To think my mum should've asked me before moving abroad?

[salviapages]

This happened a few years ago and I feel kind of petty for still thinking about it but it's really impacted the way I feel my mum views me.

A few years ago, my mum moved abroad with her partner. He'd applied for a job out there (she didn't tell me he was doing this) and after he accepted the job she rang me all excited and told me they were moving abroad in a few months time.

I was about 24 at the time and had been living with my partner and financially independent since I was 18 so it's not like I still relied on her. But we were quite close and saw each other regularly, a few times a month.

I just feel like she should have said 'partner is applying for this job, how would you feel if we moved away?' I never would have told her not to go but I just feel like she should've checked in to ask how I felt about my mum moving to another country. Is that unreasonable of me? She's an adult and can do what she likes and doesn't have to consult me. It just felt like she hadn't considered me

@salviapages

Honestly sometimes on mumsnet it feels like some people don't read the whole post before replying 😅 I'm happy to admit it seems like I am being over sensitive, and maybe it would unnecessary for me to tell people I care about beforehand if it was the other way around. But nowhere did I say she had to ask for my permission, I'm not THAT unreasonable!

The title of your post is literally “my mum SHOULD’VE ASKED ME” 🙄

The thing si when the decisoon haa been made there is really no "discussion".

Did you not talk about calls and how things will be in the months before she moved???

And sorry, bit there is a fine line between caringa nd controll and having this "I wasn't asked about it" so much on someone's mind is imho going into a control thing rather than care

If she was upset at the idea that we couldn't see each other as much anymore, I'd suggest having a weekly call, or starting to write letters and be pen pals to have something exciting to look for in the post, or we could together look into how much flights are and if she could stay with me or if she'd need to find nearby accommodation. Not because I need to ask her permission, but because I care about her and would want to show that our relationship is important.

You can do that anyway, when you tell her you are going.

Look, you've seen from here that most people think you ABU. You've admitted yourself that the "asking" would be a completely empty gesture; you wouldn't be asking, you'd be telling. You've been quite clear that you wouldn't actually say "okay, I won't go" if they weren't happy, although now you've led your theoretical friend to think you might, and you've had confirmation that the vast majority of people wouldn't see it that way. So you can let it go, or you can continue to stew on your mum not having the same attachment as you to empty gestures. Your call.

I might be biased though. I didn't ask anyone how would they feel about me emigrating. I just told them I am emigrating and all planning went from there.

Discussing it would mean one party thinks they can influence the other.

When DH and I decided to move abroad my mum did a lot of negative talking to me, actively trying to discourage me.

Every large event or decision I made since then was affected by it, in the majority of times I didn’t say anything until everything was set in stone. She wanted to discuss, I felt like she wanted me to change my mind.

Your mum may have realised you would be more upset than supporting and therefore thought it is better to wait until the decision is being made.

I don't know. I think it's good for her to tell you in advance, but I certainly wouldn't ask permission.

I moved abroad when I was in my late 20s (first to work, and then eventually to live with dh, who I met working abroad and lived in a third country). I've never moved back to my home country (now in my 40s). I'm an only child. Never once asked my mum permission, because honestly, it's my life. I have always been welcoming to her for visits and I have tried to visit her when possible. I actually think it's lovely your mum is out there experiencing new places. Mine is just sitting at home retired, going to the pool every day and not leaving the house much. I'd love to know she was out there doing new and exciting things.

Completely unreasonable OP. You were an adult living independently.

When I moved abroad (15 years ago) I just told my parents and they were delighted for me. I would never ever have thought to 'ask their opinion'.

I totally understand why you’re upset. It would have been nice if she’d at least considered that it might be a big deal for you, and if she’d have let you know it might be happening you could have got used to the idea, and you could have felt like she cared about you and how it might affect you.

I think it would have been good if she'd planted the seed so it wasn't a total shock. It's not really the same the other way round - parents expect and want their children to move away for work / study / adventure. Of course it's fine for your mum to move but she must have understood it's a big deal for you, and you saw each other often - I think it's OK to feel hurt she didn't bring it up.

My parents have never moved since I left home. I moved abroad and changed countries 5 times in my twenties and always discussed a move with them. At times they probably didn't want me to go but we still talked things through and waved me off with good will. We are close and I valued their input.

I also think there is another dimension if your DM has left behind her own mother who you now have caring responsibilities for. Perhaps she hadn't intended for that to happen but old age is fairly predictable .. it must have crossed her mind. So YANBU.

How could you be quite close and this not be everyday discussion? Odd dynamic for really close.
Our children want to know if we’ve gone to the Isle of Wight for a long weekend.

I do understand what you are saying: that you are hurt that she didn't prepare you a little bit and take you into her confidence, because if the situation was reversed, you would have done that to her.

And, no, I don't think you are unreasonable at all. I sometimes wonder about people who do things very differently from the way I would have treated them.

i am surprised at the answers here, but maybe it is because you have placed it on AIBU and the title of it. I do think, I understand and I don't think you are being unreasonable at all.

Completely U
you’re allowed to miss a person but thinking you should have in some way had a say is ridiculous

Did you run the idea of moving in with your DP past her before making a decision? As if she'd said 'that's not a good idea, I don't like it', you'd have decided not to because she'd be unhappy?

If not, it's really not something you will benefit from still holding resentment/hurt for.

You mention that you were (are?) living with a partner. Perhaps your Mum felt that you had your own life, own family unit, so it was not such a big deal for her to move away as it might have been if you had still been single and she was the closest person available to give you support in life?

Also, how long had she been with her partner? Was it fairly recently that she had settled down with him, or were they a long standing couple? I ask because if he was quite new you could imagine she might be worried you had doubts about him and be protective of her. Is your Dad involved in your life?

I have a bit of sympathy here, OP. It's not about permission, it's about the impact on those left behind.

My mum also moved abroad - no problem with that whatsoever. I do however have a problem with the fact she then instantly announced she was never coming back to the UK, so the onus, cost, and holiday allowance impact falls to everyone else except her. She constantly slags off the UK, and makes up stories about it. And has done no planning whatsoever about how care is managed as she gets older. There is very little social care or infrastructure where she is.

So moving abroad is not the issue as far as I can see. It's expecting everyone else to deal with the consequences that's the real problem.

I am possibly projecting though

YABU. You really need to move on. I don’t understand why this is still upsetting you.

I'm going against the grain here.

She didn't need to ask permission, no, but I would have thought she'd discuss it with you first. Again her decision but tbh your opinions would have been appreciated.

Sometimes I think MN is some kind of parallel universe. This is her Mum, not the woman who works in Tesco.

I think I know how you feel , as a parent. Can you get over there to see her often Enough?

Mil moved abroad over a decade ago. What gets to me is that she presumed so much and didnt discuss the presumptions with us.

She presumed we would fly over every year in school time ( she was back here over the summer).

She presumed she could live with us for three months of the year as a base without helping to buy her food, to cook ever or clean up after herself.

She presumes that once she needs the NHS, gets infirm, runs out of cash she will live with us.

So if your mum is like my mil steamroller I dont think yabu at all. Each one of her presumptions when pulled up on has caused her much distress and tantrums. She didnt think it through, didnt discus with us but insists we accommodate her 100%

It wouldnt be as bad if your mum expects nothing like the above unless I'd worth you first?
My mil also had a fit when I wanted to sell my house. She needs her backup plan. She is living her best life ever so hats off to her but all of her presumptions haven't been accommodated. God know I might want to emergrate myself

YANBU.
I’d be very upset if my Mum arranged a massive change like that, and announced it as a done deal. I’d expect her to running he idea past me first, partly to gauge my opinion, and also to give me warning. I’d do the same for her. It’s what you do with people you love and are close to.

I'd be gutted. It's a big deal and deserves talking through with those 'left behind'. No she doesn't need your permission but that's not really how I read your post. Child or adult we have a responsibility towards the emotional health of our children.

YANBU
Your DM didn't consider your feelings at all and IMO handled it in a very tactless and emotionally inept way.

I don’t think YABU OP. I’d be really upset if my mum did this and wouldn’t contemplate moving that far away from my child, even if he was an adult.

(If he wants to move away that’s fine, but it feels different to choose to leave him.)

Realise I'm in a minority here but I would feel the same, if you are close to someone, a member of your family, you don't expect them to just up and leave. Especially your parents, they should be there for you. We have some family members abroad, it means there are fewer people to turn to in an emergency, fewer to help babysit, and of course we hardly see them. It totally changes the relationship and makes things harder when you have kids.

I clicked YABU but I would definitely consult my adult offspring if a move overseas was on the cards. Of course your DM doesn’t need your permission but it would be nice if she had discussed it with you. I understand why you would feel hurt.