MIL and food issues

[Lardibum]

Firstly, sorry if this is really long. I like my MIL a lot, we are complete opposites but we are friendly and have never had a disagreement - until now.
After giving birth to my second child 4 months ago I have lost 4 stone through very strict calorie counting and exercise as I am a compulsive binge eater, basically if I start I can't stop and though I am aware this is an issue I have been slowly chipping away as to why I do this (childhood abuse/divorce) I am still very far from having a good relationship with food. My husband works away a lot and doesn't have a sweet tooth so my solution is just not to have it available to me which works well. Anyway, my problem is that my MIL won't stop buying me treats because she thinks "I deserve them". She is naturally slim and can eat everything, basically she has a brilliant relationship with food. Just this week she has brought me two éclairs, a giant chocolate muffin and a takeaway fish and chips and even though I have begged her not to she won't stop because she doesn't understand why I can't just put them in the fridge for later. Even after all this she has just come back from the hairdressers and bought me a tub of ice cream - I feel like she's doing this on purpose.
It's actually beginning to make me quite angry as she is doing the same to my 18 month old daughter, she bought her a takeaway sausage roll for breakfast (she had already had porridge this morning) and when I went to wash her water cup which I couldn't see inside of she had sneakily put in chocolate milk which she has never had before. I asked her why she'd done it and she said it was for a treat - which is fine but how do I make her understand it isn't a treat if she does it nearly every day? She does the same when my daughter hurts herself, the solution is always food and I am so desperate for my babies to not turn out like I did as I struggle so much every day. I am so close to being a normal weight which I have never been before and I feel like I'm going backwards - I need to be stronger I know but I don't want her doing this to my children. For reference I let my daughter have a wide variety of foods and she has never been on a diet or had any restrictions, she is allowed everything in moderation - I also allow myself treats when I have spare calories to do so. I guess I just want to know if I'm right in calling her out and asking her to stop or should I accept this as a me problem and she is just being a loving grandmother?

You need to sit her down and explain properly and if she turns up with anything hand it back and say no, we have discussed this. And rinse and repeat till she stops.

First of all congratulations on the amazing weight loss.
I know exactly where you are coming from - I'm an if its there I can't leave it too; quite honestly I don't trust people who aren't, they can't be normal!!
Its hard to know whether she is just being "nice" or whether its a control thing, and she is trying to fatten you up.
You are going to have to be brutal. You have tried the gently gently approach by asking her not too. Next time refuse to accept them, tell her she takes them away or they go in the bin. If you need to, bin them in front of her. She'll soon stop.

YANBU at all. This sounds so stressful. Sounds like your MIL does have issues with food herself tbh.

However, if she is generally nice and supportive and has a good relationship with your DD I think I would want to keep her on side.

Would it help to sit her down (maybe with your DH there?) and have a heart to heart where you explain that you cannot accept food gifts, explain it's for your health etc, and be firm that you will not accept them. Then, I know it's harsh, but maybe if she brings them then you could actually pour washing up liquid or bleach over them in front of her?? This would have the effect of preventing you from eating it and letting her know you're serious. Surely after seeing this happen once or twice she wouldn't persist?

On treats for your DD. I wouldn't worry about the odd treat, but I would want to know it was happening. I think that I'd probably say that she is ok to give treats to your DD but needs to run it by you first. You could explain how dangerous secrecy is in general - secret eating causes eating disorders, encouraging keeping secrets from parents puts children at risk of abuse. And make clear you are not going to prohibit treats so there is no reason for secrecy anyway.

Good luck, this sounds very trying indeed.

Does your DH have the kind of relationship where he can have a bit of a firm word with her on your behalf if she’s not listening to you?
If that’s not an option then I think you need to start being firmer amd when she gives you things refuse to take them and hand them back or just say you’re putting them in the bin if she doesn’t take it back. I’d be doing similar when she brings stuff for your child. She may take offence but you’re understandably getting offended at what she’s doing.
I’m not convinced that she does have a brilliant relationship with food, it sounds like she doesn’t but as she doesn’t put on weight it doesn’t get noticed. It sounds a bit like she’s using food as a means of control as she knows it’s a weak spot for you so firmly taking back control might be the solution. If she wanted to be supportive of you then she could bring you healthy things like nice fruit etc but she chooses to bring you things that will sabotage what you’re doing

I agree about getting your DH involved.
I also agree that your MIL likely does have food issues herself.

Well done on exercising regularly and eating healthily.

I think you need to say 'Look MiL, I know you are trying to be nice but you are making me ill. Do not bring any food to the house for me or DD unless I have asked you to. I'm not trying to stop you spoiling us- but food is not welcome.'

I would put it straight in the bin in front of her. It’s like she’s trying to sabotage your efforts.

Is she aware of your strict diet and binge eating tendencies? If not, then explaining it to her might help to stop. If she knows about it then she's being rude and deliberately trying to thwart your plans! You 'deserve' to be healthy and in control of your own diet!

She's deliberately sabotaging your weight loss.

Some women like to feel superior to others by believing slimness is some kind of moral victory. She's clearly one of them.

It's awful what she's doing to you, and even worse that she's doing it to her granddaughter

Can you get your DH to tell her firmly that this needs to stop?

Tell her if she buys the food it's just going in the bin.

Perhaps try emailing or texting so she can see the written word as she doesn't seem to hear you when you speak. State you do not want her to bring edible treats for you as you have an issue with food nor for your daughter as you wish to bring her up on a healthy diet. State that it upsets you when she continues to bring things, that she might want to treat you but it is having the opposite effect.
Then the next time she comes, if she brings treats, tell her you are upset and very hurt by her ignoring your wishes and thar she either needs to put the items outside the door for her to take away or you will bin it now.
If she cries, remind her of your message and how hurt and upset you are, and stick to your guns at binning the item.
If she tries to sneak treats to your DD, tell her she is going against your wishes and how hurtful this is, and take the treat away. If your DD cries, tell MIL it is her fault. If she does it again, say you don't wish to see her for a while.
Be firm
Well done on your amazing achievement so far - people who truly care for you would support you.

Or if needed tell her your doctor tells you that you cant eat that food due to high cholesterol.

Your MiL really isn't that nice.

Irrespective of any food issues she shouldn't just sneak foods to your DD.

She is also undermining you on every level.

In all seriousness, does she prefer you overweight?

Every time she brings you something, give it back. If she won't accept it, put it straight in the bin

I would be very blunt with her about daughter food

@picklemewalnuts

I think you need to say 'Look MiL, I know you are trying to be nice but you are making me ill. Do not bring any food to the house for me or DD unless I have asked you to. I'm not trying to stop you spoiling us- but food is not welcome.'

I don't think she's trying to be nice at all

It sounds like her own relationship with food is fucked. It could be she’s one of those who feels that if someone else has ‘dropped the ball’ with their own diet, she feels better and so it lessens her own urge to binge. Ergo, she buys you junk knowing you’ll have had it and she has been ‘disciplined’ so she feels good about herself.

I could be reaching, but I know people like that.

I think your MIL does have food issues.

So far you have mentioned that 1. All treats must be food, 2. Everything deserves a treat

Have treats for you picked up since you lost weight? I am wondering if she manages her own weight by feeding other people/felt more confident when you were fatter

You are absolutely right that it isn't a treat if it happens everyday. Can you prepare some answers in advance 'you had better have it back as I don't want it wasted''I'm afraid I'll have to bin it as I had a treat yesterday' so that you aren't caught on the hop.

Your MIL does not have a healthy relationship with food if she used it as a reward, comfort of substitute for affection. She's even using it to undermine you.

Clear firm boundaries have to be set and be prepared, as an O P said, to bin stuff if necessary.

Does she use food and treats as a way of showing she cares? I think you need to be very direct and tell her that if she brings junk food it will be going straight into the outside bin. She can show that she cares by playing with her grandchildren or going on a day out with you.

I feel for you because I have struggled with willpower and being an unhealthy size in the past. I used to get mountains of chocolate for birthday / Christmas even when I asked people not to. I don't know why people think their desire to give is more important than the receiver's health / wishes.

Thank you so much for all your comments already, they have actually made me quite emotional as I was sure I was going to be told I was in the wrong for this. To answer some questions DH is fantastic but he has a very casual relationship with his mum and though he has told her very firmly she just laughed at him and said that I needed to treat myself as I have been working/looking after both kids pretty intensely lately.
MIL is very aware of the binge eating, she has been with me in cafes as I was working out my calorie allowances etc, she actually walked in on me talking with my dh about how much I wanted to eat until I was sick but I wouldn't last week. I said that and now I'm 2 days in to a huge binge of everything I can find and I feel so bloated and upset and I've made myself stop. I know I need to speak with her but I know she won't listen but it does feel like sabotage at this point.

The secrecy around my children is terrifying too, I can't stop myself thinking what if this is the same in 10 years and I'm seen as the bad guy by constantly taking food away and trying to make sure my girls have a healthy relationship with eating.

Op, have you sought help for your eating disorder?

Oh my God my Sister is exactly like this. She’s naturally tiny but eats 3k calories of shit everyday and is constantly eating. She thinks I must be eating like a pig to be overweight but I eat far less and far healthier than her; I just have a much lower metabolism because of my thyroid issues.

The only thing that works with her is not arranging visits at home. I meet her outdoors now - parks etc, so I can discretely chuck the sweets and chocolates she tries to sneak to DS.

Ah @Lardibum this is so awful of her.
It sounds as if she does have food issues herself and you getting in control of yours has brought something competitive or spiteful out in her. Doesn’t matter whether she is aware of it or not, the impact on you is the same.

You are going to have to play hardball with her - food goes into the bin in front of her. If she kicks off, she’s asked to leave.
Don’t engage in whys or justifications : ‘I’ve asked you not to bring food in, you’ve ignored that, so it goes in the bin’
End of.
Same goes for any food she tries to sneak to your children.

If she can’t accept that, she no longer gets access to any of you.

Well done on how far you’ve come - food issues are some of the hardest to overcome. You sound like you are doing a brilliant job of ensuring your daughter has a great relationship with food.

I think that perhaps you need a short sharp conversation with mil, where you stop telling yourself to hold back and be nice and tell her ‘you are making me ill’. It took me a long time to get over really disordered eating and you should be proud of yourself, not worrying about tackling her.

The more I think about it she never bought me treats when I was obese or pregnant, this is a new thing. I like the idea of emailing her as I get emotional trying to talk about my feeings - I guess it could be a comfort thing for me to always be obese and unhappy and for her to be slim. Her daughter is obese and my dh was obese until he moved out and got a hold of his diet.