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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Am I being unreasonable asking for child maintenance

406 replies

Bri102 · 25/07/2021 09:31

First time writing a post and it's a bit long so apologies.

I fell pregnant with my son during lockdown, bit of a surprise as I was on birth control. The father straight away said I should get an abortion due to the fact he was unplanned, im so grateful everyday I didn't as my son is a beautiful funny little 6 month old now. The dad has never met him and had changed his mind a few times about meeting him but this has come to a head and he now says it's impossible for him to meet my son, due to the fact I have asked for child maintenance, my maternity leave is ending soon and it is going to cost £600 a month for nursery fees alone.

Whilst I was pregnant I reached out to the father's mum to ask if she wanted a relationship with my son, she jumped at the chance and we have been seeing each other frequently since I was pregnant. Shortly after my son was born she said if she was me she would go for child maintenance, as her son should take some sort of responsibility for my son. However, she came to see my son yesterday and told me im morally wrong to ask for any maintenance as her son did not wish for me to continue the pregnancy and it was my decision and mine alone, he did not have any choice in the matter. She said I should not have continued the pregnancy if I could not financially support the baby myself. I can support the baby and my other son but after the nursery fees, we will not have much left for food and everyday needs. She asked me if I would drop the case as her son has given her the ultimatum of him and her other 2 grandchildren or my son and she is going to chose her son the babys dad, and she is prepared to walk out of my sons life. I'm devastated for my son not only will he feel abandoned by his father but now by his family also. My sons father has also never met his dad and recently tried to contact him and his dad didn't want to know him and denied having a son, it has apparently really effected him, but he is willing to do it to his own son which I cannot understand. Don't know if it's worth noting he already has two other children who he sees twice a week and pays child maintenance for to his ex.

I just want to know if I am in the wrong and should just drop the child maintenance and basically walk away from the family before my son is old enough to remember his nan and aunties who are willing to walk away if the dad is adamant on the ultimatum.

Thanks for reading and any advice, sorry it was long.

OP posts:
belle40 · 25/07/2021 17:14

Sorry OP. You must be exceptionally disappointed in the father of your baby. What a scumbag and shame on his mother for condoning his actions. My ex is similar in that he has three older children who he 'adores' but he won't acknowledge our child. He does pay maintenance though and this is essential. You must claim CMS. If you don't 'need' the money, put it in a bank account for your baby. I don't know if you are aware but grandparents have no legal rights to their grandchildren. I would be inclined to cut his mother off. I would be concerned that her manipulation would continue. Good luck and congratulations on your baby.

pointythings · 25/07/2021 17:14

If men don't want to be involved, they should not have PIV sex. Men are also allowed to say no.

TheWeeDonkey · 25/07/2021 17:15

@pointythings

He didn't want a baby.

But chose not to wear a condom.

So he can't turn around now and act like he wasn't aware of the risks.

Exactly. Lots of men didn't want HIV but chose not to wear a condom and they don't get to walk away from their bad choices. All these hand wringers whining about women expecting men to step up.

You do know an unplanned pregnancy is not the worst outcome of not taking a responsibility for your sexual health?

Honestly I have no time for feckless men who leave a trail of destruction everywhere they go.

QueenBee52 · 25/07/2021 17:16

I just don’t think it is fair for men to be forced into paying when they have made it perfectly known that they do not want to be involved.

the Law says different

BrandNewHeretic · 25/07/2021 17:18

@toocold54 I am one of the women who have actually been in the situation. I got pregnant while having the implant. We broke up before I found out I was pregnant. The father expressed his view that he would rather not have a child, but I could not put myself through having an abortion. I didn't go through CMS to claim maintenance, because DDs father is a decent man who accepted his joint responsibility, and provides for the child he helped to make, both in terms of time and money without me having to chase him for it. Because our child is the consequence of both of us having sex. Not just me. He could have worn a condom, or had a vasectomy, or just not had sex with me knowing that no birth control is 100%. But he did, and in doing so committed himself to whatever consequence came of that!

toocold54 · 25/07/2021 17:18

She's entitled to CMS .. the Law says so ☺️

The face is unnecessary. The child is not a meal ticket for you to get one over on the man.
If OP wants to go for maintenance she should but not just because the ‘law says so’.

Lostandlonely94 · 25/07/2021 17:18

Well the law sucks then and I would not be forcing any man to agree with my decisions and pay for it.

Also my opinion is the same with people claiming benefits “just because they can and the system says they are entitled too it” Hmm

QueenBee52 · 25/07/2021 17:19

@toocold54

She's entitled to CMS .. the Law says so ☺️

The face is unnecessary. The child is not a meal ticket for you to get one over on the man.
If OP wants to go for maintenance she should but not just because the ‘law says so’.

The Law agrees with OP ☺️

BrandNewHeretic · 25/07/2021 17:21

@Lostandlonely94

I agree *@toocold54* that they had the discussion about babies quite regularly by the sounds of it so if she knew his thoughts then she could be managing this pregnancy and little boy on her own.

I can see why my OH’s friend jumped to the conclusion that I had “trapped” him when there seems to be so many cases of intentional or unintentional trappings going on. I told them numerous times that he had been the one to decide we should carry on with the pregnancy and he told them the same but they didn’t believe him. It may have been because they all knew of cases where women have chosen to keep the babies and then starting requesting support even when the father didn’t want to be involved. My OH ended up cutting them out of his life because he couldn’t change their thoughts on me and our DD but what can you do.

I just don’t think it is fair for men to be forced into paying when they have made it perfectly known that they do not want to be involved.

Then they need to have vasectomies or not have sex. They are capable of being in control of their own reproduction.
toocold54 · 25/07/2021 17:23

I didn't go through CMS to claim maintenance, because DDs father is a decent man who accepted his joint responsibility, and provides for the child he helped to make, both in terms of time and money without me having to chase him for it.

But then you’re not in the same situation.
We are talking about men who doesn’t want a child and are not involved at all. So are essentially a sperm doner. He told OP this is exactly what would happen.

If your ex said the same then you may have felt differently too. You may have chosen to gone for CMS or you may have chosen not to. You can’t say unless you are in that situation.

BrandNewHeretic · 25/07/2021 17:25

@toocold54

She's entitled to CMS .. the Law says so ☺️

The face is unnecessary. The child is not a meal ticket for you to get one over on the man.
If OP wants to go for maintenance she should but not just because the ‘law says so’.

How much do you think CMS is for women to be having babies as meal tickets? Fgs.

The maintenance isn't for the woman or if she wants it. It's to provide for the child the man helped to make.

CantBeAssed · 25/07/2021 17:25

"toocold54...well said...it isn't a meal ticket...every situation is different. Some posters view things with a very black and white attitude.

CorianderBee · 25/07/2021 17:25

They don't get to make the choice by not being involved. The choice is made when they have sex and that sex makes a baby.

QueenBee52 · 25/07/2021 17:26

@CantBeAssed

"toocold54...well said...it isn't a meal ticket...every situation is different. Some posters view things with a very black and white attitude.

the Law says OP is entitled to claim CMS for her Child ☺️

frazzledasarock · 25/07/2021 17:26

@toocold54

She's entitled to CMS .. the Law says so ☺️

The face is unnecessary. The child is not a meal ticket for you to get one over on the man.
If OP wants to go for maintenance she should but not just because the ‘law says so’.

Anyone in receipt of child maintenance knows how much it is NOT a meal ticket not for the child never mind the mother 🙄

Men who do not want children or to pay child maintenance should not have unprotected sex. Would be in their own interests to abstain from PIV sex at all. Their knobs won’t drop off.

TheWeeDonkey · 25/07/2021 17:27

@Lostandlonely94

Well the law sucks then and I would not be forcing any man to agree with my decisions and pay for it.

Also my opinion is the same with people claiming benefits “just because they can and the system says they are entitled too it” Hmm

I'm wondering where all this caping for useless men gets you. Must be awful to be so desperate for a pat on the head.
BlueLobelia · 25/07/2021 17:28

Anyone who puts their info into the child manintenance calculator (available online) can see perfectly well it is not a meal ticket.

It is a means by which the non-residential parent can contribute (usually) a very small (and often wholly inadequate) amount to the upkeep of a child they have brought into the world.

HTH

mbosnz · 25/07/2021 17:29

If a man doesn't want to run the risk of a pregnancy which he would not wish to support, then what he needs to do, is put a cap on it. Or alternatively, think with the big head, rather than the little head, and not have PIV sex. That is when he gets to make his choice about whether to risk creating a new little life, that never asked to be brought into being. The only time he gets to make that choice. He certainly has no right to demand a woman have an abortion, to accommodate his whims.

You'd think having had two children already, he'd have figured out cause and effect by now, silly man.

The child has the right to have the financial support of both people who enjoyed the moment, regardless of whether one of those people would seek to evade their responsibilities to that child. That is something, by law, that he can not opt out from. And neither should he be able to do so. He played, now he pays.

TheWeeDonkey · 25/07/2021 17:31

@toocold54

She's entitled to CMS .. the Law says so ☺️

The face is unnecessary. The child is not a meal ticket for you to get one over on the man.
If OP wants to go for maintenance she should but not just because the ‘law says so’.

Oh look at the mask slipping. Meal ticket? Really?
frazzledasarock · 25/07/2021 17:31

@toocold54

I didn't go through CMS to claim maintenance, because DDs father is a decent man who accepted his joint responsibility, and provides for the child he helped to make, both in terms of time and money without me having to chase him for it.

But then you’re not in the same situation.
We are talking about men who doesn’t want a child and are not involved at all. So are essentially a sperm doner. He told OP this is exactly what would happen.

If your ex said the same then you may have felt differently too. You may have chosen to gone for CMS or you may have chosen not to. You can’t say unless you are in that situation.

He’s not a speak donor he actively willingly had unprotected sex. Never mind that OP was using contraception HE WASN'T.

He actively CHOSE not to use any contraception himself.

He’s really stupid is what he is.

BrandNewHeretic · 25/07/2021 17:32

@toocold54

I didn't go through CMS to claim maintenance, because DDs father is a decent man who accepted his joint responsibility, and provides for the child he helped to make, both in terms of time and money without me having to chase him for it.

But then you’re not in the same situation.
We are talking about men who doesn’t want a child and are not involved at all. So are essentially a sperm doner. He told OP this is exactly what would happen.

If your ex said the same then you may have felt differently too. You may have chosen to gone for CMS or you may have chosen not to. You can’t say unless you are in that situation.

He told me he didn't want a child. I did write that in the post, you must have missed it. He just had the decency to know that it didn't absolve him of responsibility by saying it after he already got me pregnant. That ship had sailed.

I 100% would have gone for CMS had he not have stepped up, as it would have been in the best interest of my daughter. My point was, that I didn't have to because he did the right thing accepting his responsibilities. No woman should have to go through CMS as men should be stepping up and dealing with the consequences and responsibilities of having sex. Not simply dictating that women should have abortions or go it alone. Issuing such immoral ultimatums to excuse him or make him a victim.

Lostandlonely94 · 25/07/2021 17:34

@TheWeeDonkey 😂 I’m not expecting a pat on the head. I just believe in what is fair and I think all these women who are saying equal rights in the work place etc etc. are only interested as long as it serves them.

The law says the woman has a right to claim CMS for her child but the poor man gets shifted with that when he said from the beginning that he was not supporting this decision. The women pretty much trump in all aspects.. can get rid of a baby even if the dad wants the baby, can keep a baby even if the dad doesn’t want the baby.

Maybe having a baby should be more of a legal procedure or contract and all men store their sperm until they are ready to have a baby the woman and man can sign something to say they want to release the sperm to her in order to create a baby but then the man can have a vasectomy so sex is kept for fun not procreation rather than the other way around.

Sperm donation would continue but there would be a different system where men provide their sperm and they sign it away and then women choose from the sperm donations available.

CantBeAssed · 25/07/2021 17:34

"QueenBee52...the law says I'm entitled to CSM...however, my ex progressed on to drug dealing when I ended the relationship....are you saying I should "claim anyway" and raise my son on the proceeds of drugs?Hmm

frazzledasarock · 25/07/2021 17:36

[quote Lostandlonely94]@TheWeeDonkey 😂 I’m not expecting a pat on the head. I just believe in what is fair and I think all these women who are saying equal rights in the work place etc etc. are only interested as long as it serves them.

The law says the woman has a right to claim CMS for her child but the poor man gets shifted with that when he said from the beginning that he was not supporting this decision. The women pretty much trump in all aspects.. can get rid of a baby even if the dad wants the baby, can keep a baby even if the dad doesn’t want the baby.

Maybe having a baby should be more of a legal procedure or contract and all men store their sperm until they are ready to have a baby the woman and man can sign something to say they want to release the sperm to her in order to create a baby but then the man can have a vasectomy so sex is kept for fun not procreation rather than the other way around.

Sperm donation would continue but there would be a different system where men provide their sperm and they sign it away and then women choose from the sperm donations available.[/quote]
How would it become a legal pressure pray tell?

Forcing women to have abortions and medical procedures against their will?

It’s very very easy if you don’t want a child.

Don’t fuck around with unprotected abandon.

toocold54 · 25/07/2021 17:36

I'm wondering where all this caping for useless men gets you. Must be awful to be so desperate for a pat on the head.

😂😂 wow some women really can’t cope if someone dares say a man isn’t 100% wrong.

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