks for reading and any advice, sorry it was long.

Children aren't pay per view. I'd be more sympathetic if he said he could do 50/50 care but not contribute.

I agree.
But you wouldn’t conceive a child via a sperm donation and then expect the sperm donor to provide maintenance.
This is exactly the same.
OP had a choice and she chose to have the baby knowing the father wouldn’t be involved.

WTAF

some of the responses on this Thread are straight out of the 1930's...

Next you'll be condemned for having Sex out of wedlock...

ignore those Posters that believe decisions about your Body should be controlled by a Man ..

Get your claim for CMS in today 🌸

We are so used historically to men being able to walk away from pregnancies they cause without a thought for the woman or child they are leaving behind.

Now with DNA tests and laws about child maintenance, all these reckless ejaculators are up in arms about poor old men not having a choice when it comes to termination, continuing a pregnancy, or providing financial support for the child they have fathered.

Men have plenty of choices, historically they have enjoyed more and safer choices than women. It's only been very recently that woman have been given a few more options and those options are still not 100% reliable or safe.

You would think that knowing that all men's reproductive choices need to be made before a pregnancy occurs, and men do know this, would make them more careful and responsible about what they do with their penises but sadly not.

Make the claim OP.

He’s already got 2 other children so it shouldn’t have come as a surprise to him that sex can and often does result in pregnancy. He didn’t want another child and yet he still didn’t bother to take any responsibility at all for his contraceptive choices, why the hell should you bail him out by taking on all of the financial burden of his lack of responsibility? Not to mention sole responsibility for bringing up his child?!
And as for comparing this situation to buying a dog as 1 half of a couple and then expecting financial support on splitting up. Only 1 person bought the dog, without the agreement of the other person in the couple; when you have sex, that’s both of you choosing to have sex and knowing that sex can result in a baby. It’s not the same at all

Sex equals a baby.
How hard is that too get a grip on.
You can't FORCE a medical procedure on a person, even if it is just pills.

@QueenBee52

WTAF

some of the responses on this Thread are straight out of the 1930's...

Next you'll be condemned for having Sex out of wedlock...

ignore those Posters that believe decisions about your Body should be controlled by a Man ..

Get your claim for CMS in today 🌸

This. Ffs. What is wrong with some women?! Stop playing the martyr.

Absolutely continue the claim. These people are scum expecting a child to suffer financially because the child’s existence is an inconvenience to them.

I sometimes think males should have to pay a 'child tax' that goes to fund children.

Not quite a tax, a sort of savings thing a bit like NI that they can only pay to children, if they have no children at retirement then they should get a payment.

@toocold54

I was in your situation a few years ago. I was on the pill and I still got pregnant and the dad said he wouldn’t be involved if I went through with the pregnancy. So I made my decision that I would keep the baby as raise it as a single mother. That was my choice and I didn’t ask for maintenance or help because he was upfront and said he wouldn’t be involved. So I don’t think it’s fair to then turn around and ask for maintenance when it wasn’t his decision.

A few years later he wanted to be involved and after much stress of him planning to see her and not showing up etc I said if he wanted to be involved he would need to be properly involved and see her regularly and pay maintenance.

I don’t think it’s fair if you ask for maintenance from him if he is not seeing the child and told you that would be the case from day 1.

Day 1 is not the day she found out she was pregnant, day 1 was the day he had unprotected sex knowing the risk of pregnancy. Going ahead with sex knowing the risks was his decision.

ignore those Posters that believe decisions about your Body should be controlled by a Man

This is all well and good saying this unless OP decides she doesn’t want him on the BC or have PR, which some people would prefer.

He said he wouldn’t be involved and she went ahead knowing this.

100% claim it. Can't be doing with men who don't seem to know the potential outcomes of sex!
Also think twice about having his mum around too, she sounds manipulative and enabling of his lackwit behaviour

@toocold54

Children aren't pay per view. I'd be more sympathetic if he said he could do 50/50 care but not contribute.

I agree.
But you wouldn’t conceive a child via a sperm donation and then expect the sperm donor to provide maintenance.
This is exactly the same.
OP had a choice and she chose to have the baby knowing the father wouldn’t be involved.

No, it's not remotely the same, never mind exactly the same.

I agree with her to be honest but legally you can claim

Why bother meeting his mother to say she can't see the child. Just stop contact.

Day 1 is not the day she found out she was pregnant, day 1 was the day he had unprotected sex knowing the risk of pregnancy. Going ahead with sex knowing the risks was his decision.

OP was on birth control which failed. If someone is on birth control it is usually to stop unwanted pregnancies. If he had said stop taking your pill or she wasn’t on anything and then she got pregnant then fair enough but he was having sex with someone who was taking measures to not get pregnant therefore you can’t act shocked that he didn’t want to be a part of the pregnancy as he wouldn’t have had sex with her otherwise. Obviously he could have worn a condom as well but most couples don’t use both all of the time.

You absolutely do need to claim maintenance and he is being very cruel. He has even manipulated his mum to refuse to see her grandchild in order to stack the pressure on - he obviously doesn't care about her feelings either!

@toocold54 But this wasn't a sperm donor. She was in a sexual rel with a man who could have taken his own precautions not to have another child. Why should she have to have a procedure that could have lasting physical and psychological harm on her for the sake of him not taking financial responsibility

@toocold54

Day 1 is not the day she found out she was pregnant, day 1 was the day he had unprotected sex knowing the risk of pregnancy. Going ahead with sex knowing the risks was his decision.

OP was on birth control which failed. If someone is on birth control it is usually to stop unwanted pregnancies. If he had said stop taking your pill or she wasn’t on anything and then she got pregnant then fair enough but he was having sex with someone who was taking measures to not get pregnant therefore you can’t act shocked that he didn’t want to be a part of the pregnancy as he wouldn’t have had sex with her otherwise. Obviously he could have worn a condom as well but most couples don’t use both all of the time.

It's a well known fact the birth control fails. It's still a risk, and a risk he took knowingly. He could have worn a condom to minimise it, or abstained to avoid it all together.

It failed for OP as much as it did for him, but OP is left with the consequences (whether that is deciding to have an abortion - which can be extremely emotionally traumatic so can never be forced on someone for the comfort of another - or continuing with pregnancy) while he gets to walk away.

If you read OPs previous posts, he also refused to wear a condom. An active choice he made.

@toocold54

ignore those Posters that believe decisions about your Body should be controlled by a Man

This is all well and good saying this unless OP decides she doesn’t want him on the BC or have PR, which some people would prefer.

He said he wouldn’t be involved and she went ahead knowing this.

You can still claim CMS regardless of whether the father of the child is on the birth certificate.

Getting pregnant by sperm donor is completely irrelevant and nothing approaching a scenario of a couple having sex and the man refusing to wear a condom.

Both parties have a choice at the point of having sex to take charge of their fertility.

Men have no say over what a woman does fo her body, abortions come with their own risk and no woman should ever be forced to keep or abort a foetus unless she chooses to.

Men know this.

Therefore if a man chooses to have unprotected sex with a partner he should accept there’s a chance he may be expected to financially support a child nine months down the line.

If you don’t want a baby don’t have PIV sex. It’s fairly straightforward.

Let's say Richard...Dick
Dick doesn't want to use a condom.
So Dick goes shagging, over 3 months 30 women all using different methods all fall pregnant.

So Dick isn't to blame.

Irrespective of how the conception of the child came about, your son's father is morally and legally responsible for maintaining him. Very black and white for me.

You can still claim CMS regardless of whether the father of the child is on the birth certificate.

You are right but he can also go to court and get his name put on the BC.

He wasn’t telling her what do to with her body. But he told her the outcome of what would happen if she did.

If my partner wanted to have a sex change and I said I don’t want to be with you if you go ahead with it but they do it anyway I shouldn’t have to stay with them. I’m not telling them what to do with their body I am telling them the outcome of what would happen if they choose either way.

@toocold54

You can still claim CMS regardless of whether the father of the child is on the birth certificate.

You are right but he can also go to court and get his name put on the BC.

He wasn’t telling her what do to with her body. But he told her the outcome of what would happen if she did.

If my partner wanted to have a sex change and I said I don’t want to be with you if you go ahead with it but they do it anyway I shouldn’t have to stay with them. I’m not telling them what to do with their body I am telling them the outcome of what would happen if they choose either way.

You're comparing apples to oranges. What nonsense.

The law is on the side of OP for a reason. You can argue until you are blue in the face.

@Snaketime- I agree with this post entirely. I don’t blame anyone for claiming but just because they are “entitled” too shouldn’t mean they should claim it. He told you before you had the baby that he didn’t want it and he would not be involved so you approaching his mum was very wrong in my opinion.

I think men or women should have some legal options for when they say they do not want the baby and they will not be involved because yes he chose to have sex but you were on contraception and it failed.. that was not his fault but it’s now going to cost him for years. I think it is bullshit in my opinion that men or women can be made to pay maintenance for a child they do not want.

There should be a form that is signed by both parties to say that maintenance cannot be requested as the father does not want to be involved with the child even though they have been made aware and the mother is happy to go along with this pregnancy even though that is the case.. if you are made aware they don’t want the baby but you still go ahead I think it’s disgusting you then start approaching the other party for money.. you should be supporting the child yourself

This is only my opinion though so if I ever got pregnant and the other party did not want the child.. I would either continue knowing well that was the case but not expecting them to assist with finances or terminate the pregnancy if I could not manage on my own and I knew the father did not want to know.

@toocold54 I gave him every opportunity to go on the birth certificate, after saying he wanted to go on it, he did not turn up for the appointment, so court is an unlikely route he will take.

Gosh he sounds a lovely man OP.

Of course you should claim maintenance - he has a legal obligation to provide for his child and the child has a legal right to be maintained. It's bollocks that he told you what would happen if you got pregnant. He impregnated you!

Put your child first and claim everything you are entitled to. He sounds vile giving his mum an ultimatum. Horrible man.