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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for not telling husband to pick up both kids?

403 replies

ViceLikeBlip · 20/07/2021 16:33

TL:DR husband offered to do school run this arvo. He forgot one of our kids. He is now (very angrily) claiming that this is all my fault for not telling him exactly how many kids to pick up. AIBU for thinking he should be able to remember how many fucking kids he has for himself?!

Details: I'm stuck home with 8yo isolating, so I needed someone to pick up the 10yo and the 5yo from school. I'd found someone for the 5yo, but I was struggling with the 10yo (all the Yr 5 parents I'm friendly with also have yr3 kids isolating). I didn't really want to ask the first mum to pick up both my kids, because yr5 finish 20 mins later than reception, and I felt bad asking her to hang around for an extra 20 mins in the baking sun.

So I asked my husband for our neighbour's number as they have a granddaughter in yr5.

The message I sent my husband went "do you have X's number? I'm looking for someone to pick up 10yo from school". He very unexpectedly replied "don't worry, I can leave work early". I replied "will you go straight to school?" just to check that he meant he was going to do the school run, and he said "yes, straight to school", so I texted my friend and said thanks very much but actually I didn't need her to get the 5yo after all. Husband then picked up 10yo, but completely forgot about 5yo.

Now, in my first msg I hadn't mentioned 5yo at all, because I wasn't actually asking my husband to do the school run. Should I have at this point messaged back "and don't forget the 5yo also exists"?!! Fwiw husband does the school run once a week every week, just not normally Tuesday, but the arrangements on the day he does normally do it are identical to Tuesdays (ie no one has any after school clubs or anything. 5yo never has any after school clubs)

Even those of you who would have forseen this exact situation happening, and who would have reminded him of the other child, do you actually believe its my FAULT for not reminding him?

OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 20/07/2021 18:16

At THIS point husband says "don't worry, I can do it". And I thought the same as you- surely he wouldn't still expect someone else to pick up his 5yo when he's going to be at school anyway? So I assumed he'd get the 5yo as well, and I cancelled my friend. He assumed the 5yo was still sorted forgot 5yo even existed and only picked up 10yo.

But you've just said yourself - you assumed. That was an entirely presumptuous assumption, because moments ago you had given him the impression it was sorted. He didn't forget the 5 year old existed, he just assumed you would tell him if you had changed your plans. That is a perfectly reasonable thing to assume. Your assumption, wasn't.

AnxiousWeirdo · 20/07/2021 18:18

Well this thread has been a wild ride 😂

Wineandroses3 · 20/07/2021 18:19

@aSofaNearYou

At THIS point husband says "don't worry, I can do it". And I thought the same as you- surely he wouldn't still expect someone else to pick up his 5yo when he's going to be at school anyway? So I assumed he'd get the 5yo as well, and I cancelled my friend. He assumed the 5yo was still sorted forgot 5yo even existed and only picked up 10yo.

But you've just said yourself - you assumed. That was an entirely presumptuous assumption, because moments ago you had given him the impression it was sorted. He didn't forget the 5 year old existed, he just assumed you would tell him if you had changed your plans. That is a perfectly reasonable thing to assume. Your assumption, wasn't.

I don’t think his assumption was a reasonable assumption to make at all!
Theunamedcat · 20/07/2021 18:20

20 minutes later not an hour just 20 minutes Confused

GreyhoundG1rl · 20/07/2021 18:20

I don’t think his assumption was a reasonable assumption to make at all!
Why not?

JellyBabiesSaveLives · 20/07/2021 18:20

Wow. In these circumstances my dh would have asked about the 5yo. And if I had been the one at work, I’d have asked about him too.

All you posters who think the op’s dh was in the right here - if it had been you at work, would you have just collected your 10yo and not taken the 2 seconds needed to ask about the 5yo?

lunar1 · 20/07/2021 18:21

Oh no, I didn't want to agree with your husband!

Sadiecow · 20/07/2021 18:22

@JellyBabiesSaveLives

Wow. In these circumstances my dh would have asked about the 5yo. And if I had been the one at work, I’d have asked about him too.

All you posters who think the op’s dh was in the right here - if it had been you at work, would you have just collected your 10yo and not taken the 2 seconds needed to ask about the 5yo?

Why wouldn't the mother taken the two seconds to say "fine I'll cancel x from collecting five year old".

Same 2 minutes and the DH was at work, so likely had things he was doing, calls etc

Spidey66 · 20/07/2021 18:23

I came on to say he was being unreasonable. Now I think you are. He thought the younger one was sorted.

GreyhoundG1rl · 20/07/2021 18:24

@Theunamedcat

20 minutes later not an hour just 20 minutes Confused
But he said "I'll get the 10 year old" who finishes at say, 3.30. Why would op assume he intended to get there for 3.10 to pick up the younger one as well? She said she was having trouble getting the 10 year old collected, indicating that the 5 year old was sorted. If op knew different she needed to say, Well make sure you're there for 3.10 to get Charlie as well.
Aroundtheworldin80moves · 20/07/2021 18:26

My husband would have needed to ask what time to be there. But he's a weekly commuter and only picks them up about once a month. Especially if they have different times.

Its a breakdown in communication. You both made assumptions. For all he knew 5yo could have been going to a friends house.

Wearywithteens · 20/07/2021 18:27

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

uktrippin · 20/07/2021 18:30

"This is never an ideal situation, but it's just too hot today to be sitting in the car (no shade) for 20 mins."

Oh my god. You're such a CF. You were going to ask an elderly neighbour you barely know to do one of your school runs and a friend to do the other when you normally do it yourself but cba today because it is hot?!

And you live far from the school. Fucking CF Blush

Wineandroses3 · 20/07/2021 18:30

@Wearywithteens

“Clinging onto the few people who agree isn't going to help your argument with your husband. Theyre wrong too.”

What bollocks. It’s internalised misogyny. If the roles were reversed, would ANY mother have just gormlessly followed instructions to pick a child up and not at least asked about the other one? No. The ‘you’re at fault’ pitchfork mob are laying the full weight of childcare responsibility and management at her door and yet…the children have two grown intelligent adults who are the parents but guess which one is deemed in the wrong? Guess which one gets arsey? Guess which one is burnt at the stake by other women for ‘not being clear’ to poor muddled menfolk?

Totally agree with this 💯
GreyhoundG1rl · 20/07/2021 18:31

the children have two grown intelligent adults who are the parents but guess which one is deemed in the wrong?
Well at a guess I'd say the one with all the information at her disposal who chose not to pass it all on? 🤔

AnotherDayAnotherCake · 20/07/2021 18:32

OP you rock 🤣
Totally style it out if he brings it up again. I recommend frequent jokes about how many children you have, reminders of how many children parents usually collect on the school run etc. etc.

3totheright4totheleft · 20/07/2021 18:32

Was it all done on text/WhatsApp? I think that's the trouble - in this situation a phone call is much better in order to remove any ambiguity.

GreyhoundG1rl · 20/07/2021 18:33

Do you really?

AnotherDayAnotherCake · 20/07/2021 18:34

@uktrippin

"This is never an ideal situation, but it's just too hot today to be sitting in the car (no shade) for 20 mins."

Oh my god. You're such a CF. You were going to ask an elderly neighbour you barely know to do one of your school runs and a friend to do the other when you normally do it yourself but cba today because it is hot?!

And you live far from the school. Fucking CF Blush

@uktrippin OP isn’t supposed to be bringing her 8yo out at all (they should be isolating) but she didn’t want to leave the child alone in a hot car today. It wasn’t because she couldn’t be arsed!
Wineandroses3 · 20/07/2021 18:34

@uktrippin

"This is never an ideal situation, but it's just too hot today to be sitting in the car (no shade) for 20 mins."

Oh my god. You're such a CF. You were going to ask an elderly neighbour you barely know to do one of your school runs and a friend to do the other when you normally do it yourself but cba today because it is hot?!

And you live far from the school. Fucking CF Blush

It wasn’t because she couldn’t be arsed it was because she has got to isolate with her other child at home because of Covid. It states this in the OP.
AlbusSeverusMalfoy · 20/07/2021 18:35

See I would of replied to husband that you let friend know they no longer need to collect 5 year old as he's be there

uktrippin · 20/07/2021 18:36

"It wasn’t because she couldn’t be arsed it was because she has got to isolate with her other child at home because of Covid. It states this in the OP."

She clearly said that she usually does this but didn't want to today because it's hot.

LovePoppy · 20/07/2021 18:36

You should have been more clear.

I might have asked if other child was sorted, but also I might have been busy at work and assumed you’d sorted it. Maybe that you were getting child then didn’t want to wait.

Once he offered to do pick up, you should have been very clear about expectations

StrawberryMargarita · 20/07/2021 18:37

YABU for not checking he knew to pick up both when your message just referenced one child. He was also BU for not checking the arrangements for the other children.

Batsy · 20/07/2021 18:37

while i probably would have double checked with a 'what about the 5yo?' just to make sure, i would have assumed you only needed the 10yo picking up as it was 20 minutes later, and the 5yo was sorted.