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Original poster

How to talk to son about thoughts of identifying as a girl

112 replies

SummerBreeze1980 · 21/07/2021 20:10

I'm worrying a lot about this and just don't know how to approach it/what to do for the best. Things seem so different from when I was a teen.

About 3 months ago my DS (14) was on a trip with his best friend. While he was there he sent me a message 'I think I might be trans' and then immediately deleted it but I had already seen it. Tbh I thought him or his friend were just messing around and so I replied 'Shall I call you [girls version of his name]? He replied saying 'Actually I like Izzy' (not actual name)

When he got back from the trip I gently broached the subject and asked if that was how he really felt. He said yes but also he wasn't sure. I asked who knew about his feelings and it was only his best friend. He asked me not to tell his dad which I agreed to. His dad isn't prejudiced but he can be a bit blunt and a bit dismissive. Also his grandmother might then hear about it and she is very prejudiced.

Anyway, I told him I was glad he told me and he could talk to me about it anytime. He was very quiet and it seemed a difficult subject for him to talk about. Well, since then he's not brought it up but has seemed pretty happy although increasingly likes spending time in his room at home. Can be a bit withdrawn, eating and sleeping lots. Typical teen behaviour I guess.

Then a week or so ago his dad was over and he started talking about puberty and how our DS's voice is breaking and how he was turning into a man. I noticed my DS put his hands over his ears. I wondered if it was because of these feelings. A few days later I asked him if he was still having those feelings about being a girl and he said yes. I talked a bit about how his feelings were completely valid and I would support him no matter what. I also spoke about society's stereotypes of masculine/feminine and you could still be a boy and like feminine things etc. I also reiterated he could speak to me anytime. Again it was a really awkward conversation, he was very quiet and hardly spoke.

I want to give him the right support but I have no idea what that is. I can't talk to anyone about it as he wants me to keep it between us and it just means my worries go round and round in my head. I worry that he is worried about it, that it is making life hard for him. I want to help him to feel better about it. I just don't know how. I don't know whether these thoughts come from a feeling inside or from relating to friends. For context he has a friendship group of 4 (including him). His best friend is a girl who identifies as gay and the other 2 are girls who identify as boys. I'm not sure if this is relevant or not. Also he is Autistic again not sure if that is relevant but not to drip feed. Oh and he is home-educated but mixes with lots of other DC although this has of course been restricted due to Covid.

Any advice welcome!

OP posts:
BlatantlyNameChanged · 21/07/2021 20:14

I also spoke about society's stereotypes of masculine/feminine and you could still be a boy and like feminine things etc. I also reiterated he could speak to me anytime

The most important thing you can do is exactly this - be there for him, keep the lines of communication open, and reiterate that he can tell or ask you anything without fear of judgement.

BlatantlyNameChanged · 21/07/2021 20:18

Pressed send too soon.

I did a course via CYPS and in one of the end of session chats there was some discussion around these sorts of parenting issues where there isn't really a right or wrong answer but your child is unhappy and it's not really clear whether you should give them a nudge towards one particular choice. The general consensus was that you should try to listen and support your child without either encouraging or discouraging, so being a sounding board more than anything as nine times out of ten they need to verbalise the issue to make sense of it and then are able to pick through it themselves.

Frenchfancy · 21/07/2021 20:29

I'm not sure AIBU is the right place to post this. You need to tread carefully. You have started on the right path by talking about gender stereo types and letting him know that you support him. The autism definitely plays a part, as does the friendship group.

Original poster
SummerBreeze1980 · 21/07/2021 20:38

@BlatantlyNameChanged - thank you for the advice. I think I'd feel better if he really talked to me about it but he has been so reluctant when I've brought it up. He obviously finds it extremely difficult to talk about. He doesn't seem to act on these feelings as such - I mean he just wears his usual black t-shirt and hoodie and jeans. But then I suppose he would do if he doesn't want anyone but me and his best friend to know. Best friend's mum has mentioned in passing that they've painted nails or played around with some makeup. Ah, I'm sure I'm overthinking all this!

OP posts:
StillWeRise · 21/07/2021 20:39

I noticed that you said 'when his dad was over'....so, his dad doesn't live with you? and also his dad can be blunt and insensitive.
Is it possible that the most obvious male role model in his life he sees as for some reason not what he wants to be?
If that's true, maybe expose him to other male role models so he can see he can chose to be a man the way he wants to be one....he doesn't have to be like his dad if he doesn't want to.
I think it's easy, as a woman, to underestimate the struggles of male puberty.

PermanentTemporary · 21/07/2021 20:41

I'm immediately thinking about his relationship with his father. It sounds as if they are quite different in their personalities and views - maybe ds is unable to see growing up to be like him in any way as positive.

It sounds as if you live apart? Is there something ds would like to do that gets him offline and would help him see other men behaving and relating to him differently? Drama maybe or an art class?

Original poster
SummerBreeze1980 · 21/07/2021 20:41

@Frenchfancy - where would be better to post. And thanks for the advice.

OP posts:
PermanentTemporary · 21/07/2021 20:41

Xpost...

StillWeRise · 21/07/2021 20:43

great minds, PT Grin

Original poster
SummerBreeze1980 · 21/07/2021 20:45

@StillWeRise - oh, sorry forgot to say - yes his dad and I are separated. He lives with me and his little sister. I suppose he could feel like that. I'm not sure how to expose him to other male role models. There is my brother. I would describe him as not macho atall. We don't live close so don't see him and my SIL and little nephew a lot but we will be going to see them for a weekend in August.

OP posts:
Original poster
SummerBreeze1980 · 21/07/2021 20:47

@PermanentTemporary - he actually does an Art class but all the teachers are women! He is going to be attending college in September - hopefully there may be a male teacher there.

OP posts:
Original poster
SummerBreeze1980 · 21/07/2021 20:48

That has definitely given me something to think about and maybe chat with him about, thank you.

OP posts:
Honey12346 · 21/07/2021 20:50

Oof, autistic, spending a lot of time in his room (aka online) and has two girl friends identifying as boys? It's a full bingo card!

Stats say a lot of autistic children start identifying as trans. You should read irreversible damage and contact transgender trend. Good luck!

Original poster
SummerBreeze1980 · 21/07/2021 20:51

@Frenchfancy - oh and also would you mind elaborating on how his Autism and friendship group plays a part?

OP posts:
LaPufalina · 21/07/2021 20:53

[quote SummerBreeze1980]@Frenchfancy - where would be better to post. And thanks for the advice.[/quote]
The wise women on the sex and gender discussion board in feminism is a good starting point Smile

Original poster
SummerBreeze1980 · 21/07/2021 20:55

@Honey12346 - oh gosh! Thank you, is 'irreversible damage' a book? I will look up transgender trend.

I don't want to in any way invalidate his friends right to behave/do/identify as they like. But 3 of them identifying as trans and one gay...statistically it seems a bit odd.

OP posts:
EmeraldShamrock · 21/07/2021 20:55

Also he is Autistic again not sure if that is relevant.
Yes it is extremely relevant. I know a couple of trans DC all on the spectrum the link is massive.
My DD was non binary ASD cut her hair only wore dark baggy clothes, she is a mis fit in her mind she was searching for her place, basically lost. She is back.
My advice is try to be positive and not be critical. I laid it out to DD that I'd accept it and love them no matter what they choose.
I told her once it's out there will she be comfortable, lots of cousins all very girly, is she going to be comfortable in school, as someone who likes to be invisible by bring such stress.
I also told her about the women who died fighting for our rights and how her righteous nature can respect trans people while supporting women.
She is still an alternative dresser however more anime goth female styles.
I brought her to a neutral psychotherapist that didn't encourage it.
Focus on the realities if he changes.

Original poster
SummerBreeze1980 · 21/07/2021 20:56

@LaPufalina - thank you very much - I'll have a look.

OP posts:
toocold54 · 21/07/2021 20:57

You have done absolutely the right thing - by listening, supporting and not judging.
I don’t have any actual advice as you seem to be handling it brilliantly.

EmeraldShamrock · 21/07/2021 20:59

Is there a subliminal cult like message getting inside our teens heads.
Now with teachings in school.
I think my DD made the connection with feeling odd = non binary through school lessons, then YouTube Bam she met her people.

Funnylittlefloozie · 21/07/2021 20:59

Im not Frenchfancy, but....Many autistic teens feel "wrong" in their bodies. Its bad enough being a NT teen going through puberty, but chuck autism in as well, and its an absolute head-fuck. Deciding that the "wrong" feeling is because you are actually the wrong gender is quite a logical move for some teens.

If all your friends are into heavy metal, or horses, or Warhammer, or being goths, you will probably be into those things too. Its not a huge jump to suggest that gender-fluid kids have gender-fluid friends.

PermanentTemporary · 21/07/2021 20:59

I'm not autistic and am not an expert in any way though I know lots of autistic people. Some have described in different ways a sense of distance from their own body all their lives, and an approach to thinking that is much more cerebral and structured than mine. A lot simply don't understand how I can not want to understand the details about how something works Grin I'm trying to describe a difference in thinking that seems to fit well with finding being trans as a structured explanation for certain feelings. And I have no idea whether I'm being offensive - God knows I annoy my autistic friends a lot but they forgive me...

Original poster
SummerBreeze1980 · 21/07/2021 20:59

@EmeraldShamrock - thank you for sharing that. Definitely things to think about. Funnily enough his best friend went through a phase of black baggy clothes but now she dresses in an anime style.

OP posts:
toocold54 · 21/07/2021 21:00

Also spending time in their room is a teen thing.
He is going through puberty which is difficult for any teen so he is bound to feel conscious about his body and voice dropping. It’s important to not dismiss that he could be transgender but also be aware that he could just be a bit confused.

Eeve · 21/07/2021 21:01

@SummerBreeze1980 him being autistic is possibly the most relevant detail of all. I'm a clinical psychologist working in inpatient CAMHS, and I've yet to meet a transgender/ gender-curious young person that wasn't on the spectrum. I appreciate that this is anecdotal in the proper sense, however it's a huge question in the field of adolescent mental health, currently. Leading hypothesis is around kids with ASD sometimes feel that they don't "fit in", which in the current climate is being translated into "maybe I'm the wrong gender".

That may or may not be the case, but I would suggest continue what you're doing; lots of love and acceptance, giving a really safe space to listen. I'd be looking at addressing the underlying feelings of not fitting in, and the inevitable anxiety that brings.

Being a teenager is hard. Being a teenager with asd sometimes more so.

You're doing great.