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AIBU?

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Original poster

Was I unreasonable to hide the cider from DH?

110 replies

dancygnik · 22/07/2021 21:21

The last 6 months DH has drunk alcohol every single day. I don't like it and we've talked about it before but he says he enjoys it. In the week it's usually only 1 or 2 cans per day but I still feel he should have at least a couple of days off alcohol per week.
I mentioned I thought he was an alcoholic and he got really nasty with me.

By Tuesday he has drunk all beer in the house so started on the cider which I had bought last weekend for us to share but there's only 2 bottles left and I haven't had any yet (I dont drink in the week so was waiting until I fancied one at the weekend) however he started on the cider Tuesday so I hid the last 2 bottles so he cousins drink them last night. He is really pissed off at me for hiding them. I do feel a bit awkward doing it and wondering if I should just apologise and shut up about him drinking every night even thought i think it's unhealthy and would prefer him to cut down?

OP posts:
godmum56 · 22/07/2021 22:29

lots of stuff here I think there definitely is A problem but the question is which problem?
If he had drunk the cider could the family budget have stood buying more?...ie was it greed and thoughtlessness on a par with eating all the cake or something like that?
I do agree that if he can't go a day without alcohol even if its not much then he has a problem but....well.....if you are disapproving of it could it be "eff you" drinking?
I know from professional and personal experience that its bloody annoying to be asked if you have got an alcohol problem. I was asked by a locum GP at a time when i was virtually TT because I might have needed to drive at any point 24/7 and I pretty much ripped her a new one.
Whatever the problem is, he's not going to stop because you think he should...I mean why should he?
Your only choice is stay or go.

TimeIhadaNameChange · 22/07/2021 22:44

@samwitwicky - she bought them to share, he'd had his two so she hid hers so they'd still be there when she wanted them.

I've done the same, @dancygnik, and should have done recently. In that case it was Pimm's, which he doesn't like. He'd drunk half which I knew, but come the hot Friday night when I fancied a glass the bottle was nowhere to be found. I messaged him and yep, he'd drunk the whole lot.

He did get a friend to pop me a bottle round the next day, but it's not the point.

Hopeisnotastrategy · 22/07/2021 22:44

You are being ridiculous.

Even more so in this warm weather.

TableFlowerss · 22/07/2021 22:46

To those saying he can’t go a day with alcohol therefore he’s an alcoholic, that’s not necessarily true.

If someone drinks 1/2 cans every day of the week they could still be within their guidelines, obviously for a man.

Yet if he drinks only Friday and Saturday but drinks the 21 units over 2 days, it could be said that’s worse.

Even worse of someone drinks over the recommended units over 2 days as that binge drinking. Doesn’t mean they’re an alcoholic though…

Most alcoholics drink ti block out something and feel the buzz. An alcoholic wouldn’t feel the buzz after 1/2 cans.

Some people on MN think someone that can drink a bottle of wine in or night is an alcoholic 🙄

TableFlowerss · 22/07/2021 22:48

@amelema

I'm a recovering alcoholic and trust me...I wished I could drink only 1 or 2 drinks a night in the depths of it. I don't think he has much of a problem.
This!
justasking111 · 22/07/2021 22:50

You lost someone to alcohol. That colours your opinion. I don't think he has a problem but he needs to be more understanding of your fear

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 22/07/2021 22:53

@TableFlowerss

To those saying he can’t go a day with alcohol therefore he’s an alcoholic, that’s not necessarily true.

If someone drinks 1/2 cans every day of the week they could still be within their guidelines, obviously for a man.

Yet if he drinks only Friday and Saturday but drinks the 21 units over 2 days, it could be said that’s worse.

Even worse of someone drinks over the recommended units over 2 days as that binge drinking. Doesn’t mean they’re an alcoholic though…

Most alcoholics drink ti block out something and feel the buzz. An alcoholic wouldn’t feel the buzz after 1/2 cans.

Some people on MN think someone that can drink a bottle of wine in or night is an alcoholic 🙄

But it's not about units and guidelines. It's about not being able to go without alcohol, being dependent on it and alcohol causing problems with relationships.

It starts with low amounts and can build up to a lot worse which is why it's the dependency on it. My DM started on a glass of wine a day, went up to a bottle a day and then finally ended up on 1.5 litres of vodka a day.

I'm not saying he is an alcoholic but the fact he can't go without it for a day is worrying

HangingOver · 22/07/2021 22:58

If someone drinks 1/2 cans every day of the week they could still be within their guidelines

There's no safe amount of alcohol though - people quote those "guidelines" as if they're akin to your RDA of fruits and vegetables. It's toxic - it's a poison.

Drinking every day for 6 month isn't good. The term alcohol is outdated and not useful. Psychological dependency doesn't have a set threshold. If it's not harming his life or health then you could argue it's not doing a great deal of damage (apart from slightly raised chances of certain diseases). But I will say this, every drinker who loses everything at one point passed as a "normal" drinker. Daily drinking long term puts everyone who does it at risk of psychological and physical dependence, and unfortunately you don't know when you've passed the threshold until it's already happened.

pinkcircustop · 22/07/2021 22:59

YANBU, but he drinks too much and you shouldn’t have alcohol in the house.

I would just pour any alcohol he brought home away. Then it’s his choice to decide if he wants to stay at home with his family sober, or leave and drink.

Dontwatchfootball · 22/07/2021 23:00

@TableFlowerss

To those saying he can’t go a day with alcohol therefore he’s an alcoholic, that’s not necessarily true.

If someone drinks 1/2 cans every day of the week they could still be within their guidelines, obviously for a man.

Yet if he drinks only Friday and Saturday but drinks the 21 units over 2 days, it could be said that’s worse.

Even worse of someone drinks over the recommended units over 2 days as that binge drinking. Doesn’t mean they’re an alcoholic though…

Most alcoholics drink ti block out something and feel the buzz. An alcoholic wouldn’t feel the buzz after 1/2 cans.

Some people on MN think someone that can drink a bottle of wine in or night is an alcoholic 🙄

And some people on MN are in total denial about what is problem drinking. If you cant go a day without a substance non essential to life, then you have a problem.

The recommendation is for 14 units a week not 21.

Binge drinking is not good, but neither is drinking every day. Both are unhealthy and just because your drinking rate is more steady does not make it ok.

If you are drinking a bottle of wine in a night, you are drinking too much. You are disrupting your Central Nervous System, sleep pattern, taking in empty calories and affecting your liver.

Alcohol is potentially very dangerous (the worst and most dangerous withdrawal of any drug). The fact that it is legal does not make it better.

Alcoholics drink for many reasons but mainly because they feel they cannot cope without alcohol. The amount they ingest is less important than their rationale for drinking, or rather the reasons they give why they cannot manage without a drink.

StCharlotte · 22/07/2021 23:04

If you didn't buy it OP, would he?

DismantledKing · 22/07/2021 23:06

Drinking every night for 6 months means that he has a problem.

furiouslytyping · 22/07/2021 23:12

@samwitwicky

By Tuesday he has drunk all beer in the house so started on the cider which I had bought last weekend for us to share but there's only 2 bottles left and I haven't had any yet

I assume that means she fancies her share of the cider in the next couple of days?

TableFlowerss · 22/07/2021 23:18

Alcoholics drink for many reasons but mainly because they feel they cannot cope without alcohol. The amount they ingest is less important than their rationale for drinking, or rather the reasons they give why they cannot manage without a drink

You do make some very good points and I don’t disagree with some of them, but the bit in bold is subjective.

If 14 units is the safe limit a week, my point is, can one can each night be any worse than drinking 14 units in one night?!

Whether or not they go on to drink more and more, that’s a separate issue, but I don’t think an alcoholic only drinks the recommended units of 14 each week. They’re more likely to drink 14 units each day…..

TableFlowerss · 22/07/2021 23:18

@Dontwatchfootball

bloodyhell19 · 22/07/2021 23:20

Sorry to double post but the idea of units is nonsense really. Units are the action part of it, but it doesn't account for the actual mental compulsion of drinking. Far too many people (myself included, in the beginning...) think well it's only the one - I'm allowed it. But when that one is every single night because you cannot go without, that's a dependency and that's a problem. And that one or two drinks will spiral because eventually it will never be enough.

timeisnotaline · 22/07/2021 23:23

I wouldn’t be happy with him thinking he can move onto your cider, or with being nasty. I don’t think it’s ok to need a drink every day, but not sure what you can do about it as he’s an adult, except agree that he’s an adult, can do whatever he likes, but it would be really greedy to take all his alcohol and yours so in future you’re buying just your own and if he can’t not drink it then he really does have a problem and needs to admit it.

RealBecca · 22/07/2021 23:25

Yanbu.

BlackForestCake · 22/07/2021 23:25

@DismantledKing

Drinking every night for 6 months means that he has a problem.
No it doesn't.
househousehousefox · 22/07/2021 23:26

@bloodyhell19

I say this as a former drinker:

If anyone in a house is having to hide alcohol - either by the drinker or from the drinker - there's a problem.

If he can't go one day without drinking, there's a problem.

If the first thing he reaches for is nastiness when it's questioned whether or not he has a problem, he has a problem.

I've been this person and you were not unreasonable. You cannot trust him not to drink them and you cannot trust him to replace them. He doesn't care what he's drinking, he just wants to drink - so no, save the stuff you like for yourself.

This. Fucking hell this.
BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 22/07/2021 23:27

Lots of people cant go a day without a coffee. Meh.

I have a glass of wine at dinner most evenings. Sometimes I dont, often I do. I can assure you I am not an alcoholic.

DismantledKing · 22/07/2021 23:27

No it doesn't

Indeed it does. I think that a few on this thread are saying otherwise to minimise their own drinking habits.

TableFlowerss · 22/07/2021 23:28

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

Lots of people cant go a day without a coffee. Meh.

I have a glass of wine at dinner most evenings. Sometimes I dont, often I do. I can assure you I am not an alcoholic.

I can assure you, according to some of MN you are indeed an alcoholic! Shock

I don’t think you are!

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 22/07/2021 23:30

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

blubberyboo · 22/07/2021 23:30

@TableFlowerss

I’m a bit concerned by your interpretation of the guidelines. They are meant as guidelines for moderate occasional drinkers.
It does not mean that you can drink this amount every day for 6 months and not develop an alcohol problem.

In fact those guidelines you refer to actually state you should have several drink free days a week. It also states 14 units per week. A can of cider is 2 units , so 2 cans a day every day is 28 units a week.. twice the recommended guideline!! Still think OP has nothing to worry about?

My father has been alcohol dependent for 30 years and currently at end of life. Sometimes he could have managed on a couple of glasses a day but is still classed as alcohol dependent as his body can’t go without it.
It’s only when you stop and the body goes into DTs that you realise the dependency.
OPs partner is not willing to try a day without and got angry when she mentioned it..huge red flag for me

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