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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was I unreasonable to hide the cider from DH?

110 replies

dancygnik · 22/07/2021 21:21

The last 6 months DH has drunk alcohol every single day. I don't like it and we've talked about it before but he says he enjoys it. In the week it's usually only 1 or 2 cans per day but I still feel he should have at least a couple of days off alcohol per week.
I mentioned I thought he was an alcoholic and he got really nasty with me.

By Tuesday he has drunk all beer in the house so started on the cider which I had bought last weekend for us to share but there's only 2 bottles left and I haven't had any yet (I dont drink in the week so was waiting until I fancied one at the weekend) however he started on the cider Tuesday so I hid the last 2 bottles so he cousins drink them last night. He is really pissed off at me for hiding them. I do feel a bit awkward doing it and wondering if I should just apologise and shut up about him drinking every night even thought i think it's unhealthy and would prefer him to cut down?

OP posts:
Original poster
dancygnik · 22/07/2021 21:22

*couldnt not cousins!

OP posts:
samwitwicky · 22/07/2021 21:23

YABU.

You're unreasonable for not treating him like the adult he is. It's his choice.

That said, there's no reason you can't sit down with him and explain why you feel the way you do.

But ultimately, it's his choice.

LagunaBubbles · 22/07/2021 21:27

Yabu. Hes a grown adult who can make his own choices, you can't treat him like a child. I get your worried but I don't think 1 can a night makes him an alcoholic, You need to have a proper conversation with him.

FredBlankenship · 22/07/2021 21:29

Let me get this straight, he drinks 1 or 2 cans of an evening, during the week and you mentioned you thought he was an alcoholic. You need to seriously re-think what an alcoholic is, trust me, I know.

As regards the being unreasonable or not, I'm sorry I just couldn't get past that first bit....

Just talk to him - but retract the 'alcoholic' comment and take it from there...

Travis1 · 22/07/2021 21:29

Well he’s had his quota of what you’d bought for you both so making sure he doesn’t drink yours is fair enough but the alcoholism is another issue. Suppose you have to decide if it’s a deal breaker for you. It would be for me.

MiniCooperLover · 22/07/2021 21:31

You think it's unhealthy and would prefer him to cut down ... and so he must ??! God OP, you have no idea about alcoholics at all if you're giving him a hard time for 1 or 2 cans a night. If I was him I'd be very very pissed off at you trying to control so much.

MaverickDanger · 22/07/2021 21:33

I wouldn’t hide it from him, but I’d make it clear that he needs to replace it before the weekend so that you can have your share.

name6785 · 22/07/2021 21:34

OP I understand, I grew up with an alcoholic parent and I've been known to hide alcohol when I get uncomfortable if he's getting a bit tipsy- it's irrational, lots of psychological stuff going on in the background. He doesn't drink every day (not on work nights) but that would make me uncomfortable. Whilst you can't stop him, can you not buy it? Will he go buy it himself?

The financial aspect of drinking everyday would annoy me tbh.

YoComoManzanas · 22/07/2021 21:35

You are being a bit controlling. Leave the poor guy be. If he drinks all the cider then he needs to replace it before you want one. However, my dh would not have drunk my portion without checking if I wanted it first.

Original poster
dancygnik · 22/07/2021 21:36

I used to live with an alcoholic who hung him self as my DH is aware. So yes, I know exactly what it's like living with an alcoholic

OP posts:
Polmuggle · 22/07/2021 21:37

@FredBlankenship

Let me get this straight, he drinks 1 or 2 cans of an evening, during the week and you mentioned you thought he was an alcoholic. You need to seriously re-think what an alcoholic is, trust me, I know.

As regards the being unreasonable or not, I'm sorry I just couldn't get past that first bit....

Just talk to him - but retract the 'alcoholic' comment and take it from there...

He can't go a day without alcohol. He has a problem.

Op not unreasonable at all to save your share of the cider for yourself!

hellcatspangle · 22/07/2021 21:37

But ultimately, it's his choice.

Well it's OP's choice to save some of the cider for herself!

Thehop · 22/07/2021 21:48

If he can’t go a day without alcohol he’s an alcoholic.

I couldn’t live with that. It’s up to you what you do next.

a YANBU to hide your own share of the cider.

Hunkydory99 · 22/07/2021 21:49

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable OP, you’re obviously concerned for his well-being but rather than seeing where you’re coming from he’s got ‘nasty?’
Swap alcohol for food in this house - I have to hide treats from DP. He knows I do it. Partly so when I fancy something there is some for me to have and partly I’m concerned for my other half’s health. His obese, nearly morbidly so and i’ve voiced my concerns about the implications on his health. He had a tough upbringing and would go days without proper sustenance so whenever treats are in the house he pigs out. If I don’t buy things like cakes or crisps he does so himself but makes sure to only get the flavours he likes so he doesn’t have to share. I don’t know what else I can do

name6785 · 22/07/2021 21:51

(Just to clarify I was calling myself irrational not you)

bloodyhell19 · 22/07/2021 21:52

I say this as a former drinker:

If anyone in a house is having to hide alcohol - either by the drinker or from the drinker - there's a problem.

If he can't go one day without drinking, there's a problem.

If the first thing he reaches for is nastiness when it's questioned whether or not he has a problem, he has a problem.

I've been this person and you were not unreasonable. You cannot trust him not to drink them and you cannot trust him to replace them. He doesn't care what he's drinking, he just wants to drink - so no, save the stuff you like for yourself.

amelema · 22/07/2021 21:55

I'm a recovering alcoholic and trust me...I wished I could drink only 1 or 2 drinks a night in the depths of it. I don't think he has much of a problem.

RandomMess · 22/07/2021 21:58

He does seem to be alcohol dependent if he has to drink every evening isn't that just a functioning alcoholic?

Just because he isn't drunk doesn't mean he isn't addicted?

Still at least he hasn't been bothered enough to go out and get so more himself, I guess that's a positive.

GeorgiePorge · 22/07/2021 21:59

YANBU - but if you have lived with an alcoholic before, you will know that at the point that you are trying to control their intake (by hiding alcohol or restricting money or whatever method) then you are already fighting a losing battle.

Talk to him. Ask him, for your sake to have a few alcohol free days and see if he can manage it.

OneTC · 22/07/2021 22:04

You need to seriously re-think what an alcoholic is, trust me, I know.

Problematic drinking is about habit and how much impact breaking that habit has on your behaviour and those around you. it isn't purely about excessive drinking

AiyaNapawithmorenaps · 22/07/2021 22:05

I think he has a problem. I would also say it's not unreasonable of you to want to save some of the alcohol which you had agreed to share until the time when you want to drink it. Swap the situation for two steaks, if he ate your steak which you were saving, you'd be angry and he'd be U. I'd say to him, if he hasn't got a problem then he wouldn't have a problem cutting down.

Dontwatchfootball · 22/07/2021 22:05

@bloodyhell19

I say this as a former drinker:

If anyone in a house is having to hide alcohol - either by the drinker or from the drinker - there's a problem.

If he can't go one day without drinking, there's a problem.

If the first thing he reaches for is nastiness when it's questioned whether or not he has a problem, he has a problem.

I've been this person and you were not unreasonable. You cannot trust him not to drink them and you cannot trust him to replace them. He doesn't care what he's drinking, he just wants to drink - so no, save the stuff you like for yourself.

This. People are so dismissive of their drinking, and these threads are always full of the whole 'well I do it, so it must be ok' brigade. This post brilliantly sums up the problem with that.
Hoppinggreen · 22/07/2021 22:06

Having to drink every day and getting annoyed when this isn’t possible does suggest an issue with alcahol

samwitwicky · 22/07/2021 22:12

@hellcatspangle

But ultimately, it's his choice.

Well it's OP's choice to save some of the cider for herself!

She hid them to stop him drinking them. Not to save them for herself.

Read the OP again.

Happylittlethoughts · 22/07/2021 22:20

Thank goodness a few sane voices have appeared. Totally surprised by the initial comments suggesting you know nothing . I'd be unhappy with this frequency and attachment to alcohol. Only you are in the house with this man. If you are uncomfortable then please act on your own behalf , not his. You can't control this for him to fix it. Please use your energy to affect change for you.

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