Not attending mil’s 90th party

[Happymum12345]

I know that I am being unreasonable but feel bad about it.
It’s my mother in laws 90th birthday party. We have 3 dc, 2 teens & a 9 old year old. They have spent all of school wearing masks, like everyone else, we’ve not been anywhere -restaurants etc as I have huge anxiety about covid. I have done my best to protect them without making our lives too miserable.
I spent some time last year in icu on a ventilator & had horrific time & I’m having trauma therapy for flashbacks & PTSD. I
Wasn’t there because of covid.
My mil said there would be patio doors that open and windows open, but when I checked with the venue they said there is a fire door that leads on to the car park that they can open -begrudgingly, the windows don’t open, the staff don’t wear masks & lots of them are off because they’ve been pinged. There will be 30 guests sitting in a room for 3 hours. I don’t know many of the guests, whether they’ve been jabbed or not. My dh is going to the party as is my ds. I feel bad about not going & I know that everyone there will be thinking i’m awful & neurotic, which I am. I have been jabbed but my children, obviously haven’t. I’m scared about my ds going but I’m trying to lesson the risk.

No you aren't being unreasonable at all! After everything you've been through it is quite understandable why you wouldn't want to go to an indoor social event. Just wave your dh and ds off and see your mil either before of after the event.

Surely none of them would want you there feeling anxious and uncomfortable.
Those who care about you and know you will or certainly should, understand. The rest, well, who cares what they think!
You've been through a lot.
You need to do what's right for you and right now, if that means not going, then you don't go.
And don't feel guilty. That's the anxiety talking.

As an aside the weather has been fantastic, why on earth didn't her family organise somewhere with a beer garden area then those who wanted to could sit outside?!

As MissMiss said those that matter won't mind and those that mind don't matter. Good luck with your ongoing recovery .

I think all the kids should be there?

It sounds like you genuinely CAN’T go, at least not without risk of triggering your PTSD even worse. Would you feel comfortable showing up early before other guests to give your well wishes to MIL, leave a present on the table and go before guests? But only do that if genuinely comfortable. Otherwise I would make a separate plan with her, maybe a fancy outdoor afternoon tea the same week?

I think the children should go with their dad I know you are really struggling but is it really fair they miss out ?

If you've had your vaccine both doses, then surely you are as protected as you can be. The age range of people at a 90th party means it's likely that the majority will also have been vaccinated but even if there's a few who haven't then your vaccine protects you.
I understand you have medical history which makes you more anxious about covid but were you this anxious about health/other viruses before this? The government have done a great job in scaring people without giving perspective on the situation now that we know much more about it.
You might benefit from some therapy/counselling. As a society we need to learn to live with this and not let it continue to rule our lives.

Don’t go if it’s going to cause you this amount of stress. Your children can go with your DH.

You feel how you feel and that’s your prerogative but if your son and husband are going and then presumably coming home I really can’t see much point in you and the other 2 children not going . All the children should be going whether you choose to or not .

I never understand when people say they won't go but the kids / DH will go. Surely if they get Covid you will too, unless you isolate from them when they get back.

I spent some time last year in icu on a ventilator & had horrific time & I’m having trauma therapy for flashbacks & PTSD.
In these circumstances you not going is perfectly reasonable and they need to get their heads round it. I suggest you develop a capacity for stubbornness OP!
Sorry you've had such a difficult time.

Do what you're comfortable with OP, ICU is a very scary experience, it's perfectly understandable you're cautious.

But but surely your DH going is just as much risk as you going?? I really don’t understand the logic behind some people attending things and others staying home purely because of the risk of catching the virus?! Isn’t you DH just going to be coming back to the house along with whatever he may have picked up while at the party?

Or am I not getting it?

Janey I wouldn’t want to go either in your shoes nor should you feel bad about not going!!! Anyone who says other wise is an arse. You need to do what keeps you happy and feeling safe. You can only control your own actions.

Just try to think logically.. If your DH and DS are going and you believe there is a risk of people infecting others at the party then they will bring it home. It makes no difference for your perceived covid risk if you attend or not. It is not going to help with the party, but you should seek help for your anxiety long term

Thank you for responding. I begged for the event to be outside in a marquee/pub garden etc, but mil wanted it to be inside. I know my dh and ds going puts my other dc at risk, but in my head, it seems a safer option-not rational, I know. My dh husband insisted on going & he wanted ds to go. The other two dc are not bothered. We will see mil next week-outside!

Anyone who loves you will understand completely why you can't go

I think it’s a shame that all the children at least won’t be there. Your last post says the kids aren’t bothered about going anyway, but it’s not about them. It’s for their gran. 90 is amazing.

It’s a shame all the dc’s won’t go. Why don’t they want to go?

@Happymum12345

Thank you for responding. I begged for the event to be outside in a marquee/pub garden etc, but mil wanted it to be inside. I know my dh and ds going puts my other dc at risk, but in my head, it seems a safer option-not rational, I know. My dh husband insisted on going & he wanted ds to go. The other two dc are not bothered. We will see mil next week-outside!

Wait WHOA what the hell!!!

If your children are not all going then you are not only being unreasonable but I would be slashing and burning you all from the will if I were the MIL, she's 90 and it's her birthday who gives a hell if the kids feel like going???

I thought this was about you worrying about having a panic attack AT the event, in which case of course you shouldn't put yourself through that. But your family should all be attending the event, and if you did anything to stop that you would be behind unreasonable, verging on wanting to cut off.

Your other children should be going, if they have an ounce of respect for their grandmother.

Given that being seated indoors for several hours is the absolute best way for the virus to be transmitted I wouldn't go or be happy for members of my immediate family to attend. Unvaccinated children are vulnerable and those who have been vaccinated may also contract Coronavirus. The risk of carrying the illness and infecting others is also high.

YANBU to say you find a situation overwhelming and excuse yourself.

YABU, selfish and totally unacceptable to irrationally deny your MIL a relationship with her grandchildren because of health anxiety.

'YABU, selfish and totally unacceptable to irrationally deny your MIL a relationship with her grandchildren because of health anxiety.'

She isn't. They are seeing the mil next weekend 🙄.

My dh husband insisted on going , I can’t seriously believe you’ve written that , health anxiety or not , this is his mother’s 90th birthday party ! .

' I can’t seriously believe you’ve written that , health anxiety or not , this is his mother’s 90th birthday party ! '

So what? the op is planning on seeing her mil just not at an indoor event.

It's funny, health anxiety generally irritates me on mn, so many trying to validate refusing vaccines for example. A party though, it's not the end of the world is it.

All of your children should go, the ones who can't be bothered should be made aware of what an important day this is for their grandmother.

Are you at least doing something special for her when you meet outside?