Not attending mil’s 90th party

[Happymum12345]

I know that I am being unreasonable but feel bad about it.
It’s my mother in laws 90th birthday party. We have 3 dc, 2 teens & a 9 old year old. They have spent all of school wearing masks, like everyone else, we’ve not been anywhere -restaurants etc as I have huge anxiety about covid. I have done my best to protect them without making our lives too miserable.
I spent some time last year in icu on a ventilator & had horrific time & I’m having trauma therapy for flashbacks & PTSD. I
Wasn’t there because of covid.
My mil said there would be patio doors that open and windows open, but when I checked with the venue they said there is a fire door that leads on to the car park that they can open -begrudgingly, the windows don’t open, the staff don’t wear masks & lots of them are off because they’ve been pinged. There will be 30 guests sitting in a room for 3 hours. I don’t know many of the guests, whether they’ve been jabbed or not. My dh is going to the party as is my ds. I feel bad about not going & I know that everyone there will be thinking i’m awful & neurotic, which I am. I have been jabbed but my children, obviously haven’t. I’m scared about my ds going but I’m trying to lesson the risk.

[Theluggage15]

All your children should be going. It’s up to you if you go or not.

[Pingued]

This isn't health anxiety (which can be severe too, I'm not down playing it) this is PTSD and trauma thrown into the mix.

If you can OP I'd let all your children go. But don't feel bad for not going yourself.

[Nicknacky]

I think if a 90 year old woman was happy to have this party then I would have no qualms about attending. (Not that I have any particular Covid concerns).

I don’t see this any different as being in a pub or restaurant, or kids being at school.

And my kids would be going. Granny might not be here for her 91st.

[cariadlet]

@Flowers500

YANBU to say you find a situation overwhelming and excuse yourself.

YABU, selfish and totally unacceptable to irrationally deny your MIL a relationship with her grandchildren because of health anxiety.

What rubbish. Op had wanted to be able to go and had begged the MIL to have an outdoor event. She is meeting MIL (with the children) outdoors next week. How in earth is she denying her MIL a relationship with her grandchildren?


OP, YNBU

[MrsFin]

Tbh, if your DH and DS are going, you might as well go.
If they catch it, the odds are you'll catch it from them.
I'd say either you all go or none of you go.
FWIW, I think you should all go. Covid is everywhere anyway.

[NannyAndJohn]

Don't go, OP. Really not worth the risk, especially considering there'll probably be quite a few elderly relatives there.

If the husband insists on going then let him on the condition he takes a test before and after.

[Nicknacky]

Don’t listen to @NannyAndJohn. Their Covid obsession is off the scale and not healthy.

[justasking111]

Well you've had covid so you'll be okay but it sounds like a crap event. Stay home and let everyone else go

[Floralnomad]

@JaniieJones my point was that the OP shouldn’t have even suggested to her husband that he not attend , if she chooses not to then that’s her business , but to say ‘he insisted on going’ implies that she had asked him not to .

[Shedbuilder]

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. A friend and I were invited to attend a memorial lunch recently. My friend had pneumonia a few years ago. It nearly killed her (she's only in her 40s) and left her with damaged lungs. She's shielded all through lockdown and is now double-jabbed, but still playing things very carefully.

She contacted the venue to find out about safety precautions and was assured that the lunch was being held in a room with several big French doors on each side of the room that would all be open. We would be seated at tables seating eight with good gaps between the chairs. We would be expected to remain seated throughout the event and if we had to move around the worm we'd be expected to wear masks. There would be two-metre gaps between tables. Staff would wear masks and gloves. She decided this was about as safe as it could be and agreed to go.

Shortly after arriving to a very well-ventilated room other guests started walking around from table to table without masks, hugging and kissing people and shutting all the windows and doors. I felt really sorry for the staff. They tried to enforce the rules but were ignored — and put at risk.

An elderly man insisted on shutting the doors we were seated beside and told us we were being ridiculous when we objected. We left after 20 minutes. Apparently after we went several other guests made the same decision. One of the people there must have had a cold, because other acquaintances who were there went down with it. Some of them thought to start with it was Covid and were really freaked out.

I don't blame you for not going, OP. Some of the most reckless people at that event were the people most likely to die if they get the new variation. I couldn't believe how cavalier they were.

[MaggieFS]

YANBU for yourself, but you need to ensure you're feelings aren't rubbing off on the DC who 'aren't that bothered'. That's totally the wrong attitude for an important family occasion.

[Jaxhog]

Of course YANBU! I'm amazed that anyone would think otherwise.

You were in ICU on a ventilator and are worried about a respiratory illness. While you have been vaccinated, the vaccine is not 100% effective and a variant of Covid is currently running rampant.

Not attending sounds completely reasonable to me. I wouldn't either. I would also ask your DH and DS to keep clear of you and have LF tests too.

There are still way too many people who just don't understand this pandemic. Maybe they haven't had friends who've suffered terribly and died of Covid.

[sassbott]

Why aren’t all the kids going? It’s their grand 90th! Of course they should all go (and bluntly you should be telling them to go).
If you’re ok with them choosing not to go ,then remember that for future events that are important to you. How you tell your children it’s ok to treat others is how they may end up treating you one day!

[Roussette]

My dh husband insisted on going|

I'm not effing surprised! It's his mother's 90th birthday and you sound like he shouldn't be going either!

[HollowTalk]

@DingDongDenny

I never understand when people say they won't go but the kids / DH will go. Surely if they get Covid you will too, unless you isolate from them when they get back.

I always think that! And it's the OP who's been vaccinated, not the children.

[ajandjjmum]

I'm sorry that you've had such a tough time with your health OP, and can totally understand your fears.

However, I think for your DH and DC to all go would be reasonable - and yes, children need to be persuaded about the importance of events from time to time.

Her 90th was the last birthday my Mum celebrated.

[Blossomtoes]

@Nicknacky

I think if a 90 year old woman was happy to have this party then I would have no qualms about attending. (Not that I have any particular Covid concerns).

I don’t see this any different as being in a pub or restaurant, or kids being at school.

And my kids would be going. Granny might not be here for her 91st.

This. The person most at risk is the birthday girl.

[IdblowJonSnow]

Yanbu.
If your mil was that fussed about accommodating everyone she should have had the venue outside. I doubt you'll be the only one to have concerns.

[girlmom21]

I think YABU to not attend, or at the very least not send all your DC's.

She's 90 years old. There's a very good chance she won't have another birthday, let alone a milestone.

Is this not the perfect reason to celebrate - the fact you've been through hell and back, survived a pandemic and are all still here to tell the tale?

[Shedbuilder]

The birthday 'girl' knows that statistically she's been very lucky and that any day now could be her last. Whereas it sounds as if OP has already diced with death and knows how badly things could have gone.

I've seen how reckless a lot of elderly people are. (See my post above). I suppose they feel they've had their lives and they've nothing much to lose, or that they're invincible. The OP understands exactly how precious life is.

[TinaYouFatLard]

I’m sorry to hear about your previous experience and glad you’re having therapy. Living with such high levels of health anxiety sounds awful.

A party may not seem like the end of the world but at 90 years old it’s likely to be her last big celebration. All your DC should be there.

[JustDanceAddict]

@Shedbuilder

The birthday 'girl' knows that statistically she's been very lucky and that any day now could be her last. Whereas it sounds as if OP has already diced with death and knows how badly things could have gone.

I've seen how reckless a lot of elderly people are. (See my post above). I suppose they feel they've had their lives and they've nothing much to lose, or that they're invincible. The OP understands exactly how precious life is.

I agree. I know a couple of elderly folk and they say they’ve had their lives so aren’t that cautious (although been jabbed).
Although I wouldn’t stop dh or kids (for their Gran, not for them) going to Party in this instance, but not go myself. You’d be a secondary contact if they got Covid - and hopefully they can lft test before/after to mitigate.

[MilkCereal]

Ah your poor mil! Tell the dc to go with dh if you really cant go- life goes on and shes their grandmother and turning 90- that's pretty special.

[BluebellsGreenbells]

If you've had your vaccine both doses, then surely you are as protected as you can be

Utter tosh! Mask wearing social distancing and outdoor meeting to avoid covid is protection.

No wonder it’s rife

[HeckyPeck]

@Nicknacky

I think if a 90 year old woman was happy to have this party then I would have no qualms about attending. (Not that I have any particular Covid concerns).

I don’t see this any different as being in a pub or restaurant, or kids being at school.

And my kids would be going. Granny might not be here for her 91st.

Presumably you don't have PTSD though. OP does so it's absolutely fair not to put herself in a position that very likely to trigger it.