MIL and food issues

[Lardibum]

Firstly, sorry if this is really long. I like my MIL a lot, we are complete opposites but we are friendly and have never had a disagreement - until now.
After giving birth to my second child 4 months ago I have lost 4 stone through very strict calorie counting and exercise as I am a compulsive binge eater, basically if I start I can't stop and though I am aware this is an issue I have been slowly chipping away as to why I do this (childhood abuse/divorce) I am still very far from having a good relationship with food. My husband works away a lot and doesn't have a sweet tooth so my solution is just not to have it available to me which works well. Anyway, my problem is that my MIL won't stop buying me treats because she thinks "I deserve them". She is naturally slim and can eat everything, basically she has a brilliant relationship with food. Just this week she has brought me two éclairs, a giant chocolate muffin and a takeaway fish and chips and even though I have begged her not to she won't stop because she doesn't understand why I can't just put them in the fridge for later. Even after all this she has just come back from the hairdressers and bought me a tub of ice cream - I feel like she's doing this on purpose.
It's actually beginning to make me quite angry as she is doing the same to my 18 month old daughter, she bought her a takeaway sausage roll for breakfast (she had already had porridge this morning) and when I went to wash her water cup which I couldn't see inside of she had sneakily put in chocolate milk which she has never had before. I asked her why she'd done it and she said it was for a treat - which is fine but how do I make her understand it isn't a treat if she does it nearly every day? She does the same when my daughter hurts herself, the solution is always food and I am so desperate for my babies to not turn out like I did as I struggle so much every day. I am so close to being a normal weight which I have never been before and I feel like I'm going backwards - I need to be stronger I know but I don't want her doing this to my children. For reference I let my daughter have a wide variety of foods and she has never been on a diet or had any restrictions, she is allowed everything in moderation - I also allow myself treats when I have spare calories to do so. I guess I just want to know if I'm right in calling her out and asking her to stop or should I accept this as a me problem and she is just being a loving grandmother?

Massive congratulations on the weight, what an achievement.

Your MIL is a PITA for not respecting your wishes and by doing so repeatedly despite your explaining it, she either has dementia, is dim or actually a bit of a bitch.

Which is it?
For you to decide, but stop being nice about it.

Blood, sweat and tears, not to mind ferocious determination is needed to shift 4 stone, do NOT allow ANYONE come between you and your goal.

Stop being polite, do NOT allow her in to your home with food AND tell her with a pissed off face that SHE will be the cause of a massive falling out if she doesn't respect your wishes.

She definitely has her own issues with food if she insists on doing this.

Well done again👏

1. That is not a great relationship with food your mIL has

2 She is not a loving grandmother or MIL 3 You are obvs a strong woman, don't put up with it.

OP, I would be surprised if your MIL had a brilliant relationship with food.
This sounds like she is vicariously satisfying her troubled relationship with food.
Echo PPs, you need to be v v firm, hand back the food "treats". Your LO doesn't need chocolate milk! How is it a treat when she gives you LO this secretly?

Well she's not being a loving grandmother is she because she seems to be trying to create a bad relationship with food for your little girl.

No one, least of all a child, should be eating take-away sausage roll for breakfast, it's incredibly unhealthy.

You need to be firm and tell her you don't want these 'treats' yourself and you won't be allowing your children to have them.

Maybe soften that by asking her to bring things like fruit or a toy if she wants to treat them. Having said that you don't want her bringing toys every day either.

As pps have said any unhealthy treats she brings should be refused or put in the bin.

Some people do have very odd ideas about children and food.

I know someone who sees the perfect grandmother a someone who spoils their grandchildren with inappropriate treats when their parents are not around.

Unfortunately, it's one of my many failings as a grandmother, apparently, that I don't do that.

Hmmm, so there is a family trait of obesity? But MIL is not?
I echo what I said previously. Vicarious satisfaction. And I'm not knocking her, but this is a very plausible explanation.

In your shoes I would throw the food in the bin right in front of her.

You have asked her not to buy that sort of food and have raised the issue with her sneakily giving food to your child and she is clearly not prepared to listen to you.

Some people react very strangely when someone they are close to loses a large amount of weight, and call me a cynic but to me it sounds like she is trying to sabotage you. Binge eating is awful (I know!) and she is actively hindering you. Think about it like this: would she keep giving cans of lager to an alcoholic when they've asked her not to buy them alcohol?

The next time she brings that food into your house, take it from her, open up the packet and poor the contents directly into the bin in front of her. And tell her you will do that every time she dismisses your wishes. I know this seems like a harsh approach but you've tried being nice.

Lay it all out in a letter then refuse entry to these ‘treats’ suggest other treats if she insists like a face pack, bubble bath, soap or something for you and crayons, paper, book or something for DC

@Bluntness100 I want to seek help in the future but truthfully I am terrified of talking about it and possibly relapsing. I have promised myself that when I get to a healthy weight which is 10lb away I will start the process.

@Ozanjni I like the idea of meeting in parks, however her washing machine is broken and she is using ours which is why she is over so often hence all the treats coming in. I think I need to take advice here and quickly pour something over the food but I hate the idea of wasting it so much.

@Lardibum

The more I think about it she never bought me treats when I was obese or pregnant, this is a new thing. I like the idea of emailing her as I get emotional trying to talk about my feeings - I guess it could be a comfort thing for me to always be obese and unhappy and for her to be slim. Her daughter is obese and my dh was obese until he moved out and got a hold of his diet.

She doesn't like the fact you've lost weight. It's sabotage.

Oh my goodness OP, just read the updates.
You poor thing.

She is not nice.
She is not kind.
She is not a nice grandmother.
She is trying to sabotage your success.

I would be very wary of her around my children.

She is a feeder and she is prepared to sabotage your health and the health of your children.

I consider this quite sinister.

Email is a good idea.

Don't tell her you know she is being kind, she is anything but.

Lay it out clealy and calmly that you do not want her to bring ANY FOOD WHATSOEVER near you or your child and if she does you will not be in contact until she is able to control HER issues with food and respect your wishes.

Stay strong.

@DuchessOfDoombar

Ah *@Lardibum* this is so awful of her. It sounds as if she does have food issues herself and you getting in control of yours has brought something competitive or spiteful out in her. Doesn’t matter whether she is aware of it or not, the impact on you is the same.

You are going to have to play hardball with her - food goes into the bin in front of her. If she kicks off, she’s asked to leave.
Don’t engage in whys or justifications : ‘I’ve asked you not to bring food in, you’ve ignored that, so it goes in the bin’
End of.
Same goes for any food she tries to sneak to your children.

If she can’t accept that, she no longer gets access to any of you.

Well done on how far you’ve come - food issues are some of the hardest to overcome. You sound like you are doing a brilliant job of ensuring your daughter has a great relationship with food.

@Lardibum

I agree with this comment particularly.

you getting in control of yours has brought something competitive or spiteful out in her. Doesn’t matter whether she is aware of it or not, the impact on you is the same.

Some people get used to their particular view of people and circumstances and, consciously or not, do become saboteurs in order to keep things the way they are used to.

From now stop placating and being so gentle and either give these treats back straight away or put them in the bin straight away. I have learned, in my own issues with food, to break up the treat I really want to stuff myself with and mix it with whatever else is in the food waste bin or give it a gentle spray of cleaning fluid... and I can then relax.

You might need to get more stringent with her secretly giving your children sugar or fat laden food. Maybe find some facts about childhood obesity and diabetes for her to realise what the outcome of actions may lead to? 🌹

@pigsDOfly I know, I am honestly so upset about the sausage roll incident, as soon as I saw it I took it away and pretended she dropped it as I know MIL would have took it out of the fridge if I had put it away for later.

She is deliberately sabotaging you and overriding your decisions about your daughter. The time for politeness is over .

I think you, or ideally your DH, need to tell her that unless she respects your boundaries you’re not comfortable having her around you or your daughter.

You are doing so well and can’t let her ruin your progress or your daughter’s relationship with food (not to mention the million other decisions she could sneakily override regarding your child).

You're doing great and you are just going to have to be extremely strict with your mIL, as in the example of throwing the food in the bin, strict.

AA have a section for people with eating disorders and I believe it is very good.

OP,
You are absolutely protecting your child by taking this action.

Chocolate milk? Sausage rolls?
Crap food that any child doesn't need.

Good food habits are a great gift to your child.

I don't have anything new to say as I think you've had some great advice so far. I'll just add my "well done!" though, you have done so well

I'm bulimic so can totally sympathise with your struggles being around food OP. I've had similar issues with people before and usually being open and honest about the ED does the trick but some people will just not listen. Not exactly the same thing but when I was pregnant my MIL kept making rude comments about my "pot belly". I very clearly explained to her that I am bulimic and it's extremely triggering for people to comment on my weight and that I was trying to stay healthy for the baby etc. She ignored me and the only thing that worked was my (usually very placid) partner having a very firm word with her.

I completely agree that this smacks of sabotage. It sounds like she wants to be the only slim / attractive athletic person in the family and she's undermining you on many fronts to achieve this . . . personally, as a mother etc. She wants you and your child to be overweight so she can cling to her identity which seems to hang on being the slim one. Push back hard, this is dishonest, hurtful and damaging, to you and to your child. Its also intensely disrespectful! Throw her 'treats' in the bin. You asked her not to bring them and she didnt listen, so now she has to learn the hard way. And if she cant stand by the way you have decided to raise your child, then she loses the privilege of being close to the family and a part of their childhood. Boundaries are very necessary for healthy families and relationships and shes stomping over so many of yours!! Take care .

I would just add OP, that it might help to bear in mind, when you want to be firm with her about this, that she's is completely disregarding your wishes and isn't at all worried about upsetting or annoying you, so you don't have to be afraid of upsetting or annoying her.

It isn't always easy to confront people but sometimes doing so can make you feel a whole lot better.

Just remember, you're in the the right about this.

Whatever her problem is with food you don't want it put onto your children.

@KhalliWhalli

I would put it straight in the bin in front of her. It’s like she’s trying to sabotage your efforts.

Yep, this.

“MIL, I don’t want to fall out with you, but I have asked you not to bring food into my house. Please stop, or I shall have to get cross.”

she has a brilliant relationship with food.

She really doesn't.

[quote Lardibum]@Bluntness100 I want to seek help in the future but truthfully I am terrified of talking about it and possibly relapsing. I have promised myself that when I get to a healthy weight which is 10lb away I will start the process.

@Ozanjni I like the idea of meeting in parks, however her washing machine is broken and she is using ours which is why she is over so often hence all the treats coming in. I think I need to take advice here and quickly pour something over the food but I hate the idea of wasting it so much.[/quote]
Not wanting to waste food is the scourge of the binge eater! Do you honestly think it's better for you to eat whatever rubbish she brings over than to put it in the bin? Your MIL is the one wasting food, not you.

Can you suggest healthy alternatives? “MIL, if you want to treat us how about bringing a mango or pineapple? We’d love to try some exciting new fruits.”

Oh and I don't think you should have to go into lots of detail about your issues with food-don't give her any ammunition. You have a right to your privacy and she clearly has issues around food, so I would not make her my confidante. She clearly likes to over feed people so she's not going to have your best interests at heart.

You've tried talking and it has not worked. She is being a bitch. Next time she brings you or your dc food you should put it straight into the bin, in front of her while saying that you have told her it is not acceptable to ignore your request not to bring treats. That might make her think twice about abusing you again. Because that is what she is doing - abusing you.