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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have said no to looking after my exs child

122 replies

subtenure · 20/07/2021 19:35

Me and my ex have 2 DS’ together, they're 8 and 10. My ex had an affair and that child is now 5 he's still in a relationship with the OW and they now have a 1yo. He was meant to have our sons today but he messaged me and said he had to take the baby to the hospital and asked if I could have the 5yo. I said no and he replied ‘looks like I'll have to take him with us’ as apparently the OW is working away and the baby got injured.

Was I bu by saying no?

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 20/07/2021 22:59

I think the very last person that I would ask to look after my child would be the person I cheated on when creating that child.

BadLad · 20/07/2021 23:02

@HollowTalk

I think the very last person that I would ask to look after my child would be the person I cheated on when creating that child.
I'm reminded of the episode of One Foot In The Grave, where the burglar who stole Victor's VCR rings him up and asks him how to set the video timer.
PicaK · 20/07/2021 23:09

Your child's sibling is injured, needs hospital visit and you choose not to look after your child's other sibling.
I'd have helped. I'd have grumbled but I'd have helped.
I may even have taken a small amount of pleasure knowing ow would probably go ape shit on her return... You left him where??!???
He deserves grief for the passive aggressive comment though. You're well shot of him.

jj5175 · 20/07/2021 23:10

What a bastard! I hope he struggled.

TheAntelope · 20/07/2021 23:18

YANBU based on your specific circumstances.

If you were exes who were amicable or even just civil and he hadn't cheated, I'd have helped given that the child is your son's sibling.

funinthesun19 · 20/07/2021 23:18

No YANBU to decide not to help him, but like a lot of these scenarios it works both ways and neither of you automatically owe each other anything.

Fwiw I would have helped this time. But I wouldn’t want to make a habit of it.

toocold54 · 21/07/2021 06:45

He made his bed! His product of infidelity isn't your problem

The product of his infidelity is a real life child and OPs DCs sibling. It’s not their fault that his dad cheated.

Brown76 · 21/07/2021 07:03

YANBU to say no.

Cheeky to ask and cheeky to make that comment after he left OP with a 3 and 5 year old and now thinks that she should do emergency childcare for his new family.

Briarshollow · 21/07/2021 07:07

@toocold54

He made his bed! His product of infidelity isn't your problem

The product of his infidelity is a real life child and OPs DCs sibling. It’s not their fault that his dad cheated.

Who cares?! It still doesn’t make it OP’s responsibility to help her cheating ex out of a bind. Jesus Christ. So many doormats on this thread.
TwoLeftSocksWithHoles · 21/07/2021 07:15

No, not unreasonable at all.

I suspect had you agreed it could be 'normal' and 'well, you did it last time...'

careerchangeperhaps · 21/07/2021 07:15

Under the circumstances (sounds like an emergency situation) I'd probably have said yes if I didn't have plans that would be compromised by an extra child in tow. It's not nice for a child to be dragged along to a hospital in the current heat / Covid situation and whatever your (justifiable) feelings towards your ex, the child is innocent. He's also your children's (half) sibling so - as I would for their school friends - I'd have had the child for a couple of hours to help out.
In any other circumstance, it would be a definite no.

Dontforgetyourbrolly · 21/07/2021 07:20

I must be a complete pushover even though I can't stand my ex I'd help in an emergency, with the child being sibling to mine etc
However I'd regret it because he would probably lie about it and play golf as he is that vile and he'd take advantage in the future!

SmokeyDevil · 21/07/2021 07:27

@PumpkinKlNG

I wonder if op had a new baby if her ex would babysit... of course he wouldn’t, why are women always expected to do everything
Because people on here are pushovers. They claim its being helpful, but while it is, its just showing they have no backbone. Agreeing to this means you'll agree to other situations, like taking both kids so ex can take the ow away on holiday.

What the hell do you all think single mothers with more than 1 child and a useless ex do? Oh that's right, they take all kids with them. Hmm

Fuck him. He made his bed, he can 'struggle' on his own. It's not a struggle anyway, women cope, he's not incapable just because he has a penis.

WeRTheOnesWeHaveBeenWaitingFor · 21/07/2021 07:29

It would depend on the reason for the hospital visit. If the younger child had broken their arm he could sod off. If the younger child has stopped breathing or was seriously injured I’d do what I could to help.

Nocaloriesinchocolate · 21/07/2021 07:34

Also,don’t forget that OP might have made plans that didn’t include their shared children, as their father should have had them.

SmokeyDevil · 21/07/2021 07:38

@WeRTheOnesWeHaveBeenWaitingFor

It would depend on the reason for the hospital visit. If the younger child had broken their arm he could sod off. If the younger child has stopped breathing or was seriously injured I’d do what I could to help.
I would hope if his child had stopped breathing that his immediate thought wasn't 'oh ill call my ex and see if I can leave one child with her'. Sounds more like it was a broken limb or burn type of accident, not an emergency that really would have required an ambulance and no time to call around asking for childcare.
CeeceeBloomingdale · 21/07/2021 07:41

I don't think it's unreasonable to ask in that situation. You are entitled to say no but I probably would have done it given the circumstances and the child being a sibling of your own children.

BusyLizzie61 · 21/07/2021 07:44

@subtenure

Me and my ex have 2 DS’ together, they're 8 and 10. My ex had an affair and that child is now 5 he's still in a relationship with the OW and they now have a 1yo. He was meant to have our sons today but he messaged me and said he had to take the baby to the hospital and asked if I could have the 5yo. I said no and he replied ‘looks like I'll have to take him with us’ as apparently the OW is working away and the baby got injured.

Was I bu by saying no?

If I'd asked for you to have them for him to go on a jolly, you'd absolutely not be unreasonable. In these circumstances, I do think yabu. Unless you really couldn't have facilitated for the hospital visit with a young child?

Obviously, now you've said no, you really cannot expect any courtesy from him in the future. And worse, imo, you've possibly put the children in an unsafe position as they may now have had to go to the hospital and be at greater risk of covid. That most definitely was unnecessary and unreasonable on your part. Even if it would have been an inconvenience.

scrivette · 21/07/2021 07:51

Under the circumstances I don't think that it was unreasonable for him to have asked and you were not unreasonable to say no.

However I think that I would have done it. It's a slightly different situation but I used to happily look after my DSS siblings on occasion.

DreamingofTimbuktu · 21/07/2021 07:58

It would have probably have been comforting for the 5 year old to be with his siblings particularly if he was worried about the baby. You didn’t have to and it’s definitely not your problem though.

Beamur · 21/07/2021 08:02

@careerchangeperhaps

Under the circumstances (sounds like an emergency situation) I'd probably have said yes if I didn't have plans that would be compromised by an extra child in tow. It's not nice for a child to be dragged along to a hospital in the current heat / Covid situation and whatever your (justifiable) feelings towards your ex, the child is innocent. He's also your children's (half) sibling so - as I would for their school friends - I'd have had the child for a couple of hours to help out. In any other circumstance, it would be a definite no.
This.
LooksLike · 21/07/2021 08:07

@WeRTheOnesWeHaveBeenWaitingFor

It would depend on the reason for the hospital visit. If the younger child had broken their arm he could sod off. If the younger child has stopped breathing or was seriously injured I’d do what I could to help.
agree with this.
WaterOffADucksCrack · 21/07/2021 08:12

we all sometimes need a helping hand. Sounds like the OW gave him plenty of helping hands whilst he was in a relationship with the OP. She can help him again by trying to source appropriate childcare or returning from her trip.

The OP could have had plans or been working which she's now had to cancel. When I was a single parent all children had to come to hospital trips. No one questioned my ability to manage or seemed to think my ex (their bio dad) should help. Strange that when the sexes are reversed the man isn't expected to cope and even more work is put onto the woman who is nothing to do with his other children!

WaterOffADucksCrack · 21/07/2021 08:14

Obviously, now you've said no, you really cannot expect any courtesy from him in the future. And worse, imo, you've possibly put the children in an unsafe position as they may now have had to go to the hospital and be at greater risk of covid. That most definitely was unnecessary and unreasonable on your part. Even if it would have been an inconvenience but her children are his children! So it's completely different. She's taken the children they have together so he should do the same in the future.

tallduckandhandsome · 21/07/2021 08:15

Ugh he’s a scrote, fuck him and his life,

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