Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my mum should've asked me before moving abroad?

114 replies

salviapages · 20/07/2021 20:02

This happened a few years ago and I feel kind of petty for still thinking about it but it's really impacted the way I feel my mum views me.

A few years ago, my mum moved abroad with her partner. He'd applied for a job out there (she didn't tell me he was doing this) and after he accepted the job she rang me all excited and told me they were moving abroad in a few months time.

I was about 24 at the time and had been living with my partner and financially independent since I was 18 so it's not like I still relied on her. But we were quite close and saw each other regularly, a few times a month.

I just feel like she should have said 'partner is applying for this job, how would you feel if we moved away?' I never would have told her not to go but I just feel like she should've checked in to ask how I felt about my mum moving to another country. Is that unreasonable of me? She's an adult and can do what she likes and doesn't have to consult me. It just felt like she hadn't considered me

OP posts:
Original poster
salviapages · 20/07/2021 20:32

Honestly sometimes on mumsnet it feels like some people don't read the whole post before replying 😅 I'm happy to admit it seems like I am being over sensitive, and maybe it would unnecessary for me to tell people I care about beforehand if it was the other way around. But nowhere did I say she had to ask for my permission, I'm not THAT unreasonable!

OP posts:
a8mint · 20/07/2021 20:34

2 of my dc live overseas, and yes, they did ask me if i would be ok with it which i thought was very sweet..

titchy · 20/07/2021 20:35

@salviapages

Honestly sometimes on mumsnet it feels like some people don't read the whole post before replying 😅 I'm happy to admit it seems like I am being over sensitive, and maybe it would unnecessary for me to tell people I care about beforehand if it was the other way around. But nowhere did I say she had to ask for my permission, I'm not THAT unreasonable!
The title of your post is that you think she should have asked you!
Original poster
salviapages · 20/07/2021 20:36

I meant asked me how I felt, not asked permission! Thought this was clear from my post, misleading title whoops!

OP posts:
DeRigueurMortis · 20/07/2021 20:36

I'm going to go against the grain a bit here and say it depends on her long term expectations.

My friends mum did similar without a care for the future.

Lovely life for her, but expecting her children to pay for expensive flights to visit and being upset when they couldn't always afford to.

10 years later her partner was ill and she wanted huge amounts of support that wasn't possible to provide from the U.K. without great expense to her children.

Another 5 years passed and she's poorly and expecting her children to re-locate her back to the U.K. because she's spent every penny on her dream life and hasn't worked since her partner became ill.

As usual the onus falls on my friend (the daughter rather than her brother) to house and nurse her whilst bringing up her family and working full time.

The irony being the same period of life where her mum was enjoying her "freedom" after her children left the nest, will be my friend losing hers to care for her mother (because she frittered her money away on living the dream).

Upshot, your mother is entitled to make these choices without your input, but at the same time if it all goes pear shaped it's your choice to help her out or not.

Daphnise · 20/07/2021 20:37

She knew what you are like, so didn't ask, or consult you.

In this case a very understandable decision.

BuffySummersReportingforSanity · 20/07/2021 20:38

But like if I were going to move to another country, I would talk to my best friend about it since we see each other all the time. I wouldn't be asking her permission I just think it would be kind to ask how she would feel about it.

I think it's downright unkind to give people the impression they have a say in a decision when they don't. If you decided to move abroad, your best friend wouldn't get a say and nor would your DM. If I were moving abroad, the only people who would get a say were me and DH. Leading other people to believe they were part of the decision process would be inappropriate and cruel.

Original poster
salviapages · 20/07/2021 20:38

@DeRigueurMortis I think this is a good point, her moving away has left me to look after her own mother who is increasingly unable to do things for herself. She never asked me how I would feel being responsible for looking after her

OP posts:
BuffySummersReportingforSanity · 20/07/2021 20:40

Also, if you don't feel willing or able to look after your DGM, don't. It's not an obligation.

RightYesButNo · 20/07/2021 20:41

I don’t understand. You keep saying with a laugh that you wouldn’t be THAT unreasonable to think she needs your permission. Then this is your example:

But like if I were going to move to another country, I would talk to my best friend about it since we see each other all the time. I wouldn't be asking her permission I just think it would be kind to ask how she would feel about it.

Well, how does that work? See how she would feel? What the hell are you going to do if she says no, it would upset her terribly and you can’t possibly leave? Just not go? Or ignore her feelings (because… you don’t need her permission)? These are you options: she tells you, you say “great” or you say “awful, how can you go,” she goes no matter what because she’s an adult, and if you said the latter, your relationship suffers. The end.

Semi cross-post: I’ve just seen that her leaving left you to care for her mother, which seems completely separate. If that was the issue, yes, she should have asked if you were willing or able to take on that responsibility. But you didn’t bring that into the OP.

Tal45 · 20/07/2021 20:41

I would just concentrate on the fact you thought her going abroad was great, so no problem. If you were devastated it might be a bit different. Perhaps she believed you would think it was a good thing and so didn't feel she needed to run it by you.

SchrodingersImmigrant · 20/07/2021 20:42

@salviapages

I meant asked me how I felt, not asked permission! Thought this was clear from my post, misleading title whoops!
That is though basically asking for permission. Because imagine if you would do "aww but I don't want you to move. It makes me sad"
Original poster
salviapages · 20/07/2021 20:42

@Tal45

I would just concentrate on the fact you thought her going abroad was great, so no problem. If you were devastated it might be a bit different. Perhaps she believed you would think it was a good thing and so didn't feel she needed to run it by you.
That's a good point, I think I am reading too much into it all
OP posts:
UndertheCedartree · 20/07/2021 20:43

Also has this come up because you haven't been able to see your DM due to Covid? I've not seen mine for 20 months and my DC have changed a lot in that time. I think it will be quite hard for them when we see my DP again and vice versa. I have missed my mum a lot and I'm not going to lie I've felt a bit sorry for myself sometimes and thought...well if she hadn't moved abroad! Yes, completely unreasonable but I've thought it none the less!

SchrodingersImmigrant · 20/07/2021 20:44

[quote salviapages]@DeRigueurMortis I think this is a good point, her moving away has left me to look after her own mother who is increasingly unable to do things for herself. She never asked me how I would feel being responsible for looking after her[/quote]
That's a totally different issue to just moving

Frankola · 20/07/2021 20:46

It could be that the decision was riding on the job offer?

I can't see the point in asking how you'd feel though. She obviously wanted to go because she didn't ask you how you felt or your permission (which, to clarify, she didn't need to).

What would you have expected her to do if you had said "I don't like the idea"?

You say you wouldn't have wanted her to stay for you but then what's the need for her to ask?

ViceLikeBlip · 20/07/2021 20:46

I get that of course she didn't have to ASK permission etc. But still, I'd be really upset if my parent just sprang this on me, and I would have been even more devastated if I were only 24. I can't imagine ever doing this to my own kids.

CharleyChook · 20/07/2021 20:48

Maybe I am being unreasonable, sounds like I am

Yes. You have no say in your mums future happiness.

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 20/07/2021 20:51

You wanted your mum to ask you how you felt and if you were ok with it even though whatever you replied, she would have gone ahead and had she asked you if you were ok with it you would have said yes even if you actually didn't want her to go?

What would have been the point of her pretending that how you feel could change her plans and you pretending that you were fine with her plans if you weren't? Or you actually being fine but wanting her to ask anyway even though she didn't intend to base her decision on whether you were for it or against it?

I've confused myself even trying to figure it all out 😁.

It's like the
'how are you?
Fine thanks, you?
Fine' thing isn't it?

I don't want to know how you are but I'm going to ask and I don't want you to tell me.
I know you are only asking to be polite and I'm going to tell you I'm fine even though I'm not and I'll ask how you are even though I really don't want to know.
I'll tell you I'm also fine even though I'm not because I know that you don't want to know how I am any more than I want to know how you are.
Thank god this interaction is over, we have fulfilled our social obligation to make polite enquiries and we can go about our day. 😁

It's the symbolism of the question that matters.

Did I get it right? 😁

DeRigueurMortis · 20/07/2021 20:52

[quote salviapages]@DeRigueurMortis I think this is a good point, her moving away has left me to look after her own mother who is increasingly unable to do things for herself. She never asked me how I would feel being responsible for looking after her[/quote]

I think it's issues such as this that many posters don't consider (and to be fair you didn't include in your OP).

It's fine to live your own life, but when those decisions have consequences for other people, yes, asking is appropriate.

Otherwise it's up to her to put suitable care in place in conjunction with her mother.

MyDogCalledMax · 20/07/2021 20:54

I think you’re being unreasonable for still being upset about it years later.

Original poster
salviapages · 20/07/2021 20:56

@CharleyChook

Maybe I am being unreasonable, sounds like I am

Yes. You have no say in your mums future happiness.

I don't mean to be argumentative but I really don't understand this attitude, and that of some other posters here. Like @ViceLikeBlip says she can't imagine doing that to her children.

No I don't get a say in what my mum does, she's an adult as am I and we don't have to consult each other on anything. But we're family and we care about each other. I had no say in whether she moved abroad (not that I would stop her) but surely as my mother she would care if I felt upset by it? Would want to discuss it with me?

Someone asked above why I would bother telling my best friend before I moved if how she reacted had no impact on my decision. But it would be to show I care. If she was upset at the idea that we couldn't see each other as much anymore, I'd suggest having a weekly call, or starting to write letters and be pen pals to have something exciting to look for in the post, or we could together look into how much flights are and if she could stay with me or if she'd need to find nearby accommodation. Not because I need to ask her permission, but because I care about her and would want to show that our relationship is important.

I can admit I'm being unreasonable that it still bothers me now a few years later. She probably knew I'd think it was a good idea. But I just don't get the attitude of 'you can do what you like and so does she and neither of you gets a say in it whatsoever' - this is not how I treat the people I care about

OP posts:
CambsAlways · 20/07/2021 20:57

I don’t think she has to run anything by you, they have made their decisions to move, why should she ask how would you feel if we moved away, would you expect her to stay if you told her you weren’t happy about it, I’d be happy that my mum was doing something that she wanted to do( both my parents have died) but I would never try and stand in their way, and throw a strop you are an adult aren’t you, you are being unreasonable,

GnomeDePlume · 20/07/2021 21:02

When we moved abroad we didnt tell anyone until it was a done deal (job offer made).

DPiL were very positive when we told them. DM was devastated.

We carried on with the plan despite DM's upset. What would have been the point in starting DM's upset before we were certain we were going?

Athinginitself · 20/07/2021 21:03

I dont think you are unreasonable. I'm 40 and definitely not in my mums pocket..she lives 2 hours away, but I'd be very hurt if she decided to move abroad without chatting to me about it first.