Not attending mil’s 90th party

[Happymum12345]

I know that I am being unreasonable but feel bad about it.
It’s my mother in laws 90th birthday party. We have 3 dc, 2 teens & a 9 old year old. They have spent all of school wearing masks, like everyone else, we’ve not been anywhere -restaurants etc as I have huge anxiety about covid. I have done my best to protect them without making our lives too miserable.
I spent some time last year in icu on a ventilator & had horrific time & I’m having trauma therapy for flashbacks & PTSD. I
Wasn’t there because of covid.
My mil said there would be patio doors that open and windows open, but when I checked with the venue they said there is a fire door that leads on to the car park that they can open -begrudgingly, the windows don’t open, the staff don’t wear masks & lots of them are off because they’ve been pinged. There will be 30 guests sitting in a room for 3 hours. I don’t know many of the guests, whether they’ve been jabbed or not. My dh is going to the party as is my ds. I feel bad about not going & I know that everyone there will be thinking i’m awful & neurotic, which I am. I have been jabbed but my children, obviously haven’t. I’m scared about my ds going but I’m trying to lesson the risk.

[countrygirl99]

Would people really insist on a 93yo having an outdoor party? Wow! You do realise you can't rely on warm weather in the UK and cold or damp weather and 90 year olds don't mix well don't you. Never mind, it doesn't matter if MIL catches common garden pneumonia.

[Pingued]

@Scrumbleton

Sorry - I think you should go - especially as your DH and Dc will be there and you could easily catch it from them

It's PTSD, she can't just choose to go. It's not that simple.

[SueSaid]

@countrygirl99

Would people really insist on a 93yo having an outdoor party? Wow! You do realise you can't rely on warm weather in the UK and cold or damp weather and 90 year olds don't mix well don't you. Never mind, it doesn't matter if MIL catches common garden pneumonia.

Many older people are more than able to sit outside on a summer's evening even in the UK.

Anyway. The chosen venue doesn't have an outdoor area which would seem an odd choice in a pandemic so I'm sure her inlaws will all absolutely understand why she won't be attending.

[Doodlebug71]

[quote Ohbeeryme]@Doodlebug71 they’re not going to their grans 90th birthday because they can’t be bothered, not because of covid. That’s completely selfish. The OP is different. Understandable if she can’t cope with the event but since 2 of the household are going and she says the other two just aren’t bothered that is so rude![/quote]
I read the OP. You apparently didn't.

OP isn't attending because of PTSD. Covid safety would suggest no one attend.

@countrygirl99. It's summer. it's warm out. Granny isn't going to get pneumonia. Apparently, it doesn't matter how many may be exposed to covid.

[Soontobe60]

@JaniieJones

' I can’t seriously believe you’ve written that , health anxiety or not , this is his mother’s 90th birthday party ! '

So what? the op is planning on seeing her mil just not at an indoor event.

It's funny, health anxiety generally irritates me on mn, so many trying to validate refusing vaccines for example. A party though, it's not the end of the world is it.

She’s 90, it may very well be her last birthday, so for her it could be the end of the world!

OP, I get why you don’t want to go with your health anxiety, but please don’t be that person who controls your dc in this way - they’ll end up as anxious as you!

[Ohbeeryme]

@Doodlebug71 get over yourself. I read the OPs post, did you read what I said properly? I get that the OP doesn’t need to go because of her PTSD. However since the husband and child are both going the covid risks aren’t much different from going. So why are the other two DC not going? OP says they aren’t bothered about going. Which is selfish. We all do things we don’t want to do sometimes to make others happy. If it was my parent turning 90 I’d happily have my husband stay at home if he had PTSD, however the kids would be going for my parent.

[FictionalCharacter]

Nobody is obliged to go to anyone’s party, especially in circumstances like these. I can’t believe so many pp are saying you or the kids “should” go and being all dramatic about how it might be her last birthday. You can see her any other day!

If I make it to 90 I don’t want to guilt trip anyone into coming to any party.

[PurpleOkapi]

YABU because if there's covid floating around that party, your son is going to catch it and expose you to it anyway. The risk of you getting covid may be real, but it's the same whether you go to the party or not. You not going doesn't meaningfully lessen the risk of you getting covid.

[countrygirl99]

@doodlebug71 glad British weather is so reliable where you live. My 94yo dad was too cold in the living room with the patio doors open a couple of weeks ago.

[Illogicalmadness]

I recently reported a restaurant to my local authority's covid dept because of poor ventilation etc. I know the restrictions have lifted but it is a disaster waiting to happen. The restaurant manager is a bit thick not realising that the staff illnesses are related to poor ventilation.

[Blossomtoes]

@Illogicalmadness

I recently reported a restaurant to my local authority's covid dept because of poor ventilation etc. I know the restrictions have lifted but it is a disaster waiting to happen. The restaurant manager is a bit thick not realising that the staff illnesses are related to poor ventilation.

How lovely of you. As if the hospitality industry hasn’t had it hard enough without some busybody putting the boot in. Well done.

[Whiskycav]

@Illogicalmadness

I recently reported a restaurant to my local authority's covid dept because of poor ventilation etc. I know the restrictions have lifted but it is a disaster waiting to happen. The restaurant manager is a bit thick not realising that the staff illnesses are related to poor ventilation.

Sounds like you used the covid reporting system to your own advantage because you don't like the restaurant and/or staff.

You do realise nothing will come of this? Just people pissed off that you wasted their time. There's nothing in any covid guidance for restaurants, that they must be well ventilated, above and beyond normal restaurant ventilation.

[drpet49]

** But your family should all be attending the event, and if you did anything to stop that you would be behind unreasonable, verging on wanting to cut off.

Your other children should be going, if they have an ounce of respect for their grandmother.**

^This.

[UnsuitableHat]

I don’t think you’d personally be unreasonable not to go and to be honest about why not.

[Velvian]

YANBU at all, given what you've been through.

[JennieLee]

I think one way in which our elders show their love for us is by wanting us to have long and healthy lives.

[Flowers500]

@FictionalCharacter

Nobody is obliged to go to anyone’s party, especially in circumstances like these. I can’t believe so many pp are saying you or the kids “should” go and being all dramatic about how it might be her last birthday. You can see her any other day!

If I make it to 90 I don’t want to guilt trip anyone into coming to any party.

I hope I’m bloody rich when I’m 90 so I can disinherit all the little shit grandchildren who “can’t be bothered.” Would die of embarrassment if I ever had kids like that…

[SueSaid]

Who are these 'shit little grandchildren who can't be bothered'?

The op has a very valid reason not to go, perhaps just perhaps her dc have also struggled with their dm being critically ill and want to stay at home to support her so she isn't home alone and feeling even worse?!

Try and have some empathy. They can see the dgm any time, outside in a garden or maybe even inside just not with a load of other people rammed in at the same time in a pandemic.

[onelittlefrog]

I wouldn't be attending an indoor event with a 90 year old, even if they didn't care I would worry about putting them at risk.

[Blossomtoes]

@onelittlefrog

I wouldn't be attending an indoor event with a 90 year old, even if they didn't care I would worry about putting them at risk.

So 90 year olds aren’t allowed to assess their own risk any more? How dare you make decisions for other people like that?

[Flowers500]

@onelittlefrog

I wouldn't be attending an indoor event with a 90 year old, even if they didn't care I would worry about putting them at risk.

Wow I know you think you’re virtuous but you have zero respect for the elderly. We should keep them all behind glass in nursing homes, extend their lives by 6 months and let me live and die alone?!? Are they not people who have a say in their own lives?

[Imnothereforthedrama]

You don’t want to go don’t go they will understand. The rest of the family should go and you should insist, we are reading this a lot people have anxiety about being out and I understand but do not pass that onto others .

[Imnothereforthedrama]

@onelittlefrog

I wouldn't be attending an indoor event with a 90 year old, even if they didn't care I would worry about putting them at risk.

Seriously let’s keep her locked up so she may see her 91st , or let her decide that she wants to enjoy her life and see her friends and family . It’s a celebration that’s life I can’t believe people think like this .

[LizzieW1969]

The op has a very valid reason not to go, perhaps just perhaps her dc have also struggled with their dm being critically ill and want to stay at home to support her so she isn't home alone and feeling even worse?!

^This may well be the case, although the OP hasn’t given this as the reason why they’re not going. She just says that ‘they’re not bothered’.

[BungleandGeorge]

@PurpleOkapi

YABU because if there's covid floating around that party, your son is going to catch it and expose you to it anyway. The risk of you getting covid may be real, but it's the same whether you go to the party or not. You not going doesn't meaningfully lessen the risk of you getting covid.

That’s not the case though. Say the risk of getting covid when in contact with an infected person is 50%. The sons risk at the party is 50%, the mothers risk of getting it from the son is then 25% (and can be reduced by ventilating their house and socially distancing etc).