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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think my mum should've asked me before moving abroad?

114 replies

salviapages · 20/07/2021 20:02

This happened a few years ago and I feel kind of petty for still thinking about it but it's really impacted the way I feel my mum views me.

A few years ago, my mum moved abroad with her partner. He'd applied for a job out there (she didn't tell me he was doing this) and after he accepted the job she rang me all excited and told me they were moving abroad in a few months time.

I was about 24 at the time and had been living with my partner and financially independent since I was 18 so it's not like I still relied on her. But we were quite close and saw each other regularly, a few times a month.

I just feel like she should have said 'partner is applying for this job, how would you feel if we moved away?' I never would have told her not to go but I just feel like she should've checked in to ask how I felt about my mum moving to another country. Is that unreasonable of me? She's an adult and can do what she likes and doesn't have to consult me. It just felt like she hadn't considered me

OP posts:

Lovinghannah · 21/07/2021 05:44

I don't think you are being unreasonable. I would feel upset too. As you say, you're not saying she needed your permission, it's more nuanced than that. If you have a close relationship, you could try discussing it now with her. You may feel a lot better just having her acknowledge your feelings.

Lalala89 · 21/07/2021 05:54

My dad, step mum and two young sisters moved from nz to USA when I was 17 and pregnant and the year prior had tried to commit suicide. I had no other family. They didn't ask me nor did I expect them too. It hurt ALOT. But it's their life not mine. YABU and entitled.

CeeceeBloomingdale · 21/07/2021 05:54

Maybe she was feeling the pain of being separated from you and couldn't deal with being pulled two ways and therefore waited until it was a done deal. YABU as she is free to live her own life and you have held onto this issue for a long time which isn't healthy.

HoppingPavlova · 21/07/2021 06:43

I wouldn't be asking her permission I just think it would be kind to ask how she would feel about it.

This makes no sense. If you have decided to live overseas, and then ask someone what they think, and the person says ‘no, you can’t go/don’t want you to go’ then what has been achieved? Basically all you could say is ‘okay, thanks for your view, we leave in August’. I just don’t see what asking someone what they think adds here?

newnortherner111 · 21/07/2021 07:01

I think you are being unreasonable, unless there was a long period of time between job being accepted and actually moving. Even then it's only about not giving you as much warning as possible.

junebirthdaygirl · 21/07/2021 07:23

I think it's about talking through the process. My ds is moving abroad soon. He had discussions with us about it, bouncing ideas, chatting about possible jobs . So gradually we have got used to the idea. We had no issue with it and fully supported his move but as part of our relationship we chatted through it together and he kept us updated on his progress . At no time were we going to stop him, make him feel bad but if he had never mentioned it but then announced..l am off to Germany in two weeks we would have been shocked.

SchrodingersImmigrant · 21/07/2021 08:27

*Aw,
Unnecessary

Bit true. It waa my thought as wwll. Sometimes aome people qould make ghings much sadder than necessary. So it's bwtter to not go with hypoteticals to them.

It's not like mum called on a way to the airport. She called months before the move and all the "discussions" could have been had.

QueenofLouisiana · 21/07/2021 08:50

I was 17 and living with my father when he announced that he and his wife were moving to Australia. I still wonder how that thought process went. DS is now 16 and I can’t imagine doing the same thing.
My father has remarried and his current wife occasionally suggests I should ring more often, as he feels he misses out on my family life. I don’t really have an answer for that.
His life, his choices.

reluctantbrit · 21/07/2021 10:02

@junebirthdaygirl

But the OP’s mum moved several months after the announcement.

While she didn’t discuss the actual decision I would assume that between the announcement and the move there were talks about it and the mum will have shared how she wants the relationship going forward.

Maybe because I moved away from my parents early with a distance where you can’t just drop in for a cup of tea my whole view of how a parent/adult child relationship is structured is most likely different to one where a daughter sees her mum on a very regular basis.

DoubleTweenQueen · 21/07/2021 10:08

@salviapages As you are now an independent adult, it's time to realise that your mum is also a woman with her own life to live and be happy for her. Life really is very short.

She told you as soon as she knew. Job applications often come to nothing.

Gwenhwyfar · 21/07/2021 12:40

"if I were going to move to another country, I would talk to my best friend about it since we see each other all the time. I wouldn't be asking her permission I just think it would be kind to ask how she would feel about it."

And if she said "I don't want you to go", what would you do? Why would you ask someone's opinion if they're not part of the decision?

Gwenhwyfar · 21/07/2021 12:41

@Lalala89

That's quite different. You were still under 18 and vulnerable. OP is a grown woman.

Thelnebriati · 21/07/2021 13:03

I think you and your Mum have different beliefs about your relationship. You see yourselves more as equals, as friends; and she still sees you as mother and daughter.
Its also possible that she was worried you would say you didn't want her to move, and she didn't want to deal with that.

worktrip · 21/07/2021 20:15

She probably didn't want to mention it initially in case he didn't get the job, but as soon as it was confirmed she called you. If she'd said sooner and he hadn't got the job it would have been some major non news.

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