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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In hospital

340 replies

2under2howscary · 22/07/2021 22:25

Okay. So I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable or not.

I woke up this morning with sudden onset blurry vision, and severe headache.

Went to eye a&e were I was found to have pressure in the back of my eyes, so they decided to send me straight to a&e

I went sent straight to a&e as told. I've had a CT can (awaiting results) where they're querying a blood clot or intercranial hypertension.

My partner works away. Tonight he is 2 hours away in Preston. He's gone out for dinner with his work friends which is fine. Here is where I may be unreasonable.
I asked him not to get drunk in case I needed him tonight, or for whatever reason he had to drive back. He agreed three times.

I've just been texting him and he's drunk as anything. He says I'm having a pop for no reason, and just being argumentative and stopping him having drinks for no reason. He'll no doubt stop talking to me now.

So AIBU for asking him not to drink? Even though he's 2.5 hours away?

OP posts:
endofthelinefinally · 23/07/2021 07:28

That is excellent! He can go and stay with his mum, you can change the locks. Claim whatever you are entitled to until you get sorted out /get a lodger. Claim CM. I know it isn't easy, but it is easier than a divorce.
If you post on relationships you will get lots of good advice.

pilates · 23/07/2021 07:29

Op, seriously, what are you getting from him apart from severe grief? Please set the bar higher and get rid. You will be so much happier.

BishBashBoshBush · 23/07/2021 07:43

@endofthelinefinally

That is excellent! He can go and stay with his mum, you can change the locks. Claim whatever you are entitled to until you get sorted out /get a lodger. Claim CM. I know it isn't easy, but it is easier than a divorce. If you post on relationships you will get lots of good advice.
This!!!!!
WB205020 · 23/07/2021 07:49

@2under2howscary
Firstly, I’m glad you are home and the scans didn’t point to anything really serious.
In regards to the person you call your partner…..I firmly believe you are the true colours of a person. When the ships are down. How they react. They can be scared, that’s fine but if they do what your DP did they are unbelievably selfish and ultimately so not care about you. It’s not about what the results are today it’s about the potential for what they could have been.

I usually am the last person to say leave and often roll my eyes when people say it so freely on here but based on what you have put I believe you are better off without him. Consider your options carefully because I suspect he will be the kind of person to make life very difficult for you post split with 1 child let alone 2.

snoozeytime · 23/07/2021 07:53

I've been in this exact situation and it's extremely scary. My husband was on a stag do 2 hours away, luckily driving related so he hadn't started drinking yet. He dropped everything to race back to me. Your oh is being a dick!

I wanted to share my experience of Idiopathic Intercranial Hypertension tho as when I was in hospital I read a lot of people online who had been suffering with it for years which freaked me out. I guess those are the people who need the outlet of writing in forums.

I had a horrendous headache unlike anything I'd ever had. Blurred vision which turned into double vision. Three gps said it was stress headaches, so I went to the optician and they sent me straight to a and e. I had a lumbar puncture and they gave me some pills. Almost instant relief. Came off the pills a few months later (I'm guessing they wouldn't be able to give you the pills as they are unsuitable for pregnant ladies). Since then I have had one tiny relapse which was sorted early as I knew the signs with just a lumbar puncture and nothing since then. Now 5 years on.

I hope things are as straight forward for you. I'm sure they will be, although you are perfectly entitled to be feeling anxious at this point. And I would be thinking of ways to leave that totally useless dp. Sending hugs

Whydidimarryhim · 23/07/2021 07:55

He’s treating you like dirt on his shoe.
Yes children adore daddies but you want your child to have healthy role models don’t you. Your sons will grow up treating women like dirt and your daughters will grow up attracting abusive useless men.
He treats you like he does because he can.
Do not be grateful for 20% of niceness - I assume you had poor ineffective parents?
I’d suggest seeking counselling if you can.
You could look up the Freedom Programme which you may find helpful.
He doesn’t care for you - I’m sorry that maybe painful to hear but he only cares for himself.
You have the tenancy in your name. You can ask him to leave.
You will get some tax credits.
He’s shown you who he is.
He’s not a good father.
He has already said he will quit his job so he doesn’t need to pay Child support - what a f.....er.
I hope you have real life support. 💐

TheTallOakTrees · 23/07/2021 08:05

He doesn't appear to care for you at all

I hope it works out for you and all ok

TheEelOfMisfortune · 23/07/2021 08:07

@Reallybadidea

Let me get this straight - your 9 month old is being looked after by his grandma because his mum is sick in hospital and his dad has gone out partying?

I don't wand to make you feel worse but WTAF?!

This. The desire to get well so I could leave this wankbadger would be so strong I would be known as a medical miracle for decades!

I had a BF years ago and I ended up in A & E as a result of taking on his ex wifes cat. Ex wife was pregant and wanted rid. I was allergic but agreed. The BF visited once and stayed five minutes. That was a feckin eye opener !

Maggiesfarm · 23/07/2021 08:07

'See! No need to be dramatic and stressed out! Everything was fine anyway'

I don't think intracranial hypertension is nothing! Far from it.

Your husband sounds extremely unpleasant and irresponsible. I don't get the need to go out and get drunk when you are a grown man with a family; his foul temper, too, is totally unacceptable.

borntobequiet · 23/07/2021 08:15

You need to kick him out. I did this when I was pregnant with my second child (also a contraception fail) because I knew that once I had the baby it would be more difficult, emotionally and practically. I have to say, though, that my partner’s behaviour wasn’t anything as bad as yours’, just run of the mill laziness, thoughtlessness and selfishness.
Like you I had a flat that was mine. This was a huge advantage (he went to his Mum’s). I spent the remainder of the pregnancy making plans for the future to ensure that I could manage on my own, building a support network and thinking about my long term prospects. ExP gave me no financial support (this was before CSA and it was easy for him to be unhelpful, plus I knew asking would be a waste of time). Luckily I had a supportive family.
Life with a good partner is a wonderful thing, but if your partner is no good, you’re better off on your own.

catfunk · 23/07/2021 08:23

He doesn't give a shit about you. I'd get rid.

SirVixofVixHall · 23/07/2021 08:28

What a horrible person he is, you can do so much better than this Op.

SRS29 · 23/07/2021 08:35

OP can't you just tell him not to come home and change the locks if tenancy in your name only? Please really consider this....there is time if he is away x

LunaTheCat · 23/07/2021 08:37

Oh, I am sorry, what a pig of a man ( with apologies to pigs)
Please know that you are not facing this alone, that all these people here care for you. Xxx

Tistheseason17 · 23/07/2021 08:37

Change the locks.
Put his stuff outside.
Live a better life.

ButYouGottaHaveASkillJeff · 23/07/2021 08:40

@Tistheseason17

Change the locks. Put his stuff outside. Live a better life.

People band about LTB like confetti on here but as the tenancy is in your name, I really think this is the way forward. He is no role model for your son let alone a decent partner for yourself.

1Endeavour2 · 23/07/2021 08:41

How can you rely on him for anything now or in the future? He's not grown up enough for a partner or a child. Consider your future when you're feeling better.

WilsonMilson · 23/07/2021 08:42

It’s not often I’m shocked, but this is jaw dropping. You are pregnant, were admitted to hospital with possible blood clot in brain and your ‘partner’ doesn’t even bother his arse to drive back, or to care for your baby son, but proceeds to go out on the piss?????

Just process that for a second.

I’m furious on your behalf. That would be absolutely it for me. This man does not give a single shit about you. No decent human being would behave that way. Please, for your own sake and that of your children, end this now, pack his bags and end this relationship. Unforgivable behaviour. He does not care about your welfare or that of his children.

ShitPoetryClub · 23/07/2021 08:47

He is an utter disgrace, also if one of my sons behaved like him I would support my dgtr in law 100 percent.sounds like his parents are too scared to say anything to him.

Zippy1510 · 23/07/2021 08:47

You are far too accommodating op. If you are admitted to hospital your DH should not be going out for dinner let alone getting pissed. He should be there and support you in hospital. It is completely unacceptable that he isn’t.

NettleTea · 23/07/2021 08:49

I tell you what, even if he DID quit his job to avoid CSA (he wont, btw, this is just a threat because he knows 100% what a shit he is, and no, he wont go for 50-50 custody or any other hollow threat he throws out) and you are left on universal credit, it will still be one hundred times better than this slow death by a thousand cuts he is subjecting you to.

You can survive without him and your mental health and possibly physical health with improve greatly without him knocking you down.

He isnt your husband, he isnt on the tenancy, no doubt he can go to mummy or these myriad friends who he prefers to socialise with.

Tell him not to come home

hedgehogger1 · 23/07/2021 08:54

YANBU. My DH would have been coming straight to me if I said I was in A&E. I'm verging on LTB. Does he usually have you so low on his priorities?

81Byerley · 23/07/2021 08:57

I'm so sorry, but you do know that this has to be the time you throw him out? You will be much happier by yourself with your children.

Heyha · 23/07/2021 08:58

Oh OP, I feel for you. Tell him to piss off to his parents, they sound like reasonable people so will probably be half expecting it anyway after all that. Pack his stuff up at your leisure and get the locks changed, then do what you need to do to get the support from him you actually deserve- what he lacks in emotional support he can make up for in cold hard maintenance cash. Good on you for having the foresight to not put him on the tenancy in the first place. No need to burn bridges with your PILs as it sounds like they may still help you if you're stuck and also will hopefully talk some sense into the man if he tries to be awkward about things.

littlefireseverywhere · 23/07/2021 09:05

I think you need to get him out for some headspace & clarity of what you want to do. When you’re feeling better can you take your DC for a break for a few days ?

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