Was I unreasonable to hide the cider from DH?

[dancygnik]

The last 6 months DH has drunk alcohol every single day. I don't like it and we've talked about it before but he says he enjoys it. In the week it's usually only 1 or 2 cans per day but I still feel he should have at least a couple of days off alcohol per week.
I mentioned I thought he was an alcoholic and he got really nasty with me.

By Tuesday he has drunk all beer in the house so started on the cider which I had bought last weekend for us to share but there's only 2 bottles left and I haven't had any yet (I dont drink in the week so was waiting until I fancied one at the weekend) however he started on the cider Tuesday so I hid the last 2 bottles so he cousins drink them last night. He is really pissed off at me for hiding them. I do feel a bit awkward doing it and wondering if I should just apologise and shut up about him drinking every night even thought i think it's unhealthy and would prefer him to cut down?

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

Lots of people cant go a day without a coffee. Meh.

I have a glass of wine at dinner most evenings. Sometimes I dont, often I do. I can assure you I am not an alcoholic.

yes, actually they can...they might get withdrawal headaches if they are heavy caffeine consumers but there aren't coffeeholics or chocaholics in the same way that there are alcoholics.

It's your two bottles of cider. He's drunk his beer and his ciders. You haven't hidden his ciders from him you've taken yours as you re looking forward to them.

IIf he grumps at you , then he has a alcohol problems as he can't stop drinking til all his alcohol is gone and still wants to drink yours.

Yes, I think he has a problem

No, @Tableflowerss, the bit in bold is not subjective at all, it is how problem drinking is assessed. It is the function of the drinking which is more important than the amount. And you often find most about the function by asking what would happen if people could not have a drink. Harping on about actual units is a very old fashioned way of thinking about what constitutes problem drinking and really misses the point completely.

14 units is not a safe limit. It is the least bad. There is no completely safe amount of alcohol, it is literally a toxin. So it is not better or worse to drink each day. Either is not good.

Addiction and dependency on alcohol cover a massive range of actual drinks. You can have a really bad relationship to alcohol and drink far less than someone who has a good relationship with it.

But lots of people on this thread just don't want to consider that the amount they drink may be problematic, if not to them, then in other people. I never realized how f'ed up the British attitude to alcohol was until I lived on other countries.

[quote blubberyboo]@TableFlowerss

I’m a bit concerned by your interpretation of the guidelines. They are meant as guidelines for moderate occasional drinkers.
It does not mean that you can drink this amount every day for 6 months and not develop an alcohol problem.

In fact those guidelines you refer to actually state you should have several drink free days a week. It also states 14 units per week. A can of cider is 2 units , so 2 cans a day every day is 28 units a week.. twice the recommended guideline!! Still think OP has nothing to worry about?

My father has been alcohol dependent for 30 years and currently at end of life. Sometimes he could have managed on a couple of glasses a day but is still classed as alcohol dependent as his body can’t go without it.
It’s only when you stop and the body goes into DTs that you realise the dependency.
OPs partner is not willing to try a day without and got angry when she mentioned it..huge red flag for me[/quote]
I was saying one can of 2 units, each day would be 14 units.

As the pp explained, she has a glass of wine most nights with a meal, as many people do. Does that make them alcohol dependent? I don’t think so.

If units and the intake aren’t an issue and it’s more the reasons behind it, as suggests by a pp, then someone having a swine with their meal and partner, isn’t the same as someone drinking to drown out their worries etc…

Some people will become dependent, that I’ve no doubt. One of my parents was an alcoholic and we’d find bottles of vodka all around the house that they’d tried to hide an proclaim they aren’t an alcoholic- When evidently they were. They also passed away at 56.

But not everyone will become dependent and one glass of wine with a meal every night doesn’t mean someone will become dependent.

@Dontwatchfootball

No, *@Tableflowerss*, the bit in bold is not subjective at all, it is how problem drinking is assessed. It is the function of the drinking which is more important than the amount. And you often find most about the function by asking what would happen if people could not have a drink. Harping on about actual units is a very old fashioned way of thinking about what constitutes problem drinking and really misses the point completely.

14 units is not a safe limit. It is the least bad. There is no completely safe amount of alcohol, it is literally a toxin. So it is not better or worse to drink each day. Either is not good.

Addiction and dependency on alcohol cover a massive range of actual drinks. You can have a really bad relationship to alcohol and drink far less than someone who has a good relationship with it.

But lots of people on this thread just don't want to consider that the amount they drink may be problematic, if not to them, then in other people. I never realized how f'ed up the British attitude to alcohol was until I lived on other countries.

It makes no difference to me what anyone drinks. It’s their life and they can do what they chose.

Having a small glass of wine with a meal every night with their partner doesn’t make someone dependent.

OP i think you have every right to be concerned. You know your partner. However hiding alcohol wont make him stop unless he wants.

On the other side i hide chocolate to stop my partner eating as its my chocolate so i don't think your unreasonable.

To add - for health purposes people wouldn’t drink in an ideal world, but neither would they- eat too much processed fatty foods full of sugar artificial flavours and additives - but they do.

I would hazard a guess that obesity is much more of a concern to the state than alcoholism.

Neither are great but let’s be realistic people do like a drink.

@TableFlowerss - there have been several detailed answers to your points from a number of people, but what it comes down to is that you do not wish to accept that daily drinking is a problem. That is your prerogative, but the medical opinion is that it is. People are free to drink every day if they want to, but don't claim ignorance or medical dispensation to do so and harp on about numbers.

As for people doing what they choose - the issue is that substance misuse affects family members too, and that is what started this thread. OP is in a horrible situation where her husbands use is causing real problems. But then, people with dependency and addiction problems are incredibly selfish and refuse to see how their behaviour affects others.

@bloodyhell19

I say this as a former drinker:

If anyone in a house is having to hide alcohol - either by the drinker or from the drinker - there's a problem.

If he can't go one day without drinking, there's a problem.

If the first thing he reaches for is nastiness when it's questioned whether or not he has a problem, he has a problem.

I've been this person and you were not unreasonable. You cannot trust him not to drink them and you cannot trust him to replace them. He doesn't care what he's drinking, he just wants to drink - so no, save the stuff you like for yourself.

This! People in this thread telling you drinking everyday is not a problem are probably a being a bit defensive because they also drink everyday. In denial..

@TableFlowerss

To add - for health purposes people wouldn’t drink in an ideal world, but neither would they- eat too much processed fatty foods full of sugar artificial flavours and additives - but they do.

I would hazard a guess that obesity is much more of a concern to the state than alcoholism.

Neither are great but let’s be realistic people do like a drink.

Your guess would be wrong

Your guess would be wrong

Well that’s absolute nonsense for a start.

Do you know the social and financial cost to the country of alcohol abuse? It dwarfs unhealthy eating.

Alcohol is so normalised in British society that many people think daily drinking is normal. So much so that phrases like “wine o’clock” and “2pm isn’t too early for gin is it’? are amusing aren’t they? Destructive levels of drinking are normal, so if it’s questioned, lots of people get defensive and shirty and throw around words like ridiculous, over-the-top, unreasonable.

We are now seeing people in their 20s with alcoholic liver failure. People are dying from alcohol poisoning during a night out.

You have experience of living with an alcoholic. You have a bad feeling about your partner’s drinking based on what you are witnessing and feeling. Don’t ignore your instincts. You probably know that if he does have a problem, hiding booze, throwing it away etc won’t help. He will find a way of having alcohol anyway. Is it possible that he is drinking more than you see?

Well that’s absolute nonsense for a start.

Alcohol abuse contributes to crime, family breakdown, homelessness, ill health.

Drinking everyday and then getting arsey as you don't have some one day suggests a problem, whether it meets the threshold for being an alcoholic who gives a fuck, it's still an issue.

@DismantledKing

Do you know the social and financial cost to the country of alcohol abuse? It dwarfs unhealthy eating.

Are you actually serious? Obesity is more problematic than drinking and smoking and a quick google search will confirm that fact.

For someone that appears to do knowledgeable, I’m surprised you didn’t know that but then it suits your cause to say alcohol is more problematic.

Goes back to the issue, whether it be alcohol or high fat foods etc… they are both problematic.

Having alcohol every day isn't healthy. Lots of people minimise alcohol intake and jokingly dismiss the unhealthy effects of their drinking. We in the UK are an unhealthy nation eating and drinking far too much! So yes, the OP is right to be concerned about her partner's drinking.

I wouldn't be able to stay with someone who drank everyday, especially given your past experience.

then someone having a swine with their meal and partner

TableFlowerss

You’re just talking bollocks. Smoking has been long the greatest killer in this country. Although obesity contributes to poor health, it doesn’t contribute to crime and social problems.

And you’re obviously minimising alcohol problems to make yourself feel better.

@DismantledKing

Well that’s absolute nonsense for a start.

Alcohol abuse contributes to crime, family breakdown, homelessness, ill health.

People have choice. OP can leave him if she’s not happy with it.

Yes crimes are committed due to drink but that’s not really relevant to the issue as to what constitutes a problem with alcohol. Not everyone that drinks would commit a crime and those that do are likely to do it with it without drink if they’re that way inclined.

You were describing the toxins that people put in their body via alcohol and my point was that people do this via food and they don’t know when to stop. Obesity is a massive problem.

You talk about relationship break ups etc.. well if one partner starts putting in weight the other might leave as their body shape has changed.

@TableFlowerss you’re awful defensive……the op has said her husband got nasty over not having access to the cider. That is not normal.

You talk about relationship break ups etc.. well if one partner starts putting in weight the other might leave as their body shape has changed.

Just listen to yourself! Your entire argument is nonsense from start to finish. Are you seriously comparing the damage that alcohol does to individuals and relationships with weight gain? Does weight gain exacerbate DV and family breakdown?