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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL and food issues

130 replies

Lardibum · 21/07/2021 14:28

Firstly, sorry if this is really long. I like my MIL a lot, we are complete opposites but we are friendly and have never had a disagreement - until now.
After giving birth to my second child 4 months ago I have lost 4 stone through very strict calorie counting and exercise as I am a compulsive binge eater, basically if I start I can't stop and though I am aware this is an issue I have been slowly chipping away as to why I do this (childhood abuse/divorce) I am still very far from having a good relationship with food. My husband works away a lot and doesn't have a sweet tooth so my solution is just not to have it available to me which works well. Anyway, my problem is that my MIL won't stop buying me treats because she thinks "I deserve them". She is naturally slim and can eat everything, basically she has a brilliant relationship with food. Just this week she has brought me two éclairs, a giant chocolate muffin and a takeaway fish and chips and even though I have begged her not to she won't stop because she doesn't understand why I can't just put them in the fridge for later. Even after all this she has just come back from the hairdressers and bought me a tub of ice cream - I feel like she's doing this on purpose.
It's actually beginning to make me quite angry as she is doing the same to my 18 month old daughter, she bought her a takeaway sausage roll for breakfast (she had already had porridge this morning) and when I went to wash her water cup which I couldn't see inside of she had sneakily put in chocolate milk which she has never had before. I asked her why she'd done it and she said it was for a treat - which is fine but how do I make her understand it isn't a treat if she does it nearly every day? She does the same when my daughter hurts herself, the solution is always food and I am so desperate for my babies to not turn out like I did as I struggle so much every day. I am so close to being a normal weight which I have never been before and I feel like I'm going backwards - I need to be stronger I know but I don't want her doing this to my children. For reference I let my daughter have a wide variety of foods and she has never been on a diet or had any restrictions, she is allowed everything in moderation - I also allow myself treats when I have spare calories to do so. I guess I just want to know if I'm right in calling her out and asking her to stop or should I accept this as a me problem and she is just being a loving grandmother?

OP posts:
Confusedmeanderings · 21/07/2021 19:40

Would it help I wonder to talk through with her what would be glood ideas for treats? Its really nice that she sees how hard you work and wants to spoil you. Perhaps she needs help to think about how to do it outside of food.

UnsolicitedDickPic · 21/07/2021 19:43

I haven't read all the other comments OP, just yours, but I'm sure you've had good advice. I will say this - your MILs behaviour sounds really abusive. The fact your DP was also obese until he left home speaks volumes. Your are well within your rights to feel so disrespected and angry. Stand your ground. And well done on your weight loss! You're inspirational.

PickAChew · 21/07/2021 19:53

Snap gingerbread man's head off, place in bin, cover with ketchup, take photo and send to your MIL with the message "I said No."

billy1966 · 21/07/2021 19:58

@MeanyJoany

Well she clearly doesn't have the healthy relationship with food you think, the woman is a feeder. Her daughter is obese, your husband was and now that you are not she is suddenly feeding you? She's a feeder.

I would honestly text "I found the gingerbread man and let me be clear, if you bring a morsel of food to my door again the door will be closed in your face. You are no longer welcome here with food, and if you keep going you won't be welcome here at all"

I did exactly that with my mother and it worked and I stuck it to too

I think you urgently need to speak to your husband OP.

His mother is not healthy and IMO your husband and sister were absolutely abused by her.

She should not be unsupervised with your daughter and I think you should soeak to your GP about this.

It is so easy to understand how your husband and his sister were obese if she would give such complete rubbish to a baby.

I don't think it can be overstated how dangerous she could be to your daughter.

You have evidence with your husband and his sister what she is capable.

She needs to get help but your child needs protecting.

katsounds · 21/07/2021 20:03

You do not let her care for your child unsupervised.

We have had to do this with my MIL for similar food related concerns. It's allllll about the sugar with my MIL. She's weirdly obsessed with giving the kids treats (excessive) and despite us saying on many occasions she needs to stop, she hasn't. So she is only with the kids one of us is too.

Mansplainee · 21/07/2021 20:11

I can sympathise OP. My MIL is a feeder too. DH has for the first time ever managed, with a lot of hard work, to get himself to a healthy BMI. I’m so proud of him. Yet MIL keeps telling him he looks ill and getting upset about him ‘not eating’. She has been having our DD two days per week and immediately started feeding her crisps and biscuits every time, after several conversations with DH she’s promised not to but I’m pretty sure she now just does it in secret as I find wrappers in the changing bag and whenever we go to her house DD immediately asks for biscuits. I don’t have any particularly sage advice for dealing with this behaviour I’m afraid, I think it’s too ingrained in some people, my approach is now to limit contact when DH or I aren’t there to police it. Sad really but I just don’t feel like I can trust her.

PurpleMustang · 21/07/2021 21:06

Why she left the gingerbread man, I bet she would pass it off as I had bought it already and didn't want it to go to waste. Whether you believe whatever excuse is up to you, but then obviously you will soon see if she continues or stops. If she harps on about wanting to give treats then my suggestion would be that she infrequently buys a magazine or sticker book or the like that you are happy with for DD. Basically all food treats are off limits.

Mix56 · 21/07/2021 21:13

Tell her, the foods she is feeding DC would be forbidden in a school lunch box
She has successfully overfed her own 2 children into obesity.
She is not going destroy your children's lives. It stops today. She deliberately sabotages your monumental efforts to lose weight.
She us sick, its not kind, its not a treat, its poison.

ClaryFairchild · 21/07/2021 23:39

Put the gingerbread man in the bin, and send her a message telling her that you have done that and will continue to do that with any food of this type she brings to your home.

If she really cared about you she would listen to you.

A good test would be to ask her to bring healthy food that is more expensive so you wouldn't buy as often. Passion fruit, grapes, blueberries etc.

cooldarkroom · 22/07/2021 08:36

Is she coming today?
As soon as she sets foot in your house,
"I want to know if you have bought any "treats" in here with you ?" If so, I want you to go & leave it in your car.
This stops & it stops now.
I will not have you sabotage my efforts to get healthy, & force rubbish on my undemanding daughter, I will not allow her to become sugar dependent , like you did
Loving her , being kind, & giving treats can be bubble bath, a new book, a song sung....

Notimeforaname · 22/07/2021 14:36

Yes she clearly also has emotional issues around food. Feeding people seems to do somthing for her.
My friends mum is the same although she is very overweight.
Both her children were extremely overweight until they were teenagers and started regulating their own food.

Even now she looks visibly stressed if she thinks someone's portion is too small and will do everything to make you eat more. She has several drawers and bags of snacks she will take out for her grandkids/anyone who drops by every time.

For her she feels like shes taking care,nourishing, even though it's so unhealthy . It's all for comfort. Perhaps she could look into that herself. No matter what your size,you can have an unhealthy relationship with food. And she clearly does.

Congratulations on your weight loss/healthier eating op. You've come a long way. Flowers

Maxiedog123 · 22/07/2021 15:07

It sounds to me that your MIL may not really have a healthy relationship with food herself.
Does she actually eat the food she brings in front of you, it's pretty common for people with abnormal eating to cook / provide food for other people, but not eat it themselves with a range of excuses" I've just eaten', "i had one before".

Maxiedog123 · 22/07/2021 15:14

That is She feeds ( overfeeds) other people to compensate for restricting her own intake.

Brefugee · 22/07/2021 15:35

Congrats on the weight-loss and being realistic about your relationship with food.

MIL is an ol' bag. Bin everything in front of her and don't let her give your DD anything directly.

Good luck!

NatSab · 22/07/2021 15:54

Wow I would be fuming! You need to sit her down and tell her how upset it is making you. You're an adult and can make decisions about the food she tries to give you, your children can't! If you can't make her understand then send her a message so she gets the hint!

EKGEMS · 22/07/2021 16:30

@PerciphonePuma If you had bothered to read the @Lardibum posts she readily admits to having a binge eating eating disorder which is not anorexia. What do you consider shocking rudeness? Continually trampling the boundaries of a DIL and her granddaughter despite repetitively asking her not to? She has a hell of a lot of nerve especially using their home as a laundromat! She should be told the laundromat is closed and she's only having the baby supervised

Budapestdreams · 22/07/2021 18:57

OP, well done on confronting her. That must have been hard but you did it. Next step is to remain firm. She will push your boundaries but stick with it, you are doing the right thing for you, your DH and your DD.
Personally I think she should only come round if your DH is in. He should be the one stopping her bringing any food into your house.
She is putting temptation in your way, seeing you up to fail. No food of hers should ever enter your house.
You are doing good, keep going.

Hannayeah · 23/07/2021 04:10

@PerciphonePuma

What do you do though if someone repeatedly ignores your requests? It is rude, and I doubt OP will be able to do it. But if you are fighting for your own life and health and someone keeps purposely thwarting you, how to you respond?

Some of us would just cut that person out of our lives. Is that better than throwing away the harmful things they bring into our homes?

PerciphonePuma · 23/07/2021 21:16

[quote EKGEMS]**@PerciphonePuma* If you had bothered to read the @Lardibum* posts she readily admits to having a binge eating eating disorder which is not anorexia. What do you consider shocking rudeness? Continually trampling the boundaries of a DIL and her granddaughter despite repetitively asking her not to? She has a hell of a lot of nerve especially using their home as a laundromat! She should be told the laundromat is closed and she's only having the baby supervised [/quote]
'Using their home as a laundromat' - wtf?! That's OP's husband's MOTHER! Shock
You honestly believe she just turned up and began using their washer without asking? Where did OP say this? Jesus, if you can't ask your own son if he mind's you using his washer temporarily, then who the hell can you ask?!

Do you usually verbally attack people for simply having a different opinion to you??

PerciphonePuma · 23/07/2021 21:18

[quote Hannayeah]@PerciphonePuma

What do you do though if someone repeatedly ignores your requests? It is rude, and I doubt OP will be able to do it. But if you are fighting for your own life and health and someone keeps purposely thwarting you, how to you respond?

Some of us would just cut that person out of our lives. Is that better than throwing away the harmful things they bring into our homes?[/quote]
Just chuck the food away after she's gone or let DH have it! This woman is potentially an old lady who believes she's being kind & loving!

I guess some of us are just more respectful to our elders

Dutch1e · 23/07/2021 21:31

Feeders are fucking creepy. Keep her well away until she gets help.

Magenta82 · 23/07/2021 21:35

Respect goes both ways, the MIL is being incredibly disrespectful to the OP and her very reasonable request. Why should the OP bow down out of some weird misguided old fashioned notion that living longer makes someone automatically worthy of respect?

EKGEMS · 23/07/2021 21:38

@PerciphonePuma I haven't verbally attacked you so stop playing the victim,and believe me you would know if I actually verbally attacked you. You post on here and draw a lot of flack and act daft when you are challenged when you're really passive aggressive and sanctimonious. The MIL is trampling all over boundaries and using their washing machine,water and power but being disrespectful, leaving her DIL very upset when she visits.

Nohomemadecandles · 23/07/2021 21:44

She thinks she's being kind but you are not a dog. We reward dogs with food.
Be blunt. "I really appreciate you treating me but I don't want to eat cakes right now. I'm getting strong & healthy for your grandchildren and for my health. Shall we put a few quid aside for a treat for both of us instead? Maybe a nice day out."
She feeds. It's what a lot of older people do.

Dutch1e · 23/07/2021 21:47

It's what a lot of older people do.

Older than what? Both her kids were obese.