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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have said no to looking after my exs child

122 replies

subtenure · 20/07/2021 19:35

Me and my ex have 2 DS’ together, they're 8 and 10. My ex had an affair and that child is now 5 he's still in a relationship with the OW and they now have a 1yo. He was meant to have our sons today but he messaged me and said he had to take the baby to the hospital and asked if I could have the 5yo. I said no and he replied ‘looks like I'll have to take him with us’ as apparently the OW is working away and the baby got injured.

Was I bu by saying no?

OP posts:

iloveredpandas · 20/07/2021 20:21

Not unreasonable of you to say no but also not unreasonable of him to ask!

The child is after all your kids sibling. I know similar relationship set ups where they help each other out with childcare, however they all get on - you are clearly not at that point.

PumpkinKlNG · 20/07/2021 20:23

I wonder if op had a new baby if her ex would babysit... of course he wouldn’t, why are women always expected to do everything

Saidtoomuch · 20/07/2021 20:30

Because you aren't "friends" as such, he was a CF to ask. If you had a normally good relationship with your ex and actually knew the child I might have helped out as a one off for the children really, and because he could return the favour in the future, but you certainly weren't unreasonable to refuse. You reap what you sow, if he can't make the effort to have a decent relationship with the mother of his first children, then he can't expect help with his other children.

AlternativePerspective · 20/07/2021 20:31

In the circumstances I probably would.

At the end of the day, the child is innocent in all this, and hospitals are fairly unpleasant places and even more so now with the requirement for social distancing etc.

I can see why you would want to say no because it’s your ex, but from my POV I would think of the child.

I’m fairly sure my ex wouldn’t ask, but I absolutely would look after his child in an emergency.

Birkie248 · 20/07/2021 20:33

I think (unless I truly hated my ex) I’d try to be the bigger person and do it as a one off because it’s an emergency. It is your children’s sibling after all (or half sibling if anyone wants to split hairs).

Thislittlefinger123 · 20/07/2021 20:33

Ha ha, er, no.

Robostripes · 20/07/2021 20:48

I would have said yes in this situation as it’s an emergency and it’s not the 5 year old’s fault.

TreeSmuggler · 20/07/2021 20:57

No way! He can ask someone else, or take the older dc along. It doesn't even sound like that much of an emergency is he has time to be snarky on the phone to OP before setting off.

Sindragosan · 20/07/2021 21:04

If it wasn't for the passive aggressive "I'll have to take him him with me" I'd have said he wasn't unreasonable. I've had to take children to hospital, its not ideal, but it has to be done sometimes.

Hospital staff (pre-covid) were understanding and super helpful. Its probably more of a problem these days but I'm sure they understand you can't always find child care.

LowlandLucky · 20/07/2021 21:11

I would have looked after my children's brother in such a situation.

Greenmarmalade · 20/07/2021 21:14

I’d only do it to help the child, not him.

But YANBU to have said no!

Planty13 · 20/07/2021 21:15

Depends - emergency then 1000% yes, I would do it in a heartbeat. It’s your child’s sibling and I’d do it for almost anyone in that scenario, family or not.

Routine appointment that he hasn’t organised well enough, no.

Skral · 20/07/2021 21:18

My friend did similar for her ex and said that she felt like a total mug/doormat as she sat there babysitting his and other woman’s child. It was a rock bottom moment for her. I think you did very well to avoid it.

blobblob · 20/07/2021 21:21

I would have looked after a five year old so that he could take an injured baby to hospital. So the five year old has a difficult, stressful time instead of being taken care of with her step-brothers.

And so you can "stick by your guns" and punish him a little girl gets dragged to A and E. And it's Ex's fault for having no support. Well done you.

Notwavingbutdrowing3 · 20/07/2021 21:25

@blobblob

And so you can "stick by your guns" and punish him a little girl gets dragged to A and E. And it's Ex's fault for having no support. Well done you.

Oh please RTFT or at least the ironical post

The baby that is his is grown now and 5 years old and OP hasn't even met him! The child doesn't know her.

Her and ex have older DC together and have been kept very separate by Ex.
The 5 year old isn't ill- and he will have other family members schools friends parents , including his own mum and GParents who could look after him. It isn't OPs job to be default parent to Dc that aren't even hers nor she doesn't know!!

Ohpulltheotherone · 20/07/2021 21:25

I don’t think you’re unreasonable based on the fact he’s a cheating twat.

That said, I personally would have done it in an emergency, taking a child to hospital is a stressful experience and it’s not the place to be hanging around now either.

So I don’t think YOU are unreasonable per se but I know I would have done it if it was a true one off for a baby to go to hospital. And I would have revelled in being a more gracious, better person than him once again

Notwavingbutdrowing3 · 20/07/2021 21:25

*original post , not ironical

CtrlU · 20/07/2021 21:26

He what!?!

His got front to even have the AUDACITY to ask!😳

Notwavingbutdrowing3 · 20/07/2021 21:28

In the Original post

Ex has two new children a national snd - 5 year old

Nothing to do with OP at all
Op and ex have older shared DC who aren't with ex

Ex has asked her to look after a 5 year old she has never met snd is unrelated to her has his own family and friends bc his new partner (ow) is away

It's beyond cf to ask or expect someone who has never met your child to look after them. That's ex's family and his responsibility with his partner

It op knew the child , that might be different but she doesn't

Notwavingbutdrowing3 · 20/07/2021 21:29

National = 1 year old baby

MyriadeOfThings · 20/07/2021 21:31

I was ready to say that I would have done it for the sake of the 5yo IF I knew for sure that he had no support network around him.

And I then remembered that if something like this had happened, I would just have got on with it. And wouldn’t have asked someone who I a stranger to my dc to look after them!

He is a dad. He should be able to handle a trip out with two of them really.

Lollypop701 · 20/07/2021 21:32

@blobblob I actually drew a sharp breath in at this response. Yes the children are blameless, but we are not all Mother Earth and can in a split moment make such righteous decisions, considering the ex is not a friend, she doesn’t know the child and doesn’t want to get involved. ex could br trying to cover up he’s taking baby to hospital, as normally people ask friends/family in these situations. On a similar situation I’d have taken both to hospital… because, you know, my kids means it’s my problem

KarmaStar · 20/07/2021 21:39

Probably would have said yes.it's not the child's fault his father is an arse and waiting around in a hospital as a young child isn't great especially when your dad is worried about another child.
Sorry but ywbu and could have been the bigger person here

User135792468 · 20/07/2021 21:41

You are not unreasonable to have said no, but I totally understand why he asked you. For the posters calling him a cf, cunt and other choice words, I hope you’re never in a position where you’re stuck as you have to take another child to hospital.

PumpkinKlNG · 20/07/2021 21:49

I have had to take my child to hospital, and I’ve taken all of them, plenty of people have to, single parents etc

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