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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have said no to looking after my exs child

122 replies

subtenure · 20/07/2021 19:35

Me and my ex have 2 DS’ together, they're 8 and 10. My ex had an affair and that child is now 5 he's still in a relationship with the OW and they now have a 1yo. He was meant to have our sons today but he messaged me and said he had to take the baby to the hospital and asked if I could have the 5yo. I said no and he replied ‘looks like I'll have to take him with us’ as apparently the OW is working away and the baby got injured.

Was I bu by saying no?

OP posts:
pineapplecat21 · 20/07/2021 19:36

depends on your relationship really, if you was good friends I'd say maybe YABU but it doesn't sound like you are since he's a cheating arsehole so YANBU.

Wjevtvha · 20/07/2021 19:37

Not unreasonable; he should have other people to ask as you’re not just free childcare for him. I can’t imagine asking my DHs ex to look after one of our DC and I wouldn’t be keen on looking after her DC other than DSD

Aquamarine1029 · 20/07/2021 19:37

Not unreasonable as far as I'm concerned. That's his child, not yours, he is responsible for him.

HerMammy · 20/07/2021 19:38

What a bloody chancer, absolute no.

Rainbowqueeen · 20/07/2021 19:38

No. He needs to build a better support network.

3scape · 20/07/2021 19:38

Not unreasonable but I probably would have helped out IF I could be at home or the park. If you had work to do or even a food shop I can see it's be a no too. I hope the baby is ok

Wrenna · 20/07/2021 19:38

Totally his problem! Yanbu!

Knackeredmommy · 20/07/2021 19:39

Not at all.

Cherrysoup · 20/07/2021 19:39

I think he’s stunningly cheeky and would have had a strong response from me! He keeps having dc, he needs to step up and realise he is responsible for them!

FortniteBoysMum · 20/07/2021 19:39

Given the situation I think I would have said yes. It's an emergency and not either childs fault. They are still your sons siblings. A hospital is not the best place for children in normal circumstances. If it was one of your children and he had said no I'm sure you would be livid. I get your children are his children too but in an emergency surely helping out isn't unreasonable unless it's a regular occurance. If it was a one off as no family about I would of said OK but you can pick them all up when your done.

Quickchangeartiste · 20/07/2021 19:40

Not at all. That’s extremely CF of him to ask that.
Don’t give it headspace.

gogohm · 20/07/2021 19:41

No you weren't unreasonable but if he was really stuck in an emergency I would have said yes, we all sometimes need a helping hand. Sometimes there's a bigger picture

mbosnz · 20/07/2021 19:43

I'm not sure that I'd be so big a person as to give a helping hand to my ex who did the dirty on me, and the OW. That's being very, very honest.

Sally872 · 20/07/2021 19:43

If he had your children and was asking you to collect early due to emergency I might (if we were very amicable) take the 5 year old for a short period while mum or gran or whoever were contacted.

As he was just letting you know he had to cancel contact time I don't think that is the time to ask favours. And I think he should have closer people than you to ask for a favour.

PumpkinKlNG · 20/07/2021 19:46

I would have said no as well.

Closetbeanmuncher · 20/07/2021 19:46

he replied ‘looks like I'll have to take him with us’

"last time I checked your child isn't my responsibility" is your only response to that. The fucking brass neck on him!

Cunt.

PumpkinKlNG · 20/07/2021 19:46

Why can’t be take both anyway? I’m a lone parent and if I have to take one to hospital we all have to go.

Closetbeanmuncher · 20/07/2021 19:47

He made his bed OP, let him lie in it!

Closetbeanmuncher · 20/07/2021 19:48

Why can’t be take both anyway? I’m a lone parent and if I have to take one to hospital we all have to go

Exactly.

Fullofglee · 20/07/2021 19:52

Not appropriate at all. However I remember my dad having a massive stroke and not sure he make the night exs dw offered to have my youngest two if I needed which was lovely this situation however is totally different.

Notwavingbutdrowing3 · 20/07/2021 19:52

Yanbu

Can you look after my child that you don't know and isn't your responsibility but we have some older joint DCs?

The answer is no if you aren't in a position to , don't know child and feel uncomfortable with this request

It is a bit CF- you aren't his go to unpaid childcare for any of his separate offspring

It'd be very awkward- his child has their own mum and family

However if you knew child and happened to be free then that's not outrageous to ask of anybody his friends. If you didn't , then yes he did a CF ask

Theunamedcat · 20/07/2021 19:57

What if you had been working or busy? he is basically telling you to find alternative arrangements for your shared children and his also i think no is the best answer here he sounds like he still hasn't got over the "the we" mentality my ex is the same gets arrested for assaulting his fiance tells me dont worry we will get through this together I said like fuck there is no "we" just me and a very seperate you he didn't appreciate that apparently I should have offered to support him Hmm

BrilliantBetty · 20/07/2021 20:04

Given that this was a hospital situation I might have said yes. I wouldn't want a young child having to be in a hospital, so if I could I might have helped on that one and only occasion.

But YANBU and in any other circumstances i'd have said no, too.

toocold54 · 20/07/2021 20:10

It depends on what your relationship is like with him.
I don’t actually get on with my DDs dad but I probably would have still said yes if he asked me.

Original poster
subtenure · 20/07/2021 20:21

I've only met him a couple of times but he's always been in the car when my ex has dropped off the DCs

Me and my ex only message about the DCs so we aren't friends.

OP posts:
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