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Original poster

How to talk to son about thoughts of identifying as a girl

112 replies

SummerBreeze1980 · 21/07/2021 20:10

I'm worrying a lot about this and just don't know how to approach it/what to do for the best. Things seem so different from when I was a teen.

About 3 months ago my DS (14) was on a trip with his best friend. While he was there he sent me a message 'I think I might be trans' and then immediately deleted it but I had already seen it. Tbh I thought him or his friend were just messing around and so I replied 'Shall I call you [girls version of his name]? He replied saying 'Actually I like Izzy' (not actual name)

When he got back from the trip I gently broached the subject and asked if that was how he really felt. He said yes but also he wasn't sure. I asked who knew about his feelings and it was only his best friend. He asked me not to tell his dad which I agreed to. His dad isn't prejudiced but he can be a bit blunt and a bit dismissive. Also his grandmother might then hear about it and she is very prejudiced.

Anyway, I told him I was glad he told me and he could talk to me about it anytime. He was very quiet and it seemed a difficult subject for him to talk about. Well, since then he's not brought it up but has seemed pretty happy although increasingly likes spending time in his room at home. Can be a bit withdrawn, eating and sleeping lots. Typical teen behaviour I guess.

Then a week or so ago his dad was over and he started talking about puberty and how our DS's voice is breaking and how he was turning into a man. I noticed my DS put his hands over his ears. I wondered if it was because of these feelings. A few days later I asked him if he was still having those feelings about being a girl and he said yes. I talked a bit about how his feelings were completely valid and I would support him no matter what. I also spoke about society's stereotypes of masculine/feminine and you could still be a boy and like feminine things etc. I also reiterated he could speak to me anytime. Again it was a really awkward conversation, he was very quiet and hardly spoke.

I want to give him the right support but I have no idea what that is. I can't talk to anyone about it as he wants me to keep it between us and it just means my worries go round and round in my head. I worry that he is worried about it, that it is making life hard for him. I want to help him to feel better about it. I just don't know how. I don't know whether these thoughts come from a feeling inside or from relating to friends. For context he has a friendship group of 4 (including him). His best friend is a girl who identifies as gay and the other 2 are girls who identify as boys. I'm not sure if this is relevant or not. Also he is Autistic again not sure if that is relevant but not to drip feed. Oh and he is home-educated but mixes with lots of other DC although this has of course been restricted due to Covid.

Any advice welcome!

OP posts:
MrsSkylerWhite · 21/07/2021 21:34

No advice, outside of my experience.
I do hope your child appreciates what a kind and sensible mum me has, though Smile

LizzieSiddal · 21/07/2021 21:38

SummerBreeze please ignore that awful post, it will be deleted when MNHQ get round to it. It’s not true at all x

RestartGame · 21/07/2021 21:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn as it quotes a deleted post

Serenschintte · 21/07/2021 21:46

Some boys find puberty really hard. Ds1 screamed in horror when he found he had public hair. Ds2 took it all in his stride. They both had ‘the talk’ multiple times from us and school. It was still a shock for him.
Even now DS1 will ask the occasional question about puberty and how difficult it is and he is an older teen.
Keep an eye on what he is looking at online.

Hoppinggreen · 21/07/2021 21:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn as it quotes a deleted post

sotiredofthislonelylife · 21/07/2021 21:50

[quote Eeve]@SummerBreeze1980 him being autistic is possibly the most relevant detail of all. I'm a clinical psychologist working in inpatient CAMHS, and I've yet to meet a transgender/ gender-curious young person that wasn't on the spectrum. I appreciate that this is anecdotal in the proper sense, however it's a huge question in the field of adolescent mental health, currently. Leading hypothesis is around kids with ASD sometimes feel that they don't "fit in", which in the current climate is being translated into "maybe I'm the wrong gender".

That may or may not be the case, but I would suggest continue what you're doing; lots of love and acceptance, giving a really safe space to listen. I'd be looking at addressing the underlying feelings of not fitting in, and the inevitable anxiety that brings.

Being a teenager is hard. Being a teenager with asd sometimes more so.

You're doing great.[/quote]
That makes perfect sense. Thank you for sharing a professional opinion. I hope it helps parents/carers who are struggling with the support their young people so clearly need.

beastlyslumber · 21/07/2021 21:53

It sounds like you are doing all the right things OP. Agree with others re. the autism connection. 'Irreversible damage' is mainly talking about young girls identifying as trans - I'm not sure if she covers boys? Not saying it's not going to be interesting and relevant for you to read, but just a heads up. Just to reassure you, the vast majority of children and young people who express they might be trans do desist once through puberty. It is all very abstract at that age, I think, and they are vulnerable to the idea that there's one simple solution for everything that feels wrong and weird about their body/existence. It's an attractive message in many ways! But he is very likely to grow out of it.

SquirrelFan · 21/07/2021 21:57

@EmeraldShamrock sorry to derail - can you please tell me how you found a neutral psychotherapist?

Mummyoflittledragon · 21/07/2021 22:12

Please have a listen to this information about grooming vulnerable teens. It is shocking. Idk if your ds is online and talking to anyone. But you should be aware of this.

Graham Linehan, the writer of father Ted is a very well known ally of women is a wealth of information. This is from his sub stack a couple of months ago. grahamlinehan.substack.com/p/grooming-its-different-for-boys

Mummyoflittledragon · 21/07/2021 22:12

I should have added this is about persuading boys they are trans.

KidneyBeans · 21/07/2021 22:26

Could he be gay?

Has he ever discussed his sexuality? Sadly it is increasingly societally acceptable for gay children to change gender to attempt to pass as heterosexual, it's becoming societally acceptable homophobia

EmeraldShamrock · 21/07/2021 22:35

@SquirrelFan It was privately booked. I asked his opinion on the evidenced link between ASD and gender confusion.
He agreed that she couldn't be born in the wrong body.

Gilead · 21/07/2021 22:56

I’m retired but was in a similar position to Eeve. This is very common with autistic people and appears more so in boys. I would agree with what Eeve says and add that autistic people are very easily manipulated.
You are doing a fabulous job but do keep an eye on what he’s accessing on the net.
Deep breath and take your time. Oh, and I too am autistic.

Original poster
SummerBreeze1980 · 21/07/2021 23:08

@MrsSkylerWhite - thank you so much
@beastlyslumber - thank you very reassuring.

OP posts:
Original poster
SummerBreeze1980 · 21/07/2021 23:09

@Mummyoflittledragon - I'll have a look, thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
SummerBreeze1980 · 21/07/2021 23:14

@KidneyBeans - I don't know, maybe. It's only really in the last 6 months that he's seemed to have changed from a boy to a teen. He's not shown any interest so far in either sex romantically but I will definitely try to gently give him the message that I would also fully support him being gay.

OP posts:
Smileyaxolotl1 · 21/07/2021 23:23

You sound like a great mum. It just be really hard.
I would perhaps see if you can chat to him about gender non conformity and show him some examples. For example Olly Alexander.

Original poster
SummerBreeze1980 · 21/07/2021 23:25

@gilead (hello from one autistic to another) thank you for your post - the link with Autism seems really important. A couple of people have said about watching what he is looking at online. I have to admit - I don"t know. When his only access was using the laptop or on a tablet I could literally keep an eye on it. But now he has a mobile so I can't see. How do others deal with this? I have to say I raised this issue with his SW a while ago and she just told me not to worry.

OP posts:
Sacredspace · 21/07/2021 23:53

@SummerBreeze1980.. have you considered that he may have chosen his friendship group because he has those same feelings, not that he has the feelings because of the friends and how they identify?

TheFoundations · 22/07/2021 00:05

All he will want from you and the rest of the world, whether he is trying to be like his friends, or is truly transgender, or is gay, or doesn't know yet, is to be heard and accepted without judgement. If there are things you don't know about being transgender, either he'll be able to tell you from his own experience, or you can learn about things together. There's so much to read these days, you could both be looking things up for yourselves and it could regularly come up in conversation, 'guess what I was reading today...'.

Being relaxed about it is key, I think, rather than having a panic about what support to give. You're his mum; you know how he likes to be supported and he hasn't changed.

Original poster
SummerBreeze1980 · 22/07/2021 00:55

@Sacredspace - well, tbh two of his friends - they have known each other since little children. The other is a more recent friend (who happens to be Autistic too).

OP posts:
Original poster
SummerBreeze1980 · 22/07/2021 00:56

@TheFoundations - yes, I like the idea of learning together.

OP posts:
Halfwaytoholiday · 22/07/2021 01:13

At 14 I would still expect to be able to check his phone. I have my dc's set so the history cannot be deleted.

Maggiesfarm · 22/07/2021 01:27

I think what you have said is sufficient for now, op. He knows he can talk to you if he needs to. Just carry on as usual. It could just be a phase and it is quite fashionable at the moment amongst school kids. He's too young to be doing anything drastic about it at the moment anyway (thank goodness).

Cardboardboxingring · 22/07/2021 02:20

Not discounting that ASD may be an element of it, but I know several trans people who are neurotypical. Also agree with others that he might have made friends with these people because he feels a similar way - I don't think it's that odd, statistically. All my friends in high school were LGBT, but it took us years from when we met and became friends for all of us to come out (I'm a bisexual woman). I think there is much more awareness amongst teens now of the possibilities of gender and sexuality expression and it's natural for them to try to explore it, just like teens explore many ways of presenting themselves and their identities. I appreciate that in this case it can be concerning as there are physical elements involved, and the arguments on both sides can be so extreme. As others have said it sounds like you are doing a great job of supporting your son. Please don't let the extreme arguments on either side scare you - as a queer woman (though not trans), the best thing for me was knowing that my parents loved me and supported me, and you're doing that already.