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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Mixing with deprived children?

329 replies

Thisneedsachange · 24/07/2021 20:04

I’ve changed my name for this but long term mumsnetter. I had a very sheltered but working class background, but mum was a social worker so I was sent to holiday clubs where she was working - with children from very deprived backgrounds and on child protection plans. My life experiences changed when I got a scholarship to private school and it’s been a middle class bubble since then - but I think those early exposures to how tough life can be for some gas the making of me. It’s made me more compassionate, more politically aware and I’ve volunteered since a teen working with deprived children.
My own 5 year old daughter has a very sheltered existence and so I’m thinking of sending her to a free church holiday club at the church I grew up with for a week this summer. It’s free because it’s a very deprived ward. We do have one friend who will go so she will be fine. As a child some things I was exposed to in these schemes aimed at deprived children really shocked me - bad language, bad behaviour, unhappy families..but by my teens I understood what was going on.
Am I unwise to consider this?
I contribute to the funds (although we don’t worship there as not Christian) so not concerned about taking financial advantage, just wondering if I should wait until my daughter is older to have these experiences?

OP posts:
mumof2exhausted · 24/07/2021 22:32

Utterly ridiculous. My children know how blessed / lucky / privileged they are as we talk about it. As someone else said they don’t need a “poverty safari”.

Mamatoabeauty · 24/07/2021 22:34

@Thisneedsachange I can’t believe how many people have berated you for your post. I think people are misunderstanding where you are coming from. I grew up (in poverty at times) on a huge council estate. I had the best childhood and aside from the lack of money extremely fond memories. I can only speak for myself but I would say the main difference between myself and friends that weren’t deprived (In fact some very well off) is that I was a lot more streetwise and less naive- which I think actually goes a very long way in life! I now have a “middle class” job as does my husband. We live in a fairly affluent area and I often think to myself about what I can do to ensure my little girl doesn’t grow up naive and sheltered. Unfortunately though I’m not sure at the age of 5 and for the short period of time your daughter would attend the club that it will achieve what are aiming for.

Sadiecow · 24/07/2021 22:35

@Crabbitcrab

It's a free club for those who need it not a petting zoo for mc children
This
NotPersephone · 24/07/2021 22:35

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

toothpicklover · 24/07/2021 22:36

Jesus, my child mixes with kids that go to private schools and they swear in front of their parents. I've never once heard my child swear and this is despite me having a rather potty mouth!! He is always picking people up for their language.

StMarysKettle · 24/07/2021 22:42

She doesn't need to see how privileged she is at 5 years old, especially if she's already kind and generous. Leave her to her innocence for a few years

PinniGig · 24/07/2021 22:57

[quote Mamatoabeauty]@Thisneedsachange I can’t believe how many people have berated you for your post. I think people are misunderstanding where you are coming from. I grew up (in poverty at times) on a huge council estate. I had the best childhood and aside from the lack of money extremely fond memories. I can only speak for myself but I would say the main difference between myself and friends that weren’t deprived (In fact some very well off) is that I was a lot more streetwise and less naive- which I think actually goes a very long way in life! I now have a “middle class” job as does my husband. We live in a fairly affluent area and I often think to myself about what I can do to ensure my little girl doesn’t grow up naive and sheltered. Unfortunately though I’m not sure at the age of 5 and for the short period of time your daughter would attend the club that it will achieve what are aiming for.[/quote]
I grew up piss poor and lived on a rough estate and agree that what we lacked in money and anything to show we made up for street smarts and general savvy.

I was a horsemad but too poor for lessons so took the offer of helping a gypsy cob dealer to back and school horses he bought cheap, brought on as ride and drives then sold at auction.

Rode with nothing but halter and ropes for I dunno how long and was ripped to shreds by the posh pony club girls when I ended up being accepted to spend a week long riding working holiday on a huge place that was a riding school and racing yard.

They ripped the piss out of me for being crap at the basic formalities tuition affords and I was genuinely baffled by their panic and frantic efforts to find about 20 halters and ropes so a group of horses that got loose from the field could be taken back.

It honestly never occured to me at the time how it must have pissed them off but I suggested hopping up on one of the horses using a halter and two ropes clipped on the side as makeshift reins and then someone else riding another at the back to catch any stragglers and we'd move them all in one go.

To this day I still wonder what they must have thought when I clambered up on that horse, waited for the other poor lass to wave that she was ready and then just "C'mon ponies let's go LESSGO!" and they all steadily trotted along behind.

I can't say I was ever hard done by, short changed or that I've suffered for being a poor kid but I can say it gave me a distinct advantage in so many ways as I grew up.

My fellow poor friends back then were never bullies or bothered about how we each lived and what we didn't have.

The bullies and real nasty bastards were usually the posh kids, their parents and more disturbing now I think back - teachers and those in a position of trust, authority and knew better.

I never really saw myself as being poor until I'd grown up, had my first child and was fortunate to live in a nice area and have all the trappings but I'm still and will no doubt always be a council house kid at heart. It's character building and gives a lot more than people realise.

My own kids are proper country bumpkins in comparison and were horrifed first time they saw graffit on a bus stop shelter and a giant dick someone spray painted on the viaduct near ours. Just aghast that anyone would do such a thing and I'm there "They spelled "Fuck" wrong I'd be so embarrassed if my child didn't know how to spell the word "fuck" by the time they were old enough to use spray paint"

Tealightsandd · 24/07/2021 22:58

occurred to me that many of the kids in that class were children of asylum seekers.

Even here there can be assumptions based on stereotyping (I'm not accusing the poster I'm quoting btw).

One of my friends at school. Her parents had sought asylum here. They were also middle class professionals. As an adult, I became friends with another middle class asylum seeker. He was retired but had been privately educated (in his home country) and used to work in a middle class profession (both his home country and in the UK).

Asylum seeker doesn't always = poor/income deprived.

MrsMillhouse · 24/07/2021 23:04

I think your heart is in the right place but very condescending! I’m from a deprived area and i was a lovely, polite child who didn’t swear or have a horrible abusive family. I studied hard as school, was well behaved, like many of my peers. But one thing I hated was the way that as adult people would talk about the area that I’m from: either making out everyone there is the scum of the earth, or condescending nonsense about how under privileged we are

Tealightsandd · 24/07/2021 23:06

Personal anecdotes are always so interesting - but of course just that. One person's individual unique experience.

(Sorry PinniGig, I have to ask... are you Jake Lovell?)

monstermunch1 · 24/07/2021 23:08

This is a wind up post.

Demortuisnilnisibonum · 24/07/2021 23:14

As others have said, I’d feel uncomfortable about taking a much needed space. Don’t do it. Volunteer and take your child with you when she’s older. Encourage her to raise money for good causes and to care about others, with empathy, not sympathy. You sound compassionate and kind, but enrolling her would be misguided, IMO.

MrsMillhouse · 24/07/2021 23:15

I think your heart is in the right place but very condescending! I’m from a deprived area and i was a lovely, polite child who didn’t swear or have a horrible abusive family. I studied hard as school, was well behaved, like many of my peers. But one thing I hated was the way that as adult people would talk about the area that I’m from: either making out everyone there is the scum of the earth, or condescending nonsense about how under privileged we are

PinniGig · 24/07/2021 23:22

@Tealightsandd

Personal anecdotes are always so interesting - but of course just that. One person's individual unique experience.

(Sorry PinniGig, I have to ask... are you Jake Lovell?)

@Tealightsandd Unfortunately not!! Smile
Lemonmelonsun · 24/07/2021 23:34

Op, your learning experience was by accident although surley your own dm raised you to be compassionate even if you had never step foot in the place.

What your suggesting is more likely akin to a zoo! Sending yourself dd into the zoo to be educated, I've no doubt you mean well but she's totally different today you.

She may react very badly and wonder why your doing this, she could get bullied, she could bully it sounds peculiar to me.

I reckon you should lighten up, let her live her life and without being overly depressing and heavy about it, simply make sure she knows about life in general... Gradually at appropriate moments.

Tealightsandd · 24/07/2021 23:40

PinniGig
I really want to read the books again now. It's been years! Smile

Tealightsandd · 24/07/2021 23:42

Thinking about Rupert now. Rich, but a childhood deprived of parenting and love.

Lemonmelonsun · 24/07/2021 23:44

Imagined if every mum did this and there was were no deprived kids it's like an ab fab scene I can imagine Eddie walking around scowling, are you pop your not, I can see your not, your in Boden, I promised saffy I'd socialise with poor kids but non are here Confused.

I also thinking you have to be really careful about little ones, they can get very sensitive and worried and upset.

They will have theirs pen scope of life worries so always expose, teach etc as appropriate fir them.

Lemonmelonsun · 24/07/2021 23:45

Arf!! Are you "poor"

Murphs1 · 24/07/2021 23:46

I think you’ve not thought this through. Your daughter is 5 years old, she won’t learn anything from this experience. As pp have said you’re potentially taking a place away from a child who needs it.

PinniGig · 24/07/2021 23:47

@Tealightsandd

PinniGig I really want to read the books again now. It's been years! Smile
I just ended up back at the old grainy footage of the Netherlands rescue from 2006 after remembering us moving all those horses in one go – 10yr old scruffy council house screbs that rode tackless and knew about horses and herd behaviour years before it became a thing and was given the name “Natural horsemanship”

Right scruffy little snot nose bastards too but it honestly didn't occur to us at the time it was anything other than just what you did which looking bad I realise must have really, really stung those other girls.

"What do you mean ride one horse at the front and another behind and move them all? You can't do that what are you stupid we'll have to rally and scratch around for a mountain of halters and ropes and do the job properly and - oh. Oh fuck... they're moving them all"

Thisisworsethananticpated · 24/07/2021 23:47

Op will get a bashing
But I read it that she doesn’t want her child to grow up a little bubble
Which is no bad thing

Lemonades · 24/07/2021 23:48

What a selfish person you are. U r going to put more pressure into what is already 'deprived/ disadvantage children's club' volunteer your kind heart and your service op not adding more pressure.

RubaDubMum89 · 24/07/2021 23:50

Maybe if you take a pound coin, there might be some individual bags of food your lovely. MC child can hand feed to the poor deprived urchins Hmm

CatsArePeople · 24/07/2021 23:50

Strange responses on this thread. Our church does a summer retreat for kids, mostly deprived, but everybody welcome. Vicar takes his own children, and they are obviously very middle class. Its not a petting zoo or poverty safary. Only thing i find strange from OP that she's an unbeliever wanting to send her kid to a church thing. You know there will be prayer, talking about Jesus, etc. ?