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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

New man sees spirits and it freaks me out. AIBU?

184 replies

iseedeadpeoplehelp · 25/07/2021 06:00

New guy, very sweet and kind, good job, interesting and sincere.
But he tells me he sees spirits and if he stays in an old house/building they can keep him awake. I don't like anything woo and it's making me uncomfortable. Thoughts?

OP posts:
YouWereGr8InLittleMenstruators · 25/07/2021 09:25

Hm. The spirits thing wouldn't bother me as much as the anxiety. Living with someone with generalised anxiety, which I have done for 20 years, can be difficult, however well it is managed. It is something which DP mentioned sort of in passing when we first met, and because it wasn't causing any issues at the time, I didn't really think much of it. In the years since, it has morphed, and raised its head and subsided again more times than I care to remember, periodically impacting pretty much every area of our lives, only to become seemingly dormant again as he gets on top of it. Like your friend, DP's job demands a great deal of responsibility and management of staff, resulting in significant 'masking' of anxious impulses at work, which is exhausting. It is the unpredictable nature of it that has worn me out, always factoring in that the anxiety might surface or find a new thing to focus on.
Your new friend is telling you something very important; listen to him and ask him about how his anxiety manifests and how he manages it day to day.

Novelusername · 25/07/2021 09:27

I know a guy who claims to see spirits. He's otherwise very down to earth, nice person, not incredibly bright though. Had a difficult childhood and I think it probably started there, I think it gives him comfort to believe there's more out there than just this life.

lynsey91 · 25/07/2021 09:27

Wow a thread full of sneering posters absolutely positive that they know for sure there are no such things as ghosts or spiritis.

None of you know for sure and your arrogance that you do makes me laugh. I think I would rather know the OP's boyfriend then any of you

FittedSheet · 25/07/2021 09:29

@lynsey91

Wow a thread full of sneering posters absolutely positive that they know for sure there are no such things as ghosts or spiritis.

None of you know for sure and your arrogance that you do makes me laugh. I think I would rather know the OP's boyfriend then any of you

The ‘no evidence whatsoever’ thing will do that. Not to mention that credulousness of the woo brigade.
Shehasadiamondinthesky · 25/07/2021 09:34

Im a spiritual person and when I started to see things I was ok with it. However later on down the line I was diagnosed with a serious mental illness with hallucinations in the form of spirits whispering to me in the night and shadowy figures in the house. After I started taking medication they went away. Be careful he could have an undiagnosed psychiatric condition.

VestaTilley · 25/07/2021 09:35

Ditch him now; not worth it - he’ll be a weirdo or sadly rather unwell.

If he’s saying stuff like this at the start of a relationship when he’s trying to impress you, think what he’d be like five years down the line.

Run for the hills.

SmileyClare · 25/07/2021 09:36

I would rather know the Op's boyfriend than any of you

How would you handle it if you went on a mini break and your boyfriend stayed awake all night anxious because he was seeing spirits?
Would you encourage it, try to convince him he was imagining it or set fire to some sage to drive the spirits away?

It would all be quite a pain if you just wanted to get some sleep.

OldTinHat · 25/07/2021 09:38

Wouldn't worry me - I'd be comparing notes! I've freaked out previous partners before. I tend to keep it to myself now.

WouldBeGood · 25/07/2021 09:38

Each to their own but this wouldn’t be for me.

SarahBellam · 25/07/2021 09:39

I wouldn’t have enough respect for someone that gullible to date them so I’d be getting my coat and heading for the hills.

WouldBeGood · 25/07/2021 09:40

I don’t know if this is an issue for you or not @iseedeadpeoplehelp but I’d also be worried about this belief if dcs were to be involved.

I know lots of people do have these ideas though. But I couldn’t be arsed as I’m a total unbeliever.

comebacksunshines · 25/07/2021 09:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ilikeknitting · 25/07/2021 09:58

He is either delusional or a liar

This level of attention seeking/delusion would make my overies shrivel up!

I’d love to believe ghosts are real, but having spent way too many hours on YouTube watching so many obvious fakes I’m afraid if someone told me they saw spirits then I’d immediately label them as liars.

An obvious liar isn’t my first choice for a partner.

FrankButchersDickieBow · 25/07/2021 10:15

@lynsey91

Wow a thread full of sneering posters absolutely positive that they know for sure there are no such things as ghosts or spiritis.

None of you know for sure and your arrogance that you do makes me laugh. I think I would rather know the OP's boyfriend then any of you

🤣🤣 pm the OP. If she dumps him, she could pass his details on to you and you could discuss the validity of ghosts and spirits.

Your belief that ghosts exist makes me laugh.

hoodathunkit · 25/07/2021 10:19

Given that synesthesia exists, why dismiss someone perceiving things differently from other people? Some people do experience things that most people don't. They then have to come up with an explanation for it.

I have synesthenia and I perceive the world differently to other people.

Seeing spirits and ghosts is a different thing altogether though.

For me the issue of whether someone making such claims is friend / relationship material depends on a number of contextual issues.

For example, a friend from a native American tribe who grew up on rez and whose cultural and spiritual background includes a belief in spirits, or from another culture whose traditional religious beliefs included say ancestor spirits would be entirely different to a British person with no ancestral / familial history of such beliefs who claimed to see spritis / ghosts.

I do not belive in the Christian god however I would not preclude someone who does believe in that god as a friend, although I might do if they keep trying to convince me that I need to be "saved" and find Jesus.

Things that would put me off completely would be if the person

talked continually about spirits and ghosts and belief in such was central to their personal identity and created situations where this lead to them being "special" in narcisistically gratifying ways

included elements of cultural appropriation in their beliefs (e.g. native American in a past life, has native Amercian spirit guides)

included elements of invented ancient religious practices (e.g. Druidry)

included elements of cults associated with racism / white supremacy (e.g. the Steiner cult / anthroposophy, Atlantis / Lemuria, Theosophy, etc.)

has a business making money from anything to do with spirits / ghosts

has a network of powerful / influential friends, all because of their super special sprit / ghost perceiving abilities.

So really my answer is that it depends.

Anti-vaxxers who love crystal skulls, ancient aliens, the lost island of Atlantis, lizard people, etc. etc. I would run a mile

A thoughtful and apparently sane person who sees the world in a different way from others annd who is no using their ability to court money and attention from Royalty, celebrities etc. and who is modest and discreet about thier abilities, different thing altogether.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 25/07/2021 10:28

Posted above but just wanted to add my hallucinations started due to acute anxiety which was as a result of complex trauma. They started as whispering in the night and banging noises in the attic. My husband at the time didn't hear anything (not surprisingly) and gradually got worse.
I got a medium in who is also a friend and he said there was nothing present in my home.
Then when I got divorce things really ramped up probably due to the increased anxiety. Then I realised this was probably in my head and was referred.
Everytime my anxiety gets out of control again I start seeing shadowy figures but I know what they are now.
I am not dangerous and manage to hold down a senior position in the NHS without any problems but I have had to make a lot of lifestyle changes to manage the condition.
Hallucinations are much more common than you think, 1 in 20 people have had them without alcohol or drug involvement. Anxiety is the number one cause.
Can you talk to him about this without him getting upset?

TheCrowening · 25/07/2021 11:07

My friend dated a man who said he sensed spirits and was clairvoyant. He said it to make himself seem interesting, I think. Anyway, he turned out to be really abusive. Not that there’s a particular connection or your chap would be the same, of course. At best, I’d find it hard to take him seriously though.

TheCrowening · 25/07/2021 11:09

created situations where this lead to them being "special" in narcisistically gratifying ways

Yes, this was my friend’s ex.

I agree that it very much depends on how this belief is portrayed. It can be harmless, or it can be very grandiose.

Viviennemary · 25/07/2021 11:09

Run for the hills. He's a nutcase.

Malvarrosa · 25/07/2021 11:26

TBH no nights away, I have a healthy regard for things I don't understand and if he 'saw' something I would shit my pants!! Agreed, this could be a problem, but you could make a point of staying in relatively modern/new build properties. I don't think many ghosts probably haunt the Buchanan Galleries Premier Inn, for example, but who knows?

There's a spa hotel in Višegrad, Bosnia (Vilina Vlas) which was used as a rape camp and prisoners were also executed there during the Balkan Wars and then it opened back up to tourists after the war (and renovation). The documentary "For Those Who Can Tell No Tales" discusses how people who stayed at the hotel after the war felt anxious and couldn't sleep, even though they didn't know the history. I'd stay away from those kinds of places with a "Sensitive"!

MoreHairyThanScary · 25/07/2021 11:54

My father hears spirit, he does not attention seek ( no one outside our immediate family knows), I was very much 'not woo' but several things made me question and now I am far more open minded to other possibilities.

If he is kind and gentle and you like him it would not be a deal breaker for me. Maybe tell him your fears and you can discuss it a little more.

Rummikub · 25/07/2021 12:15

A no nonsense friend of mine sees things too. lovely person and very rarely talks about it.
Told me once that she went to view a house and walked straight out again - felt some presence.
I don’t believe in this stuff but I don’t dismiss those that do.
If he was deeply religious instead would that be more acceptable?

Hont1986 · 25/07/2021 12:44

I wouldn't be able to take him seriously or more crucially, respect him so it would be a deal-breaker for me.

PastMyBestBeforeDate · 25/07/2021 12:49

What is High Functioning Anxiety?

ClemDanFango · 25/07/2021 13:11

Why do ghosts never appear in your local KFC in circa 1980’s apparel? Always a great lady in old buildings in the middle of the night at the end of the bed blah blah. Someone needs to tell ghost HQ that that shit is getting old.