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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my mum should've asked me before moving abroad?

114 replies

salviapages · 20/07/2021 20:02

This happened a few years ago and I feel kind of petty for still thinking about it but it's really impacted the way I feel my mum views me.

A few years ago, my mum moved abroad with her partner. He'd applied for a job out there (she didn't tell me he was doing this) and after he accepted the job she rang me all excited and told me they were moving abroad in a few months time.

I was about 24 at the time and had been living with my partner and financially independent since I was 18 so it's not like I still relied on her. But we were quite close and saw each other regularly, a few times a month.

I just feel like she should have said 'partner is applying for this job, how would you feel if we moved away?' I never would have told her not to go but I just feel like she should've checked in to ask how I felt about my mum moving to another country. Is that unreasonable of me? She's an adult and can do what she likes and doesn't have to consult me. It just felt like she hadn't considered me

OP posts:
sparepantsandtoothbrush · 20/07/2021 20:11

I mean it would have been nice if she's told you sooner but of course she didn't need to ASK you! She's an adult and shouldn't need anyone else's permission to do somethingd

Teacupsandtoast · 20/07/2021 20:11

Would you ask your mum for permission to move away.....?

Royalbloo · 20/07/2021 20:12

Come again?

iklboo · 20/07/2021 20:13

Unless you're under 16, no.

SchrodingersImmigrant · 20/07/2021 20:13

Didn't want to jinx it. I would just say when it was clear it's happening as well

Original poster
salviapages · 20/07/2021 20:13

@Teacupsandtoast

Would you ask your mum for permission to move away.....?
I wouldn't ask her permission no, but I would have told her that I'm thinking of moving abroad so we could discuss it first. To show that I care about how that would impact her, we could talk about visiting and calling. Maybe I'm over sensitive? But if it was the other way around I would discuss it with people closest to me before it was set in stone to show I care
OP posts:
Palavah · 20/07/2021 20:15

So did she not tell you until after she'd moved?

Feather12 · 20/07/2021 20:15

I think once children get to their twenties and are independent, they are no longer a consideration. There will be lots of people along soon to tell me I am wrong- but it does not mean she does not love you or think about you, but you are no longer a reason to put her own desires/needs/dreams on hold. I will be doing this to my own kids at some point as I do not live in the U.K., but want to go back to Europe. Will you get to see more of her as restrictions lift?

SchrodingersImmigrant · 20/07/2021 20:15

You had months to talk about it though. I have a feeling you would be doing sad eyes and "aww but". Going by the fact you are still dwelling on not being asked

ShaneTheThird · 20/07/2021 20:16

YabmassivelyU. Shes an adult she didn't have to ask your permission. She told you months in advance she was going you could have told her then that you didnt want to go.

Im very close to my dm but i told her out of the blue one day i was moving to france to live with some french bloke and she had to accept it with no warning or discussion and as she says im an adult it was my decision. Its the same for your mom. She can live her life to make her happy. Parents or any adults dont need to consult each other unless its partners and the move directly impacts where they live.

HalleLouja · 20/07/2021 20:16

I am upset aged 42 that my mum has moved herself abroad. 😂 Even I think that’s you (and I) are being unreasonable…

SchrodingersImmigrant · 20/07/2021 20:17

@HalleLouja

I am upset aged 42 that my mum has moved herself abroad. 😂 Even I think that’s you (and I) are being unreasonable…
You can be sad a missing the person, that's absolutely reasonable. The unreasonable part comes in "should have been asked" bit
ShaneTheThird · 20/07/2021 20:17

*didnt want her to go.

ShaneTheThird · 20/07/2021 20:18

You can be sad a missing the person, that's absolutely reasonable. The unreasonable part comes in "should have been asked" bit

100%.

LubaLuca · 20/07/2021 20:19

I'm with your mum on this. She didn't want to make any announcements until everything was lined up. They were going whether you wanted them to or not, and you got a few months' notice, so there was nothing more to be done.

Original poster
salviapages · 20/07/2021 20:20

Just to clarify, I'm not upset that she moved abroad. I actually think it was a great idea and really good for her. I would've been all for it. Also don't think she need to ask my permission. Maybe I am being unreasonable, sounds like I am!

But like if I were going to move to another country, I would talk to my best friend about it since we see each other all the time. I wouldn't be asking her permission I just think it would be kind to ask how she would feel about it.

OP posts:
xlexiix · 20/07/2021 20:20

Haha you think that's bad my mom went on a 2 week holiday in December with her new partner she met in October and decided she wasn't coming home.

I wouldn't have minded so much because I am a 30 year old adult but she left EVERYTHING in the UK for me to deal with

pinkcircustop · 20/07/2021 20:22

Yep, YABU and oversensitive. She doesn’t need to have a discussion with you or run it past you.

However close you are, it’s entirely her decision and she doesn’t need to factor you into it.

WeatherForecast · 20/07/2021 20:23

Yeah, you’re being very unreasonable. You were at an age where you were independent and your mum was no longer expected or required to provide you a home. If she’d have discussed it with you beforehand it would have been meaningless as she clearly had decided to go and so it would have still been an announcement.

Maybe she knew you’d be unhappy about it and so figured it was kinder to let you know it was a done deal rather than put you in a position where you believed you were being consulted but really the decision had been made. Or maybe it just didn’t even cross her mind to discuss it with you beforehand as you were 24 and it would have been really weird for her to ask permission or get your blessing.

You are not your mum and she isn’t you. Just because you would discuss it with people beforehand to ‘show you care’ doesn’t mean that’s how she does or should see things.

ShaneTheThird · 20/07/2021 20:23

I mean this kindly op, is something else going on in your life? Instead of framing it as a fantastic opportunity for your mom and basking in her happiness you are dwelling on the poor me i wasnt told the moment she decided it. You said yourself you're close to your mom and this opportunity was great for her so i dont understand why you are being negative now.

tallduckandhandsome · 20/07/2021 20:23

I can see why you’re upset with being presented with a fait accompli.

And yet if the opposite had happened and you posted that you had done this to your parents, people would tell you YABU.

WeatherForecast · 20/07/2021 20:27

@tallduckandhandsome

I can see why you’re upset with being presented with a fait accompli.

And yet if the opposite had happened and you posted that you had done this to your parents, people would tell you YABU.

They really, really wouldn’t.

OP’s mum hasn’t decided to move to France at OP.

LtDansleg · 20/07/2021 20:27

She didn’t tell you because the decision was riding on a job offer. She knew you’d be upset at the thought of her going, so thought best not to mention it and have you worry in case it fell through. As it is she gave you plenty of notice with months to spare

mbosnz · 20/07/2021 20:31

@tallduckandhandsome

I can see why you’re upset with being presented with a fait accompli.

And yet if the opposite had happened and you posted that you had done this to your parents, people would tell you YABU.

Well, I wouldn't. I moved out when I was 18, and since then, I've made my own decisions, and my parents could disapprove or approve of them as they wished. Didn't make any difference.

Ditto, I'd never think that my parents should ask my permission, or blessing, for their own decisions.

UndertheCedartree · 20/07/2021 20:32

I think I know how you feel. A bit different but...my mum would always tell me how she would help me when I had DC. She would look after me for a week after the birth etc. etc. When I was pregnant with my first baby my DP moved abroad. Now of course it was their choice and they like it there and are happy. But for a while it did feel a bit strange. I was 25, married with our own home, been together since I was 19 so similar to you. But this future I'd imagined with my DC having a lovely close relationship with my DM just vanished.

It's ok to have feelings about things that are a bit unreasonable. We often have lots of complicated issues with our DP which don't just disappear the day we turn 18. But for your own sake it would be good to try and let go of the upset, accept it as something that happened that you can't change and try and focus on your relationship with your mum now