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Original poster

How to talk to son about thoughts of identifying as a girl

112 replies

SummerBreeze1980 · 21/07/2021 20:10

I'm worrying a lot about this and just don't know how to approach it/what to do for the best. Things seem so different from when I was a teen.

About 3 months ago my DS (14) was on a trip with his best friend. While he was there he sent me a message 'I think I might be trans' and then immediately deleted it but I had already seen it. Tbh I thought him or his friend were just messing around and so I replied 'Shall I call you [girls version of his name]? He replied saying 'Actually I like Izzy' (not actual name)

When he got back from the trip I gently broached the subject and asked if that was how he really felt. He said yes but also he wasn't sure. I asked who knew about his feelings and it was only his best friend. He asked me not to tell his dad which I agreed to. His dad isn't prejudiced but he can be a bit blunt and a bit dismissive. Also his grandmother might then hear about it and she is very prejudiced.

Anyway, I told him I was glad he told me and he could talk to me about it anytime. He was very quiet and it seemed a difficult subject for him to talk about. Well, since then he's not brought it up but has seemed pretty happy although increasingly likes spending time in his room at home. Can be a bit withdrawn, eating and sleeping lots. Typical teen behaviour I guess.

Then a week or so ago his dad was over and he started talking about puberty and how our DS's voice is breaking and how he was turning into a man. I noticed my DS put his hands over his ears. I wondered if it was because of these feelings. A few days later I asked him if he was still having those feelings about being a girl and he said yes. I talked a bit about how his feelings were completely valid and I would support him no matter what. I also spoke about society's stereotypes of masculine/feminine and you could still be a boy and like feminine things etc. I also reiterated he could speak to me anytime. Again it was a really awkward conversation, he was very quiet and hardly spoke.

I want to give him the right support but I have no idea what that is. I can't talk to anyone about it as he wants me to keep it between us and it just means my worries go round and round in my head. I worry that he is worried about it, that it is making life hard for him. I want to help him to feel better about it. I just don't know how. I don't know whether these thoughts come from a feeling inside or from relating to friends. For context he has a friendship group of 4 (including him). His best friend is a girl who identifies as gay and the other 2 are girls who identify as boys. I'm not sure if this is relevant or not. Also he is Autistic again not sure if that is relevant but not to drip feed. Oh and he is home-educated but mixes with lots of other DC although this has of course been restricted due to Covid.

Any advice welcome!

OP posts:
Original poster
SummerBreeze1980 · 21/07/2021 21:02

@toocold54 - oh, that is so kind. It doesn't feel like it to me but you have definitely made me feel better!

@EmeraldShamrock - I don't know but it just feels a strange time. Very, very different to when I was a teen and noone identified as the opposite sex.

OP posts:
Eeve · 21/07/2021 21:03

(Ignore weird typing and grammar, I'm trying to ignore my annoying children)

Hoppinggreen · 21/07/2021 21:03

[quote SummerBreeze1980]@Frenchfancy - oh and also would you mind elaborating on how his Autism and friendship group plays a part?[/quote]
They dont necessarily play a part but a lot of dc who are autistic are trying to figure out what’s “wrong” with them and identifying as a different gender might seem like the answer.
Also kids do tend to get on a bit of a “bandwagon” sometimes
None of this means his feelings aren’t valid but those feelings are certainly more prevalent in certain groups

Original poster
SummerBreeze1980 · 21/07/2021 21:04

@Funnylittlefloozie - thank you - very helpful.

OP posts:
ItsAllGoingToBeFine · 21/07/2021 21:08

Support group here OP (for you):

bayswatersupport.org.uk/

EmeraldShamrock · 21/07/2021 21:08

@SummerBreeze1980 DD'S friendship all have similar interests they're geeky for the want of a better word, pc games, anime, alternative dressers.
I try not to react, she is a good child but it is worrying it makes her a target.

toconclude · 21/07/2021 21:09

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

LizzieSiddal · 21/07/2021 21:10

For context he has a friendship group of 4 (including him). His best friend is a girl who identifies as gay and the other 2 are girls who identify as boys.
So out of 4 close fiends, 3 think they are trans? L and one gay?
I would imagine your son wants to be just like his friends, as most teens do. Being a teen nowadays must be so hard. I think you’re handling it pretty well though OP.

EmeraldShamrock · 21/07/2021 21:13

I don't know but it just feels a strange time. Very, very different to when I was a teen and noone identified as the opposite sex.
Me too. I'm in a canoe without the paddle.

LizzieSiddal · 21/07/2021 21:13

ToConclude I’ve reported your disgraceful and unhelpful post. Suicide stats banded about by “trans allies” have been proved to be absolutely untrue and totally flawed. Stop repeating them!

manyan · 21/07/2021 21:14

He is autistic, so struggles with communication

He'll want to fit in but find it hard to do so

He has limited social contacts because he is home schooled

His friendship group only contains gender fluid / trans individuals

You could argue he is friends with people similar to himself

OR

You could argue the idea of being trans is contagious

I would be very careful to be open to either of these scenarios being "correct".

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 21/07/2021 21:15

@toconclude

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.
Don't discount intelligent, thoughtful, educated women as TERFS and don't listen to lies about suicide statistics. Children who identify as trans are no more likely to attempt suicide than any other young person with a mental health issue.
Original poster
SummerBreeze1980 · 21/07/2021 21:15

@PermanentTemporary - interesting, thank you. Oh and btw I'm Autistic too and don't think you are being offensive! But I'm sure my Autism is fueling me in needing to work out and know exactly what is going on - the uncertainty is awful!

OP posts:
jonkersdeplonkers · 21/07/2021 21:16

[quote Eeve]@SummerBreeze1980 him being autistic is possibly the most relevant detail of all. I'm a clinical psychologist working in inpatient CAMHS, and I've yet to meet a transgender/ gender-curious young person that wasn't on the spectrum. I appreciate that this is anecdotal in the proper sense, however it's a huge question in the field of adolescent mental health, currently. Leading hypothesis is around kids with ASD sometimes feel that they don't "fit in", which in the current climate is being translated into "maybe I'm the wrong gender".

That may or may not be the case, but I would suggest continue what you're doing; lots of love and acceptance, giving a really safe space to listen. I'd be looking at addressing the underlying feelings of not fitting in, and the inevitable anxiety that brings.

Being a teenager is hard. Being a teenager with asd sometimes more so.

You're doing great.[/quote]
That's really interesting. The two teens I know in real life who are identifying as trans or non-binary are on the autistic spectrum.

Original poster
SummerBreeze1980 · 21/07/2021 21:18

@toocold54 - yes, that's the thing - it's treading a fine line where both options are supported.

OP posts:
EmeraldShamrock · 21/07/2021 21:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn as it quotes a deleted post

EmeraldShamrock · 21/07/2021 21:21

I'm a clinical psychologist working in inpatient CAMHS, and I've yet to meet a transgender/ gender-curious young person that wasn't on the spectrum. I appreciate that this is anecdotal in the proper sense, however it's a huge question in the field of adolescent mental health,
Thank you. 👏🙂

Original poster
SummerBreeze1980 · 21/07/2021 21:21

@Eeve - thank you so much for your post. It does make a lot of sense. It's actually the kind of thing I probably could discuss with him as I think he'd find it interesting. Thank you for your kind words,too.

OP posts:
Original poster
SummerBreeze1980 · 21/07/2021 21:23

@ItsAllGoingToBeFine - lovely, thank you.

OP posts:
PermanentTemporary · 21/07/2021 21:23

I don't think that's helpful in the least Emerald. Especially given this particular child's experience where half his friendship group is trans - it is as normal to him to be trans as it was for my friends to like the A team or something- not trying to dismiss it but for good or ill it is normal for this generation to have a trans identity in some form.

Oblomov21 · 21/07/2021 21:24

Watching with interest. My closest friend had this.

BrozTito · 21/07/2021 21:25

Keep him off the internet

Oblomov21 · 21/07/2021 21:27

I would be very worried that he was online resting extremist posts encouraging him down a route that can't be changed. You need to wise up as to how influential some of these groups can be.

Oblomov21 · 21/07/2021 21:28

ASD. Oh my god that is vital. He feels the odd one out. Now he's going down this path. It's classic!

Original poster
SummerBreeze1980 · 21/07/2021 21:30

I have read all the replies and appreciate them so much (well apart from the one scaring me with suicide). Thank you, all.

OP posts: