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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think my mum should've asked me before moving abroad?

114 replies

salviapages · 20/07/2021 20:02

This happened a few years ago and I feel kind of petty for still thinking about it but it's really impacted the way I feel my mum views me.

A few years ago, my mum moved abroad with her partner. He'd applied for a job out there (she didn't tell me he was doing this) and after he accepted the job she rang me all excited and told me they were moving abroad in a few months time.

I was about 24 at the time and had been living with my partner and financially independent since I was 18 so it's not like I still relied on her. But we were quite close and saw each other regularly, a few times a month.

I just feel like she should have said 'partner is applying for this job, how would you feel if we moved away?' I never would have told her not to go but I just feel like she should've checked in to ask how I felt about my mum moving to another country. Is that unreasonable of me? She's an adult and can do what she likes and doesn't have to consult me. It just felt like she hadn't considered me

OP posts:

audweb · 20/07/2021 22:47

I hope when my kids in her twenties that I don’t have to ask permission to live my life. She told you in advance. What else did you want?! What if she had raised it as a possibility, would you have tried to persuade her to stay? Better just to tell you as a final decision.

junebirthdaygirl · 20/07/2021 22:51

I think it's strange she didn't discuss it with you and not because she needed your permission but because you are an important part of her life. I understand how you feel.
Years ago my dh and l were moving across country and l was in counselling at the time. She advised me that it was so important that anyone impacted by our move be brought on board so that the whole thing was done well and there be no bad feelings. This was parents/ friends/ one auntie who lived nearby and depended on us a bit etc. Children were coming with us. We were still going but keeping everyone on side was hugely important to us. This proved wise as we moved back several years later and were able to take up where we left off.
I could not imagine us moving abroad without keeping our ..in their 20s..dc onside. They would be shocked.

hellcatspangle · 20/07/2021 22:55

What would be the point of discussing it though? She'd made up her mind to go, so how you felt about it wouldn't have made any odds.

If I was planning to move abroad, I'd speak to my adult dc to let them know what I was planning but I wouldn't be looking for approval.

campion · 20/07/2021 23:12

@audweb

She told OP when it was a done deal. OP would have liked to be part of the conversation before that because it has left her feeling insecure about how her DM actually feels about her. I can see why she'd feel that.

It's really not about asking permission or stopping anyone from living their life. It's about their relationship.

Planty13 · 20/07/2021 23:20

I can’t vote cause I do get you. My
mum would LOVE to move away. And it would break my heart but I’d support her. However I know 100% she would talk me through the process as it was happening. She would want to know my feelings and they would matter and we would talk about them but I wouldn’t hold her back.
Your mum hasn’t communicated well. MN forgets people have attachments to their relatives sometimes so ignore that.

SchrodingersImmigrant · 20/07/2021 23:23

Tbf to the mum, the interview etc wasn't particularly her info to share, isn't it though.

dappymonster · 20/07/2021 23:28

I haven't read all your replies but I kind get how you must feel. But I have small children so I do think I am more aware of lack of family around. My mum lives 2 hours from me and my brother, dad cousins all moved abroad. Not close by, China, America, Hong Kong, France is the closest. I have no family left except my mum and she's in her 60s. My husbands family all live at least 5 hours away over the Scotland / England border. It's been a lonely year for many and I suppose you're more aware of it after the year we have had. You must miss her, but I suppose it's her life and her choice. You're all grown up now I guess so she is free to make her own choices.

WendyYourExcellency · 20/07/2021 23:28

I’ll go against the grain here. I would be very sad if my mum moved abroad. If it came out of the blue I would be hurt on top of sad.

What I would say though is that for me this comes out of a difficult relationship with my mum, where I feel anxious and seek her approval. I wonder if I felt more comfortable with her if I’d feel more relaxed about this hypothetical moving away, but part of me would sense it as a rejection. It doesn’t really matter if that’s unreasonable, it is how you feel. I think I would try to reflect more deeply on your feelings about this relationship to get to the bottom of this.

candycane222 · 20/07/2021 23:31

Well i think its odd she didn't twll you what they were planning/hoping to do, even though as you accept, you didn't actually have a say.

I felt a bit the same when my father remarried without telling me. Just - oddly secretive and a bit hurtful. I get what you feel OP.

olidora63 · 20/07/2021 23:32

As a mother I personally would never move away from my children but if they moved away I would be absolutely heartbroken but also understand why . Back in 1988 I decided to stay in Australia…my lovely Daddy gave me the heads up and said he was ok …he died suddenly…it was a very sad long trip home 😢

LifesNotEnidBlyton · 20/07/2021 23:46

YANBU OP and I think how you feel is understandable. People are trying to say it like you wanted her to ask you if she could, but you're asking if she should have talked to you and asked what you thought and I think that's normal really. When you do something like move to another country most people talk about it with friends and family and ask what they think, not because they're aking if they can but becuase it's quite normal to be like "Oh this big thing might be happening in my life what do you think?". Most people would be a bit shocked if their mum said, without any backstory where you knew it might be happening, "I'm moving abroad!", some people on here are still living with adult kids and treating them like children at 24, so it's a bit harsh to say your mum isn't being unusual by not talking to you first to see what you thought, not if she could, but because most mums would want to talk about how much you think you could fly out to see her if she did and because she wants you to know about her life before it happens not when it's obviously been months in the making of just waiting to see if hed got the job and knowing they might be going.

Skysblue · 20/07/2021 23:58

If she was seeing you several times a month and suddenly ditched that to permanently move abroad without at least asking how you’d feel, then yes I think that’s hurtful.

I suspect she was worried you’d ask her not to go and she was avoiding dealing with her responsibility for hurting your feelings.

Yanbu.

toconclude · 21/07/2021 00:01

@tallduckandhandsome

I can see why you’re upset with being presented with a fait accompli.

And yet if the opposite had happened and you posted that you had done this to your parents, people would tell you YABU.

No they wouldn't.

LillianGish · 21/07/2021 00:16

I’m astonished by some of the responses on this thread. I moved abroad myself when I got married, but talked about it with my parents beforehand. Now I’m getting to the stage where DH and I might do a foreign posting once the kids have left home - I wouldn’t dream of springing it on them out of the blue without talking about it first. I can’t imagine making a life-changing decision like that without talking to my family about it - not to give them the final say, but just to get their input and take their feelings into account. I don’t think you are being unreasonable at all - it does sound as if your mum hadn’t even considered you. I find that really odd.

Bellyups · 21/07/2021 00:21

YABU. Very.

spotcheck · 21/07/2021 00:27

How far away did she go?

Is it fairly easy to see her?

Perhaps she didn't tell you when it was in the works as she 1) didn't know if it was happening and 2) wasn't sure they would go until they got the offer

I think though, that I would have talked to you about it though.
I'm moving away from where I raised my kids, and I've given them the heads up

Inthetropics · 21/07/2021 00:29

I am an only child and me and my mum are very close and have a lovely relationship. So i get it, i really do. I'd feel a bit weird if she did something like moving countries without ever talking about this with me. But i think YABU and yet i still can see where you are coming from. It's just one of those things that happens and catches us off guard, maybe.

audweb · 21/07/2021 00:33

@campion she was 24 and living independently, I don’t see why the mum had to share details of a possible move, that actually depended on her partner doing well in an interview. She still told her once they knew they could move in advance.

If my parents had told me they were moving abroad in my twenties I would have been surprised but I wouldn’t have thought it was my place to say they should have discussed it.

Mind you, I don’t live near my parents, and I don’t think I consulted them about my decision in my mid twenties. I also fully expect my child to fly the nest to wherever she wants, and I’ll support that even if it’s half way around the world from her. Life’s too short to begrudge people wanting to do different things.

PickAChew · 21/07/2021 00:37

If you feel so affronted by this then maybe you are part of the reason.

OhtheVulgarity · 21/07/2021 01:09

Honestly, OP, people move countries all the time without running it by their nearest and dearest. Is this post coming from the same ‘totally empty gesture’ place as ‘My boyfriend asked my dad’s permission to marry me?’

spotcheck · 21/07/2021 01:30

@PickAChew

If you feel so affronted by this then maybe you are part of the reason.

Aw, Unnecessary

timeisnotaline · 21/07/2021 01:45

I and a number of siblings moved overseas. Never asked anyone about it, just told them that was our plan. It’s our life! Ditto if our parents had decided to. You really are being unreasonable.

Marty13 · 21/07/2021 02:21

I'm probably not in a good position to sympathize because moving abroad isn't such a big deal to me - between my parents and two siblings we once lived in four different countries across three continents. I also have a fraught relationship with my own mother (to give you an example, she doesn't even know my exact address atm, only the city and country.)

So... I wouldn't be hurt in your place, no.

I also think it's interesting that it's weighing on your mind so much, so long after the facts.

I think you need to think about why you're so upset over something so minor, because this could be the tip of the iceberg.

Also, just because your mother moved away doesn't mean you suddenly have to be available for your grandmother. If she needs something you can't provide (be it time, help or anything else) I'd just tell your mom "btw Granny said that she needs X, just so you know. I can't help so I'll let you sort it."

Being the default carer is something I will never ever so.

Wingedharpy · 21/07/2021 02:26

Depends on your relationship, I suppose, regarding what sort of discussion takes place pre-move.

Several years ago a friend of mine made arrangements to take his Dad to the airport "next Wednesday", so he could fly off for his annual 2 weeks holiday.

Next Wednesday duly arrives, friend pitches up at Dad's house, cases put in boot and away they go.
En route, Dad says, "by the way, son, I'm not going on holiday, I'm emigrating to Australia....with your Sister".

That relationship was never quite the same again, strangely.

At least your DM gave you some warning OP.

PurpleOkapi · 21/07/2021 03:40

I don't understand the line you're drawing between "caring about your opinion" and "asking permission." If she cares about your opinion so much that your opposition would make her change her plans, that's the same thing as her needing your permission. If your opinion won't make her change her plans, then while she might still care about it a great deal, whether she discusses her plans with you before or after the decision is made changes nothing.

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