Not attending mil’s 90th party

[Happymum12345]

I know that I am being unreasonable but feel bad about it.
It’s my mother in laws 90th birthday party. We have 3 dc, 2 teens & a 9 old year old. They have spent all of school wearing masks, like everyone else, we’ve not been anywhere -restaurants etc as I have huge anxiety about covid. I have done my best to protect them without making our lives too miserable.
I spent some time last year in icu on a ventilator & had horrific time & I’m having trauma therapy for flashbacks & PTSD. I
Wasn’t there because of covid.
My mil said there would be patio doors that open and windows open, but when I checked with the venue they said there is a fire door that leads on to the car park that they can open -begrudgingly, the windows don’t open, the staff don’t wear masks & lots of them are off because they’ve been pinged. There will be 30 guests sitting in a room for 3 hours. I don’t know many of the guests, whether they’ve been jabbed or not. My dh is going to the party as is my ds. I feel bad about not going & I know that everyone there will be thinking i’m awful & neurotic, which I am. I have been jabbed but my children, obviously haven’t. I’m scared about my ds going but I’m trying to lesson the risk.

[BungleandGeorge]

I also think that people are being dismissive calling this ‘health anxiety’. It’s PTSD, perhaps they just aren’t aware of how traumatic many people find being on ITU.
On every other thread people say it’s ‘an invitation not a summons’! She knew that you were uncomfortable with being in a poorly ventilated area but went with her choice anyway. I think it’s fair your husband goes and would be nice if the children went aswell. Perhaps you could get them all to do daily lateral flows afterwards? There’s many ways of reducing infection risk within your own home as you’re in control of the environment, you’re not at a venue.

[Nicknacky]

What good is a LFT straight after it? Genuine question.

[Blossomtoes]

No wonder it’s rife

Except it isn’t. It’s well under predicted levels. It’s here for good, we’re going to have to learn to live with it.

[CoachBeach]

@Happymum12345 ignore anyone voting YABU, they are people coming from a situation of not having shielded or been through what have and have the luxury of not worrying about your health. We are in the middle of a third wave, of course you aren’t going to sit inside in a room like that. Please don’t feel guilty not going, someone at the end of their life span is going to think differently about catch covid and possibly dying.

You are doing the right thing for you and your family. If it helps in this situation, my DH would also opt not to go/not take the kids.

[SueSaid]

'I also think that people are being dismissive calling this ‘health anxiety’. It’s PTSD, perhaps they just aren’t aware of how traumatic many people find being on ITU.'

I know! What a way to minimise actual ptsd. I'm usually the last person on mn to tolerate folk making feeble excuses but in this case her reasons are utterly valid. An icu stay can cause lasting and profound physical and mh problems, that is not 'health anxiety'.

The op will see the mil, she isn't going nc or anything. It's only a family gathering I mean yes it would be lovely if the op hadn't had the pesky critical illness which is inconveniently affecting her now but any loving normal family will cut her some slack.

[mynameisbrian]

Its fair enough that you dont go but your DH should take all the DC. This is a milestone birthday and is important

[Skiptheheartsandflowers]

I would take the out of coming down with a 'migraine' on the day as you excuse to stay away. You've had a bad enough time of it, and while you shouldn't have to lie, I would avoid creating an opening for people to moan about your absence.

Have your kids been in school lately? If so they have probably been at this level of risk already as it's rampant in schools. I would send them but get them testing daily and on very best good hygiene afterwards.

[Busybee5000]

All very understandable but you aren’t going to be able to protect everyone forever and if other household members are going, it’s likely they’ll pass anything onto you anyway. I would suggest that children have been at more risk from school then a 90 birthday party.

I’m coming from a point of not having many of our parents left due to them dying early - not meant to be any kind of guilt trip so please don’t take it as such- but I’d give anything for them to be able to hold special birthday parties where the grandchildren could be there all together. I appreciate your current mindset might override this kind of sentiment but wanted to mention it.

[newnortherner111]

In your specific circumstances, YANBU not to go.

[garlictwist]

I feel like this about a wedding I have to go to next weekend. I am secretly hoping to get tracked and traced so I get out of it. But then I think, well DP will go anyway and if there's covid there he'll bring it back to me so I might as well go.

[MadameHomais]

I think you would be sensible not to go.
My nephew is double vaccinated, second jab only 10 days ago. He worked outdoors with a colleague who tested positive the next day. My nephew has tested positive today.
Do whatever makes you feel comfortable.

[grapewine]

Of course, your husband wants to do. I can't believe you're in the least surprised about that. Agree that your children should go - this could well be her last birthday. Can't they be bothered because they want to game or something? Barring some dripfeed about MIL being a horrible Gran, they should be respectful and go.

[Doodlebug71]

@Flowers500

YANBU to say you find a situation overwhelming and excuse yourself.

YABU, selfish and totally unacceptable to irrationally deny your MIL a relationship with her grandchildren because of health anxiety.

An indoors gathering of this sort is a super spreader for CV.

Her MIL is the unreasonable one, refusing to consider the outdoor event.

OP, we wouldn't attend that sort of indoor gathering, either. Refusing to join in a group gathering indoors at a time when covid cases are rising? That's not unreasonable at all. I know that my DH would refuse to attend, but his mother would never organies an indoor event in the fist place.

[Killahangilion]

YANBU in the slightest.

There’s no way in hell I am sitting indoors in anyone else’s home and definitely not in a pub or restaurant until next Spring at the earliest.

DH’s cancer consultant last week told him to maintain social distance ing and mask wearing and to assume that his Pfizer jabs give zero protection.

From what I’ve been reading online, I think a lot of British people are irresponsible nutters, to be honest. 🤦🏻‍♀️

[Doodlebug71]

[quote CoachBeach]@Happymum12345 ignore anyone voting YABU, they are people coming from a situation of not having shielded or been through what have and have the luxury of not worrying about your health. We are in the middle of a third wave, of course you aren’t going to sit inside in a room like that. Please don’t feel guilty not going, someone at the end of their life span is going to think differently about catch covid and possibly dying.

You are doing the right thing for you and your family. If it helps in this situation, my DH would also opt not to go/not take the kids.[/quote]
This. My DH wouldn't attend either. I've just been to drop a gift off at a friend's house. Her grandson has just contracted CV despite having his first jab. The whole family are isolating in an attempt to avoid further spread.

The local ICus have been filling with CV patients, and they're younger than previously. No way we'd attend an event like that.

If people here would, that's their funeral.

[Doodlebug71]

@grapewine

Of course, your husband wants to do. I can't believe you're in the least surprised about that. Agree that your children should go - this could well be her last birthday. Can't they be bothered because they want to game or something? Barring some dripfeed about MIL being a horrible Gran, they should be respectful and go.

They should be respectful and go? What sort of emotional nonsense is that? The woman is being completely unreasonable under the circumstances.

@Killahangilion: Quite. There's a considerable level of ignorance, and there are some completely irresponsible idiots.

[123ZYX]

OP hasn't said anything about not letting the other DC go, just that they're not going. If her DH feels they should be there, it's down to him to tell them they have to.

[BogRollBOGOF]

I can understand with PSTD that you are not ready for this occasion yet, and fair enough that you'll be seeing her shortly.

It is right for DH to go to his mother's 90th birthday celebration, and the DCs should be strongly encouraged to go too. Most people don't make it to their 90th birthday and fewer still make it to their 91st for any reason.

At 90, I'd probably not be willing to compromise on how to spend my birthday, especially after the past year+ because you can't take future birthdays for granted to do it the way you do it.

[LizzieW1969]

YANBU not to go yourself, OP, especially with PTSD following your time in ITU. Those posters saying YABU have no understanding of PTSD, I suspect, and probably haven’t been personally impacted by Covid.

Your DH is rightly going to his mum’s birthday do, and I think all 3 DC should go too. Your MIL will surely understand your reasons for not going, or at least she should.

You’re also seeing your MIL the following week, so you can hardly be accused of not caring about her.

[queenofcandleford]

Whoever organised an indoor party for a 90 year old in this pandemic is crazy.

[Blossomtoes]

@queenofcandleford

Whoever organised an indoor party for a 90 year old in this pandemic is crazy.

What’s the difference between an indoor party and going to a pub or restaurant? Millions of us have been doing that for weeks. And of course the British weather is so dependable that an outdoor party would be the perfect solution. 🙄

[Acrasia]

Wow, the ignorance on this thread is unbelievable. But I guess at least those posters are lucky enough to have never been through anything that would cause PTSD.

YANBU and it is totally understandable. I missed my Nan’s funeral about 15 years ago because of my PTSD. If I could have gone I would have been there, but I was absolutely incapable of leaving the house at the time. I didn’t leave it at all for almost a year, and then it was a couple more years before I could leave it for anything other than therapy or doctor’s appointments. It is a completely debilitating condition.

Also, it might be worth bearing in mind that the OP’s DC who are not going may also, understandably, have some trauma of their own surrounding what happened to their mother last year.

Have some fucking compassion.

[Scrumbleton]

Sorry - I think you should go - especially as your DH and Dc will be there and you could easily catch it from them

[Whiskycav]

It must have been really difficult not being able to work and avoiding events completely, since you were ill and I do understand your reluctance. I think its right you don't go.

But also that, they, do go.

You can't force her to have it outside. The weather isn't predicatble so understand her not doing that. The people who are attending are happy with the risk level. But you aren't.

Have you thought about what you will do from September? With the kids going back to education? Will you have to go back to work at some point? I am sorry this has happened to you and hope you have access to the support you need x

[Ohbeeryme]

@Doodlebug71 they’re not going to their grans 90th birthday because they can’t be bothered, not because of covid. That’s completely selfish. The OP is different. Understandable if she can’t cope with the event but since 2 of the household are going and she says the other two just aren’t bothered that is so rude!