Mixing with deprived children?

[Thisneedsachange]

I’ve changed my name for this but long term mumsnetter. I had a very sheltered but working class background, but mum was a social worker so I was sent to holiday clubs where she was working - with children from very deprived backgrounds and on child protection plans. My life experiences changed when I got a scholarship to private school and it’s been a middle class bubble since then - but I think those early exposures to how tough life can be for some gas the making of me. It’s made me more compassionate, more politically aware and I’ve volunteered since a teen working with deprived children.
My own 5 year old daughter has a very sheltered existence and so I’m thinking of sending her to a free church holiday club at the church I grew up with for a week this summer. It’s free because it’s a very deprived ward. We do have one friend who will go so she will be fine. As a child some things I was exposed to in these schemes aimed at deprived children really shocked me - bad language, bad behaviour, unhappy families..but by my teens I understood what was going on.
Am I unwise to consider this?
I contribute to the funds (although we don’t worship there as not Christian) so not concerned about taking financial advantage, just wondering if I should wait until my daughter is older to have these experiences?

I don't think this was intentional but my parents let me make friends as a child with who ever I wanted and some of those kids came from very poor backgrounds so I naturally saw all sides of life. I would see how other people's home lives might be when I went over to play. I think some sort of forced scenario is not quite right and not sincere. I know you mean well but it's a bit like taking your kid to a soup kitchen for a day. Agree also with others that it takes away a place for a kid who really needs it too.

I will never forget my then 5yr old daughter nearly breaking her heart and wanting to give her pocket money to the children whose parents own the local Indian restaurant. She just assumed in her innocence and ignorance that all brown children were like those seen on TV and had no money, no food or water and it broke her heart to think of these two going without.

She and both kids ended up quite good friends but that level of empathy, awareness and understanding of how lucky they are was generally made clear to them in a general every sort of sense rather than us having to force or make any issue of it.

Every Christmas morning before they came downstairs we reminded them not to be upset or too disappointed if Father Christmas hadn't been to ours and left presents. They still would have presents from us but he has to give priority to children that don't have parents and aren't lucky to have anyone else that will give them presents.

Neither of them bothered or bitched and even one year when we hid the two bikes they were going mad for and pretended Father Christmas hadn't been able to leave them any, they didn't bother just “It's OK we still have lots more presents and the old bike to share”

Daughter heading over to the Indian kids with her heart shredded though oh fuck me... glad I managed to stop her before she started throwing pennies at them.

What I mean below by not intentional is that my parents didn't try to engineer my friendships and so I made friends with all walks of life so maybe just let your child form natural friendships

@Tealightsandd

Middle class private school children can be deprived too

Well of course. Any child can be deprived. From any background. I work in education. My specialism is inclusion. I doubt there's anything you could ever tell me about deprivation in childhood.

My point is simply that private school education teaches entitlement. Which it does. That's literally what it aims to do.

Your post seems full of non-sequiturs and not really anything to do with mine.

@Thisneedsachange

I’ll definitely not be taking a space from a child who needs it. I’ve been promoting the HAF scheme as part of my volunteer work so in our area (not London but affluent) children who receive pupil premium will be on completely different schemes (quality £50 a day provision, drama, sports, arts) for 4 of the 6 weeks) which is one reason why this free church scheme won’t be full. My daughter is aware of poverty - we donate her toys, clothes, books , donate to food banks and donate to Christmas toy drives etc. At 5 she isn’t allowed to volunteer at a food bank but she does come with me when we transport furniture for families who are newly housed. She’s kind and generous but she has no idea of the real world. Her school life is a very privileged bubble and whilst we have family friends from my working class background her experiences are so far removed from their children - I want her to see how privileged she is.

Op, this is a genuine question :HOW will your 5 year old dd See how privileged she is from playing with a bunch of other small children for ONE week? I'm completely baffled. Surely to her they will just be children and it will have NO impact whatsoever on understanding her privilege? Not unless the 5 year olds are going to sit in a circle discussing their family set ups, entitlement to fsm etc etc ...??

chunderwunder

“I don't think she can help being patronising, she's a product of a private education. She's behaving exactly as she's been trained.“

The OP got a scholarship and probably was only ‘trained’ in various academic subjects and some extra curricular activities.

The training you speak of may really have come from having a mother who was a social worker, and possibly a life of feeling guilty for being all right when some of her mother’s cases were suffering.

I would imagine that your 5 year old is unlikely to be as snobbish as you. I really, really don't like your patronising tone. Ironically, you sound the opposite of enlightened.

And you would be depriving a child who genuinely needs a space of their space.

Yabu.

My financial situation has now improved but I was once a single mother, living in a council house on one of the most ‘deprived’ estates in my area. I had very little money but my dc were not deprived.

They had everything they could ever need, they had love, they had books and toys. I saved like mad to make sure they had Christmas and birthday presents.

Yes, they didn’t get to go on expensive holidays, or have designer clothes or brand new games consoles, but children do not need those things. They both thrived, did well in school and are now both studying for their degrees.

I remarried and now have young children again. We are more comfortable financially but I would never dream of taking my children on a site seeing tour of poverty

The song "common people" springs to mind.
No I wouldn't there is no reason to show her how the other half live, when she is older maybe some volunteering at a food bank or let her see you donate to the food bank.
I don't allow my DC see how the other half live, we're from a deprived area and so far they're happy with their life no feeling of inferiority or idea their life isn't great or they're WC. All the fancy stuff in YouTube I tell them it is only in America with the big spiders and pet tigers.

@Saucery

Ooh, a Poverty Safari! Go for it!

That’s exactly what I thought! This post makes me incredibly uncomfortable too. I work in health and social care and have never ever described the children I have worked with over the years as “deprived children”. Children or families living in poverty, yes. I think you need to give your head a wobble OP. This feels v wrong

OP don't feel guilty or force guilt on your DC because she is privileged.
Use different opportunities to discuss those with less all over the world. My DC are aware they're lucky when a large percentage of DC go to bed hungry or have holes in their shoes.
You don't come across lacking empathy to me, it seems like guilt remembering some of these DC from the past.
Enjoy your life, give when you can, job done.

Your post seems full of non-sequiturs

Shall I hand myself in to the police? Crimes about... writing?

Thanks to this thread I have the Pulp song in my head. Good tune but always annoying lyrics. I remember at the time my friendship group wishing we could afford to rent our own flat above a shop!

I work in health and social care and have never ever described the children I have worked with over the years as “deprived children”. Children or families living in poverty, yes

The term used in education is 'disadvantaged'. It's grim and unhelpful. We need more inclusive language.

Maybe she could join a local club which is full of children from different backgrounds and not just to teach her how lucky she is but that it doesn't matter how much money or stuff someone owns it is what they are like as a person that matters. Children are brilliant at this, they see the nice, fun friend not what car their parents own.

Shall I hand myself in to the police? Crimes about... writing? wink

Ha ha. No. Sorry. I get a bit carried away sometimes.

It's a real problem though. People, including those who work in inclusion or social work, overlooking abuse and neglect in middle class families. There's (often unconscious) bias and false misperceptions around the whole area of deprivation and abuse and 'class'.

@PinniGig

I will never forget my then 5yr old daughter nearly breaking her heart and wanting to give her pocket money to the children whose parents own the local Indian restaurant. She just assumed in her innocence and ignorance that all brown children were like those seen on TV and had no money, no food or water and it broke her heart to think of these two going without.

She and both kids ended up quite good friends but that level of empathy, awareness and understanding of how lucky they are was generally made clear to them in a general every sort of sense rather than us having to force or make any issue of it.

Every Christmas morning before they came downstairs we reminded them not to be upset or too disappointed if Father Christmas hadn't been to ours and left presents. They still would have presents from us but he has to give priority to children that don't have parents and aren't lucky to have anyone else that will give them presents.

Neither of them bothered or bitched and even one year when we hid the two bikes they were going mad for and pretended Father Christmas hadn't been able to leave them any, they didn't bother just “It's OK we still have lots more presents and the old bike to share”

Daughter heading over to the Indian kids with her heart shredded though oh fuck me... glad I managed to stop her before she started throwing pennies at them.

Forgot to mention the point I started out intending to make which is your daughter can and no doubt will have opportunities through the church to volunteer with organisations and write to a sponsor or penpal and it'd generally be much better and effective in the longer term to do it as a normal routine thing rather than a single forced or considerable effort.

If she's already a good kid that knows she's lucky and is involved or around a more community involved group she can pick up on all that and learn what's appropropriate as and when.

Children are brilliant at this, they see the nice, fun friend not what car their parents own

Dear me, we'll make sure we beat that nonsense out of them at prep school. Can't have them being bloody pinkos.

@Tealightsandd

Your post seems full of non-sequiturs

Shall I hand myself in to the police? Crimes about... writing?

Thanks to this thread I have the Pulp song in my head. Good tune but always annoying lyrics. I remember at the time my friendship group wishing we could afford to rent our own flat above a shop!

My whole childhood and everything about it literally is "Mile End" right down to the lift always being full of piss. The block of flats we had didn't include lifts though the stairwells and main entrance was swimming in piss but lifts were for posh wankers.

Gosh, you make it sound like you're sending her to a zoo for poor people! How fucking patronising. My own DC are growing up in a privileged environment, as did I, however we learnt about privilege by donating, volunteering and practicing gratitude, not going to see poor people like they are an exhibition!

@Tealightsandd

It's a real problem though. People, including those who work in inclusion or social work, overlooking abuse and neglect in middle class families. There's (often unconscious) bias and false misperceptions around the whole area of deprivation and abuse and 'class'.

Yes. I'd definitely agree with that. But if you read my posts it's not me drawing a parallel between deprivation and income. That's the OP.

@Tealightsandd

It's a real problem though. People, including those who work in inclusion or social work, overlooking abuse and neglect in middle class families. There's (often unconscious) bias and false misperceptions around the whole area of deprivation and abuse and 'class'.

Problem is, some people just want to dismiss these children as 'posh wankers'.

Prejudiced stereotyping. It causes real harm to children (adults too).

@chunderwunder

Sorry yes you're right. It's not you. It's the OP.

@chunderwunder Just clocked your name and got a proper laugh on.

Gap Yah lad chundering everywhere... take that NATURE!

You are being ridiculous, your child is 5 years old, not 15