MIL and food issues

[Lardibum]

Firstly, sorry if this is really long. I like my MIL a lot, we are complete opposites but we are friendly and have never had a disagreement - until now.
After giving birth to my second child 4 months ago I have lost 4 stone through very strict calorie counting and exercise as I am a compulsive binge eater, basically if I start I can't stop and though I am aware this is an issue I have been slowly chipping away as to why I do this (childhood abuse/divorce) I am still very far from having a good relationship with food. My husband works away a lot and doesn't have a sweet tooth so my solution is just not to have it available to me which works well. Anyway, my problem is that my MIL won't stop buying me treats because she thinks "I deserve them". She is naturally slim and can eat everything, basically she has a brilliant relationship with food. Just this week she has brought me two éclairs, a giant chocolate muffin and a takeaway fish and chips and even though I have begged her not to she won't stop because she doesn't understand why I can't just put them in the fridge for later. Even after all this she has just come back from the hairdressers and bought me a tub of ice cream - I feel like she's doing this on purpose.
It's actually beginning to make me quite angry as she is doing the same to my 18 month old daughter, she bought her a takeaway sausage roll for breakfast (she had already had porridge this morning) and when I went to wash her water cup which I couldn't see inside of she had sneakily put in chocolate milk which she has never had before. I asked her why she'd done it and she said it was for a treat - which is fine but how do I make her understand it isn't a treat if she does it nearly every day? She does the same when my daughter hurts herself, the solution is always food and I am so desperate for my babies to not turn out like I did as I struggle so much every day. I am so close to being a normal weight which I have never been before and I feel like I'm going backwards - I need to be stronger I know but I don't want her doing this to my children. For reference I let my daughter have a wide variety of foods and she has never been on a diet or had any restrictions, she is allowed everything in moderation - I also allow myself treats when I have spare calories to do so. I guess I just want to know if I'm right in calling her out and asking her to stop or should I accept this as a me problem and she is just being a loving grandmother?

Put the gingerbread man straight in the bin.

And now you've told her what the situation is, anytime she tries to force more food on you repeat to her that she should take it home or it will be binned.

@Lardibum You sound like you have anorexia, OP. Or similar eating disorder. Particularly with comments like "I don't want her to turn out like I did" because you simply put a few stone on during pregnancy...... This obsessive calorie counting isn't healthy and will damage your DD when she picks up on it - and she will! They always do

@KhalliWhalli

I would put it straight in the bin in front of her. It’s like she’s trying to sabotage your efforts.

How shockingly rude!!!!!!!! I hope you don't have a MIL!!!!

Op please don't do this!!

Holy crap, I cannot believe she left the gingerbread man!! Wtaf?! She seriously is sabotaging you and your dd. It’s extremely telling that both your DP and his sister were/are obese. How dare she sneak your dd chocolate milk? And who the hell has a sausage roll fbreakfast?

I’d go nuts about this latest incident. Tell her she isn’t coming in if this is what she does when you’ve told (not asked) her no.

The op has a binge eating disorder that has caused her to be obese. She battles mentally daily to eat what she needs.

Her MIL is always bringing around things that are poison to the op, yet the op would be rude to bin them.

Would you say the same if op had allergies and MIL brought around things that she was allergic to?

My DD had issues with food when she was a child. MIL caused problems with her "solutions" which would stop DD eating completely.

We asked her to stop, we told her to stop, in the end we said enough was enough and if she ever did it again she wouldn't see us again. She knew we weren't joking and it stopped.

OP from now tell your MIL she can come to do her washing at a specific time once a week. Arrange a time for when your DH is home.

Tell your DH to take any food his mother brings and put in the bin immediately. In front of her. As she’s deliberately trying to sabotage your diet and risk both yours and your DD’s health.
I would be furious if anyone gave my 18month baby chocolate milk and sausage rolls, I was diabetic when pregnant and there’s a risk my DC will develops diabetes. I try to engage my DC in eating healthy food. Your MIL is trying to make food a battleground for your DC and secretively feeding your DC shit. I’d not bother being polite.

Bin the biscuits, tell her if she’s so desperate to buy food to do it for the local food bank they’ll be grateful.

Say ‘thanks that’s kind, but I won’t eat it so will give to a food bank who need it more’.

I think she is trying to undermine your weight loss. It must have taken real grit and determination on your part to get where you are, don’t let her jeopardise your success.

@Drivingmeupthewall Unnecessary name calling and inflammatory nonsense. Reported

Except @PerciphonePuma the OP says that her MIL didn't do this when OP was obese herself. So it can't be MIL's default way of showing love and affection or she'd have been doing it all along not just now the OP has lost weight.

@PerciphonePuma

It is not kind and loving giving food with a binge eating addiction that has made her obese.

So if it kills slowly rather than quickly that's ok?

Is bringing alcohol to an alcoholic not currently drinking ok?

Food addiction is the hardest thing to deal with because we have to eat to live. Any other addiction you can go cold turkey and have zero not food!! So much harder to deal with.

Congrats on your will power and huge weight loss.

That tells me you are a very strong woman who can do anything; and that includes settling the hash of MIL.

I would print your post to MN and send it to her with a letter. In the letter you say " I have tried every way to explain to you that you are sabotaging my huge diet effort and undermining my health and my daughters.

This MN post might convince you how desperately it upsets me that you refuse to hear me and keep doing it over and over.

But it stops now. This is my very last warning. DO NOT buy me and DD " food treats" ever again. Our healthy future and well being are my priority. I will not have them compromised.

. Your loving DIL."

Well she clearly doesn't have the healthy relationship with food you think, the woman is a feeder. Her daughter is obese, your husband was and now that you are not she is suddenly feeding you? She's a feeder.

I would honestly text "I found the gingerbread man and let me be clear, if you bring a morsel of food to my door again the door will be closed in your face. You are no longer welcome here with food, and if you keep going you won't be welcome here at all"

I did exactly that with my mother and it worked and I stuck it to too

Bin, bin, bin. Don’t feel guilty about wasting it.

Binge eating disorder is serious (your MIL and some posters seem ignorant of this), congratulations on getting a handle on it op.

Bloody hell OP, Rev the gingerbread man.

You don’t need me or any of us to tell you what a fantastic achievement your weight loss is, and even more so your determination to get on top of your relationship with food.

Trust your instincts and knowledge. You have a better relationship with food than your MIL. She is a feeder, and she is deliberately undermining you wrt your Dd and sabotaging your own new healthy eating.

Put the gingerbread man in the bin, crumbled up. As a symbol of rejecting your MIL s insidious attempts at control.

Anything else she brings, put it in the bin in front of her and say “I did explain this, and I thought you agreed, so I’m sure you won’t be surprised it’s in the bin”.

Next time she pulls a stunt with your Dd say “we talked about this. She doesn’t need constant unhealthy food, she will love you anyway. You don’t need to bribe her “.

The gingerbread man was completely out of order. Dishonest, controlling, passive aggressive.

Gloves off now.

And your DH needs to be straight with her. Tell her he supports what you are doing and you are both united in not wanting your Dd to expect constant sugary fatty extra food.

If you do have an issue with wasting food, then maybe getting yourself to bin it rather than pass it on or put it in the fridge would be a step forward for you too?

Actually I would go with MeanyJoany’s approach, especially if your DH will back you up in the face of a reaction.

Your ground is worth standing OP. You are taking care of yourself, she is hell bent on sabotage. Her disordered behaviour must not be allowed to throw you off track.

Bloody woman.

Good idea to text her and tell her you found the gingerbread man, adding that you have binned it. She'd be stupid to bring more food knowing that it will end up in the bin.

[quote PerciphonePuma]@Drivingmeupthewall Unnecessary name calling and inflammatory nonsense. Reported [/quote]
Inflammatory nonsense? You think the OP throwing away a gingerbread man in front of her MIL, as a way to stop her from consistently sabotaging her weight loss and from secretly feeding her daughter junk, in ‘inflammatory nonsense’? Wow. And I standby the ‘name’ I called OP’s mother in law.

I haven’t read the rest of the thread but I just wanted to input.. I also completely turned my relationship with food around in about three years of intense work. And what I’ve found is that when you look “normal”, people like your MIL just assume that your brain is “normal” too… If you’re anything like me, it’s actually a constant stream of conscience and restraint. Like you, I have to be mindful every single week if not day of calories, and I’ve just embraced my inbuilt obsession with food in order to overcome it.

What I mean to say is that she probably doesn’t understand that when you go from one extreme to the other, eating unconsciously is just never going to happen

Of course, a more sinister side is that she may be trying to exert some control over you. I don’t mean that in the typical sense. I once watched a book launch chat with Nigella Lawson who said something like “people who like to cook for others are fundamentally people who like to exert control over others.” And that blew my mind, because I NEED to have control over the family diet .. I do well balancing it but mostly because of my inbuilt obsession with food. And as I also have an 18 month old, I know I would totally blow my top if somebody gave her chocolate milk without my consent

Sorry to hijack your post. feel free to tell me to shove off for projecting lol! It’s just set my mind running in all sorts of directions.

And YADNBU!

I can't believe she left a gingerbread man behind. That is such a big f*ck you after the chat you had. She's never going to change unless you say something drastic like if she doesn't respect your wishes she can't pop round any more.

Good advice on this thread @Lardibum

Don't let her sabotage your brilliant work.

I get that you are focussed on your target weight. Meanwhile, there might be some things of interest in the approach taken in Gillian Riley's https://eatingless.com

[quote Lardibum]@Bluntness100 I want to seek help in the future but truthfully I am terrified of talking about it and possibly relapsing. I have promised myself that when I get to a healthy weight which is 10lb away I will start the process.

@Ozanjni I like the idea of meeting in parks, however her washing machine is broken and she is using ours which is why she is over so often hence all the treats coming in. I think I need to take advice here and quickly pour something over the food but I hate the idea of wasting it so much.[/quote]
Many years ago, I managed to lose a lot of weight through exercise and stopping the binge eating. I was almost at my goal weight and I loved how I felt and looked. Unlike you, I didn't have MIL actively trying to sabotage my hard work but my subconscious ended up doing the job instead. I knew I needed help to maintain my new lifestyle but couldn't seem to make myself get the help. I wished I had because home life at the time was getting more and more troubled (DC becoming teenagers and marital problems with DH). So every upset meant more eating for me. Now I'm back where I started and with age and thyroid issues, I'm not sure I can do it again.

Get help, don't wait.

Your MIL also needs counseling to see why she equates obesity with happiness as it's anything but.

Good luck, Op, I'm so happy you were able to lose weight. Be proud of yourself!