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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have said no to looking after my exs child

122 replies

subtenure · 20/07/2021 19:35

Me and my ex have 2 DS’ together, they're 8 and 10. My ex had an affair and that child is now 5 he's still in a relationship with the OW and they now have a 1yo. He was meant to have our sons today but he messaged me and said he had to take the baby to the hospital and asked if I could have the 5yo. I said no and he replied ‘looks like I'll have to take him with us’ as apparently the OW is working away and the baby got injured.

Was I bu by saying no?

OP posts:

JurassicShay · 21/07/2021 08:17

The only way I would have said yes would be if I knew that it would piss off the OW but then I can be vindictive.

SlothinSpirit · 21/07/2021 08:31

You mean piss off the OW while she's away from her children and worried about her baby in hospital?

Honestly, there's a time and a place to get one over and it's not when there's an unwell baby in hospital.

GreyEyedWitch · 21/07/2021 08:40

There's no way I'd do it in your circumstances.

HappyDays40 · 21/07/2021 08:50

Should have thought about that before he cheated shouldn't he. What a silly man.

Chachachawoo · 21/07/2021 08:55

Yanbu
I imagine you feel bad bc you're a decent person and don't hold anything against the child who will have to go to the hospital.
But I would be weary of babysitting exs ds. Since ex is clearly a giant cf I would assume you would get a list of complaints and allegations afterwards about all you did wrong whilst he was at you.
So I think on balance you made the right call

CastawayQueen · 21/07/2021 08:55

@SlothinSpirit

You mean piss off the OW while she's away from her children and worried about her baby in hospital?

Honestly, there's a time and a place to get one over and it's not when there's an unwell baby in hospital.

Given that the ex had lots of decision making time as pp have pointed out it’s unlikely that the baby is ‘unwell’. It’s probably touched a hot drink or sth by accident, not stopped breathing completely

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 21/07/2021 08:58

@scrivette

Under the circumstances I don't think that it was unreasonable for him to have asked and you were not unreasonable to say no.

However I think that I would have done it. It's a slightly different situation but I used to happily look after my DSS siblings on occasion.

^this

It’s an emergency for an injury-not planned and his mother is away somewhere that presumably would take hours rather than minutes to get back.

Tbh I would have done it in this case scenario as a one off-the child might be unknown to you, but he’s not unknown to your kids-he’s their brother who they presumably play with when they are with your ex.

But YRNBU if you don’t want to 🤷‍♀️

Qwerty789 · 21/07/2021 08:58

So the five year old has a difficult, stressful time instead of being taken care of with her step-brothers

Half brothers, not step brothers, totally different thing.

Lachimolala · 21/07/2021 09:01

I thought you could only have one parent per child at the mo? Or has that changed and I’ve missed something? That being said I have three kids and I am a single parent, if one has to go we all have to go. I’m sure he could manage it.

Lachimolala · 21/07/2021 09:04

Oh nevermind, I’ve re-read it properly but no I wouldn’t have said yes in your situation.

Nogoodusername · 21/07/2021 09:09

He wanted you to look after the child that was the result of his affair with OW?! Not a chance

ittakes2 · 21/07/2021 09:14

I get why you are upset about what happened and you are in your rights to say no but I would have said yes as its not the kids fault what happened and the child would be waiting in A&E. Might help you to process things if you spend time with the kid and realise he's just an innocent child.
When I was young and my boyfriend cheated on me - it made me feel better that he stayed with her and 30 years later is still with her.

BunnytheFriendlyDragon · 21/07/2021 09:14

@BrilliantBetty

Given that this was a hospital situation I might have said yes. I wouldn't want a young child having to be in a hospital, so if I could I might have helped on that one and only occasion.

But YANBU and in any other circumstances i'd have said no, too.

I agree with this

But you weren't U to say no anyway OP

rishisboater · 21/07/2021 09:15

Absolutely astounding cf behaviour but I'd have had the kid so it didn't have to go to A&E. to help the kid, not the ex

rishisboater · 21/07/2021 09:17

But I used to look after my Dh's ex's child from her new relationship so I'm probably just a mug

RoseAndRose · 21/07/2021 09:21

OP as already done plenty - she's looking after two of the DC that were meant to be there today.

It is his contact Day and he needed to find emergency childcare for 3 of his DC, and she has provided it for 2 of them.

She's done a good thing

IsItAKindofDream · 21/07/2021 09:34

YANBU. Are not his default support human. His wife, family or friends should step up.

I’d have said something like:

“I completely understand how hard it can be to look after two small children on your own when these things happen. I’ve had similar difficulties since I became a single parent. I’m sure your son would be more comfortable being looked after by family or friends.”

IsItAKindofDream · 21/07/2021 09:41

@RoseAndRose

OP as already done plenty - she's looking after two of the DC that were meant to be there today.

It is his contact Day and he needed to find emergency childcare for 3 of his DC, and she has provided it for 2 of them.

She's done a good thing

This!

acatcalledjohn · 21/07/2021 13:17

@BusyLizzie61

Obviously, now you've said no, you really cannot expect any courtesy from him in the future. And worse, imo, you've possibly put the children in an unsafe position as they may now have had to go to the hospital and be at greater risk of covid. That most definitely was unnecessary and unreasonable on your part. Even if it would have been an inconvenience.

What does his courtesy with regards to his own flesh and blood have to do with this child, whom the OP neither knows nor is related to?

How is it the OP's fault that those kids were put at greater risk of COVID? In the real world it's the parents' responsibility to ensure a decent support network, rather than rely on the services of the wronged woman.

It's so easy to blame women. Depressing.

CanofCant · 21/07/2021 13:22

@Closetbeanmuncher

he replied ‘looks like I'll have to take him with us’

"last time I checked your child isn't my responsibility" is your only response to that. The fucking brass neck on him!

Cunt.

Only on the first page but exactly this! He can fucking suck it up like the rest of us.

user1471538283 · 21/07/2021 17:56

Of course not. I know it is not the childs fault but it is the result of the affair that broke your relationship and the child is not yours. You have enough to do.

He is the parent. So he can parent.

Dontbeme · 21/07/2021 18:24

You did the right thing saying no OP. He is still stuck in the mindset that you'll sort his problems out for him as a partner would, even though he has moved on with a new partner. Did he apologise at all for not collecting your two for their contact time or just assume you would sort that out too by putting your plans on hold?

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