MIL and food issues

[Lardibum]

Firstly, sorry if this is really long. I like my MIL a lot, we are complete opposites but we are friendly and have never had a disagreement - until now.
After giving birth to my second child 4 months ago I have lost 4 stone through very strict calorie counting and exercise as I am a compulsive binge eater, basically if I start I can't stop and though I am aware this is an issue I have been slowly chipping away as to why I do this (childhood abuse/divorce) I am still very far from having a good relationship with food. My husband works away a lot and doesn't have a sweet tooth so my solution is just not to have it available to me which works well. Anyway, my problem is that my MIL won't stop buying me treats because she thinks "I deserve them". She is naturally slim and can eat everything, basically she has a brilliant relationship with food. Just this week she has brought me two éclairs, a giant chocolate muffin and a takeaway fish and chips and even though I have begged her not to she won't stop because she doesn't understand why I can't just put them in the fridge for later. Even after all this she has just come back from the hairdressers and bought me a tub of ice cream - I feel like she's doing this on purpose.
It's actually beginning to make me quite angry as she is doing the same to my 18 month old daughter, she bought her a takeaway sausage roll for breakfast (she had already had porridge this morning) and when I went to wash her water cup which I couldn't see inside of she had sneakily put in chocolate milk which she has never had before. I asked her why she'd done it and she said it was for a treat - which is fine but how do I make her understand it isn't a treat if she does it nearly every day? She does the same when my daughter hurts herself, the solution is always food and I am so desperate for my babies to not turn out like I did as I struggle so much every day. I am so close to being a normal weight which I have never been before and I feel like I'm going backwards - I need to be stronger I know but I don't want her doing this to my children. For reference I let my daughter have a wide variety of foods and she has never been on a diet or had any restrictions, she is allowed everything in moderation - I also allow myself treats when I have spare calories to do so. I guess I just want to know if I'm right in calling her out and asking her to stop or should I accept this as a me problem and she is just being a loving grandmother?

She is not kind, she is either very thoughtless, or actually malign.
Would she bring alcohol as a treat for an alcoholic? And to give a baby chocolate milk without asking you first is wrong.

She's not nice, she's a feeder & she's sabotaging you on purpose. It's cruel & manipulative. You don't have to "be nice" to people who are deliberately being cruel to you. Tell her to take it away. If she won't, bin the stuff, in front of her. TBH, the whole idea of "Be Nice" can do one. It goes both ways.

Don't think of the food as being "wasted" if you throw it away or deliberately make it inedible. You don't want to eat it. If you eat it, it will likely lead to weight gain, which you don't want. You will then need to remove something else from your diet in order to keep your calories at a reasonable level. Or you'll need to kill yourself at the gym. The food will be "wasted" either way, except if you just throw it in the bin, it hasn't made you unhealthy & unhappy on it's way through. Your MIL wasted it when she bought it, knowing you don't want it.

And congratulations to you & your DH on losing weight & improving your health. Massive weight gain is a modern day trap that's only just starting to be really understood, due to availability of cheap processed food. So many people have metabolic problems, once you're overweight it's really difficult to lose it. Don't let her do that to your little girl.

I have just read your futher post, saying her daughter is overweight and your husband was. You are right, she is a danger to your daughters, you have a different relationship to her, than her children, and can put a stop to this,she won't have the same power over you.

Tell her your washing machine is now unavailable and to get hers repaired or use a commercial laundromat and the money saved on the unnecessary and unwanted food could buy a very fine one

Could you write her a letter. Tell her how much you value your relationship with her. How find you are if her.
Then your relationship with food. How tricky it is. What you are trying to achieve
How is this not helped by people giving you food.

is her washing machine even broken.
i think you need to close the door. firmly. no discussion.
this is a matter of health. long term. your childrens as well.
you can do it. you've achieved so much.

do not confide in her.
side-step.
keep her away from you and yours.

She needs to see you have boundaries. What she's seeing at the moment is a pretty little 6 inch high fence that she just steps straight over and completely ignores. You need a big fuck off 6 foot brick wall, throwing the food in the bin will show her this. It won't be you being wasteful. Wasteful is buying food for someone who has repeatedly asked you not to. Putting it in the bin is just tidying up her wastefulness.

If you can't stand the idea of binning/wasting it (understandable, I think I'd find wasting good food hard too), can you immediately march next door to your neighbours and give it to them? Overtly so she sees you do it.

That means it's just anything already opened/half eaten that can be made inedible (salt/chilli/put out to melt in the sun etc) and binned.

I'd be fuming about the sneaking of 'treats' to my child.

Can you talk to your older daughter casually and tell her that grandma doesn't always know what is good for little children and so she must tell mummy if grandma gives her something to eat or drink. And also that if grandma tells her it's a secret that grandma is being naughty as grown ups mustn't tell children to keep secrets from their parents (good lesson for children to learn early anyway frankly).

Firm words to DH that he has to tell her to stop and to keep saying it in a proper serious tone, even if she brushes him off.

Unless she complies, cut off the washing machine use now, she can use a laundromat.

Ultimate threat is telling her she will not be given access to the grandchildren if it continues. That might seem extreme but she is doing this deliberately,riding roughshod over you and your DH's instructions, and it probably won't stop without nuclear action.

Well done on the weight loss and addressing the dysfunctional relationship with food. (Your MiL definitely has issues too, as others have said, she's a 'feeder').

@HavelockVetinari

She's deliberately sabotaging your weight loss.

Some women like to feel superior to others by believing slimness is some kind of moral victory. She's clearly one of them.

It's awful what she's doing to you, and even worse that she's doing it to her granddaughter

Can you get your DH to tell her firmly that this needs to stop?

Im afraid I agree with this

@KhalliWhalli

I would put it straight in the bin in front of her. It’s like she’s trying to sabotage your efforts.

I'd do this. Remove from packaging as you do so to prevent her fishing it out.

I'm with Khalliwhalli and many others...

I would put it straight in the bin in front of her. It’s like she’s trying to sabotage your efforts. You could also for good measure squirt washing up liquid into the bin over the food as well - saw this in an episode of "Sex and the City"!

I'd also be saying she can't visit if she brings food - and if that means she can't use your washing machine, so be it.
She is most definitely sabotaging your weight loss (which is absolutely amazing and a credit to your determination).

But pls don't feel you have to work on this alone - seek help sooner rather than later.

I have the same issue with my mum. She uses food to reward/pacify/soothe/ my kids. Food is always the solution. She says she likes to give them treats but the point of them being treats is they are not all the time! She lets them have as much as they like too and i have had an eating disorder all my life and I don’t want my kids to be the same. But I’m trying to stop myself saying things like stop giving them too much “rubbish” as I don’t want my kids to demonise any food and see it as “bad” , just not as nutritious as others

I agree with the previous poster, bin the food in front of her. There should be very little food waste because you will probably only have to do this once or twice for her to realise you are serious, and will not be accepting future 'treats'. Your actions will speak louder than any number of words you can type in an email.

Thank you all so much for your lovely comments and advice. Just as I was writing my last comment MIL stopped by to take her washing back in which I have no problem with but as I was feeling brave I asked her to not bring food by anymore and if she could perhaps ask in advance if she wanted to bring my little girl a treat so I could agree to it in advance - To a previous comment my little girl is 18 months so cannot regulate her own income and is a typical chocolate fiend so she will never say no. WELL, I said all this and my MIL agreed and said of course that is very understandable etc, we even had a hug and it was a lovely moment. She gets her washing and leaves through the back and I've just gone to make a cup of tea and there's a bloody gingerbread man sitting next to the kettle. I seriously give up with this woman now, there's no excusing it now right? I seriously can't believe she is doing this to her grandchild.

Send her a message. Saying in spite if you specifically asking her to stop giving unneeded sweet/unhealthy food to your DC, she continued.
It is now in the bin
She needs to respect your wishes or she will not be welcome in your house

Firstly well done on taking control of this situation and well done for all the weight you have lost. What a fantastic achievement.

You have now said something to your MIL and if she continues you must frankly just throw the food/treats whatever in the bin even if this is in front of her. In fact if in front of her even better. Then you reiterate you do not want the foods/treats either for yourself of your daughter.

She obviously does not have a healthy relationship with food, she is not being kind and she needs to get the message. She will if you show her you mean business and literally keep throwing away in front of her the things you have asked her not to bring round. It may be wasting food (which I hate) but I think you need to take this stance to actively demonstrate you mean what you say and she is disrespecting your wishes.

I think you need to involve your husband in this.

I'd email her, cc'ing your husband, reiterating how happy you were following the conversation you and MIL had this afternoon and how devastated you are to now find out that she has deliberately gone behind your back to leave more food in the house.

As a consequence, she is no longer allowed in. She can drop washing off at the front door and pick it up later.

Once she has received help for her own, obvious food issues, you/daughter/husband will gladly meet her on neutral ground but the first food/drink related item given to you/child will mean contact stops.

There is absolutely no need for her to be bring food of any description to you/your child. Yes, in reason, it can be nice but she will still be able to have an amazing relationship with your daughter if food is taken out of the equation. There are plenty of other love languages that she can learn, if it's important enough to her

And I am so sorry that you are having to go through this. Food issues are shit and she is being deliberately nasty to you, not to mention disrespectful of your parenting choices.

My husband used to do this and nothing I said could stop him, and I always ended up eating the treats. Eventually I got a grip and told him that from now on everything he bought unasked (not on a birthday) was going in the bin. And I did it. The look on his face was priceless as I threw away some bars of chocolate and a cake but he didn't buy me any more food treats....

Your MIL is slim yet her family obese? Sounds like she has some serious food/feeding issues going on. She didn't do it when you looked fat but now you are slim she is??? Perhaps she needs to be the slimmest to have one up on everyone else?

You've explained and asked nicely from now on just put it straight in the bin outside in front of her.

Next time she hands you ANY food, take it straight to the bin preferrably in front of her and dispose of it.
You've been polite and given her fair warning...no more Mrs Nice Lardibum. Time for some tough love.

Well now you know OP.

She doesn't care about what you want.
She doesn't care about you wanting to protect an 18 month old.

She will do exactly as she pleases.

You need to protect your baby because before you know it you will have a fat toddler, laying down early fat cells.

I agree with emailing her and cooying your husband about how upset you are over her blatent disregard for your request.

I would tell her you want space from her and not to visit you until further notice.

You need time to think about her acting AGAINST the best interests of her grandchild.

She had two obese child, while staying slim.

She is a disgrace and a child abuser IMO.

She is not to be trusted with your child OP.

You need to step up and protect your child.
Find your anger.
You have EVERY right to be furious.

I guess she brought the gingerbread man with her before your conversation. Being VERY charitable I would wait until her next visit and if she brings something again I would simply ban her from the house. Your daughter needs you healthy more than she needs visits from a grandparent. This woman is consciously and actively sabotaging your attempts to be healthy for yourself and for your child. Why would you or your husband entertain that for a second? Time to be a bit less nice and show her you can’t be manipulated.

And I agree she clearly has enormous issues with food. It seems highly likely that she has abused her own family in a similar way and she’s trying to do this to you. Highly unusual for her children to grow up obese while she stays slim.

She did this on the way out?