How to talk to son about thoughts of identifying as a girl

[SummerBreeze1980]

I'm worrying a lot about this and just don't know how to approach it/what to do for the best. Things seem so different from when I was a teen.

About 3 months ago my DS (14) was on a trip with his best friend. While he was there he sent me a message 'I think I might be trans' and then immediately deleted it but I had already seen it. Tbh I thought him or his friend were just messing around and so I replied 'Shall I call you [girls version of his name]? He replied saying 'Actually I like Izzy' (not actual name)

When he got back from the trip I gently broached the subject and asked if that was how he really felt. He said yes but also he wasn't sure. I asked who knew about his feelings and it was only his best friend. He asked me not to tell his dad which I agreed to. His dad isn't prejudiced but he can be a bit blunt and a bit dismissive. Also his grandmother might then hear about it and she is very prejudiced.

Anyway, I told him I was glad he told me and he could talk to me about it anytime. He was very quiet and it seemed a difficult subject for him to talk about. Well, since then he's not brought it up but has seemed pretty happy although increasingly likes spending time in his room at home. Can be a bit withdrawn, eating and sleeping lots. Typical teen behaviour I guess.

Then a week or so ago his dad was over and he started talking about puberty and how our DS's voice is breaking and how he was turning into a man. I noticed my DS put his hands over his ears. I wondered if it was because of these feelings. A few days later I asked him if he was still having those feelings about being a girl and he said yes. I talked a bit about how his feelings were completely valid and I would support him no matter what. I also spoke about society's stereotypes of masculine/feminine and you could still be a boy and like feminine things etc. I also reiterated he could speak to me anytime. Again it was a really awkward conversation, he was very quiet and hardly spoke.

I want to give him the right support but I have no idea what that is. I can't talk to anyone about it as he wants me to keep it between us and it just means my worries go round and round in my head. I worry that he is worried about it, that it is making life hard for him. I want to help him to feel better about it. I just don't know how. I don't know whether these thoughts come from a feeling inside or from relating to friends. For context he has a friendship group of 4 (including him). His best friend is a girl who identifies as gay and the other 2 are girls who identify as boys. I'm not sure if this is relevant or not. Also he is Autistic again not sure if that is relevant but not to drip feed. Oh and he is home-educated but mixes with lots of other DC although this has of course been restricted due to Covid.

Any advice welcome!

@onelittlefrog - tbf I've found this thread incredibly helpful. So I'm glad I asked Mumsnet!

@Theghostofchristmasarse - sorry to hear your DD and you are struggling. Ridiculous you can't get a pediatrician appointment just because she is 'good' at school and bright - many ASD DC are like that - it is at home it shows! I hope things improve. Showing our DC we love and support them is the most important thing, I think.

@MummBraTheEverLeaking - thank you so much

@BlatantlyNameChanged

I also spoke about society's stereotypes of masculine/feminine and you could still be a boy and like feminine things etc. I also reiterated he could speak to me anytime

The most important thing you can do is exactly this - be there for him, keep the lines of communication open, and reiterate that he can tell or ask you anything without fear of judgement.

This seems good advice

IMO (which is not professional or experienced tbh) if someone isn't sure they are trans then they are not. One thing is wishing you didn't have these feelings, another completely different thing is being influenced into thinking you are different and this may be the answer, and it isn't

Can you get yourself to imagine having surgery to change your sex organs? I can't. No matter how much I prefer men's fashion to women's people confuse gender stereotypes with transexuality a lot these days, it's concerning

@grey12 - yes, at this point I don't think anything can be said for certain. Questioning/exploring your identity is normal adolescence. I'm not jumping to any conclusions and will encourage my DS not to either.

It’s a phase and a fad. He thinks he identifies as a girl but it’ll only be hormones and confusion. He’ll grow out of it.

@RichPetunia - yes, this could indeed be the case.

I took my DS on a shopping trip and we had Mexican food and a frappe in a cafe. We talked loads. I decided not to raise the issue of 'gender identity'. I wanted to listen to him and just connect. So we chatted about video games, Taiwan and a paleontologist with scoliosis! He always has interesting things he's watched on You Tube! I asked him if he uses any SM aside from You Tube and he said he didn't which I was quite pleased about.

So he wanted to look for some t-shirts - we went in a few different shops and looked in the women's section - he chose a few t-shirts in plain black, navy and grey - so exactly the same as he already has! 😂 We got some face masks and curly hair shampoo but nothing different to normal. I also got him some witch hazel/tea tree oil cleanser and a 'spot wand' and got him to pick out some deodorant and he chose a fruity smell one from the women's section. He doesn't use deodorant yet but I said it was good to have it there for when he does need it. I offered nail varnish as I was getting some but he wasn't interested and even asked if he wanted his ear(s) pierced but no! So bless him, life continues as normal for now and he said he enjoyed the trip. I think regular 1:1 time may be the key to him knowing he has the time and space to share whatever he wants and to be himself whatever that may entail.

That sounds like such a lovely trip out! I agree that this sort of time together will be key. It probably feels very comforting and reassuring to him to have closeness with you at a time when the world is becoming more and more confusing and there is some pressure to 'grow up', whatever that means. It's lovely that you've given him some gentle options for how he dresses and grooms himself and shown him there's no judgement there. He might enjoy looking at pop stars like Prince and Bowie and the new romantics and others who were creative and courageous with their style. It's good to separate fashion and creativity from any dogmatic ideas about gender and identity, I think!

Since it isn't physically possible for a boy to grow up and become a woman, I would interpret his feelings as a psychological cry for help. I would assume he is feeling uncomfortable about puberty in some way he is finding hard to express. It might be helpful to reassure him that being male does not mean that he has to be limited in the way he expresses himself (whether that is what we would traditionally call "feminine" or "masculine" ways), just that he will grow up and become a man, and that being a man is a good thing to be.

@beastlyslumber - ah, thank you Good idea about Prince and Bowie - it would be good for him to see other males that haven't felt the need to stick to the masculine stereotype.

@PrincessNutella - I think he is definitely struggling with puberty. As I said before I have seen him cover his eyes when people have commented on his voice getting deeper and that he is becoming a man. I have discussed stereotypes with him and that that is all they are and we can express ourselves however we wish without it meaning we are a different sex. It is interesting you suggest reassuring him that 'being a man is a good thing to be'. I wonder if there is something in that. Sadly, he witnessed DV from his father aimed at me when he was very small. I have tried to get support for him around this issue for many years - not because he appeared to have a problem due to it as such but just that I felt a small child can't witness this and it not affect him. He doesn't particularly want to engage with this but would do as I feel it is important. Unfortunately it looked like something would be put in place but then Covid struck. I also don't have a particularly good relationship with my father. There is my brother who I would describe as a good role model - we don't live nearby unfortunately but we are going to stay next weekend. I think maybe he needs good male role models more than ever. Thank you - a lot of food for thought.

Feeling sad and overwhelmed, my DS just returned from a school trip (he was away a week), and sent us an email stating that he's a trans girl. He hasn't spoken about it, to either of us. We've always been the family that says "I love you!" multiple times each day and that hasn't changed. He wants to hang up a trans pride flag in his room, which is fine. I guess what I wondering is, how do you deal with the feelings you have?